Shoes
2007-08-29 15:33:00
I have never been a shoe person, although that trait seems to be increasing with age. :)Today I was sitting and waiting for the subway and I started looking at peoples shoes without looking at anything else. It was actually extremely interesting, because so many times I felt like the shoes did not fit the person who was wearing them or the oufit they where wearing.I saw a pair of shoes and thought it was a young hip person, then I looked at the outfit and I got a bit more uncertain about the person, and as I saw the face it was not at all somebody who I imagined for those shoes. It felt like the shoes had their own lives, and maybe it is true that the shoes tells a lot about a person?I don´t think I actually ever before have looked at people from the bottom up, and just finding personalities in the shoes. It was interesting and a new experience for me :)
More about routine...
2007-08-28 13:51:00
I am going to continue a bit on the topic routines. Yesterday I started to excersise again. I have had a summer "vacation"(the truth is I have been lazy) of three months and it felt SO good to do something with my body again. I did the dance aerobics class and it was so much fun. On thursday I will probably go and do some funk. So, I want to create another routine, do dance aerobics on mondays and funk on thursdays (I tried to this last year but for some reason it did´nt quite become a routine), or at least excersise twice a week. It is amazing how much more energy you get from getting a bit sweaty on a regular basis. And I do need some more energy, now I am more a couch potatoe than human....And one more routine that I might want to create. I would like to take a warm bubblebath and have a glass of wine on every friday evening, just to help me get into the weekendmood faster.Lets see how it goes :)
Symbiosis
2007-09-22 03:59:00
NOTE: This topic is still confusing for me, and I am not sure I was able to write my thoughts down very clearly. It is a very personal text, and it might be hard to understand for an outside person. This text is just a part of my process to try to understand myself.I have been a bit naive...I had this image in my head where I was a stonewall as a teenager, having a rough time living with my alcoholic mother, but not letting her get under my skin. I had an image in my head that my personality was not affected by my mother and that now as a grown up, I just have some moorning and accepting to do, nothing else. WRONG!My mother was extremly controlling and she had a very unhealthy way of showing love. I was everything to her, and she constantly kept clinging on to me, she could not let me be free mentally, even if I was more free than ever physically. She kept on blaiming me, for years and years, that I was not close enough with her, that I was´nt talking enough with her, that she wante
Sleeping
2007-09-21 05:23:00
Sleeping...I have problems with falling asleep nowadays, unless it is dark, extremely quiet and cold in the room. I also wake up very easily during the night.When I was a kid, I was not able to sleep until my mum had gone to bed. I used to listen to every sound I heard behind my closed bedroom door. (I have written about this before, but I need to write about it again to figure out why I still am so sensitive for noises when I am about to sleep) She was hardly ever very noisy, but I used to hear every little step she made, and I even learned to hear on the sounds how drunk she was. I could hear it on the way she pored her a drink, in the way she opened a bottle, in the way she sat down on the couch, in the way she opened the cabin doors. These are the sounds that I listened after and with the door closed, it was definitely no high sounds we are talking about.I used to get up maybe two or three times and ask her to come to bed, and she usually stumbled into bed around 3 or 4am, then I c
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I´m still standing!
2007-09-19 14:21:00
I went to my dance class today again. We danced to the old Elton John song "I´m still standing". That song means so much to me. I know it is about a broken heart, but for me, the song has always been about still standing in life and being a winner in life despite everything. For me it is a very powerful song, and it was perfect to dance to it today. I am amazed how my life is at the moment, with the possible promotion, my love, my friends, my home, everything!I am just so happy that I am still standing, and not just standing, I am dancing! :)PS. check out the hilarious video from the 80`s :)"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever didLooking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid! "
Maybe, maybe....
