Alcohol
2007-06-17 03:48:00
Theese last nine months, I have been drinking a lot less than I have before (a lot because my BF does not drink at all, and I am thankful to him for that) and it makes me upset how this fact is treated in the group of friends I used to hang around in. The last two times when I have been there with them on a saturday night I have gotten the questions: "Why don´t you drink more?" "You used to drink a lot more?" and I have almost been forced to drink, by getting a glass of alcohol in my hand and constantly beeing watched with statements like: "alcohol is not that dangerous, drink it up!" "why is your drink not disappearing?" "there is a lot of alcohol, don´t let it go to waste!" All of theese accusations and questions has the understatement of: " "you are a partykiller, you should not even be here if you are not going to drink".I have been there myself, thinking that you are a nerd if you are not drinking, and thinking that this person must have a stick up his/her ass because of not dri
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Martyr
2007-06-15 15:47:00
I am trying to get rid of my demons inside me. I have never ever doubted in my mind that there would be anything inside me that would stop me from getting rid of theese demons. Today when I had my talk with my therapist, I realized that it wasn´t true, and that was a shocker to me!I have a problem with critisicm, my way of defending myself is by becoming a martyr. If I beat on myself, no one else will, and I will be safe. I started doing just that during our talk, and a strange struggle arouse in me, I wasn´t as sure anymore that I wanted to get rid of my martyrness, this has been my way of defending myself for my whole life, this is my protection, this is the only thing I know, and there was something inside me saying: "NO, you can´t get rid of this feeling, this is you, this is the innermost you, the only thing that is true in you, the only thing that has been in you since you were a little kid.Change is not easy, especially self destructive emotions seems to be magnetic and feels
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Two weeks in Italy
2007-06-14 14:26:00
Oh man....we saw so much during theese weeks, that is why our feet hurt so much afterwards also... :/We started our trip in Genova, where I had to work for two days before we could start our travels. But then I had about half a day to walk around in the city, get lost inte old town, and really feel that I am in Italy
.Our trip continued to Pisa, to see the famous leaning tower. The tower was a lot smaller than I had imagined it, and I was a bit suprised. But the courtyard with the dome and the leaning tower was still a beautiful place all together.Our trip then continued to the beautiful island Elba. I really wish the weather would have been better so that we could have spent some more time there, swimming, riding a scooter around the island and eating icecream. But we had really bad luck with the weather and without the sun in Elba, there is not much to do. I still want to say that it was a beautiful, beautiful island and I felt at home immediatly. I was so happy to be near the ocean,
One year since we met
2007-06-13 13:11:00
To my love.Today it is one year since we met for the first time. I still remember the first time I saw you and I remember how I loved your big and beautiful smile and your soft and warm dark brown eyes.A lot has happend during the year we have been together, and it would be a lie to say it has always been easy, we have been trough some rough periods together. But we have both grown during this year, in ourselves and in our relationship. We have not yet succeded to chain our demons within us, but we have found more courage and more tools to survive. It is not easy to have a relationship while you have a demon from the past within you, a demon that affects your present and your future. But whenever the demon has made me feel like I am burnt useless fless, you have put out the fire, looked trough the black and burnt stuff and made me feel whole again. No one besides you has ever made me feel like I am ok as I am, you are the only one who has succeeded.When you, my love,have your fights w
The ring
2007-06-11 12:42:00
Sometimes you buy things that you immeditatly get really attatched to. This is my wonderful ring from Italy. I think I like it so much because of the curls in it, the beauty of the unexpected with a red ball in the end and because it looks beautiful on my long fingers.Fashion is not really my thing, but sometimes you find things that you know are just you. It might be the latest fashion, or it might not. Anyway, I have always been a succer for the unusual, curvy and dramatic :).................mode, ring, skönhet
List of questions
2007-06-11 12:03:00
I am saying the same thing as the one who challenged me. I don´t really like theese kind of lists, but I´ll do it this time :)What is complete happiness for you?When I can feel peaceful, relaxed and just live in the momentWhat suprised you most about your adult life?That I have been as brave as I have, that I have done so many things, travelled so many places and that people see me as a strong person. My life would be easier if?I would not be so hard on myself. A secret thing about youSometimes I think I see or feel ghosts What in your apperance do you like the most?My karisma Unknown talent?I can beat anyone in Tetris The most important question in the world right now?Why people don´t take responsibility of their lives and feelings. If they would, there would be less violence in the world. When do you tell a white lie?At the very rare times when it is needed. Which was your first job?In a icecream kiosk. I was 15 I think. What is the best that can be bought with money?Airpla
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Insomnia 3, Vacation, Travelling
2007-06-11 09:31:00
