Stonewall
2007-10-08 15:37:00
Today I can´t really write about what I would like to write about.That is why the only thing I will say is:It is hard to be there for a stonewall.
more work...
2007-10-06 09:29:00
I have been pending between panic and exctasy the last few days. Why? Because of my work of course. That also seems to be the only thing I can think about and write about lately and maybe that is the problem?When I am at work and I am doing my tasks it is going well and I feel extatic, when I come home and when it is time to sleep in the night, I feel panic. I know I should not think too much, and I should just do it instead, wthout too much thinking, without too much hesitation, that is when things usually go the best. I think I think so much because I am not sure that I am ready for this challenge, I am not sure I want my work to be that big part of my life...but I guess we will see how this goes, if I can keep my weeks to around 50 hours a week, then it is ok, but if it will exceed that, I think it will definetly affect my lifequality too much.Anyway, this is the problem I have, I am afraid that my job will take control over my life and I don´t want that to happen. But once again,
just....
2007-10-05 12:21:00
My mum definetly thought me the most valuable lesson I have ever gotten. She showed me how to NOT live my life, what to NOT do to become unhappy.Anyway, I am finally starting to realx after this hectic week. I am sitting on my sofa, under a dowblanket. I have watched TV for an hour and been eating some candy and potatoe chips and just pampered myself with whatever I want. Soon I will take a nice and warm bubblebath to really start the weekend, and later on I´ll watch a movie.Tonight it is MY evening and that feels SOO good.Later!
Quiet
2007-10-15 15:17:00
It has been quiet on my blog for a while. Mostly because I have had a lot to do but also because I haven´t felt the need to write. I feel that my blog at this point has fulfilled most of its purpose. I am not saying that I am going to stop writing or that this will be the end of my blog, but it kind of feels like I have been on the top of the hill and now I am slowly moving on to next one.My main purpose with my blog was to be heard, and that need has been fulfilled (thank you all who has read my story so far!)Anyway, life has been busy, with the new job, guests from Germany visiting during the weekend, workout, relationship and friends.But I´ll keep on posting, my "project" won´t be done until the end of the year anyway :)
Read more: Quiet
2007-10-23 15:26:00
Stillness....softness....serenity.A warm bubblebath, a warm cup of tea, me.Learning to dance, learning to express myself with my body.Growing in my work, getting better.Loving the one that loves me.Life, up and down...down and up..
A letter to my long lost mum
2007-10-22 12:22:00
Dear Mum,It is quite many years since we have seen eachother, and even longer since we have really talked to eachother. Sometimes I still miss you, or I miss the mum that I wish you would have been. I know that you really loved me, but it was a twisted love you gave me. The greatest fear of yours was that I would stand on my own two feet and that I would not need you anymore. I stopped needing you long before you realized it, but I kept on dancing the dance of dependency, because that was the only dance I knew.I still wish that I could really get to know you, that I could learn you desires, learn what made you happy, learn what made you sad, learn what you were afraid of, and learn who you really were. I ask people about you, but it seems like nobody really knew you, nobody really understood you ,except for your own mum, you two were really close.I still carry your pain with me, Is it you who doesn´t want to let go, or is it me? In so many ways I feel like the only thing I have left o
why?
2007-10-28 15:20:00
My Love (yes, he is still my love) is so closed up in himself that he is impossible to reach.He twists and turns my words into something that I don´t mean, and I don´t know how to reach him. I feel like whatever I say, it is wrong. I feel like there is no way of me to get him to hear me.He feels like I judge him and dont accept him as he is, that is wrong! I accept him as he is, but his sickness makes him destuctive, and it is destructive for me and our relationship. That is not always so easy to handle.He says he is the one who has been there for me, and I have not been there for him. Who was it then that have been there massaging his fingers and head to make him feel better when he wanted to die? Who has cooked him dinners every weekend just so that he would eat something. Who has paid for a trip to Amsterdam for his birthday? Who has told him he is the best in the world and that he is so much more than his decease? Who has hugged him when he has cried and said he doesnt want to li
2007-10-28 05:29:00
.Love and Hate, so close to eachother, so similar?My Love is gone, his shoes no longer by my door.....
2007-10-27 13:31:00
lovePAINsadnessPAINlonelinessPAINheartbreakPAINdarknessPAIN.
travel on the inside
2007-10-27 03:48:00
It is so easy for me to loose myself in people or the surroundings around me. Is that my biggest problem? Or in other words, is that the key to becoming a more whole person?
