Owner: A creature from this world? URL:http://acreaturefromthisworld.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2007 13:29:24 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: A woman living in Stockholm blogging about her life. She is also thinking about how it has affected her that her mother was an alcoholic. Her biggest passion is to travel and more about that you can read in the blog. Site statistics:Click here
My mothers death, part 2 2007-06-29 14:06:00 I realized something today....I guess I have suspected it before, but I have never known for sure, now I do. I am not over my mothers death
, I have not mourned her and I have not forgiven her. This has caused me to keep HER feelings alive inside me, as I feel like I can´t turn my back on her anymore by saying goodbye.When she still lived, I was all she lived for, and years after I had moved away from home she used to call me and ask me to move back home. I refused to talk to her when she was drunk, which she was most of the times, so this meant that 90% of the times she called me, I hung up the phone in her ear. I feel guilty for this. When her condition got really bad I started avoiding her and I did not really go home for a visit, neither did I talk to my parents for very long periods of time. I feel guilty for this. A few years before she died, I gave up hope on her, I started thinking that I did not have a mother, I started living accordingly to that. I feel guilty for this. On t
New Boss 2007-06-28 10:55:00 As you spend so many hours of your life at work, it obviously also becomes a big part of your life.We are going trough a lot of organizational changes at work, not negative ones but positive ones where we are growing and the organization is changing. I also learned today that my boss is quitting and we are getting a new boss.I don´t like the idea of getting a new boss as the person who is my boss today is the person who hired me, and I know she belives in me. What if the personal chemistry with the new person does not work at all? What if the new person is extremly controlling and has a very different idea of what I should be doing compared to what I am doing now? I have never really realized how much the boss affects the work enviroment, but he or she does.I like changes as long as they are not for the worse. With changes you grow and get to know yourself and a lot of the times you suddenly manage to do things that you never thought you would be capable of. But pretty muc
The EU comission and "Love" 2007-07-04 08:03:00 I read an interesting article in a newspaper today. The art institution at the EU comission is promoting European movies with "a soft porn commercial", as some people call it, and this video has already been seen by 1,3 million viewers.This seems to be a very controversial subject. And in a way I can understand that some people get upset, although I don´t personally find the video that extreme, rather the opposite, I have to admit that I like the video. But howcome can EU not use sex for promoting themselves when a very big amount of the commercials seen in different medias, all over the world, are using very sexually oriented material? Sex sells, that is a fact, a fact that has become even more evident with EU´s 44 second long video. I guess some people think that EU needs to be a bit more conservative considering that they are representing Europe, but why? Europe is already famous for being quite liberal, so why be a hypocrit and claim that we are something that we are not?I salute
Nightmare 2007-07-04 03:18:00 I had a dream, or a nightmare last night. I was somewhere at some friends place and there was this creepy guy around his forties that had yellow fingernails with dirtlines underneath them. He had dirty yellow teeth and he had a big grin on his face all the time. He kept wanting to touch me and I kept pushing him away, and I was able to do that because he was smaller than me.When I was on my way home I had to walk over a big courtyard and I hesitated if I should do that or if I should try to walk some other way because I knew he would be watching me. I decided to walk another way and when I saw my apartment, I saw that the lighs were on (the apartment was on the first floor) and he was in it, naked. He saw me and I tried to hide at the corner of the house, but then I knew I had to run and I called the police. I was running and I knew he was after me and I kept talking to the police and he kept asking questions until I asked him to come and help me....then I got complete silence, and I k Read more:Nightmare
Helpless and useless 2007-07-03 14:08:00 I feel anxiety, sadness and fear. My love is having a hard time right now and I am suffering with him. The only problem is that he is shutting me out, he is not letting me into his world and I don´t know what to do. I can´t do anything to help him and he knows that.I don´t know how to handle the situation and I am so afraid that he is not going to want to be in this life anymore. I am so scared and I feel so useless
