Owner: Emails From Jesus URL:http://www.emailsfromjesus.com Join Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:58:28 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: It's me, Jesus. Satan and I are blogging. People email us their questions, we answer them. There's some pictures and stuff too. It's pretty straightforward. Stop by and have a beer with us sometime. Our doors are always open! Site statistics:Click here
Waste of Time 2006-10-21 21:04:18 Dear Jesus..
Why did you not stop a Drunkin nutcase from making a movie about you? Why not strike him down before he had he the chance?
Yours Truly,
Brent
Dearest Brent,
Well dude, I was going to, but then I started watching Oprah and got totally sidetracked. But...you know how that goes. Maybe next time.
I still haven't seen that one, though, so don't tell me the ending!
Yours,
Jesus H. Christ
Vagina Dentata 2006-10-19 20:59:35 Stan,
I noticed you refer to Rosie O'Donnell a few times. I can't stand her either. I don't know how Kelli Carpenter can stand to go down on that thing. Thought i'd share.
All my love- Sarah
Dear Sarah,
When I think of Rosie's ninja foot, I think Tom Petty.
Sing with me. Into the great wide open..........
Eventually yours,
~S
Slippery When Wet 2006-10-17 23:02:01 Hey J-man,
You know all those MySpace bulletins that say, "If you love God, you'll repost this"?
Tell me you had nothing to do with that.
Love and Sprinkles,
Kim from Oklahoma
Dearest Kim,
No, I didn't have anything to do with those. I did, however, secretly grease the pole. Don't tell her though - she's still pissed about that one.
My Love,
JHC
Losing It 2006-10-16 21:38:35 Dear Satan- have you heard of the The Ultimate Sex Diet? What do you think?
Luv, Beck
Dear Beck,
Go for it. I understand you drop a ton of weight with HIV.
Eventually yours,
~S
Working Holiday 2006-10-13 21:07:55 S,
Any big plans for today?
Brent
Tacoma, Washington
Dear Brent,
Big day today! Let's see...
1) Watch Mark Foley shave Tom DeLay's nut sack.
2) Give Paris Hilton the clap. Again.
3) File lawsuit against Jennifer Wilbanks for impersonating a Sleestak.
4) Send a case of Manischewitz to Mel Gibson.
5) Email nude pics of Dominic Monaghan to Queen Elizabeth.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Holiday
Three Strikes, No Balls 2006-10-11 17:02:00 Dear Satan,
I know you're behind the Yankees' performance against Detroit. I hope you burn in.... well... you know.
Hate your guts,
Yankees4Ever
Dear Yankme,
O Rly?
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Three
, Strikes
, Balls
Masking The Truth 2006-10-09 06:08:37 Jesus...
Um...what are you doing here?
Love and Respect,
Dog Groomer from Petsmart
Dearest Groomer,
Trying on my Halloween mask. I'm thinking about calling it "President George W. Bush," but I'm thinking that might not get my point across strongly enough. What do you think?
My Love,
Jesus H. Christ Read more:Masking
, Truth
On the Mark 2006-10-08 07:24:19 So.... what are you going to do with Mark Foley?
-BR
Dear Br,
Well he's already been moved to another parish, so we'll have to wait and see.
Eventually yours,
~S
Sharing Is Caring 2006-10-06 17:03:21 Hi Jesus,
I'm seriously disappointed of you because you're going with the greatest girl on this planet and don't want to let her spend any time with me. She's always talking about you and probably will never marry a man of flesh and blood. I think it's not fair and have a lot of doubts about your behaving!
Sincerely
V.K.
Dearest V.K.,
That's just not true - I totally share. Remember Mary Mag?
And, believe me, you don't want to marry this one anyway. The elastic's shot in her hose, if you know what I'm sayin'. Go forth and find yourself a newer, cleaner pair.
My Love,
Jesus Read more:Sharing
, Caring
Lost in Translation 2006-10-06 03:52:03 Dear Satan,
Is it really true that everytime i masterbate a kitten dies? That's so sad. if so can we work on this...
Love always and forever-
Kristin
Dear Kristin,
I see the religious right and PC crowd have gotten to that one too. The original proverb was, "every time you masturbate, your pussy loses a little more."