Read more: inside
everybody? hurts
2007-10-26 16:13:00
I have been having a sad day today. It has been one of those days when nothing can make you happy and everything feels overwhelming.I have realized that I am creating my childhood over and over again in the intimate relationship I am in. I have realized that I am creating my own misery, a misery that is coming from within and that has nothing to do with the outside world. I am creating everything that I KNOW my mum did wrong, I am regressing to the child I was (not always, but way too often).I doubt that the people around me can really see this pain. Most likely I am not showing too much of it superficially. Right now I think it is only my love and my therapist that has seen this side. Still....I don´t think that even my love even really understands. How can he? I am the only one that can understand and that makes me feel lonely.Anyway, I have been trying to cheer myself up by thinking about my winter vacation. Unfortunately my boyfriend wont be able to join me, so I will be travellin
Devil vs Angel??
2007-10-25 14:28:00
It is interesting how you can be your own worst enemy.We had a workshop with a project today, and afterwards we went out for dinner and to shoot some pool. Suddenly I just got into my head, that no, NOW I have to go home, and I went home. Even before I had stepped out from the poolhall I regretted my decision, as I would have wanted to stay longer and shoot some more pool. But I could not turn around as I had already said bye to everybody. I have been upset at myself for quite a while after this, although now I don´t really care about my decision.I just can´t understand how I can want two opposite things at the same time?
Read more: Devil
Suffering
2007-11-01 13:00:00
I suffer because I don´t want to loose you,I suffer because I want you to be ok.I suffer because I can´t find a solution,I suffer because you don´t belive in my love for you.I suffer because you suffer,I suffer because I love you so much.I suffer because I can´t save you,I suffer because I am not enough.I suffer because of the dream of a future were we both are happy,I suffer because I am afraid....
Read more: Suffering
I think I discovered my recipie
2007-10-31 14:50:00
I think
I have discovered my recipie to heal.suitable amount of doses of Al-Anon (of course I need to go to one first to see if it is worth it) for learning that I am not alone in the world and there are other people who understand me and what I have been trough.1 dose of sorgearbete (The Grief recovery Institute) to let go of my mother.Allow yourself to mourn, remember to enjoy life at the same time and discover yourself. Bake yourself in warm weather (but don´t burn yourself) and allow your self too cool off and stabilize and the Pifflan bun is done! ;)
2007-10-31 13:16:00
separation anxiety....
2007-10-31 04:08:00
First of all, BJ, thanks for your comment. You get where I am coming from...My BF and I have talked, and cried, cried and talked. We are now trying to get some distance from eachother, and we are not going to see eachother for a couple of weeks, but we are going to keep in contact.I have some issues within myself that I need to clarify. I need to understand my past and which emotions are from the past and which emotions are from the present. I need to understand my limits and my own needs.I need to settle in myself.
Co-Dependency
2007-10-30 06:30:00
Me...the most important person in my life?I have decided that I am going to go to my first Al-Anon meeting (meeting for grown children to alcoholics) and see what I can get out from it.The text belove describes how it can be to grow up in a family with alcoholism and how it can affect the child.Why Be Codependent?by Dr. Irene MatiatosWhy would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they received very good training early in life.Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior. Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care take, the c
White eyelashes
2007-10-29 03:12:00
I have cried so much that the salt of my tears has created a white layer on my eyelashes.I can´t sleep, I can´t eat, I feel like puking and I feel like crying all the time....
Read more: White
2007-11-06 15:19:00
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel
2007-11-05 14:02:00
I need to learn to trust myself.
Confusing what is real..
2007-11-04 05:40:00
crawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusingthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/I can't seemto find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)I've felt this way beforeso insecure
Read more: Confusing
Alcoholism and Co-dependency
2007-11-04 02:04:00
One of the biggest reason that the person around the alcoholic becomes co-dependent is because the alcoholics usually have a very strong tendency to blame all of their problems on the ones around them. "You made me feel bad, now it is your fault that I am going to drink", "You are selfish, it is your fault I drink", "No, I am not the one with a problem, YOU are", "You were not there for me, that is why I drink", etc.Denial is the sister to co-dependency
. The person living with one with the sickness wants more than anything for the person to open her or his eyes so that he or she can see her/his own problems and maybe take some action into solving them. When the denial in the sick person stays strong, the other person might start doubting her or himself, maybe the alcoholic is right? Maybe it is me? Maybe it actually is my fault? Maybe if I change myself I can get him/her to stop drinking? At that point you have given yourself powers that you don´t have. You have taken a responsibilit
Read more: Alcoholism
First Al-Anon meeting
2007-11-02 14:29:00
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting
