Owner: Lets get things back into perspective here! URL:http://God-101.blogspot.com Join Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2007 10:35:08 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: NEED A PLACE TO VENT! A satirical look at religion, politics and sensibilities in everyday life!!!! Not recommended for the overly Religious, or anyone lacking the capacity for critical thought!
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It's my party and I'll terrorise who I want to! 2007-07-24 12:18:00 Dozens of veiled women gathered outside the Old Bailey last weekend to protest against the jail sentences given to four Muslim men for encouraging terrorism.Mizanur Rahman, 24, Umran Javed, 27, and Abdul Muhid, 25, were each jailed for six years for inciting murder and racial hatred during a demonstration against cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed. A fourth man, 32-year-old Abdul Saleem, was cleared of soliciting murder but convicted of inciting racial hatred. He was jailed for four years.Rahman had called for British soldiers to come home from Iraq in body bags, and Muhid chanted: “Bomb, bomb the UK.”Outside the court, around 40 demonstrators - most hiding their faces - chanted and held placards. Among them were a gaggle of women in burkas, who held up a sign which read: “British police go to hell.”Police officers stood by as the group were kept behind barriers across the road.Judge Brian Barker, the Common Sergeant of London, told the four men their words had been designed to e
Why Can't I Own a Canadian? 2007-07-24 07:35:00 Dear Allan:Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.Lev. Read more:Canadian
What it Means to be Canadian. 2007-07-23 14:28:00 I'm a sophisticated urbanite, and a prairie farmer.I'm a Newfie fisherman and a hot-shot commodities trader!I was a lumberjack, and a fur trader. I have slept in an igloo, eaten blubber, and although I don’t own a dog sled, I do have a ski-doo.I do know Jimmy and Sally, Suzie is my ex, and they’re all assholes.I have a crooked Prime Minister, not a President. I speak neither English or French properly. I don’t pronounce it “about” or “a boot”; I just say “bout”.I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack, because with the taxes I pay I live out of my backpack when traveling the world.I believe in peace keeping, not policing, even though we got rid of our peacekeepers to buy more police.Diversity, not assimilation (unless I go to Quebec)is our motto, and the beaver tastes like chicken and makes a nice fur coat.I am well liked and respected where ever I go, even though I am sometimes mistaken for an American.A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch (where Read more:Canadian
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What it Means to be Human! 2007-07-23 11:20:00 Ten Rules for Being Human by Cherie Carter-Scott1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period. 2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life." 3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work." 4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. 5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned. 6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here." 7. Other people are merely mirro Read more:Means
Bush gets it up the Ass! 2007-07-23 07:51:00 Unfortunately, it was only a colonoscopy!Your faithful scribe;Allan W JanssenAllan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
The New Ten Commandments! 2007-07-27 07:40:00 Gerry Nicholls is a Toronto based writer who has hit the nail on the head as far as all this "political correctness" bullshit goes.I got real tired of being politically correct years ago and as a result, (as if you hadn't guessed) I often go out of my way to shock and dismay members of the officially sanctioned far left world view and the self proclaimed intelligentsia. You know, University Professors, socialists, most 19 year old's, etc. etc.Gerry came up with the "Ten Left Commandments
" and they bear repeating here!Now I realize that this is a list that is pertinant to Canadian values but I think it could be applied just about anywhere, so with apologies to Charlton Heston, here they are: 1. Thou shalt have compassion for the poor, downtrodden and elderly, except no compassion shalt be spared for the poor, downtrodden and elderly who are sick and suffering on hospital waiting lists, as this would endanger our most sacred of cows: socialized health care. 2. Thou shalt love peace and
Cloning Gone Bad! 2007-07-26 13:55:00 Allan's mad scientist, practical joker, half-brother, has bred a few crazy animals. Find a suitable name for these new species and put them in the comments section. Read more:Cloning
Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian! 2007-07-26 07:55:00 10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours. 9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt. 8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God. 7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees! 6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky. 5 - You are willing t Read more:Fundamentalist
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Another reason I don't like cats. They're spooky! 2007-07-25 18:02:00 Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live. "He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine. "Many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one," said Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant professor of medicine at Brown University. The two-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. The facility treats people with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and other illn
Yea, but how are they on a road trip? 2007-07-25 08:18:00 A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian, eh!Your "always with the stupid shit, eh!" scribe;Allan W Janssen
