Owner: A creature from this world? URL:http://acreaturefromthisworld.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2007 13:29:24 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: A woman living in Stockholm blogging about her life. She is also thinking about how it has affected her that her mother was an alcoholic. Her biggest passion is to travel and more about that you can read in the blog. Site statistics:Click here
Nightmare 2 2007-07-27 02:20:00 I had a nightmare last night. I was dreaming that I was in my childhood town and I was hanging out with my family. The feeling in the dream was horrible. First I am let down by my dad in the same way as I was in reality, I feel the same feelings of confusion, sadness and unisgnificanse, but then the dream continues. In my dream my mum is alive, although she is way more beautiful and younger, she does not even look like herself. My BF is also around and we have an argument and I start thinking about his ex, Bianca. My mum apperantly reminds him of his ex and he says that she behaves exactly like her and he asks why I can´t behave in the same way? I feel that something is wrong but I cannot put my finger on it. I go back to visit with my friends and dont think about it. Then I give him a call, and while I am talking to him I am walking into his bedroom, and while I am walking I see him and my mum on his bed, snuggled up together, and I ask him if he is choosing my mum and he says yes.I Read more:Nightmare
Feeling better 2007-07-26 03:58:00 I am feeling better
, I am becoming myself......going to Helsinki today and home to Stockholm tomorrow... Read more:Feeling
Change 2007-07-26 02:29:00 I change a lot when I go to my childhood town. My BF pointed it out to me already a year ago and I did not see it then, but now I actually think he is right....It is almost like I am scared of going to my childhood town, so even before I am there I start building up my fences around me. I feel more sad, more insecure, more catious. The people that know me back in Stockholm would probably not belive their eyes if they would be me in my childhood town. Most of them see me as this strong, secure and happy person that can survive anything.So this time being back in Finland, has really forced me to start seeing my destructive patterns that I have. I get into the "martyr mode" where I am hard to reach and I am really hard on myself and I feel like there is nothing likeable in me. It is hard when I feel like this because I still don´t know a way out of it. It helps that my BF points it out to me, because I become more aware of it, but I still need to find the tools to change it.My biggest ch Read more:Change
Html code 2007-07-30 07:23:00 The weather is crappy outside, so I started playing with the html code on my blog. I still need to create a better header and yes I know, the blog does not look that great right now,not even close to it, but have patience, it will get better :)
Stay 2007-07-28 11:29:00 Sometimes you just want to fly away,but you stay,because you want everything to be ok...
Brain 2007-08-02 03:43:00 Somebody poking in your damaged brain,might cause you to think:"you are insane". Read more:Brain
html coding 2007-07-31 03:35:00 Becoming a bit better....Still more work to do... Apperantly it does not look as good on other computers as mine....need to investigate...
My hated bubble 2007-08-04 16:27:00 In my bubble I am safe.I am safe from everybody else besides myself.In my bubble I fight my inner war,which makes me hurt even more.My bubble is destructive,and I hate that it is so seductive.......
Communication 3 2007-08-03 10:36:00 Another step forward....I got to understand myself a bit better again today.As I have written before I become this "martyr" when I feel betrayed and not listened to. I now understand why I have developed that technique for myself and why I sometimes have such a hard time to express how I feel to my Love.As a teenager I never felt that my emotions and how I felt did really matter, that is why I started accusing because I felt so betrayed for not being seen. Of course the accusing did not help either. I felt that both my parents were like stonewalls, I was screaming, shouting and crying but never did anybody come and explain things to me , talk to me or support me or just simply tell me they loved me. I always felt worthless, and what else would I feel when both my parents probably were unsatisfied with their lives. How could they possibly then make me feel like I was worth something?Today I still have the imagination that all grown ups are like stonewalls. Of course I know this is not t
PostSecret 2007-08-03 04:04:00 I have a link on my blog called: "PostSecret". Every Sunday, a man called Frank Warren publishes postcards sent by random people with their secrets. But you are not allowed to just write your secrets, the concept is that a picture tells more than a thousand words.I visited the site again today and I just got overwhelmed by the humanity of the site. Somehow visiting the site made me feel like I am ok, I am just a humanbeing among everybody else and nobody is perfect.My vacation is soon over and this week I have been thinking a lot about my life and about myself. The disappointments, the happines, the sadness, the fears, the love and just life in general. Renewing my blog has been my way of telling about this and my posts has also been more creative this week. I have really missed just creating stuff, and I really need to try to do some more of that once I start working as well....I feel like I am growing and starting to accept myself a bit more. My final destination on my journey is sti