.....I got a shock. I was overwhelmed with feelings of panic, anxiety and fear. There were quite a few times when I thought, No, I can´t stand this anymore, I have to leave. I felt like I did not belong there and right now everything feels so surreal.I am still in shock, this was not what I had excpected. I imagined me sitting there, calmly listening to others, feeling a serenity for not being alone anymore, but instead, I wanted to run away. I guess it was all those repressed feelings coming up to the surface. I was back in the past, and back in the sickness of alcoholism and co-dependecy. We were a few people who were new and one of the girls who was new left in the middle of everything, I wonder if she felt the same panic as I did...?Still, I know theese feelings has always been there. I have felt them in relationships when I have felt afraid of abandonment or not being good enough. I have mixed up those feelings quite a lot with the present feeli
Read more: First
Good sides
2007-11-11 06:54:00
I beat on myself alot. I tell myself why I am no good. I take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. I always think about how I can improve myself some more. I always think that my partner is better than me. Why?I am a considerate person who always think about other people.I know there are two in a relationship, I am not the only one to blame.I know I am not perfect and I am willing to work on myselfI am a good cookI follow my own way instead of the societysI can enjoy my own companyIf I make a mistake, I take the responsibility and try to make sure I won´t do it againI am quite generous if I can beI know that the free things in life are the things that are most preciousI am adventerous and braveI am honest to myself and othersI am openminded and try to accept all people as they areMy intentions are always good, I never(I can get irritated and then have som negative thoughts) think in a mean and evil waySo there...I am also allowed to say good things about myself! D
My role
2007-11-10 03:26:00
I have a role, as a guilt tripper. This is the role I learned in my childhood.When I was a kid my mum never wanted me to be independent and she did not allow me to have a identety of my own. In order to keep me dependent on her, she made sure I would identify with her the same way as she identified her self trough me, or more accurately, lived trough me. She was very good at making me feel guilty, guilty for not being there enough, guilty for not loving her enough, guilty for not being open enough, guilty for not talking enough with her and so on.As I did not have a strong identity, theese guilt trips became my identity, and as I did not learn how to be independent, I did not see that we were two people in the relationship between me and my mum, I just saw one and that was a weird symbiosis of me and my mum, we became one. I did not realize that it was a sick symbiosis we lived in, me and her. I thought that I was spared from all her troubles, and that I was a wall that could stand aga
Tripple soulsearching
2007-11-09 14:59:00
What an exhausting evening this has been...talk about soulsearching...First, I went to see my therapist, and we talked quite a lot about how my past is affecting my present, and how I have adapted thought patterns that are destructive for me. It was hard and I don´t know how I am going to change myself...Then I went to a Al-Anon meeting, there I feel I can learn about acceptance, and that I am not alone in the world. There are other people who have grown up with alcoholics and they have adapted much of the same behaviours as I have.When I came home I talked to a very good friend of mine, who also grew up with an acloholic parent and more tears streamed down my cheeks.Now I just feel alone and empty. I feel lost in myself, but still I know I need to go trough this to know where I stand. I think about my bf all the time, we have not had contact at all now for three days I think, it is difficult and weird and it is constantly making me sad.....but day by day...that is how I live right no
Jokela shooting
2007-11-08 15:02:00
For the eight people that died in the terrible massacre in Jokela.Can´t belive that this has happend in my homecountry...
Read more: shooting
I feel
2007-11-08 10:54:00
I feel the tears behind my eyes, but they are not runningI feel that pain in my chest, and it is not disappearingI feel the coldness in my stomach, and it is making me feel sickI feel the sadness in my head, and it is bringing me downI feel everything I don´t want to feel.
helpless
2007-11-07 14:31:00
I have no power, no power whatsoever on another persons life. I hardly have power over my own life. As I know this, why is then so hard to stand by a persons side who cannot see anything good in his life? Why do I still wish that I would have powers that I don´t have? Why do I find it so unfair that I cannot make a wish, a wish for a person to be happy, and knowing that the wish would come true?I feel so helpless, and the feeling of helplessness destroys me, it breaks me down bit by bit, saying that if you are not a superhuman, if you cannot change this persons life, then you are unworthy.Isnt there anything I can do? Can´t I do some magic?No....I am just a dot....a small dot on a white paper, hardly noticable, uncapable of having any meaning.
Loving yourself...?
2007-11-15 13:19:00
I have had an urge to write a post, and I don´t know why... Maybe it is because I have so many thoughts, memories and feelings flying around in my head.I have been thinking about the last year and a half and the person who has been closest to me. There is a lot of feelings of love surrounding that person...I have been thinking about my work, and how you have to be really good with people in order to succeed. How everybody can´t like you but you still need to find a way to get along with everybody.I have been thinking about life and how I am growing and changing all the time. How I am getting closer and closer to the serenity I want to feel in my life, and how much I affect my own feelings.I have been thinking about acceptance and what acceptance brings into you life. Acceptance is not the same as surrendering and I think that is not always so easy to understand.I can´t really explain in words what I feel right now. But I will add a song from my past. This song is not linked to any p
Read more: Loving
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