Owner: Emails From Jesus URL:http://www.emailsfromjesus.com Join Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:58:28 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: It's me, Jesus. Satan and I are blogging. People email us their questions, we answer them. There's some pictures and stuff too. It's pretty straightforward. Stop by and have a beer with us sometime. Our doors are always open! Site statistics:Click here
Wish upon a star 2007-01-16 03:13:34 Satan (you sexy thing) 27 years are nearly upon me, still I am possessed with insurmountable lust for Britney Spears; twas possibly the best day of my life when I learnt that she was single & denounced wearing underwear! Chlamydia is a small price to pay for one night with her - including a hotel room with a balcony looking out over a majestic cityscape and dried mangos! Please. Please. Please… birthdays are the time for wishes!!!
jazzyhellyea
Dear jazzy,
Of all wishes, you pick that???
Forget the Chlamydia. Going down on her is like pulling into a two-car garage.
Eventually yours,
~S
Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear 2007-01-18 05:37:45 Hey Jesus,
Do you and Krishna ever have a poker night? and if so who do you also invite?
NathanDearest Nathan,
Of course! Everyone gets together once a month for our meeting on how we can most sufficiently screw with you humans. We play poker, watch hockey, drink Natty Light, whatnot.
Well, everyone is invited except Xenu. He got kicked out of the group years ago for stealing my wallet and jumping on my couch.
My Love,
JHC Read more:Front
, Poker
Gimme head 2007-01-18 03:51:47 Dear Satan:
Can you please do something about those stupid fucking HeadOn commercials?
JeffDear Jeff,
If you think those are bad, wait until they come out with a hemorrhoid formula.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Gimme
Double your pleasure 2007-01-19 07:30:22 Allright...this one's been burning me:
Being born with a gay, conjoined twin. Sharing the same ass. Is that hell or what?
FrankDear Frank,
You couldn't have one gay head and one straight head - remember how the gay bug works once it burrows itself into the bloodstream and the eggs hatch.
Plus, the argument over who has to sleep in the wet spot would be moot.
Eventually yours,
~S
What? I Like Fuzzy Animals 2007-01-20 03:24:57 Good afternoon jesus!
why of all places would you live in beverly hills?
Thanks in advance!My child,
It used to be for the shopping.
Now it's so I can watch Paris Hilton and her beaver dog getting out of the limo.
Yours,
Jesus Read more:Fuzzy
, Animals
A womb with a view 2007-01-20 02:20:01 Hey satan.
How's my place I have reserved down there.
I hope I have an awesome view.
Later homie.
Rhino
Dear Rhino,
You'll have an unobstructed view right into Rosie O'Donnell's bathroom. How awsome is that?
Eventually yours,
~S
Hedonism 101 2007-01-21 20:19:55 why is everything that's wrong/bad feel so right/good??
HHHUWDear ha ha,
Because the people that tell everyone it's wrong or bad are full of shit.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Hedonism
Tit For Tat 2007-01-22 18:29:45 Hey J,
My neighbor is in her late 50's-early 60's, and she's really nice. Whenever it snows, she comes by with her snowblower and does my sidewalks. Now, being a perfectly capable man in his late-30's, I really don't need this woman blowing my snow, and I've never asked her to perform this act since I know it's just encouraging the deadly sin of Sloth. However, she just always gets to them before I have a chance.
Anyway, I was wondering if there is any way aside from going down on the old woman in which I can both repay her and receive a little absolution for my sin of being a lazy bastard? Seriously, Jesus. I have no idea what I will find when I reach the business end of this very kind, yet well-ridden, woman.
With love,
Reluctantly BlownDearest Reluctantly Blown,
You simply need to repay her kindness in a likewise manner, my child.
Have you thought about trimming her bush for her? Rubbing her tomatoes? Sowing your seeds in her garden? Giving her kitten a bath?
My big break 2007-01-23 22:22:30 is it your fault prison break has been off the air for so long?
nybe Dear nybe,
Look for the new reality version this fall starring Lane Garrison.
~S
Bigger Than Jesus 2007-01-23 21:31:02 jesus..
i named my penis jesus.. but he's bigger than you ..
KrisDearest Kris,
Ah crap, you saw those pictures too?
Ok. It was totally cold in that room. And I wasn't expecting Stan to bring a camera. That's all I'm saying.