Three men in a Tub! 2007-07-29 19:35:00 No, it's not the Butcher the Baker and the Candlestick maker. It's an Athiest, an Agnostic kid and a full blown educated Asshole. (Well, to be educated and still hold the views that he does....he can't be normal!)1. Contributor: Penn Jillette Location: Las Vegas, NV Country: United States of America There Is No GodI believe that there is no God. I'm beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy -- you can't prove a negative, so there's no work to do. You can't prove that there isn't an elephant inside the trunk of my car. You sure? How about now? Maybe he was just hiding before. Check again. Did I mention that my personal heartfelt definition of the word ''elephant'' includes mystery, order, goodness, love and a spare tire?So, anyone with a love for truth outside of herself has to start with no belief in God and then look for evidence of God. She needs to search for some objective evidence of a supernatural power. All the people I write e- Read more:Three
Men and Women - 101 2007-07-29 19:26:00 Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com Read more:Women
Middle-Aged Crazy! 2007-07-29 11:37:00 Although I didn't realize it at the time, my fifth decade on this planet was a rather turbulent time for not only myself but those around me.Looking back in retrospect, my forties were a time of great upheaval. I not only changed careers, I changed wives, changed locations, changed outlooks, changed friends, changed my beliefs and changed my mind. On top of this I drank too much and ran myself into the ground. In other words; "My inner peace was MUCH to loud!"If you had asked me about a "mid life crisis" I would have discounted the idea out of hand, but now I am not so sure! After all, a lot of the things I did were completely out of character and certainly not in my best interest. Even though they seemed like a good idea at the time the quality of my decisions were certainly suspect! Most men seem to go through this "mid life crisis" or "second childhood," just as the ladies are susceptible to "menopause" and "change of life," and it seems to be one of , if not the biggest, destroyer Read more:Crazy
More Sunday Morning Funnies! 2007-07-29 11:08:00 Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way, and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the b Read more:Sunday
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Sunday Morning Funnies! Or, just farting in the wind! 2007-07-29 09:04:00 First things first, me hardees! Can ye possibly guess what's going on here????That's right, the Prince did an anal acoustic, arse blaster, fart, backdoor trumpet, break wind, bottom burp, cut the cheese, creeper, deer snort, drooped a rose, fannitosis, fire in the hole, flatulence, fluff (women), gasser, here comes Freddie, hanger (The killer that emerges the morning after two days of drinking and permeates everything, making whatever room you were in unusable for at least half an hour!) kill the canary, morning thunder, one-cheek sneak, poof, poop without the mess, pop tarts, rip one, rattler, rip ass, silent but deadly, S.O.D. (stench of death),smelly jelly (a wet fart), sphincter whistle, tooters, tushie belches, wet one, whallop, and of course toot! We also can't forget the "Dutch Oven!" (Farting in bed and pulling the covers over your partners head to smell it!)By the way, the Queen was not amused!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Read more:Sunday
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Today is visual arts day! 2007-07-28 16:37:00 Due to gross mis-management of World affairs, the leaders of the G-8 countries have been forcibly retired and put into a nature preserve where they can't do us any more harm!G8 Leaders, S. Abe - A. Merkel - S. Harper - V. Putin - N. Sarkozy - T. Blair - G. Bush - R. Prodi"LAND HO!" Here's something you don't see too often. A tornado just starting to form! You say you don't know squat about Japanese toilets? Live and learn... the humble squat toilet, little changed from its pre-20th century origins, can still be found in some Japanese homes. Why? Because it works, and works well! The typical Japanese squat toilet looks somewhat like a urinal that fell off the wall, or a porcelain baby carriage half-buried in the floor. Westerners confronted by a squat toilet for the first time may experience an anxiety attack.. where do I sit?? Umm, you don't, you squat. Remember to face the hooded end, where the flush mechanism is, and you're halfway to success.This is a perfect example of a sma Read more:Today
Still More Confusion! 2007-07-28 10:53:00 Post No Bills!I wish she was too!Bill, Bill, Bill.Thanks for your support!How about: "A tree, outstanding in its field!"Ya fat bastard!Mom's don't lie!
Saturday Morning Confusion! 2007-07-28 08:35:00 This should confuse you some. Especially is you have a Saturday
morning hangover!Jack Sparrow's look-alikeNick Richmond, resembles Sir Sean Connery. Politicians and actors are also well represented by look-alikes. A leading actor is impersonated by the UK's Nick Richmond, who bears a resemblance to Sir Sean Connery. Austin Powers's look-alikeParis Hilton's look-alikeOzzy's look-alikeClifton James, a double for General Montgomery. In 1944, shortly before D-Day, M.E. Clifton James, who bore a close resemblance to Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery, was sent to Gibraltar and North Africa, in order to deceive the Germans about the location of the upcoming invasion. This story was the subject of a book and film, I Was Monty's Double. Liza Minelli's look-alikeAngelina Jolie's look-alikeSteve Sires, resembling Bill Gates of Microsoft. Another well-known look-alike is Steve Sires, who resembles Bill Gates of Microsoft. Sires came to attention when he attempted to trademark "Microsortof, Read more:Morning
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The Whole World is NUTS! Or: "I'll have a beer instead!" 2007-07-27 20:53:00 I thought I had seen it all, but little did I know that; "You ain't seen nothin' yet!"I went into a local donut shop (Tim Horton's) this afternoon and found out that a bottle of apple juice is cheaper than a bottled water! O.K. - The apple juice was a bit smaller than the water, but Jesus Christ, GIVE ME A BREAK! (What the hell is going on?)Now here is the real kicker, boys and girls. The water they use is tap water that is run through a filter an extra time!PepsiCo Inc. will spell out that its Aquafina bottled water is made with tap water, a concession to the growing environmental and political opposition to the bottled water industry. According to Corporate Accountability International, a U.S. watchdog group, the world's No. 2 beverage company will include the words "Public Water Source" on Aquafina labels."Concerns about the bottled-water industry, and increasing corporate control of water, are growing across the country," said Gigi Kellett, director of the "Think Outside the Bo Read more:Whole