Goodbye 2007-08-07 05:24:00 This is a song I found on Lintins blog....I think everybody who has had an alcoholic parent knows that this can be the cruel reality. For the ones who has healthy parents it might explain how a child can feel when trying to help her or his parent. This is a video that makes me cry, and the feelings from it are still very true for me. A beautiful video that I want to share... Read more:Goodbye
Summer 2007 2007-08-07 02:15:00 The few days before my vacation was ending I said to my BF that I have´nt really done anything this summer, but I soon realized that was´nt true.During this summer I have travelled in Italy, spent a wonderful midsummer in Norrland, painted my nude selfportrait, read two books, spent a week in Finland (and even got a chance to go out in the archipelago again :)), renewed my blog, been to concerts and just relaxed in Stockholm. In the end it has been a good summer with a lot of activities and freedom.I ended my vacation by going to see the Pride parade. I was a bit disappointed in it this year though, I felt the festival and carnival feeling was a lot stronger last year. But when the parents of homosexuals walked by, I almost started crying. They seemed so proud of their children and the love they seemed to feel was amazing...Now the fall is arriving and I am actually not really sad about it as I have so many activities planned for the next two months also, a trip to Åland, the tatto Read more:Summer
I am a survivor... 2007-08-10 04:05:00 In three weeks I will be 30 years old....and I am pretty happy with what I have done in my life so far. After I moved away from home, my life has been filled with more than most people experience in a lifetime.Among other things, I have:-had two brainsurgeries-visited about 30 different countries (so ten more before I am 40 ;))-travelled alone to places like Scotland, Australia and India-been swimming with giant turtles-Walked 70 km in three days in New Zealand-have had three tattoos made, all of which tells the story of my life in a symbolic way.-done whitewater rafting-worked with TV production-been bitten by a monkey and got 5 rabies shots.-worked on a travelling funfair in Denmark-buried my mother-worked with a festival in the US-made food (alone, with almost no help) to 120 people and got a LOT of compliments for the food-participated in voodo rituals in Africa-lived in 5 different countriesand last but not least, grown a lot as a person.I definetly want the next ten years to be a
Insects 2007-08-09 05:29:00 I have been bothered with earwigs the last few months. They climb into my window, and I find out that are in my apartment, when I am sitting on my couch and they climb on me and pinch me somewhere on my body. I HATE insects.But anyway, you would think that as I live in the Nordic countries, I should be safe from having bugs in my apartment, but it´s not true, this is not the first time I have had uninvited guests in my home.....In my last apartment, when I was still living in Helsinki I had a problem with flys. During about two weeks in september, my apartment was invided by flys. I don´t know where they came from, but I killed around 20 flys each and every day. It was DISGUSTING! Luckily it was just for a short period of time.But something that is even worse than ordinary flies are bananaflies...I was living with a group of girls who were VERY bad at cleaning and doing the dishes. I was away for a week or something and when I come back the whole kitchen has been invaded by bananafli Read more:Insects
To my precious blogfriends 2007-08-15 08:58:00 Since I started blogging I feel like I have entered a new world....I have gotten the privilege to read the innermost thoughts of other people that I don’t even know. People have amazing lives and I almost feel like the people who’s blogs I read daily are my close friends.(Forgive me here if I don´t mention someone that feels he or she should be mentioned, but theese are the ones that I have "connected" most with) There is Butterfly, who was one of the first to read my blog, who’s childhood has been filled with difficult experiences and today she has chosen a profession that is still making her life very uncommon and not easy all the time. There is Lilltanten who’s posts almost always brings tears to my eyes. She is admirable in so many ways, and a role model to her family and so many other people in cyberspace. There is Lintin, who has grown up with an alcoholic parent just like I have and she is struggling to find herself and her place in the world (She will get there, she ju Read more:precious
He is coming... 2007-08-14 06:46:00 My dad just wrote me that he is going to come and visit me on my birthday....