First of all, there is a difference between travelling and vacation. What we did in Italy was definetly travelling and not having a vacation. The difference is, in my opinion, that when you have a vacation you relax, you do as little as possible and just gather some energy.Travelling
on the other hand is not as relaxing, when travelling you want to see as much as possible, you walk a lot (we walked about 20 km per day) and you don´t do a lot of relaxing just doing nothing. I can´t say that I feel very relaxed after our travels, this not neccessarily being a bad thing, as we have seen so much beautiful places and really taken advantage of our time.The downside is that I have had trouble sleeping as I have been so hyped during the whole week. Last night I probably fell asleep around 4 in the morning. I wasn´t able to relax and just take it cool even if I was already at home. This is a problem I have, whenever there are a lot of things going on I can´t relax and fall asleep. I am actu
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, Vacation
Amazing landing x 2
2007-06-10 15:44:00
I am back!Landing in Italy and landing
in Sweden were two of my most memorable and beautiful landings with an airplane ever, and that is a big deal, considering that I have landed with an airplane probably over a 100 times in my life.Landing in Genova was really amazing, and this is the time when I hope I would be better at writing so that I could describe the beauty in words, but I can´t do more than give it a good try. Why it was so amazing to land in Genova was because the town is situated by the water and in green and lush hills. You could see the small villages scattered around with small little houses and red roofs. When the plane turned you saw the ocean crashing roughly into the high rocks that is protecting Genova. It was just so perfect, it looked like a miniature model from a fairytale, it looked so calm, so peaceful, so perfect....Landing in Stcokholm was also amazing, but in a very different way. There was a heavy rainfall, but only over a small area, and trough that rai
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Soon!
2007-05-31 03:57:00
Sitting in a boring meeting, in a few hours my vacation will start!! :DLove being in Italy(although they have promised a lot of rain, but I have decided that the sun will start shining soon! ;)).More later!..........semester
Next destination: Genova, Italy
2007-05-28 14:44:00
Tomorrow we are leaving for Italy
. I need to start packing and I need to pay my bills...but I get nothing done.... The near future is going to be two days of work and then just vacation, vacation, vacation! :) My boyfriend and I are taking separate flights (Buhuu!) as I get my ticket payed by the company (lucky me!) and he of course needs to fly as cheaply as possible, but we are going to meet up in Italy.The places we are planning to visit are: Pisa, Elba, Florence, Venice and Milan, and I think that will be more than enough for ten days. Mmmhhh....too bad it is so damn expensive to take a ride in the gondola, otherwise I would like doing that.I am SO looking forward going travelling again although the tought that I am running away from my life is making me a bit more unsure of why I am so excited. I guess everybody wants to get away, but I need to learn to enjoy everyday life and routines also. I don´t know, maybe this is something that everybody has a problem with? Gaah! This is no
Weirdo
2007-05-27 04:51:00
Yesterday when we went out dancing with my friends there was this random guy who came and talked with me. I don´t know if he was hitting on me or what he did but here is how the conversation went:Guy: "How tall are you?"I stated how tall I amGuy: "Oh are you that tall? You should work like a model or something....or no, you should work in a circus!"Me: "What?? That is offending."Guy: "Oh no, I did´nt mean it that way, I just meant that you should use your body if you can."I found the whole conversation amusing so I just laughed. Then the guy continues:"I would hit on you, but I am not sure if I am bisexual or gay."At that point my friends want me to go dancing with them, so I do. When I stand at the bar later on the same guy comes up to me and says: "Oh, I did´nt know you are a go-go dancer as well."Don´t know what to say......PS I am not THAT tall...................fest, flört, konstig
Julio Iglesias
2007-05-25 15:33:00
A good friend of mine got free tickets to see a concert with Julio Iglesias
today. It is interesting, because it is a name that I have heard for years and years, but I have never really payed any attention to who his is. Now I know why, it is not really my kind of music, but it was still a very pleasent evening being at the concert.It was an outside concert and we were sitting there enjoying the evening breeze, mostly being a bit immature, giggling, watching the people around us, eating candy and sipping a glass of wine. This was the first night that really felt like summer and once again I just felt this overwhelming happiness of living in Stockholm. We walked by the water back to the city center, smelling the flowers blooming in the night, and just enjoying life.So even if "Hulio" ;) was´nt that mindblowing, he made the evening perfect.Summer nights....here we come! :)..............Julio Iglesias
, sommar, avslappnig
Self Evaluation
2007-05-24 07:50:00
I had to do a self evaluation today, this is for the salary negotiation I am going to have with my boss in the beginning of next week. It felt kind of strange doing it as I already know I am going to get a salary raise, but we need to have a dicussion about how much I will get. There are five different levels in the salarys that I need to take into consideration when scoring myself. I am on the beginners level and I have to score myself according to that. Would I be in a higher level the demands would be higher and my scores lower.It is strange to evaluate yourself as there are so many aspects that needs to be taken into consideration. I think when we evaluate our personality and ouseleves as human beings we hardly ever take into consideration the aspects around us. We just have a generalised picture of how things should be and how we should act. That usually causes problems for ourselves as we make an evaluation based on wrong data.I feel it is hard for me to evaluate myself for the