2007-09-19 03:36:00
“I am so excited, and I just can’t hide it, I am about to loose control and I think I like it!” :)Sometimes work can be so fun. :) I have wanted to have a promotion to move to another position for quite a while, and I actually have known that this is the position I want, ever since I started working here. Today my new boss came and talked to me, and told me that she needs me to help her to put out an ad for my current position, and that as soon as we have a new person here, I will get a promotion! :)I will be handling projects in this global company I am working in, worth nine figured numbers in euros, it is scary, but it is exciting! I can’t believe that this might actually be happening, and I don’t want to scream Yippee before everything is set, but I still need to let out a small YAY, right now, but I don’t want to jinx everything....so let’s keep it cool..... ;)
Virgin school
2007-09-18 05:44:00
Yesterday I watched a documentary on TV about a Virgin
School. I was chocked that such a thing exists, but when I heard it is located in Amsterdam I was not as surprised. When we visited Amsterdam in the spring, we did of course also visit the red light district and let me tell you, the people in Amsterdam defiantly has a very different approach to sex than we have, and they are WAY more liberal than we are.Anyway, I tried to watch the documentary with an open mind, and yes, it is probably good that a man can learn to face his fears about sex and get a chance to loose his virginity if he wants. Yes, I guess it is good that the women doing it are warm women that make him feel comfortable. But I think most of the people watching the documentary did find it a bit repulsive and probably quite a few started thinking about incest and got very uncomfortable watching it.I guess I am writing this post in order to try to sort out my own thoughts about the documentary, but it is really hard. I c
Palm reading
2007-09-17 06:56:00
Yesterday evening me and my BF where cuddled up on my bed and where just feeling cozy together. Suddenly he got the idea to start doing palm reading on each other. We got the instructions on how the read palms from a book that I have with a lot of short and random information about everything.Some of the stuff where accurate and some a bit less accurate, but apparently we are both going to die a sudden death for example (AIKS!!). Anyway, that was not the most interesting part of the palm reading. Apparently the left hand is supposed to show you your past and the right hand your future. My left hand showed me bad luck and a short life, while my right hand shows me the opposite!! Even if I don’t believe in this stuff so much, I still find it symbolic that this is what my hands are telling me about my life. Now I feel like I have proof, or something, (or whatever) that even if you get a rough start in life, it can still turn out well in the future. :)I am not the kind of person that be
Flying high
2007-09-16 14:09:00
(picture copied from www.liveit.se)My friends arriving at midnight was a good beginning for saturday. We sat up until 3am and drank red wine, ate good cheeses and just talked until we were so tired that we had to go to bed.On saturday we spent the whole day shopping which also was very pleasent for that day and I bought som new stuff that I feel are kind of Parisian style during the fifties. The evening was still even more relaxing, with a movie, some more wine and potatoe chips. My boyfriends dog was our little princess during the evening and she kept us entertained. :)I also got another birthday gift, from my friends from back home, a tandem flight from Live it!! I am a little bit scared of doing it, but at the same time I feel that it is time to challenge myself again, so I am going to do it....:) Let´s see if the weather will be good enough to fly during this part of the year or if I will have to wait until the spring. I am excited abo
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My blog personality
2007-09-14 15:54:00
I had a nap and now I am feeling a bit better. This should not even be a "one of those days" as my cousin and an old childhoodfriend are coming to visit me from Finland today. But they are arriving closer to midnight, so they will start the better day of tomorrow. :)I have had a discussion the last few days with a couple of people about if my blog shows who I really am. For the ones that doesn´t know me I can say partly yes and partly no. I am writing quite a lot about the negative stuff, that is not something I talk as much about, my blog is my place to vent the negative memories and feelings in. My blog does not really show the "grown up me", my personality or how I interact from day to day with people. But my blog is showing a lot more of the inner child, trying to find her place in the world. The grown up part of me is partly shining trough in my blog, but not that strongly, and that is a choice I have made for my blog. Maybe the grown up part will take a bigger place in the blo
One of those days
2007-09-14 13:11:00
This has been one of those days that everything feels ten times worse than it really is. One of those days when you have no energy and it feels like a challenge to move the mouse to the computer when surfing on the internet. One of those days when it is raining outside and you know that the fall is here, and you feel the cold wind blowing those raindrops in your face. One of those days when you seem to start arguing with the ones you love because you feel it is such a frustrating day. One of those days....
Some more thoughts about closure.