Yours,
Jesus
Climatic Bubo 2007-01-25 22:35:21 O Foul Denier of His Divinity,
What are your feelings on climate change? I, myself, am looking at the new Honda Civic GX, the natural gas powered car to lower my carbon imprint, but that's a while off. For now it's carpooling and the motor scooter. Any ways, do you want it hot, hot, hot,... or are you a cool cucumber? And by "cool cucumber" I mean flaccid penis.
The Scoot.
Dear Scoot,
I've survived cosmic impacts, near-extinctions, and parachute pants. I'll survive the Gore Effect.
As for your pickle problem, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Eventually yours,
~S
The gift that keeps on giving 2007-01-25 08:27:20 Dear Satan,
What's your opinion on premarital sex?
And, what should I give my boyfriend for his birthday?
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
If getting some makes everyone happy, imagine the kind of world this could be if.....
That should answer the second part of your question as well.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:keeps
No moleste 2007-01-29 00:31:50 If you don't stop trying to molest my sister I am going to have to tell Jesus.
I've seen your sister. The only thing she'd have to worry about is passing out next to a starving Komodo Dragon.
Eventually yours,
~S
Now hiring greeters 2007-01-28 00:29:39 How does this sound as our greetings from hell?
"We're one of the forgotten of mankind, known either as an exiles or....Tainted. We will not hesitate to unleash our years of fury stored within the hearts and minds on to you. If you dare irritate Us, I guarantee that your words shall be twisted against you and, a spot on Satan's list of tasks to carry out. If you don't understand by "Tasks to carry out" It simply means, to kill. Those around you will become corrupted, and join him in the conquest of destruction. Such as the desperation of trust. Hah, Jesus died for your sins? Nonsense,(No Offense buddy!) out of desperation he had entitled himself to a death, for he knew the depths of hell will scorch the thin barrier keeping us away from Earth, in the end, when we roam the earth freely, Religion is useless."
It sounds like you have anger issues.
Eventually yours,
~S
Go to Hell 2007-01-27 00:22:12 I always wondered, now I have the chance to ask you. How is Hitler doing down there ? Do you have any special package of torture for master minds of genocide ? Or do they get a special treatment for carrying on a heck of a job here on earth ?? Be well and why the heck did you make that car smash my automobile yesterday morning ?? Have a steamy weekend?
MayitaDear Mayita,
What makes you think I would want to surround myself with assholes for all eternity? We have a recycling center that turns people of that caliber into cattle feed.
I did not make that car smash into you. That was the second X chromosome at work.
Eventually yours,
~S
Wait, Wait 2007-02-01 02:34:04 Dear Jay:
I notice that there are two different Biblical ringtones in the Google ads on your side of the page. Which do you actually endorse? -- I wouldn't want to make a mistake and burn in hell as a result!
BTW: if I answer all the questions on some Biblical quiz, would you record the message on my answering machine, like Carl Kassel does for winners on "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me"?
DavidDearest David,
Actually, I prefer either "Baby Got Back" or "Thriller" as my ringtone, but you can use anything you desire.
And, no, I don't do answering machine messages. Though, if you ask him nicely, Stan might fart the Star Spangled Banner for you to use.
My Love,
Jesus H. Christ
Holy Yammering! 2007-02-02 21:40:42 ummmm....... things are going ok but there is the one thing that has always been bothering me that is the fact that i have been single for all of my life and also i get rejected in these horrible ways and it feels like i am alone and i could be around lot of people and still feel so alone i dont know what to do and i thought the guy i like liked me back but my friend says he is going to ask someone else out and it hurts even thougth i kind already knew that he didnt like me but i just feel so depressed and alone is there any thing that i can do to change this feeling to change what keeps on happing tell me what i can do...........
RachelDearest Rachel,
Two words for your next boyfriend:
Duct tape.
All My Love,
JHC
Only with thine eyes 2007-02-03 10:16:40 Satan,
Thanks again for alcohol and Southern Baptists. My life has been hell trying to get a decent drink in Texas. I'm not sure which one you did (or if you're responsible for either) but putting me in the middle of that combination had to be your scheming.
Frank
Dear Frank,
Southern Baptists wouldn't recognize each other in a bar, and Texas has some of the best clubs in the world. My guess is you're accidentally walking in on AA meetings at a local church.
Eventually yours,
~S
Moon river 2007-02-05 23:52:40 Sup Stan?