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Around the World trip
2007-05-22 07:14:00
It feels kind of funny to realize that I have actually been around the world.A few years agon when I was going to Australia to study for half a year I booked my ticket way to late, but I had to get a ticket as I needed to be in Australia when the semester started. The travel agent was sweating as he was trying to find me a ticket, and after an hour he actually had one! It would just take me a bit longer than excpected to reach my destination, more precisely one week!!First I flew to Frankfurt, from Frankfurt to New York, from New York to Los Angeles and there I stayed for two days. The my trip continued from Los Angeles to Fiji, from Fiji to Sydney and there I stayed for three days. Then I was finally able to fly from Sydney to Perth where I was going to stay for half a year.My trip back was way faster. I flew from Sydney to Singapore, stayed there for 12 hours, from Singapore to Frankfurt och from Frankffurt home, it took me only 26 hours.So when looking on the map I have pretty much
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Stupid people
2007-05-21 10:25:00
I get so annoyed at people
who bully the weaker ones. Making another person feel bad to make themselves feel better. When I was a kid I was the weaker one, that is why it is so hard for me to grasp that people see me as a strong person today. I was afraid to go to school and I always felt very lonely. I remember that in periods I felt anxiety just getting up in the morning knowing that I had to go to school.The worst part is that it does not end when you grow up and "get smarter". I have a person who is close to me who is mentally attacked by a person that he does not even know. The person who is bullying is just being a plain ass beliveing that he gets powerful by increasing fear in another person. This person is probably one with some deep issues himself and that is why he punishes other people. Maybe he was the one who was bullyed at school and now he is seeking revenge. God damn it, don´t punish other people for having a fucked up selfesteem, take responsibility and do something a
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Insomnia 2
2007-05-20 11:03:00
My mum was a night drinker. She never really drank during the day, because the days where her sleeping time....You see, she started drinking when I started going out in the night partying with my friends. She claimed that she could not sleep if I was not at home in my bed. So usually when I came home she was sitting alone in the kitchen, in the dark, with a drink in her hand... In the beginning she went to sleep when I came home, but it did not take long until she just kept on sitting there in the dark by herself drinking even if I was safely in my bed...I was usually not able to fall alseep when she was sitting there in the dark by herself, with the bottle as her only company. I waited to hear her going to bed so I could finally relax and fall asleep. Usually she stumbled to bed around three or four o clock in the morning. Before this happend I had usually gone to talk to her maybe three or four times to just ask if she could go to bed and she always said: "soon...." I guess it was my
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World Map
2007-05-19 16:01:00
Create you own worldmapOnly 12% of the world done so far....I guess there will be enough places to travel to for the rest of my life :)..............världskarta, resor, globetrotter
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10 days until Italy
2007-05-19 06:03:00
We are going on a two week trip to Italy
. It is interesting, I have been all around the world but I have not yet been to Italy, so I am really looking forward to it.I feel like I become another person when I go travelling and I guess that is why I like it so much. I feel like I can allow myself to really relax and just enjoy life without feeling anxious about not doing good enough or wahtever. I need to learn to have that feeling at home also. I have been uncertain if I have been running away from myself the last ten years, but I think that is how it is. I have been travelling around the world and never really lived in one place for more than a year without starting to feel like there are ants in my pants.I am trying to get rid of those annoying ants and find the peace in myself in a ordinary life filled with routines. The first step was to move to Stockholm and I have been living here for over a year, and yes, I feel a lot calmer than I usually do after this amount of time. It is a re
Insomnia
2007-05-17 14:11:00
Why does things become a lot worse in the night when you are lying there in the dark trying to sleep? I had a couple of frogs jumping out of mouth the other day to a person at work and she did not appreciate it too much. I always get insecure when I realize I have offended somebody and I also know it is not very wise to make enemies at work especielly as I am trying to do improvement work and need to have everybody with me.But anyway, last night I was laying awake not being able to sleep. I listened to the birds chirping outside but it did´nt make me feel better. I just felt this awful "night anxiety", this awful feeling that makes you think everything is ten time worse than it really is. And it gets even worse if you slumber and are half a sleep and half awake. You then start dreaming about the thing you are thinking about ,and the feeling grows even stronger and makes the thing you are thinking about REALLY terrible.Luckily the morning always comes and after being awake for maybe a
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Feeling good
2007-05-16 08:49:00
