Owner: Emails From Jesus URL:http://www.emailsfromjesus.com Join Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:58:28 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: It's me, Jesus. Satan and I are blogging. People email us their questions, we answer them. There's some pictures and stuff too. It's pretty straightforward. Stop by and have a beer with us sometime. Our doors are always open! Site statistics:Click here
Bald as an old trailer tire 2007-02-18 20:45:33 Stan - how did you talk Britney into shaving her head?
I told her a lot of women shave because it's sexy. She obviously misunderstood me.
Eventually yours,
~S
Father by proxy 2007-02-22 06:09:42 Darkest of Evilness:
The circus we call "the political process" is starting again. Feel like telling us who has your vote?
Paul
Dear Paul,
How can you even think about who's going to be running our country when we're all busy trying to find out who Dannielynn's daddy is?
Eventually yours,
~S
Read more:Father
The kingdom, the glory, the power 2007-02-24 08:44:00 My Sandaled One,
So, Ed Begley over in Studio City has his own show where he tries to clue people in to living more efficiently. I know you don't drive, but do you compost? Do any of your Beverly Hills neighbors have solar panels on their homes? Where do you get your electricity to power
that ridiculously overpriced iMac?
Yours in composting,
The Scoot.Dearest child,
As entertaining as it sounds, all that poppycock is much too middle class. In fact, recycling is illegal here because those gaudy plastic tubs lower property value. I do not compost, although my sandals could use a good scrubbing now that you mention it. I get my electricity just like everyone else - by rubbing a balloon across Gene Shalit's head.
All my love,
JHC Read more:glory
By the bookie 2007-02-22 22:46:00 J.C.,
How do you decide which teams will win the "big game" ?
pjbDear child,
Whichever teams' fans offer the lamest prayers and promises, loses.
All my love,
JHC
More Moore 2007-02-25 21:35:39 Stan,
Any thoughts on the Oscars?
Linda
Torrington, Wyoming
Dear Linda,
You mean now that it's chic to trash President Bush? I see a lot of speeches being cut short by the orchestra...
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Moore
I brake for phonics 2007-02-24 16:54:04 satan- how it going? i need small favor from you. i really want set of Foose Nitrous6 wheels will you take my soul?
How did you pass the driver exam?
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:brake
, phonics
1001 mortal questions 2007-02-28 14:08:02 Hey Satan!
What's up? Excited for the Oscars tonight? Satan, lemme just tell you that I have always believed in you, but not Jesus. Are you agnostic? Well, since you "know" Jesus, you honestly can't be...but really, are you rooted in religion? I am an agnostic, but I think you're awesome.
I talked to God a little while ago. I told him to exist, and he said he had better things to do. Do you think that's funny? I just thought that was stupid...but whatevah.
Anyway, Satan, do you watch Futurama? Apparently, there's a robot bearing your likeness...and you live in New Jersey XD Bender's awesome. Is he going "down there" with you? I hope not. Bender's too cool.
Hey, is my grandma "down there" with you? If she is, tell her I say, "Yo-la."
Nice chatting with ya, Satan, my good man!
-Allegra Frank, age 13 (Could you tell? XP)
Dear Allegra,
No, I couldn't tell. I don't know any 13-year-olds that know what agnostic means, let alone use it. Twice. It's unnerving - like Stephe Read more:mortal
, questions
Hit the nail on the head 2007-02-27 15:34:39 Hey there, Saviour!
Do you ever swear? It occurred to me that in your training as a carpenter, you might have struck your thumb with a hammer from time to time. Did you let rip with "Oh...my name!" or keep yourself under control?
Yours,
Nichola, a sinner.Dear child,
If you miss a large wood peg with a large wood mallet you shouldn't be in carpentry.
Also, I wasn't the Savior back when I did roofs. So when accidents did occur, people would yell "Maximus Flaccus!"
All my love,
JHC
Inappropriate Card Day 2007-02-27 05:15:38 I was just informed by our new friend Diesel that today is Inappropriate Card Day. So...
Eventually yours,
~S
Happy Anniversary 2007-03-01 22:15:49 Well dudes, it's been a whole entire year since we've been together, the world hasn't come to an end, and Rosie's still a bloated slob.
I wish I could have a beer with each and every one of you. Maybe we'll throw a bash this summer.
Seems like only yesterday....
All my love,
JHC Read more:Happy
, Anniversary
, Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary II 2007-03-01 22:09:44 I'm soooo getting wasted tonight.
