Owner: Emails From Jesus URL:http://www.emailsfromjesus.com Join Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:58:28 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: It's me, Jesus. Satan and I are blogging. People email us their questions, we answer them. There's some pictures and stuff too. It's pretty straightforward. Stop by and have a beer with us sometime. Our doors are always open! Site statistics:Click here
Sooner the better 2006-11-10 14:03:31 Heya,
Since I'm pretty sure it was you that helped me score sweet seats to the OU game
this weekend, I thought I'd let you know I'll be holding a sign with a shoutout to
you on it!
You ROCK!
Love & Sprinkles,
Kim from Oklahoma
PS, how many feet would I have to wash for a Sooner victory?Dearest Kim,
Send me a pic of you holding the sign. Or a pic of you nekkid holding the sign. Or just a pic of you nekkid. Ya know. Whatever.
More skin = more points. No feet.
All my love,
J
Read more:better
And the Oscar goes to... 2006-11-16 00:36:50 Satan,
Whom do you feel captured your essence best on film and/or television?
pjb
Dear pjb,
Max von Sydow's character, Leland Gaunt in Needful Things, came the closest I think. For that matter, Tim Curry's voice as me in 3DO's game Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can't be ruled out - we're talking about Tim Curry after all...
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Oscar
Hit me 2006-11-18 03:29:09 So what exactly level of hell do you go to when you hire a hitman? Just curious...
Kirsten Dear Kirsten,
It depends on how much you spend.
Eventually yours,
~S
Hey diddle, diddle 2006-11-17 03:32:57 Dear J,
My Christian friends tell me that I'm going to hell because I enjoy masturbating. Is that true? Cuz I really don't want to go to hell, though I'm pretty sure I don't want to give up masturbating either.
Love,
RavenDearest Raven,
How exactly do your friends know you enjoy harvesting your lentil? Do you need a heavier pillow?
And no, my child, masturbation is not a ticket to Hell. People masturbate in Heaven too. What do you think snow is?
All my love,
JC
Joke's On You 2006-11-20 16:53:08 Jesus, (is it ok if I call you that?)
I was wondering if your father, God, has a sense of humor? I just can't imagine such.....wonderful guy not having one. If you'd rather not go into moments or events that weren't worth remembering, then I can understand.
Benny Q.
Dearest Benny Q,
My dad actually does have a pretty good sense of humor - especially when he's been into the scotch. Ever hear of a little group called the Southern Baptists? Yep. One of his favorite drunken pranks.
My Love (and scotch),
JHC
MegaSlut 2006-11-25 07:17:30 I love you Satan! You're responsible for so many great things in the world: heavy metal, Paris Hilton, etc. Let's be friends!
Becky :)
Dear Becky,
Paris Hilton in the same class as heavy metal??? Put down the meth.
Fergie should have written her song about Paris. N to the A to the S T E Y, girl you nasty.
Eventually yours,
~S
Money for nothing 2006-11-24 07:14:03 May I suggest an World War 3 sir? Or perhaps making sure that the United States Economy is down for good by, simply destroying all.
DevinDear Devin,
I sense you have a problem with an elitist group of spoon-fed fatass businessmen cocksuckers having all the fun.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Money
School's out for-ever 2006-11-23 07:07:41 In looking at your myspace account, I noticed under education you have "Post Grad". Well that leads to a few interesting questions:
Where did you go to school?
What did you study?
Was it a worthless liberal arts degree that would have made you totally unqualified to manage Hell were it not for the revolution you lead?
Do you have a scholarship program?
FrankDear Frank,
I went to NYU - the alma mater of many of my minion.
I hold over 300 doctorates. Many honorary, but I did a lot more than Bill Cosby to get them - none of which involved drugging.
If you think I'm doing a poor job, please send me your resume.