Spontanious work related appreciation recived from others, during today and yesterday:1. A person higher than me in the hierachy told me that he thinks it is good that I am trying to get things in place and solve things. He told me to not give up because it is neccessary work that needs to be done.2. One of the bosses wrote me an email saying it was admirable that I have the strength to try to solve all the different things that I am trying to solve and told me I am doing a great job and also told me to not give up.3. One of my co-workers told me that it is because of me he has the strength to carry on with his work and he thinks it is admirable how much I get done.4. My own boss told me that she is very happy with my work. The salary negotiations are in the fall for all employees but she is going to try to arrange a salary negotiation for me before the summer to try to get me a salary rise right now instead.So I guess I can be pretty satisfied and feel good about myself :) Although it
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A Letter to my Dad
2007-05-15 12:31:00
Till PappaIt is maybe about a year ago since I made my last try to try to make you understand how much I miss you and how much I wish that you would be a part of my life. In my mind I have doubts that you really love me because I hardly ever from you, but I am trying to convince myself that I am wrong. People tell me that you smile when I am around and you look proud and happy when you talk about me, but I seem to be blind to that myself. The only thing I feel is tention and fear of me saying the wrong things that would upset your wife.I know you must have had a hellish living with mum during all those years and I know you don´t want to think about it and youd rather just forget. But it feels like you are punishing me for feeling bad. It feels like I am reminding you of the horror you lived trough and that is why you are avoiding me. I feel like it it my fault that you have the pain you have.I guess I could also take the initiative and call you more often, but I can´t bring myself to
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Fashion
2007-05-15 07:09:00
So many people seem to be blogging about fashion and even more people seem to be interested in reading about fashion. I almost feel like a weirdo for not being equally interested in what colour I should wear this summer or what kind of pattern I should have on my nails to be fashionable. Now don´t get me wrong, I do care about how I dress and I would be lying if I would say that I am not aware of fashion at all but I am not interested enough to surround my whole life about it.But I do think fashion is very good interest or hobby for a lot people. You can easily get a lot of information about it, you can create your very own personal standing point, and fashion never stays stagnant, so you don´t get easily bored. In addition to this you can go even further and start studying other countries fashions and create a even more personal opinion about what you like.The more I think about it, the more I understand why people have such a fasciantion for fashion :)..............Mode, skönhet,
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My Mothers Death
2007-05-14 15:28:00
My mother died about four years ago. When it finally happend it was like a relief, but the road to the feeling of relief was not easy.I was travelling in Vietnam with my best friend at that time when I got a call from my dad. At the same time as I got the call I knew that it is about my mum. He told me that she is in the hospital and that I should try to get home earlier. I asked him if it is serious and he starts crying and says yes....I remember thinking: "the time has come, the end is near". My "best friend" got even more upset than I did, but she was upset about our holiday ending earlier and I ended up trying to calm her down... I asked the hotel if I could call home to talk to my mum at the hospital, they allowed me to do it eventhough I did´nt have enough money with me.Before my mum got into the hospital her brains were pretty damaged. It was impossible to have a normal conversation with her as she did not understand what you said to her. I had´nt been too much in contact with
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Love heals all wounds?
2007-05-14 09:46:00
When growing up I felt responsible for my mothers life, for her wellbeing and her drinking. This is not unusual for children to alcoholics, but I think my feeling for responsibility was increased as my mother lived trough me and I was the only life she had. I did not want her to live trough me, I wanted to have my own independent life and that destroyed her...at least that is how I feel.How much can you help a person who is depressed? How much is your responsibility if you have someone close to you who is depressed? None is the intellectual answer, a lot is the emotional answer. If you love somebody, you want that person to be happy, and many times you might think the resposibility is yours to make sure the person feels better.Love does not heal all wounds
but love might help you heal yourself. But you need to have the courage within you to take that journey trough your soul. So I guess the answer to my thoughts (if there really is an answer) is that love the person who has a hard tim
The Angel and the Devil
2007-04-12 02:59:00
The Angel:I asked my boss if we could have a talk and I asked her if she had heard what I had said yesterday, and she HAD`NT! But I still wanted to be straight and just told her that I am feeling a bit pressured from a lot of things and I am not always so diplomatic and I wanted to make sure I had´nt offended her. We ended up having a good talk and it almost felt like we were bonding, so I guess it was a good thing anyway.The Devil
:There is a person that I just use ugly genital words for when I think of her. I feel she has no right to mess with my relationship and no right to exsist whatsoever. I would just like to tell her to f*¤k off and I see blood and feel anger. In my mind I am the devil and a murderer with no mercy............Ex flickvän
Merry Christmas!