Here's an old pic I found. I was such a badass. Something between Charles Bronson and Arsenio Hall.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Happy
, Anniversary
, Happy Anniversary
The fall guy 2007-03-02 18:32:33 Dearest Dad,
Jerry Falwell says global warming is just a nasty trick by you to "redirect the church's primary focus" from evangelism to environmentalism. He also said that "the Bible teaches that God will maintain the Earth until Jesus returns". Could you get JC to drop him a line and tell him to enjoy a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up? Also, is it possible to just turn up his internal thermostat so that he fries himself? Maybe a little spontaneous combustion?
All my love,
Sabre
Dearest Daughter,
And here I thought their primary focus was raking in billions in tax free dollars. Who knew?
No biggie. He also denied everything in the Campari ad.
Hugs and kisses,
Dad
ps: bet you have the Fall Guy theme song in your head right now...
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign 2007-03-04 06:46:03 Hi there Jesus,
Someone says they found you in a box buried under an apartment complex in Jerusalem. I always thought you were American? What's the deal?
Lola. Lo-lo-lo-lo-lola.
My dear child,
This surprises you? They also claim to find my mom on leaky highway overpasses and grilled sammiches.
All my love,
JHC Read more:everywhere
The mystery box 2007-03-05 20:00:07 Hey, JC –
So a bunch of us are wondering if that tomb that is going to be featured in the special by James Cameron is really your family’s tomb, or is that some other longhaired, sandal-wearing dude? After all, it doesn’t say Jesus H. Christ anywhere that I can tell.
Please solve the mystery before we are forced to watch another insufferably smarmy film by Cameron.
Very truly yours (and a landsman, too!),
Mark
Dear child,
Unlike James Cameron, I am the king of the world. The contents of the tomb is the real Celine Dion. I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.
All my love,
JHC
Discount getaway 2007-03-05 05:18:05 Dear Satan,
Since there's little chance of hell freezing over, do you think you could speed up global warming? I don't get to go on a Caribbean vacation this year and would appreciate it if you could bring it to me.
Thanks.
Jeannie
Dear Jeannie,
Global warming is not my doing - it comes from church buses.
I'd be happy to bring you a Caribbean vacation. I'll blow in your face while you down a six-pack of Zima.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Discount
, getaway
Forget the petting zoo 2007-03-06 21:28:42 Jesus your fine one liners and tricks makes you an all round family entertainer.
Do you do childrens parties?
Rob
Dear child,
I used to until word got out I was turning Hi-C into wine. I wasn't much good a palming coins as you can imagine, but nobody could make balloon animals quite like me.
All my love,
JHC
Hip to be square 2007-03-08 22:45:19 Dear Jebus,
First of all, I'd like to say, I'm a BIG fan of your work. And I know you sometimes get a bum rap for being a "square". But I think you are cool. I saw the passion the other day. And I gotta say, you took it pretty well. Personally, I would have blown them all up with jew seeking missiles. But yeah, I have a question. What is your favorite color?
Sincerely, love,
Jeff and Bryan
p.s. what is your favorite band?
Dear child,
Don't forget about those wacky Romans... I'm partial to kelly green, and Corey Hart.
All my love,
JHC
How do I love thee? 2007-03-08 07:20:26 So, looks like it's time for me to start using this site. I can resist no more! I took a gander though your profile and well, I liked what I saw.. :p
So um, my name is Jamie. I think we should probably be friends, because you seem pretty nice, and maybe even cute! (it's so tough to tell in this digital world :)
anyways, i'd go on forever, but I wanna get an answer from you.. You should check out my other "space" on this other site, I'm always on over there. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. appearance catches the eyes, but personality catches the heart.. haha..
take care,
Jamie
Dear Jamie,
Thanks for putting your spam link at the end of this email. I was actually looking forward to getting to know you better, but now realize your Jager-Bomb-induced promiscuity has left your labia looking like a pillow case.
I do agree that personality catches the heart. I'm picturing yours on a stick as we speak.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:love thee
Bottom's up 2007-03-08 00:17:46 hey there..dont mean to distract ya from all the day to day but Jesus....aside from all the common comical b.s. responses..how does one stop from tapping the bottle on a daily basis?
Dear child,
Bottle of what? Astroglide?
All my love,
JHC Read more:Bottom
Date lines 2007-03-11 00:52:52 Heya angel!
I liked your profile, but I want to know some more. First, I'll give you more details about me, it's only fair. I'm very sexy, average height and weight. Personality-wise I'm a bit of a rebel. Mind you, I'm not a pierced beast, but I have my wild side. I'm also open-minded and funny. I love to write short stories and to discuss politics. I'm looking for a date - I don't want to jump in bed right away, been there done that! I want to play it by ear, and not start of too sexual. I guess it's because I've been in serious relationships in the past and want to enjoy myself a bit longer. If you are interested, please reply to this e-mail address.