I have a scholarship program, and if you're the son or daughter of a politician, you'll be considered.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:School
Deja View 2006-11-27 10:24:01 dear stan,
i'm madly in love with this girl from my work. but she happens to be a lesbian. i asked j/c for help awhile back, but since he moved off the prayer format and into myspace, he's had this whole "holier than thou" attitude, which frankly, besides irritating me is doing naught but making me take His name in vain. frequently.
seriously, i'm a smooth-ass talker and i've managed to hook up with her, but i haven't quite rounded home yet, if you know what i mean.
so let's talk turkey. i know quite a few fairly impressionable people that i can weasel souls from.
what's it gonna cost me, and how soon can we make this happen?
yours truly (literally, i have a timeshare in hell. one with a lake view. a lake of fire, but eh, a lake's a lake, right?) -paulDear Paul,
Your story is quite moving. I suggest putting it on paper and submitting it to any of the major movie studios. "Chasing Amy" would be a great title.
Eventually yours,
~S
Raising the bar 2006-11-29 03:33:58 Yo Jesus,
How did you spend this Thanksgiving? Turkey and pie with the Big Man, or Natty Light and Mini-Golf with Stan?
Love and Sprinkles,
Kim from OklahomaMy Dearest Kim,
I spent Thanksgiving on the couch watching the Macy's parade in my underbritches nursing a hangover. Wednesday really is the biggest bar night of the year.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Raising
Short films 2006-11-29 21:42:12 Mr Satan...
is midget porn wrong ?
Baghdaddy
Dear Baghaddy,
Not as wrong as watching them run track.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Short
All in the family 2006-12-01 03:51:59 hey my mom cantwaitto meet you but me on the other hand wont be seeing u!
♥brianna maestas
GodBlessYou
neither me or my mom will be going to hell
just stoped by to say hey and your a very bad person
Love, alaina willhite
Burn in hell
Love, amber starr
Dear Sybil,
I think one of your personalities is manic-depressive.
Eventually yours,
~S
Disappearing act 2006-12-03 22:20:02 SATAN
Jesus hasnt been around in a while. you wouldnt happen to KNOWWW anything about that would you ?
Baghdaddy
Dear Baghdaddy,
He's fine but not happy. This is his busy time of the year as you can imagine, and his agent overbooked his appearances.
Eventually yours,
~S
Read more:Disappearing
Me me me 2006-12-05 02:07:46 Why do people feel that you are the supreme being? Why? What did you ever do? Be "God's Son?" Why believe someone who says such things? Oh and am I going to Heaven?
-JuliaMy Dear Child,
I was content just being a carpenter. Next thing I know, I'm asked to conjure up food for the hungry and heal the crippled. You know the rest of the story.
Even to this day, I'm inundated with millions of requests every day. Nobody ever asks me what I'd like. Not even for my birthday. I don't even get a stinking plate of cookies and a glass of milk. Now you know why I drink.
You want to get into Heaven? Buy me something nice this year.
All my love,
JHC
Calgon, take me away 2006-12-08 02:39:21 Since Massachusetts is about to dump our Mormon gov., Mitt Romney, on an unsuspecting nation (no, we won't take him back under any circumstances), I wondered if you'd weigh in on the Mormon thing. Do you have any feeling about what precisely the proper number of wives one should have is? What about the special underwear they wear? Is that another word for thong?
WavyGravyDavyDearest WGD,
Sometimes one wife is too many. This is where cloning comes in.
Ah, yes. Magical Mormon Underbritches. The stains of sin are cast from the fabric with a little holy water and space bleach.
All my love,
JHC
Read more:Calgon
Tasty fish 2006-12-07 02:21:17 Dear Jebus,
Are you still a Jew, or am I the only one left on earth? Ohh yeah do you eat pork?
jodyDearest jody,
Once you're in the Jews, you're in for life. It's like a motorcycle gang, only everyone drives Cadillacs. But you go on thinking you're the center of the universe - that's what keeps us going.
Now you know we're forbidden from eating pork. This is why we Jewish men aren't skilled at cunnilingus.