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Inquiring minds want to know........ WHY? 2007-08-01 20:33:00 Your humble scribe has taken great pains and effort to conduct a survey on the top 25 reasons that we engage in sex, and after crunching all the numbers and getting slaped quite a few times we came up with this list!!!Top 25 reasons why men and women have sex:1. I was attracted to the person 2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure 3. It feels good 4. I wanted to show my affection to the person 5. I wanted to express my love for the person 6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release 7. I was ‘‘horny’’8. It’s fun 9. I realized I was in love 10. I was ‘‘in the heat of the moment’’ 11. I wanted to please my partner 12. I desired emotional closeness 13. I wanted the pure pleasure 14. I wanted to achieve an orgasm 15. It’s exciting, adventurous 16. I wanted to feel connected to the person 17. The person’s physical appearance turned me on 18. It was a romantic setting 20. The person made me feel sexy 21. The person caressed me 22. It seemed like the Read more:Inquiring
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Kim Jong-ill Arrested! 2007-08-01 11:57:00 Fearless leader Kin Jong-ill of North Korea was caught after sneaking into South Korea yesterday so that he could spend a day at the beach in Seoul along with tens of thousands of other Koreans. Thinking he was safe amongst the large number of bathers on the beach (bottom right with white hat) North Korean agents caught up with him none-the-less and placed him under arrest. Here he is shown with a couple of unidentified U.S. agents being led away for interrogation. Neither the U.S. State Department nor South Korea has commented on Jong-ill's arrest but it's expected that he will claim "Diplomatic Immunity" and be released!Your "Undercover" scribe;Allan W Janssen Read more:Kim Jong
Crazie Lefties! 2007-08-01 10:07:00 Since I am either left handed or at best ambidextrous, this article caught my attention.The gene that likely makes people left-handed may slightly raise the risk of developing psychotic mental illnesses, according to an international study.Led by the Wellcome Trust for Human Genetics at the University of Oxford, the study involves a team of 40 scientists from 20 research centres across the world, and was published online Tuesday in the scientific journal Molecular Psychiatry."This is the first potential genetic influence on human handedness to be identified, and the first putative genetic effect on variability in human brain asymmetry," said an abstract on the study.The scientists said that little is known about the gene LRRTM1, but they suspect that it modifies symmetry in the human brain. Asymmetry is important, since the left side of the brain usually controls speech and language and the right side controls emotion. With left-handers this pattern is often reversed.Personally, I wish Read more:Lefties
My Little Town. 2007-08-01 08:29:00 If your town is anything like my town, the quality of the decisions made by your elected representatives leaves something to be desired. Oh, they get a lot right, but everyonce in a while they bow to some special interest group and royaly screw things up!Here is a letter I had to send to our local paper this morning: Sir:A Tale of Two Cities;Once upon a time in a land far away, (Sarnia) there was a developer who wanted to build a nice high-rise condominium on the waterfront beside Centennial Park.People who lived nowhere near the development got up in arms and claimed that the building would block their view of the river, even though they didn’t usually stand on that particular spot to begin with. One brave soul (Me) went before City Council and suggested that if someone wanted a good view of the river from that section of Downtown, they should just move left or right about a hundred feet and then they could look at the scenery all they liked. The nay-sayers won the day, the condomin
Schizophrenic Mice! 2007-07-31 10:40:00 Scientists have genetically engineered mice that develop the physical and psychological characteristics of schizophrenia, U.S. researchers said on Monday.That's just great, now when you get an infestation of mice the little bastards will run around all night chattering to themselves! Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com Read more:Schizophrenic
Helplessly Hoping. Or, A Tale of Two Villages! 2007-07-31 08:35:00 Helplessly Hoping is a song by Neil Young that begins with the line "There is a town in North Ontario," that for the purposes of our narration should be changed to "There is a desolate village in North Ontario!"The Kashechewan reserve was formed in 1957 when Ottawa forcibly moved Cree hunters and their families to an isolated plain about 450 kilometres north of Timmins and near the coast of James Bay.Kashechewan First Nation is one of two communities that were established from Old Fort Albany in the 1950s. The other community is Fort Albany First Nation which is now located on the southern bank of the Albany River seven miles away.An isolated community, the nearest urban centre is Timmins and it is located approximately 300 miles south. The topography of Kashechewan is generally flat.During the spring the water level rises 1 or 2 meters up the riverbank and often raises over the riverbank and floods the community.Like many other First Nations in the area, there is still a lot of depend Read more:Villages
Oh My God! 2007-07-30 14:45:00 Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
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