I'm currently connected using my cousin's account. I'm not sure I want to become a member here yet. Well, thanks!
Dear Chris Hansen,
Go hit on somebody your own age.
Eventually yours,
~S
Fatherly advice 2007-03-09 20:47:20 Dear Satan,
1. I woke up on time this morning.
2. Had an easy commute, Did not flip the bird once.
3. Had a meeting with my boss that ended in I agree and will get on that right away.
4. Worked through lunch to get caught up on professional matters
5. Have not pummeled or killed anyone or anything today!
Somethings wrong, Please help
Your future son-in law.
Dear T,
It's all part of the pussywhipping process, candyass.
Eventually yours,
~S
Check's in the mail 2007-03-12 03:05:01 So what is up with this? If this guy couldn't cash the check then will my child support check from Satan go through?
scoobydubious
Dear child,
Pfft. Everyone knows my dad signs his checks "Colonel Python".
Stan says those checks are signed Wankhin Hiscox, so there shouldn't be a problem.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Check
Stitch in time 2007-03-15 00:36:39 Thank you for thinking of me, Finn.
Holiday Jesus Dress Up!
All my love,
JHC Read more:Stitch
Holy crap 2007-03-14 00:39:36 Seems like you’ve been taking some hits lately. That whole DaVinci Code thing and now this James Cameron tomb thing. People seem to hit you up with all their problems and then blame you when they don’t do anything to hold themselves personally responsible. You know me and my situation all to well. I mean I hit you up all the time, too. But at least I’m trying to give something back and trying to follow what you want.
I know you are always around, but sometimes it’s hard to see you and your works in all the crappy stuff that keeps happening. I will try to stay faithful and would appreciate you dropping me a line when you can.
Rick
Dear child,
"Crappy" is in the eye of the beholder - except when it comes to anything James Cameron puts out.
All my love,
JHC
Two faced 2007-03-16 05:38:14 JESUS
I am afraid i am losing my faith. My fath in Myspace.
Facebook is clearly taking over and its so much better and less cluttered and loads faster and the people on your list are actually people u know.
Satan even forsaken us and departed.
i think you should get a facebook too jesus. bring your teachings there. many will follow.
holla acha faith losin boy
Baghdaddy
Dear child,
I really don't feel like starting the conversion process again. Besides, Stan's back up and running 100% - too bad the same can't be said about MySpace customer service.
All my love,
JHC
TAFKAP 2007-03-19 09:29:11 Dear Satan,
I am your biggest fan. I have a problem. I hate Prints. He is so uncool. Sometimes I feel like I could kill him. He is just so pointless and dirty. He thinks he's so smart but actually he's a fool. He has a friend. He's called Hindu. And both of them have a friend called Asi. If they are together then they make a Triple Of Suckers. They haven't done anything to me but I hate them so much. They are just so pointless! I don't want to be in the same class with them. I can't go to another class. What should I do? Kill them?
Please help me! If You won't I'll ask Jesus!
PS! Prints stinks!
Faithfully
-Silver
Dear Silver,
If you hate Purple Rain that much, don't watch it any more.
Eventually yours,
~S
Behold the future 2007-03-18 09:14:40 satan.i am a christian im 13 years old and i have one question.is oral sex bad? will i go to hell for it? cause if u go to hell for oral sex then im going to hell.
Dear Britney Spears,
You'll probably end up on Montel for it.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Behold
Come again 2007-03-22 22:24:22 Hey JC -
Gotta say I love your work, but when are you going to be releasing something new?! I mean c'mon, seems Stan's gettin' all the good press lately and you're left with people like that crack-slash-pole smokin' evangelical claiming to be your representative here on Earth. Then I ran across this link and it got me thinking maybe there's something to be said for the old ways your dad used to employ.
God Will Fuck You Up
Eventually somebody's,
Wankin Hiscox
Dear child,
I know dude, I know. But there's little I can do while Stan's on the Republican payroll.
Thanks for the link too. Pop loved it.
All my love,
JHC
Pure as the Hudson River 2007-03-21 22:43:57 if i have sex with every guy on my street will i go to hell?????
Dearest child,
If you have sex with every guy on your street, you could throw open your legs and parachute to Hell.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Hudson
, River
2007-03-27 06:50:12 Just curious Jesus, will the site setxtrailerpark.com eventually make me the richest trailer dweller in SETX or will I always remain poor white trash?
If you get a chance will you please bless the forums.
Buck A. Nanked
Dear child,
Seems you sent this email to the wrong party.
From Stan:
"J-
Some twat sent this to my email addy. Future millionaire my ass. Bet he thinks male zebras have the black stripes."
I say just having a puter makes you the richest trailer dweller in SETX. Your site has my blessings.
All my love,
JHC
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