Now, if God's watching you every time you hunt the cave with a spear, I think He should at least grab you a towel instead of going on another murderous rampage don't ya think?
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Translation
brutherly luv 2006-10-05 19:45:23 do u have any tips for getting along with my sister we have been having fights recently and my mum just cant cope im getting really anoyed with myself!plz help me out here!
yours sincerley
dino willingson
Dearest Dino,
i cant imagne why ne1 would b annoyed with u or ur sister plz keep doing wht ur doing and i will bless u no matter wat.
all my luv,
jhc
Stone Washed Genes 2006-10-05 03:33:56 curious question~
how come satan looks so hot and yummy and JC looks like a dork?
Malena
Dear Malena,
It's the extra chromosome.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Stone
, Genes
Supersize Me 2006-10-04 08:59:20 Dear Satan (Stan),
I've prayed to God and Jesus for a larger unit, but they just ignore me. Can you help?
I'll do anything.
Tim
Dear Tim,
If you lay off the anal for a couple weeks it should pucker right back up.
Eventually yours,
~S
Heal Up 2006-10-03 16:20:31 Jesus,
I was just wondering if these Jesus Bandages really do have some of your incredible healing power? Also, what exactly is the Jesus toy inside? It doesn't say and i'm just too curious.
Aeryn
Dearest Aeryn,
Yes, the bandaids have exactly the same amount of healing power I do...
The toy inside is a nail - because I want you to remember. And also a Tic Tac - because everyone needs minty-fresh breath.
My Love,
Jesus
Stan'ed Up 2006-10-02 04:19:59 Jesus is at a nightclub and can't dance for shit, so he yells, "Help! I've risen and I can't get down!"
Thank you. I'll be here all week.
Eventually yours,
~S
Skate or Die Trying 2006-10-23 09:44:02 Satan,
I recently broke my leg skateboarding, as you may have heard when I cursed a couple of weeks ago. In keeping with the promise to my wife (as I'm sure you and God are both keeping track), I'm giving up skating after 9 years of it. You know, I told her I'd give it up if I ever injured my self again.
I'm going to follow Plan B, which is to start a skate magazine. I am a saved evangelical Christian, so I've already given Jesus my soul. Given that He's got the soul, I know I can't sell it to you for success with the magazine but will you accept a trade-in for a 95 Ford f-150? It's a 4X4....I'll throw in a cd player.
---Frank!
Dear Frank,
Sounds like you got the raw end of the deal. You gave your soul for.... a broken leg.
I would have put you in the company of Bob Burnquist, Bucky Lasek, Andy MacDonald, and Tony Hawk.
I think you should ask for a refund. Then give JC the 11-year-old truck in return. Just out of spite.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Skate
Dude, Where's My Sandal? 2006-10-24 20:29:46 ha u rule dudeu n me should team up and beat the crap out of jc just 4 fun lol
Vance Fucking Reedy
Dear Vance,
SUCH VIOLENCE AGAINST OUR LORD! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! I'LL PRAY YOUR SOUL IS SPARED FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION ON JUDGMENT DAY! meet me outside of Doc Hoistastein's at 9:30 - he'll be good and sauced by then. REPENT! REPENT!
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Sandal
Share And Share Alike 2006-10-25 17:03:05 Dear JC-
When i get to heaven will my wings match my thong? also, what is the policy on safe sex up there?
Just curious-
Kristin
Dearest Kristin,
All sex is safe in Heaven. And, please tell me you're bringing more than one thong with you, child. That's just gross.
Yours,
JC Read more:Share
, Alike
Knock Knock Jokers 2006-10-29 06:47:07 is it yew that keeps sending jahova's witnesses to my door letting me know that the end of false religion is near?
because if it is i dont appreciate it and im telllin Jesus on you.
Baghdaddy
Dear Baghdaddy,
Read here: http://www.emailsfromjesus.com/2006/09/stans_top_10.html
You know why Italians don't like Jehovah's Witnesses? Because Italians don't like any witnesses. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Knock
, Knock Knock
58 Days Until Christmas 2006-10-28 03:22:38 Hey Satan , what's up ??
Any new sins for this year ??
Santa
Dear Santa,
Not since leaving your fat ass a plate of chocolate Ex-Lax chip cookies, no.