The best grandmother in the world.... 2007-08-13 14:20:00 I got a handwritten letter from my wonderful grandmother today. She writes maybe once a month to me and she is the only one of my relatives (except from my cousin) who really shows that she cares for me, my life and how I am doing. Getting a letter from her usually makes me in a good mood and makes me feel good. Not this time....She had cut out an add from the newspaper that was called "blue eyes". The add claimed that with antioxidants from blueberries it could help you see better. She wanted me to buy this medicin here in Sweden and send it to her. Her eyesight is getting so bad that she can´t really read in the evenings and that is hard for her.Reading this just made me so sad....she is the one who I feel closest to in my so called family, but she is 85 and she will not live forever....I am so afraid of the time when I will loose her, because I feel that then I will be completly alone.She also asked me to come to Finland and spend my birthday there. She would have liked to come to
Evaluation 2007-08-13 07:46:00 I had an evaluation with my boss today and it went very well (I already got the salary raise :))I just need to write down the things she said so that I can remember it and improve what needs to be approved.I live as I preach, that is a great leader quality. I have high demands on myself and on others. I need to learn to accept that other people might not have as high demands on themselves as I have, and stop expecting more of them than they can deliver. I need to remember that most people are trying their best.My emotions are pretty transparent which can be good and bad. I need to learn to express my negative emotions in a different (more positive) way to be a good leaderFrom time to time I need to make a choice. Should I be honest or a leader?In communication I need to learn to adjust how I talk depending to which group I am talking to. Especially the management group.I am very result oriented which is good.I have courage to question things and a will to understand things.I have an ab Read more:Evaluation
Making peace with yourself 2007-08-18 03:57:00 Making peace with yourself....that must be one of the hardest things a person needs to do to be happy. I see and read about people all around me who are in war with themselves, they want to change who they are and want to get rid of the parts they don´t like. I am also included in theese people.But it is a war that can not be won. It is a war against something you as a person cannot change. But how hard is´nt it to accept that? People learn that life is unfair at different stages in their lives. Some learn it early in their life and then have a problem with really trusting life to be kind and good. Some learn it later in their life and then have a problem with wanting to go back in time, to how life was before it kicked them in their ass.I am really trying to stop my inner war, because it has been tearing me apart for so many years. I am longing for peace and acceptance and to feel good about my life and myself. I have taken a step forward theese last few days and that feels great, b
Blogaddiction 2007-08-17 08:24:00 62%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?Mingle2 - Dating SiteWell....don´t know where on the scale you have a problem....but I would say not yet ;)
Just a statement 2007-08-17 03:59:00 I feel like I have gotten to know myself quite a lot these last few months. In many ways that feels like a relief because it gives me hope that I can have a better understanding of myself and my feelings.Some feelings that before were just an uncomprehensible blur for me, has become more understandable. In so many ways, reading about other people’s innermost thoughts has given me a better perspective on myself, and just writing down what I am thinking and feeling has helped me put a little more structure in the chaos. If I get really emotional, I probably will slip again, but hopefully I will be able to give myself a bit of perspective on how I feel and handle it better. I am not at the end of my journey, not even close to it, but I feel like I have actually taken quite a big step forward (which I in some VERY weird way feel guilty about....hmm...). Read more:statement
I keep on 2007-08-23 15:29:00 I keep on paying a debt that I don´t have,and I keep on punishing myself for something I did´nt do.I keep on feeling that I am not enough,and I keep on saying I need to try more.I keep on being afraid of loosing,and I keep on forgetting myself for others.I keep on beliveing that I am not worth to love,and I keep on thinking I need to be better.I keep on crying because I can never win,but I still keep on trying....I don´t know how long I can keep on anymore....
Jaada, jaada 2007-08-23 08:07:00 Well, the interview went very well yesterday. He was mainly looking for a person who is "driven, smart and has charm" Apperantly he thought that is what I am (for some strange reason). Yesterday I wanted to change job, today I don´t. I feel like I don´t want to change jobs unless it is clearly better than the one I have now, and I am not sure this one is. Anyway, I don´t think I am going to change jobs. I enjoy my workmates that I have right now and it would be good for me to just calm down a bit and try to stay in one place for a bit longer. :)Had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was shopping stuff for my birthday and I got caught by the police and thrown into jail. I knew my BF was waiting for me and the guests were also arriving. I was feeling so stressed because I could not tell them were I was, I could not shop the things I wanted, I was´nt able to get to my party in time and I was uncertain when I was going to get out of jail. Hmmm...I guess I am feeling a bit unsettle
PMS 2007-08-22 02:31:00 I hate PMS. I can´t say that I am the type of woman that suffers alot from it, but sometimes I get the physical and mental pain before that time of the month. Today is one of those days, not having the physical pain but having the mental unstability and somebody saying just hello to me might get me so annoyed that I feel like boiling or hitting someone. You know how the irritation can just flow over you like a wave. It starts around your stomach and then spreads to the rest of your body and it is like your whole body is shaking because you know the irritation is unreasonable but the feeling is still there, stronger than ever. And I have a jobinterview today. I don´t even know if I want to change a job or if I am interested in the job. This is not a good day for me (or the ones around me)