All my love,
JHC Read more:Tasty
High sticking 2006-12-09 16:33:51 will you have sex with my girlfriend????
LLVDear LLV,
Why would I have sex with Paul Gaustad?
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:sticking
81873 5+(_)|)j 2006-12-10 16:40:41 Dear punctured one,
So... I saw on a bulletin board a notice for a "BiBle study group" at my community college. It promised "food, fun, and Jesus". Yes, I go to community college. Any ways, assuming that "BiBle" is in fact, "Bible", I wonder how proficient the group leaders are in the bible.
Last time Food, Fun, and you were in the same spot, some stuff went down a few hours later. I guess my question has to be, would you go to a "BiBle" study group, and what gauge are your wrist piercings?
The Scoot. Dearest child,
I see they're resorting to 1337 to make my story more hip.
"Will a virgin forget her ornament, or a bride her stomacher? But my people hath forgotten me days without number. Which really suxxorz."
No, I would not go a study group. If I want to feel unworthy, I'll go hit on chicks at the bar.
BTW, they don't measure nails by gauge - it's pennies.
All my love,
JHC
Merry Christmanukkahwanzaa! 2006-12-12 23:43:20 Dear Satan,
Don't you get a kick out of how many people believe the Jesus story is true? I mean, come on, the dying and resurrecting godman scenario is obviously borrowed from the mystery religions. Good job on deceiving the masses.
Brian
Dear Brian,
You know what I get a kick out of? Watching Christians sit back and take a guilt beating every time they try to celebrate a holiday.
Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky threatens a lawsuit because he demanded a menorah be added to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport decorations. So what did they do? They took down the trees out of fear they would have to add other decorations representing other religions.
Exactly how many religions celebrate the birth of Jesus in December? Did I miss an email?
So you Christians have what? Two days? Easter and Christmas? Don't Jews close banks 36 times a year? Isn't Ramadan a whole month? Shit, even Chanukah is eight days. And if not for Jewish influence, you Christians wouldn't even have Easter.
Read more:Merry
You say you want a revolution 2006-12-13 04:19:13 Dear JC,
What do you think of Jay Bakker's Revolution Church?
Peace out.
K!Dearest child,
Let me post a couple quotes from their site:
The Idea of Revolution:
To show all people the unconditional love and grace of Jesus without any reservations because of their lifestyle or religious background, past or future. This love has no agenda behind it (I Cor. 13:5). This grace sets no timeline on personal change or standards for spiritual growth (Romans 4:4-5). The idea is to be a part of people's lives because we truly care for them rather than to fulfill a religious duty; to walk with them through all their struggles as a part of their life, not as a religious outsider.
Religion Kills:
Religion is a false perception of holiness that focuses on law and kills the true message of Christ. Jesus had much to say about the religious who put the law before his true message.
What's not to like? This is pretty much what I've been saying all along.
O.k.... so I was a little taken abac Read more:revolution
The Hand That Robs the Cradle 2006-12-14 07:16:02 Heya JC,
I know I've written to you in the past about guys (remember, the one who was 20 years older than me? What the hell was I thinking?), so this letter isn't really that different. There's this boy who's dangerous to my ego, as he's always saying how gorgeous I am, even when I look as bad as Kelly Osborne after rehab. Problem? He's 18. Not THAT bad, considering I AM 21, but it still makes me feel a little dirty. My twin sister says that even though I see him as a toddler, if he can cut his own food, he's fair game. What do you think?
Love & Sprinkles,
Kim from OklahomaDearest Kim,
Snag it now while you have the chance. Unless you're Alice Walton, you'll not be a sugar momma when you're in your 50's - especially if you look like Kelly Osbourne in your twenties....
All my love,
JHC Read more:Cradle
Wrist rocket 2006-12-15 04:44:08 What's shakin', Satan?
So listen- the other day I sent a comment to Jesus thanking him for all girl roller derby, but he never said anything back. Do you think that's because he doesn't condone it? Are you maybe responsible for roller derby? I mean, we are a bunch of tattooed, drinking bad girls who hit each other. So I was just wondering.