2007-09-12 09:50:00
I have to say that I have a really hard time to accept that I might never get a real closure. I wanted to wash up my dirty laundry, my dirty hands and my dirty body and just go on as clean and spotless, without the ugly, dirty past. I understand now that my wants has not been realistic. Some of the stains will always be there and I have to accept that on my favourite white summerdress, there will always be a stain on the chest, I can never get rid of it. I might get a scarf that will cover the stain from other peoples eyes, but I will always see it myself.I guess the stains gets smaller and lighter by time, and that is a relief, but I am still grieving not having a spotless body and soul. It is a question of acceptance, I know that. I want to get to the point where I feel that acceptance, I just need to find the road that leads me there....
Read more: thoughts
Humanity
2007-09-11 09:38:00
Humanity, a forgotten trait?The care for depressed and mentally ill people has been heavily criticized here in Sweden. A lot of people do not get the help they need. A couple of months ago I saw a documentary about some young women who were depressed and they were talking about how they had been trying to get help, but just got the cold hand. The only way they could get help was by attempting suicide. I can’t even start to explain how terrible that documentary made me feel.Lately I have been involved in a discussion where we are talking and partly deciding about a person’s wellbeing and future. The outcome of the discussion will depended on the determining person’s willingness to help, willingness to make an effort and willingness to not choose the easy way just because her strength after many years of fighting against byrocracy might be gone. But will she remember that it is still a living human being that needs help that she is making decision on? Or has the humanity she once h
nothing
2007-09-10 15:28:00
I was laying here on my couch, cuddled up in a corner and just feeling relaxed after the dance aerobics today. I was going to write a nice post about today and the reflections and thoughts I have had today, but then blogger stopped co-operating with me, and my inspiration disappeared.Anyway, the learning from today is that people are usually very co-operative as long everybody are striving for a win-win situation.Over and out.
Closure?
2007-09-08 06:06:00
I am reading this book called "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr Laura Schlessinger as a part of my personal project to let go of the past. There are a lot of good things in the book and I would like to quote something from the book that is about closure:"Although some people would define closure as getting a "I am sorry, I was wrong" from the offendig party, closure for me is defined as the decision to stop obsessing about my childhood and expecting something to happen to make everything better."The book is also talking a lot about that no matter what circumstances you came from or currently live in, you are ultimately responsible for how you react to them. I feel like I am taking responsibility, and I have actually built up a pretty good life despite my past. What I however noticed is that I do wait for closure in form of an apology or whatever to just make everything better. This is the part I need to work on, I need to learn to move on and realize that moving on is going to be my clo
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Ashamed
2007-09-07 14:53:00
I realized something today. I am still ashamed of my past. Yesterday I gave my blogadress to a couple of my relatives and that is why I panicked. Without knowing it I felt like now all the whispers are going to start about that weird girl. The talk about the awful things that she writes about and how shameful it is. The weird looks the next time I see them and maybe they will not want to talk to me.Intellectualy I know (or at least almost) that this is not true, but I still define myself from my past. I still see myself as the past.I have been crying in my BF´s arms tonight and it just helps to feel the sorrow for the past, to feel the sorrow for the child that did not understand what was going on in the world. I was able to cry and feel that sorrow with his arms around me. One more step on the way....
Blogging, 21st century version of group therapy?
2007-09-07 06:57:00
The last few days I have felt such a strong feeling of relief for having my blog and my blogfriends who support me. I started thinking about the background in blogging and about when it all started. Rebecca Blood has written an interesting article about the history of blogs. Did you for example know in 1998 there were just a handful of sites of the type that are now identified as weblogs (so named by Jorn Barger in December 1997)? Rebecca Blood also talk in her article about how she started valuing her own point of views more by blogging.Another interesting point she has, is how bloggers get engaged in eachothers lives, and get strength and improved selfesteem from being heard and having an honest interactive disussion about their lives with other bloggers.As said in an article by abcnews: Blogging
is a 21st century version
of group therapy. I definetly find blogging as part of my therapy to heal and I can definetly say that it is helping me. So many times, people feel alone in their t
"Finally you are taking care of yourself"
2007-09-06 09:03:00
Lilltanten wrote a comment to me that really caught me unguarded. She wrote a lot of good things about my last post, but one part of it really got me to stop and rethink. Roughly translated she said: " I would not say that you are selfish, in what you do, I would rather see it is as maturity and consideration. Finally
you are taking care of yourself" It took me quite a while to really suck in what she said. In my mind I am very selfish for writing all this stuff in my blog. I feel selfish for just talking about me and about things that has been and how those things has affected me. The last post was for me very selfish and I still feel that it should erase it in consideration for my dad (who by the way does not drink at all anymore) and because it is a memory that should not exsist and I don´t have the right to feel anything about.But I don´t want to pretend that everything has been ok in the past anymore. I want to do what Lilltanten said, show maturity and consideration to MYSELF.