2007-06-20 05:22:00
Now I am up in Northern Sweden, I was last time up here for christmas, and it was actually a very pleasent christmas. Christmas
has for as long as I remember been an event that has caused anxiety in me. It is not many years ago when I still dreaded this time of year for months ahead. Why? Well, I have some painful memories from this time and there is so much pressure on this holiday for everything to be perfect and filled with love.So, my top three Christmas evenings:3. I had already moved away from home so I just came home to visit for the day, I took the train home to my apartment around six a clock in the evening, and the rest of the evening I sat there by myself, in my one bedroom apartment, feeling extremly lonely.2. I am mabye about nine years old or something. My aunt and our family used to spend the christmas together, and like always, there was quite a lof alcohol involved. My aunt and my mum got into an argument about the garbage when they left and this argument then continue
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, Merry Christmas
Midsummer in Norrland
2007-06-18 12:32:00
"I think it is too cold to spend the midsummer here in Stockholm, so I will go up to northern Sweden, almost up to the pole circle to see if it is warmer there" Does that sound like a smart comment? That is exactly what I am going to do, but I can´t claim that it is very smart as I am looking for warm weather. Made the decision to go today, booked my ticket, and flying tomorrow :)But when you see the picture belove, you might understand why I want to go up there anyway. It is my BF parents summerplace on the pic, and it sure is a wonderful and beautiful place to be in. I need some peace right now, and I love being up there, watching my BF´s always happy dog running around in the yard and eating sticks until she pukes. :) I am going to take some books with me and I am also going to paint my nude selfportait up there (If you are nice, you might see it here on the blog when it is done ;)I haven´t been much at work lately, but somehow I have still managed to be effective and get quite a
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I WANT TO GO BACK!!
2007-06-26 11:34:00
Back to reality.....and feeling really, really crappy. I feel sad, unsettled, unhappy and uncomfortable. I just want to go back to the peace, safety and silence.I guess this tells you I had an awesome time. Our midsummer was perfect and just as I wanted it to be. We made a "midsommar krans", I cooked a three course meal to my BF´s parents and us, as I wanted my BF´s mum just to be able to enjoy a good dinner without lifting a finger, as she is always the one behind the stove. They were all extremly greatful which made me feel good, I had succeeded in what I wanted to achive.The weather actually turned out to be warmer and sunnier than in Stockholm, which proves I did not make that bad of a choice after all :)I am just having the holiday blues, wanting to be somewhere else than where I am. Longing for the beauty of the nature and the peace that it gives me......I really need to move out of city, into the suburb closer to nature....PS. I got confirmed that I will get a 3300 kr (360€)
Holiday Blues
2007-06-25 09:45:00
I have had an awesome midsummer, the weather actually turned out to be sunnier and warmer than in Stockholm! :) But more about that later.Now I am having the holiday blues, I am mentally preparing myself to go back to work. Luckily it is just for three weeks and then I have three more weeks of vacation. But it is interesting, I love my job, but still, ones I have had the freedom to do what I want for a while, I feel like having to go back to prison when the vacation ends. I dread the routines, the everydady stuff that needs to be done, being back home, sitting in the office the whole day and everything else that is part of your everyday life. I don´t know if everybody feels like this? From what I hear, I think a lot people have the same problem.Maybe we need to change our lives completly? Or change the whole socitey to avoid routines and boring stuff? Create a society where you are on a constant adventure, experiencing new things, challenging yourself, daring yourself, travelling arou
Read more: Holiday
, Blues
My hiding place is gone
2007-07-01 04:30:00
I was told that I need to start learn how to be happy in my everyday life, that I need to stop running and hidining myself in new surroundings and that I need to start facing myself.For the last ten years I have been moving around a lot, I have lived in different cities and different countries and I have not really been able to settle down. I feel happy when I am in new surroundings and when I can focus on what is outside me instead of inside me, and that is why I feel like running again. I have now lived in Stockholm for about one and a half years and I am starting to feel the familiar ants in the pants where I feel I want to move again, and I want to see new places. I have once again started to feel uncomfortable and unhappy when I wake up in the morning and I have started to wonder what my life is all about.At the same time that I long for safety and I want to settle my roots, I freak out whenever I feel that I have stability. Like having a full time job, having a loving relationshi
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