50 great things about life 2007-08-21 12:32:00 How wonderful wouldn´t it be, if you would always remember how good simple things
in life can feel....This will make you happy:Do you remember how it feels to:1. Be in love2. Laugh so much that your stomach hurts3. Take a warm Bath4. Seeing the perfect sunset and smelling the summernight5. Get a special look from somebody and feel like you are the best in the world6. Get an e-mail7. Get an unexpected gift8. Hear your favourite song in the radio9. Lay on the bed and listen to the rain10.Feel a warm towel11.Find the shirt you want on sale12.Milkshake, chocolate or strawberry13.A hours long phonecall14.Travel somewhere far away15.Laugh so much that you cry16.Smell the flowers in the summer17.The way the sand feels between your toes on the beach18.Find money from the pocket of your old jacket19.Think that your own jokes are funny20.Get a phonecall from the one you love21.Run trough that thing that waters the grass22.Laugh without a reason23.Have friends that you can brag about to your oth
Strength 2007-08-20 14:51:00 Theese last few days I have been thinking a lot about strength and what a strong person is (yes, yes, sorry, but I am going to be philosophical again...)Anyway, it is not unusal that I hear people say to me that they think that I am such a strong person and that I am probably the kind of person that can handle any situation whenever. The people saying this might be people that know about my background, but some of them don´t know anything about me. I don´t see myself as strong and I never have, but this is the first time I understand why. It was not my choice to have the childhood I had, it was not brave or strong of me to survive it and come trough. How could it be brave when I had no other choice?When I will be at the point where I can live my adult life without my past haunting me ,and when my inner struggle won´t have as much power as it has today, and when I will be able to give my children what I never had, and when I will be able to help people around me who are struggling wi
Routines 2007-08-27 04:52:00 It is strange, I just have a good feeling today, maybe it is because I realized that I have routines in my life that I actually like. As I have written before I have had a problem with routines, when life becomes that every day life with not too many changes or suprises I almost freak out. My last ten years has been filled with changes, and I have never worked in one place for longer than 7 months (this because most employments has been project based) and since I moved away from home, ten years ago, I have not lived in one place for longer than 1,5 years.I have soon worked at the same place for a year, and yes, I have felt the ants in the pants and that is why I have been applying for jobs, just to make sure I can get a change if I want to. But this weekend I realized that I love going to work every day, I love the fact that I have gotten good friends at work and that I know a lot of people there. There are actually other routines that I have that I like also, like when we are walking Read more:Routines
Underground trance 2007-08-26 04:52:00 Yesterday I went out to this underground tranceparty. Theese parties are a lot like the raves in the 1990´s and like most people think, there is a lot of drugs involved. I don´t do drugs myself but I still enjoy going to theese parties every now and then. The trance music is so hypnotizing and if you are stressed or in a bad mood or something it can feel really good to just let the beat move your body and dance away all the negative emotions. Analog pussies (on the picture above) were the "live act" at this party and I kind of liked the fact that there was not only a dj up there but it was a bit more of a perfomance to watch.I do find it appealing to every now and then experience this subculture because is so very far away from the enviroment and the people I am working with every day. I feel that my work enviroment is the very essence of what people are supposed to do in society and most of the people seemes to be formed by the society, and don´t feel any reason to challenge the ru
30 years of life experience 2007-08-31 09:10:00 So tomorrow at 9.10am I will be 30 years old. Six of my relatives are coming from Finland to celebrate my birthday and later in the evening about 25 of my friends will squeeze into my 34m2 apartment, guess if it is going to be crowded? :)Sitting at work and just got interrupted from my workmates who sang for me and gave me a fine bottle of wine. I told them that I am moving over to their side, to "the other side" :). I also told them that when I come back to work on Monday I will be a changed person, with wrinkles and gray hair and very serious.....NOT!!Well, life will be as good if not better on "the other side", so I am just going to keep on enjoying and tomorrow it will PARTY, PARTY from morning to evening :) Read more:experience
Heard 2007-08-30 13:31:00 There is a memory that I have that I have meant to write down for about a few months now. I thought I would write it down today, but then decided to wait until after my birthday.Anyway, Torrdocka wrote a post today (in swedish) that moved me a lot. She said some things that I would have wanted to hear from my mum while she was still alive, but my mum got "deaf" from the alcohol and could not hear what people were telling her, she only heard her own paranoid voice.Still, reading what Torrdocka wrote made me feel such a relief. Maybe because my mum could never see my dad´s and my side, she could only see herself. Torrdocka, who is a recovering alcoholic heard me, and in some ways it almost felt like my mum heard me. For me it is a enormous relief that a woman who knows what it is to be a slave to alcohol hears what I am saying. MY voice is heard, it has a meaning what I am saying and I am not just talking to a wall, like it felt so many times in my childhood.Tack Torrdocka! Read more:Heard
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