The horrible memory
2007-09-04 14:15:00
I guess it is time to write about the memory that I have been avoiding, it even beats "the wedding"I was maybe 14 of 15 years old....It was a saturday night and my mum and dad was out for the evening. I was also out but came home around 1am and my parents were still not at home. Like always I could not sleep because they were not safely in their beds. Around 4am I hear my dad coming home. He is drunker than I have maybe ever seen him. I ask him where mum is, and he just starts crying and says he doesn´t know. He goes out on the balcony and sits there crying. I am starting to panic and I start to get dressed because I figure I have to go out and look for her, but at the same time I don´t want to leave my dad alone.Then the doorbell rings, I open the door and there is my mum with our neighbours who are also extremely drunk. She can not stand neither walk. She stumbles in and is hanging on the coats in the hall to keep standing. Then my dad comes in from the balcony and before I know it
8 things
2007-09-03 14:37:00
My bloggfriend Lilltanten sent me a challenge to tell 8 things
you don´t yet know about me, so let´s see...1.Well, first of all most of the facts can be found in my post "I am a survivor". (I don´t know too many other people that have a hole in their head for example) So that can be the number one fact.2.When I get really upset I beat up my bed and scream into my pillow3.During the weekends I quite often eat chocolate for breakfast :)4.I grew up in a small town with 10.000 people. When I was a kid, I seriously belived that the town was the capital of Finland :)5. I am afraid of ghosts and spirits. Last night for example I woke up in the middle of the night and I was certain I was not alone and I kept hearing noices in the apartment all the time. I lied awake for more than an hour. Today I spoke with one of my workmates who told about a friend of hers that have had an even more horrific experience. She was alone in her boyfriends house and suddenly she heard the door into the house o
My 30:th birthday
2007-09-02 04:09:00
Not taking into consideration one minor incident, my birthday was awesome! First of all, have you ever seen this big of a birthday bouqet of flowers before? I got 30 flowers for my 30th birthday from my BF. And if it is not obvious in the picture, I can tell you that we had to use my laundrybasket as a vase because they would not fit anywhere else. :)The day was spent with my relatives who where here over the day from Finland. We had a very pleasent day with strolling around in the city, sitting in Kungsträdgården and just enjoying the last of the sun and then going back to my place for som eating and drinking. Even my amazing 85 year old grandmother came along, although she was very tired which is understandable.During the whole day I was wearing my wonderful knitted witner dress that I bought for my birthday, I like the dress more and more.In the evening all the other guests arrived and I have to say that 25 people in 30m2 makes the furniture and floor to disappear, you just saw p
Low selfesteem
2007-09-28 15:24:00
Today has not been a very good day.First of all, my Love is being threatend by this psycho, and I wish I could do something to help him, but I can´t. I wish I could make the psycho go away, but I can´t.Second of all, the last few days I have been working my ass off to clean up other peoples messes and mistakes to be able to hold an extremly tight deadline. I have been doing my own tasks while trying to set evrything else right with information that I have gotten way past the deadline. Around 4pm today I got an angry call that one of my own responsibilities was done in the wrong way, and I was told that I needed to straight it up right away. I felt like crying, and I felt really upset, but I corrected my mistake.After this I just felt worhtless. I know that everybody has a lot to, and quite a few people don´t know the processes because they are new, so they make mistakes. I also know that many people consider this the normal way of working, and I know many has way more stress than I
Project!
