Owner: Emails From Jesus URL:http://www.emailsfromjesus.com Join Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:58:28 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: It's me, Jesus. Satan and I are blogging. People email us their questions, we answer them. There's some pictures and stuff too. It's pretty straightforward. Stop by and have a beer with us sometime. Our doors are always open! Site statistics:Click here
Pity Party 2006-12-22 07:31:00 Hey whats up Satan? Any plans for the holidays? Did you get anything for Jesus? You should, Christmas is a time to set differences aside. Anyway, have a Merry Christmas.
Bushbomb
Dear Bushbomb,
I got him a Frankincense Chia Head and some socks to take care of that sandal slime.
I'll be throwing my annual Christmas bash. Stop by if you'd like. Bring Astroglide.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Party
Immaculate Exception 2006-12-22 05:18:25 Hey JC,
Som ones movin in on your gig man. I know way back in the day your dad god raped your mom mary, and thats pretty rough but you came out alright, well he or someone else who can knock up a chick without being noticed, just inseminated a Komoto Dragon.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/20122006/80-132/virgin-birth-expected-komodo-dragon.html
Now I shouldn't go assuming that it was your pops, theres plenty of other candidates, Im lookin at you Zeus, but he does have a history of it. All Im saying is you should probably ask your dad to stop raping, its illegal now. I know I know back in the day you raped a chick, gave her 50 bucks and then you could marry her, but times have changed. And as for raping lizards, thats just wierd.
Anyway, you might want to have a chat with your old man about that, you don't want him to end up in the click do you? Im sure he'd hold his own, but man there would be a lot of unhappy christians if they found out that god was doin 20 upstate. Just watch out f Read more:Immaculate
Forsaken bacon 2006-12-28 23:52:16 why did the jews hate you so much??
Kevin BaconMy dearest child,
Harvey Keitel put the Jew in Judas in The Last Temptation of Christ.
He was with Bill Paxton in U-571, who was with Helen Hunt in Twister, who was with Jack Nicholson in As Good As it Gets who was with you in A Few Good Men.
So you see, you're behind the hate.
All my love,
JHC
99% pure 2006-12-27 23:46:42 jesus, am i sinning when i have impure thoughts??? this girl i like, parades around with the name jesus tits and i kinda wanna spank her. Can you help me???
MegatronMy Dearest Child,
A handful of crotchety, deprived elders made up the "list of impure thoughts", so knock yourself out. Any time you need help spanking a chick, just holla.
All my love,
JHC
Trippendicular 2006-12-31 20:18:16 JESUS H CHRIST!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SENDING AN EMAIL TO JESUS! I'M STOKED!!!!!!
KEN4SHIZZLEMy dear child,
I can't believe somebody in their 30's still uses the word "stoked".
All my lizzle,
JHC
Huge cocks 2006-12-31 17:11:40 Is there anyplace in your Dark Army for a 6ft Chicken with a wiffle ball bat? If so, SIGN ME UP!
DanielDear Daniel,
You talking Burger King's subservient chicken, the Family Guy chicken, or you dressed as a BDSM chicken?
Eventually yours,
~S
Happy New Year II 2007-01-02 03:54:31 As you nurse your hangover, scramble to come up with bail money, and give away your last paycheck because you bet on the wrong team, remember that I hold each and every one of you in loving contempt.
Best wishes for sprained ankles and herpes in 2007!
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Happy
, Happy New Year
Happy New Year 2007-01-02 00:36:58 My dearest children,
Best wishes for a healthy, rewarding 2007! You all rock.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Happy
, Happy New Year
Private parts 2007-01-02 21:41:44 Almighty One,
January first is the Catholic celebration of your circumcision. How do you celebrate the anniversary of your first surgery, and do you still hold a grudge against your mohel?
The Scoot.Dear child,
FYI, it's loch in kop and does not affect shtupping. And no, my mohel is still a haimisher mensch.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Private
Search me 2007-01-03 01:29:38 I thought it would be fun to highlight some of the keyword phrases you people used to find us in 2006. I think it safe to say a lot of you are perverts. It appears one of you is having a problem with your neighbor's dog.
demon babies
fat jesus
kfc jesus
porn a sin
can jesus rap
tonya harding wedding night
jesus in a bathtub
i attract assholes
jesus drinking beer
lespians haven sex
you need to get laid e mail
jesus save me from your followers
everytime you masterbate a kitten dies
stewie bow chica
revenge on nasty neighbors
it s not gay if balls don t touch
jesus colon
talking jesus toy
can you get pregnant if he ejaculates on your boardshorts in water?