Beth
Dear Beth,
Condone it? He's still got his right hand packed in ice because of it.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Wrist
, rocket
I save! (literally) 2006-12-15 04:20:29 I knew it was only a matter of time...
For the record, yes, I shop at Wal-Mart once in a while.
You know what's insulting to my dad? People like Joe Phelps who misuses our word for their own agenda.
Besides, the Bible really isn't the go-to book if you want to speak against gender-based discrimination or the treatment of subordinates. Oh. And let us not forget that whole Isaac-looks-up-to-see-his-dad-about-to-stab-him-to-death thing. That kinda makes child labor look like a booger. Know what I mean?
All my love,
JHC Read more:literally
Love letters 2006-12-15 09:48:39 Stan,
you totally wrote this...it should say "letters to Satan"
~I~
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
biLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the Space Ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Read more:Love letters
On the hot seat 2006-12-17 02:42:48 O decrier of virtue,
So... I get whatever worldly desire I crave, and in return, you get my soul for all eternity to torment?
How is that even a fair deal for you? I mean, worldly items have to be pricey, and after all this time, you must have billions of souls in your inventory. What's the point of getting more souls? You could spend all eternity torturing the ones you have, and never get bored. Plus, you get some souls by default...
What, do you have OCD, or something?
The Scoot.
Dear Scoot,
One, I get all my worldly items from China.
Two, I don't keep souls for eternity. It's logistically impossible to keep such an inventory - even with the hiring of thousands of undocumented migrant workers.
Three, I don't have OCD. I know this because I read a book on it 287 times.
Eventually yours,
~S
Sacked 2006-12-18 08:05:35 Do people hacky sack in hell? If they don't then they toaly should. They probably do since all the people that play smoke weed.
AaronDear Aaron,
Some do. I saw one group yesterday using Mark Foley's nutsack.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Sacked
Partially hydrogenated blogs 2006-12-19 04:31:07 Dear Satan/Jesus,
I'm not sure if anyone has asked you these questions or not but here goes:
1. Do you read other people's blog? If you do, what blogs are those?
2. What is your opinion on Oreo cookies?
Cheers,
Bo
Dear Bo,
I hate blogging. I love Oreo's.
Do you remember back in 2003 when San Fransisco (surprise, surprise) attorney Stephen Joseph filed a lawsuit against Nabisco to get them to stop selling Oreo's to kids? Well, back then everyone claimed that eliminating trans fats would prevent 7,600 to 17,100 cases of coronary heart disease and 2,500 to 5,600 deaths every year.
Remember those numbers - 'cause now that trans fats are on the way out, if those numbers are waaaay off, I know a certain lawyer who's going to be chugging a gallon of fully hydrogenated oil.
Eventually yours,
~S
Frosty the Freshly-Divorced-SnowWoman 2006-12-20 03:07:02 Dear Satan:
My ex husband is a complete moron. Could you please assist me in having his eyes gouged out, penis as well as testicles completely severed. I would like him to be skinned and rolled in salt.
Thank you for your time!
Suzanne
Dear Suzanne,
Merry Christmas!
JC's the one you want to talk to about your request - the people on his side have a ton more experience in those techniques than I.
Eventually yours,
~S Read more:Frosty
, Divorced
The ox and RAM kept time 2006-12-20 23:54:42 Dear Cheeses,
I wondered if you could tell me why you have chosen the Macintosh computer over the PC (e.g., a Dell off of the telly)? Is it because you are a "creative thinker"? And does Satan use a Mac too?
Also, what do you want for your birthday? I've got you a five-pack of iPod socks but if you don't want them just say.
Loving you is easy, 'cos you're beautiful.
Non-workingmonkeyDearest child,
It's very simple: Microsoft bad, Apple good. Now you know what Stan uses.
I'd love to have your leftover iPod socks! You took care of my regifting issue...
All my love,
JHC
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