2007-09-27 13:48:00
I got my own multimillion kronor worth project!! :)I feel quite confident about it as one of my co-workers, who I admire the most of the projectmanagers will be my mentor. I definetly want to be as good as him (although I will never be as smart ;)) I don´t know yet when I will start the project, but I think it will be next week.Tomorrow we are also going to see Circue du Soleil with my Love, I am REALLY looking forward to that although I got a bit afraid that I will get disappointed. I read that the focus will not be on acrobatics but on the music in this piece...but we´ll see, I have never seen Circue du Soleil before, so I think it will be good :)(Picture taken from http://www.cirquedusoleil.com)
Read more: Project
Baggage
2007-09-26 14:13:00
I started thinking about this post in the morning. It was the inner child talking, telling me that I am crap, that I scare off everybody I have a relationship with, that I am too jealous, that nobody can seriously love me, and everybody are just pretending that they like me. Sometimes, I am so caught up in this emotion that I really belive it is true, and when I am there, it is very hard to reach me.I caught myself damaging my relationship with my Love yesterday. I got jealous of something I had created in my own head and my Love was completly innocent, but still I blamed him for something that was just in my head. About 15 min after it had happend I realized what I had done, I just wish that I could catch myself before I get sucked into the emotion, and before I damage what I value so high.This is what I hate the most about having been wrongly programmed when growing up. It is still affecting me, and maybe it will affect me my whole life. I hate that I have to struggle to break patter
Read more: Baggage
Life Script
2007-09-25 15:31:00
Belove is an interesting text that I got sent to me from a friend of mine. It is about lifescripts, how we define roles for ourselves, and get scared when we are not playing our role....how does your lifescript look like?How fixed beliefs define our roles:Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragiccharacter or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?Why scripts are dangerous:Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to tu
Nothing interesting
2007-09-24 14:39:00
I am sooo tired. This was a good weekend, but it made me tired.On saturday evening my friend had a birthday party. It was nice hanging out there with all her gay friends :) Later in the evening we went out dancing and that was so much fun! I did nothing else besides danced and let me tell you, I was not dry when I went home. I was so sweaty that it looked like a drowned cat! But it was worth it, dancing out all the negative energy.On sunday evening me and the birthday girl went to see the swedish comedian Jonas Gardell. I really liked the show, although I thought that the one I saw a couple of years was better, but we still got a good laugh :) (picture taken from www.sundsvall.nu)
Read more: Nothing
, interesting
Priorities
2007-10-03 13:49:00
I have been so busy the last few days that I have hardly had time to read emails or blogs. Today after a quite hectic day at work, after vacuuming and while doing the laundry I finally had time to visit my blogfriends and just sit down and think.It is VERY exciting at work right now, and I LOVE the tasks I have to do. Project management is definetly my thing, lets just hope I will do it well. The downside is that I have not had any time for my friends and I think my BF might feel a bit neglected. There are quite a few people in the project office that have families and it is crazy to hear how they live their lives. They sit up and work until 2 in the morning because they need to take care of their kids in the evening, and then they get up at 7 o´clock the next morning again. I don´t think I could do that...I find it hard enough to have enough energy for work as it is....maybe this is a job I will only do right now, for a couple of years, and then I need to do something else when and
Here we go...
2007-10-01 14:58:00
Today my low selesteem is GONE! It was officially announced to the organization that I am going to be the total project manager for this project, and I am SO excited to start running MY project :) I know there will be bumps in the road, but I am visioning success and I think it will turn out ok.The real deal starts tomorrow!I also want to share the song "Learning to fly" by the genious Pink Floyd. It represents my life..." There's no sensation to compare with thisSuspended animation, a state of blissCan't keep my mind from the circling skiesTongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I"
Mum, Dad, Me, Apologies....
2007-09-29 04:01:00
When my mum was still alive (but at that point already really sick) she had a sane moment which I maybe did not give her enough credit for. I remember that I was so shocked with her selfawarness and her sincere words that I did not know what to say, and today I feel a little bit bad about that. She said: "I know I haven´t been the best mum to you. I realize that by being extremly controlling and telling you what to do, all from what socks to wear to how to behave, I have been hurting your selfesteem. I am sorry about that, but I just wanted what was best for you, but now I have realized that what I did was wrong." When whe told me that, I said nothing and just walked away, like they always did to me....The days before she died she was very hostile against me, and she did not hear me when I said I loved her for the first time. I have been stuck with that emotion and felt like we did not get a closure. But I haven´t remembered the apology I just wrote about....maybe that is the memory
2007-10-09 15:15:00
Will I ever be enough?
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