prostitution fountain hills
mormon neighbor driving me nuts
a cloud that looks like jesus
codependent wife
teenager german shepherd eat me
real alien abduction july 2006 joshua tree ca
hasselhoff is the devil
picture of jesus helping a surgeon
is jesus a moron
biggest tit
jesuses diet
asshole magnet
lord jesus and alien abductio Read more:Search
One child left behind 2007-01-04 00:03:35 im jesus muthafucka,
i come in tha name of jesus by the power of the holy spirit, god almighty, you know tha ruler of heaven and earth and every god damn thing in between. this aint..i aint playin with yo ass. jesus is tha way to peace, i dont see n e of you ass out publishin peace......fuck what you talkin bout. you hopin in tha lord huh? you hopin in vane and supersitious shit, thats why you cant see me house nigga. you fuckin nem-com fuckin poop, travel to tha gates of hell and travel you ass tha hell up out of here!!! beoch!!!!!My dear child
,
I spent days trying to decipher your rambling jibberish and finally decided just to post this one verbatim in "Hate Mail". Your colorful repeated use of the F-bomb isn't exactly the foundation of Christianity, but then again you really don't seem to have much of a foundation anyway.
Dad says to keep your beoch ass in school and stop using the N word.
All my love,
JHC Read more:behind
, left behind
Food fight 2007-01-04 19:47:44 Dear Jesus,
Any ideas where I left my 2005 W-2's? I'm buying a house and need them.
Thanks,
Your favorite whore.Dearest Paris,
I always thought you needed a job to get one of those???
Anyway, Lindsay Lohan took them and made a salad.
All my love,
JHC Read more:fight
Sum Dum Fuk 2007-01-05 17:58:30 stan,
can you wipe fuckin China off the map? my website get hacked and nobody in that pigfucking dogeating patentstealing babykilling counterfeiting communist excuse for a ricedick country gives a shit.
tripper
Dear tripper,
Eventually yours,
~S
Chef de partie 2007-01-06 06:03:30 Alright mate,
im just a little lost in life at the moment and have run out of ice cream. What do you suggest? thanks, amen
Joe Spence My dear child,
I've always found comfort in a bacon buttie or bag of Walkers marmite crisps.
All my love,
JHC
Tossing cookies 2007-01-07 06:14:37 Jesus am i gonna go to heave i should i havent done nothing bad like real bad and i go to church i mean i sin sometimes but alot of people sin and go to heave so am i going? thanks tyler Dearest child,
There's no reason to associate me with bulimia. I believe you're thinking of a Roman vomitorium.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Tossing
Something borrowed 2007-01-08 08:03:09 hi satan how do i get putang when it belongs to my best friend?
Moonsailing on the water
Dear Moonsailing,
Just go into his nightstand while he's asleep and take it. Be sure to wash it out and put in fresh batteries after.
Eventually yours,
~S
You dropped a bomb on me 2007-01-08 03:51:44 Hi Jesus,
I love the blog. However, I have a bit of trouble taking the teachings of a piece of Bronze-Age Israeli yard art seriously, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor?
Apparently, there's this diamond out in space that's around 4,000 kilometers across. It's only about 50 light years away, so you really wouldn't have to do much work. I was just wondering if you could find it in your heart to drop it on my girlfriend who is always nagging me about diamonds and whatnots?
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to get engaged. I just think a lot of men out there could appreciate the irony of an obnoxiously marriage-minded woman having a diamond the size of Europe dropped on her. And, since you're powerful and all, could you slap a nice big Post-It on there with a picture of a rose and the phrase "'til death do us part."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3492919.stm
Thanks,
DP
Dear child,
And if she survives? Would you feel safe asking her bust y
My predictions for 2007 2007-01-10 21:06:25 Here are my predications for the year:
1) Peace will finally arrive in the Middle East, but relations will quickly sour when plans are revealed that the new DisneySand theme park will feature Mohammed Mouse.
2) Rosie O'Donnell and Kelli Carpenter will decide to have their own child. Potential sperm donors will include Michael Moore, Clay Aiken and Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
3) Gas prices will drop to pre-1990 levels by summer, but demand will again skyrocket when scientists announce the MTBE additive was found to cure Bird Flu.
4) Paris Hilton's uterus will finally fall out in front of Charles Jourdan. A tourist from Beattyville, Kentucky will find it and eBay it, mistakenly advertising it as a used hot water bottle.
5) The search for Osama bin Laden will come to an end when he's discovered working at a Medford Circuit City cell phone counter during an unrelated ICE raid.
6) Beavers will launch devastating orchestrated attacks on humans after their ACLU lawsuit demandi
Do you see what I see? 2007-01-10 16:46:12 Heya Buddy Christ
Another year is about to roll in and I'm wondering what the hell to expect. Will we see hurricanes, assasinations, war, the appocalypse, or just more human beings fucking each other over? How many movies will Mel Gibson make in strange foreign languages? How many times will I email you, hoping that I too can have my 15 minutes on your site? Will someone FINALLY put K-Fed out of his misery? Will anyone ever figure out where the HELL Waldo went?