Why is it that every time I listen to you my life turns into a living hell? Like the time you thought it would be a good idea to get shit faced and moon the all night dispatcher at mutual aid. That one cost me $100 and the humiliation of an indecent exposure, plus public urination. I didn't mean to piss but I was laughing so hard, it just happened.
JRMD HJ
Oh Yeah, and the go get drunk while I wait? Yeah, that's another great idea.
PS Let's keep this between you and I, that do gooder Jesus has been keeping me up at night preaching about straightening myself out.
Dear Heywood,
You're lucky you escaped with just that. In another branch of the military, it would've gotten you a date.
Eventually yours,
~S
ps: so you and J are drinking buddies now?
Tale of two titties 2007-02-04 23:32:15 hey buddy . . . the "chasing amy" guy here . . .thanks for all the help, but i'm calling it quits on that front. any ideas on how to up the ante on the next one? i mean, short of trying to seduce a nun, what do i have to do to score some bonus points with you?
see ya soon!
-paul
Dear Paul,
You don't have to score bonus point with me. Watching you try so hard to crash the custard truck into her twat waffle was entertainment o' plenty.
Next one? You're actually going to try to convert another bush pilot? Why not just get the operation and join their party?
Better yet, do it yourself. Martha Stewart can show you how using a mellon baller, instant oatmeal, and used sandwich bags.
Eventually yours,
~S
DeadSpace 2007-02-07 07:02:06 so, did they finally throw you out of the myspace world, or were you just getting sick of the hairy, nekkid fatty boys sending you cellphone pics in hotel room mirrors? is your resolve turning a bit flacid in your old age?
-dr forkbeard
Dear dr,
You'd be better off snorting the contents of a pencil sharpener than trying to figure out what's going on over there. Seems hundreds of members have had their profiles yanked for no reason lately.
I'm really going miss all those spam bulletins and phishing scams...
Eventually yours,
~S
Be my Valentine 2007-02-07 23:14:01 Satan!
You've been nominated for one or more RFS Blog awards! Hooray!
Christie
Click the Pic
So, J....
I take it you'll be at home launching the hand shuttle again this Valentine
's Day?
~S
Happiest Place On Earth 2007-02-08 22:02:00 jesus
what is it like in Heaven or a.k.a. kingdom of God
JacDearest Jac,
Chucky Cheese
- Brats
+ Strippers
-------------------------
Heaven
My Love,
JC Read more:Place
, Earth
Love Is A Battlefield 2007-02-10 20:25:56 jesus
can you please kill hilary clinton and every left wing homosexual tree huggn vegeterian on your good green earth if you do i will surrender myself to your will
stephenDearest Stephen,
I dunno - that's a lot of people, dude. I barely have time to get rid of all the Evangelicals.
One battle at a time, my child.
My Love,
Jesus
A little rain must fall 2007-02-12 06:30:50 Dear Stan, I just read the H1N1 virus may spread to cats and then to us. Why would you do such things?
Sarah in Toldeo
Dear Sarah,
So what would be an acceptable way for people to die? Everything that allows nature to run its course has a ".org" site behind it raising money to stop it.
Don't you want to spend eternity in a happy, sunny place? Or are you not buying into that too?
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:little
It all adds up 2007-02-13 01:34:04 Found this little jem over at Jessica Hagy's website, Indexed.
See? Even the Babylonians knew what was going on.
Eventually yours,
~S
Home is where the heart is 2007-02-14 14:03:05 San Rafael, California
February 14, 2007
Police said a California man admitted faking his own kidnapping to keep his wife from finding out he crashed her new car.
Police in San Rafael said the 35-year-old told authorities two kidnappers held him up at gunpoint, so he decided to purposely crash the car into a wall to escape.
Under questioning he admitted making the whole story up. A police spokeswoman said the man was worried about how his wife would react to her car being wrecked.
The man could face criminal charges for making a false report.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Eventually yours,
~S
Happy VD Day 2007-02-14 19:47:56 Dear Jesus,
Just wanted to say Happy
Valentine's Day. You rock.
KarlDearest Karl,
I appreciate your words, child. But, we can't go out again - last time left me too itchy and out $100.
Yours (in spirit only!),
Jesus
Pure genius 2007-02-16 05:18:51 I should have went into marketing.
Eventually yours,
~S
Read more:genius
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