Oh, and by the way.... Joel Potischman's and Bruce Handy's data is skewed. Shitty quality plastic toys from China don't weigh 500,000 tons.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Christmas
, Until
This is Your Brain on Empty 2006-10-26 18:40:29 i've always looked up to you Satan, like last night when my parents caught me drunk, i thought to myself..........hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........what would Satan do. so..... i lied and told them i had hit my head and just felt real dizzy. Thanks Satan!
Sam
Dear Sam,
Don't thank me. If you were planned, they would have taken you to the hospital and found out.
What are you going to do when they catch you going on Peewee's little adventure? Tell them you're practicing for the disc golf tournament?
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Brain
, Empty
My Big Night 2006-10-31 00:37:04 Satan,
What activities do you have planned for Devil's Night
? What are you and JC going to be for Halloween?
Trish
Dear Trish,
Tell the prez his approval rating is 83%. He's so cute when he pouts.
Wedge a head of broccoli in the gap in Condi's teeth so she thinks it was there all day when she looks in the mirror.
Swap Cheney's nitro tablets with candy corn.
Make Rumsfield stand out in the pumpkin patch with Linus and wait for WMD's to show up.
For Halloween, I'm going as Mike Nifong. I don't know what J's going to do. He mentioned going as a vampire until I brought up that whole raising from the dead thing and asking people to drink his blood....
Eventually yours,
~S
Sha Na Na Na Get A Job 2006-11-04 02:27:17 Jesus,
Dude I know you're the son of God and all... But maybe it's time to lay off the weed, get a haircut and find a real job. You can only sponge off your old man for so long... I'm just sayin'...
Regards,
Gainfully Employed
Dearest G.E.,
I don't sponge off my dad...I sponge off those suckers at the church. WWJD? I'd totally pick the free money!
Yours,
JC
p.s. Weed? Where?
E.T. 2006-11-03 02:09:59 Dear Jesus,
Are we alone in this universe? Will we ever meet people from another
planet?
Matt
Tulsa, OklahomaMy Child,
Hast thou not made a pilgrimage to Southern California? Scientologists o'plenty.
All my love,
JC
Across the Pond 2006-11-05 04:53:11 I thought your real name was Lou Cifer! were all those prayers going to some confused jackass, or what?
Tony Blair
Dear PM Blair,
I believe you've confused him with Robert De Niro's character Louis Cyphre from "Angel Heart". So yes, your prayers have been going to President Bush.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Across
Special 2006-11-06 17:19:10 THEREFORE, MY FRIEND WHAT DOES JESUS HAS TO SAY ABOUT FOLKS LIKE ME AND AM I GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL.
Dearest Child,
Don't worry, we take the retards up here, too.
My Undying Love,
Jesus Read more:Special
Fall Cleaning 2006-11-09 07:56:06 Stan,
Who made the deal with you to get Rumsfeld to resign? What are you plans for him now?
Mic
Dear Mic,
Cindy Sheehan obviously. I'm leaning toward Bird Flu. Seeing as he profits from the sale of Tamiflu to the government, I think the irony would be unbeatable.
Eventually yours,
~S
Read more:Cleaning
Butt Buddies 2006-11-14 14:30:25 come by and meet me in the powder room - dont tell jesus - he flies into a rage when he knows i do anal with you
nybe
Dear nybe,
He flies into a rage when I refuse to do anal with him too.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Buddies
Ancient Chinese Secret 2006-11-13 14:48:22 Yo J.
I let my girl wear my Faulk jersey and she jacked it all up. If I can't clean it, can you send me a new one?
P Dearest P,
Try using ble-ach.
All my love,
JC Read more:Ancient
, Chinese
Hermaphrodite Spice 2006-11-12 14:08:22 dear satan
i want to be
a chick on speed
yes???
jazzyhellyea
Dear Jazzy,
Chicks on Speed as in the band?
I haven't listened to any girl bands from across the lake since the Spice
Girls. Since them, I can't think of another group of women who would look so good under a pile of attacking Dobermans. Have you seen a recent picture of Geri Halliwell??? Yikes. She could model for death threats.
'Course if you're talking about becoming a post-op with a crack habit, then yeh, knock yourself out.
Eventually yours,
~S
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