I think it's time for some answers.
Not-Quite-Yours,
B.CDear child,
I'm not allowed to speak about what is to come. What I can say is buy more duct tape.
All my love,
JHC
Foster parent 2007-01-10 06:31:24 I can understand falling asleep once in the tanning booth, but you are constantly red, Stan. Did Jody Foster
take back the Coppertone?
WavyGravyDavy
Dear WGD,
Now I'm going to be spending all day thinking of the scene from Family Guy when the lesbian couple are talking to the receptionist at a sperm bank and one says, "we're going to need some sperm and an applicator shaped like Jodie Foster's knuckles."
Damn you to here.
Eventually yours,
~S
Fortune nookies 2007-01-08 16:16:35 Dear Jesus,
What will my trip to Cancun with Jeff be like? Any good things to come?
EmilyDear child,
I'll watch for you in the new Girls Gone Wild ad.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Fortune
Home sweet home 2007-01-12 09:27:33 its jesus of narareth not bethelhem was his birth place.
FlennellyFaceDear child,
I've never heard of either of those places. Narnia would have been closer.
All my love,
JHC
Turds of pray 2007-01-12 05:24:19 While praying to the porcelian the other night I called out your name many a times and you never came to help. what the fuck!
Eric Dear child,
Thou. Shalt. Not. Have. Any. Gods. Before. Me.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Turds
Geography Rulez! 2007-01-12 15:13:53 When ya coming too Earth too raise some HELL.? Cant wait too do some sinning!! ha ha
Clay
Dear Clay,
I'm not Xenu.
Glib.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Geography
Turn, turn, turn 2007-01-13 16:59:50 Dear Jesus,
I know you put me with my boyfriend for a reason but what gives? He wants to "idle" and "not take the relationship any further". You've already had me marry a gay man. Can't you cut a girl some slack? I'll be 33 next week. Shine some light on this situation for me please. The whole "I came from a rib thing", I don't buy it. I more believe the "you made a rough draft then you made perfection" form of creationism. Clearly there is a reason you don't see women blowing eachother up. If the number of women becoming lesbian is on the rise, I can't say I'm surprised. You need to sprinkle some magic dust on the earthly men down here or something, times are getting desperate. Thanks for all you do! I especially want to thank you for allowing my son to live through his accident this summer.
-Trina Dear child,
Are you sure you're just not one of those women who turn men gay?
ps: your son will be around for a good long time.
All my love,
JHC
Son of a birch 2007-01-13 14:49:06 Satan,
I have a problem. I am an avid environmentalist and a heathen. The problem is, each day so many trees are wasted on prayer requests to say my soul. It rips my heart out to imagine all of those poor trees that have to been cut down just so someone can write on a peice of paper that they hope my soul will be saved. Is there any way I can convince these people that I am yours forever? What about the trees?
Your servant in hell,
Wild BillDear Wild Bill,
Instead of hugging bunnies, go for full anal penetration. That's pretty convincing.
I don't do trees. You need to email the hippie on that. If it makes you feel any better, these people who send in letters to be "prayed over" are also sending in their life savings...
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:birch
Claptrap 2007-01-14 19:14:58 Hey!!!! I found the answer to that question you asked me about the other day. I think that it's Chlamydia you've got instead of Syphilis. I know you told me that you were having problems with an infectious discharge, which is a common symptom of syphilis, but I think that the constant pain in your lower stomach and burning sensation when you pee are more characteristic of Chlamydia. I know how you didn't want too many people to know about it, so I didn't mind calling around to find out what is wrong with you. Just being a good friend and letting ya know ~LATER
P.S. I heard walgreens has that cream that you needed for that oral herpes too. And dont worry, it doesnt have any alchohol so it wont burn.
Adam
Dear child,
I see Stan's been talking to you.
Thanks for calling around for me, even though every pharmacist in town thinks you're a manwhore...
All my love,
JHC
Turn back time 2007-01-15 20:40:17 hello jesus, i thought that you'd actually be about a couple of thousand years old. and why aren't you sure of your sexual orientation?
anyway, could you help me out? i've got a paper due in about 24 hours, d'you think you could help extend time for me? 'cos i seriously need it dude. thanks. amen. Dear child,
Not only am I omnipotent, I'm all things to all people. Like Ricky Martin.
I couldn't extend time, but Stan said he pushed you down that flight of stairs. Let me know how you do on your paper when you're released next week.
All my love,
JHC
Recommend Site To A Friend