.His situation is affected by outside factors that is making him feal fear, probably a overwhelming fear that is taking control of him. I wish I could be in his mind so that I could help him get control of his thoughts and his feelings. I wish that I could be like soft silk smoothing upp all the harsh emotions tearing him apart. I wish I could be a samurai warrior that could slay the dragons that are buring his heart with fire. I wish I could be an angel that would have the power to take away all the bad things. But I am none of this....I am just a normal human being try Read more:Helpless
Project: Forgivness and letting go. 2007-07-03 09:17:00 MY PROJECT: I don’t want my past to interfere with my future anymore. I want to be able to forgive my mum and let go of her. I want to get rid of the bad habits I have inherited of her.TIMELINE: I wanted to have this done before my thirtieth birthday, but as that is only a couple of months away it will be impossible. So like in all projects, the "release date" will be delayed, but my plan is to have it over and done by the end of the year.COST: Quite a lot of time and quite a lot of effort to really dig deep in myself. I will probably experience a lot of sadness, uncomfortable feelings and anger.SUPPORT: My friends might need to comfort me and reassure me that I they are not leaving me. My BF is my biggest support and I always know I have a shoulder to cry on in him, which means the world to me.OUTCOME: I will be a happier and calmer person. I have also decided to reward myself with a tattoo that will symbolize my freedom. I already have a black rose with a heart that symbolizes my m Read more:Project
High heels! 2007-07-02 12:09:00 I have never in my soon 30 years long life used shoes with as much heel as theese ones, belive it or not!I am quite a tall girl and I have always felt that I don´t need to get any taller than I am, but today I have walked in my first high heel shoes ever! :) It has actually been very liberating as I really felt like a woman and I felt like it doesn´t matter that much that I am tall. All the compliments I got both from female and male workers made me feel even more confident and I am definetly going to use high heels again.But I do need to admit that I am a bit of a wimp, I had to change to shoes with no heels in the end of the day as my feet were hurting too much :)....................skor, mode, skönhet
Going down the memory lane 2007-07-07 10:29:00 My love bought a huge amount of LP albums for very cheap yesterday. We have´nt had time to really go trought all of them yet, but I was looking trough one of the boxes earlier today. Most of the LP´s are from the 70´s and the 80´s which means that there is a huge amount of my childhood music and memories in there.I wouldn´t say that my musictaste was great when I was a kid. I remember that the first casette I ever owned was Sandra, the second Madonna and the third Samantha Fox. The thought of Samantha Fox always makes me smile. When I was a kid I did´nt understand that she was considered a sexsymbol, neither what she was really singing about. :) Imagine this: I am eight years old, I don´t know any english, but I am still trying to sing along to all the songs. I am sitting in the living room and my parents are watching TV. I have my headphones on while I am listening, as I don´t want to disturb my parents. I have a blanket over my head beacuse I don´t want them to see me while Read more:Going
Serenity 2007-07-06 03:51:00 I just LOVE this picture....I took it in Norrland during midsummer, and I could just sit down and stare at it, and I wish I could be there again... Read more:Serenity
The "Mini Me" 2007-07-06 03:12:00 I read a post on my blogger friend´s site today(in swedish):"Inga mer förlåt" and it got me thinking about myself and my childhood.I remember when I was a kid and I was more afraid than anything to be left alone, and I have to admit that I still am. I was quite lonely as a child, but I don´t think that anybody ever thought that I was bullied, but I was definetly the outcast, the grey skinny little girl that did not open her mouth too much and was maybe a bit weird.My first "best friend" used to suddenly just freeze me out. I was about ten years and I remember that I felt a horror of coming to school because I did not know if I would have to be alone that day. Sometimes when I came to school she would be standing with a group of other girls, whispering and when I approached them they would turn their backs at me. I just did not want to be alone the whole day so I kept clinging on to her, I kept "serving her" just so she would spend some time with me, and after a couple of days she
Sunny, sunnier, sunniest 2007-07-05 07:48:00 I just feel like writing about random stuff that is not so emotionally loaded. So, lets talk about vacation. I am saving at least two weeks for the winter as I really need to go travelling somewhere warm in the middle of the cold and dark winter. I have done this for probably 15 years and last year I did not travel to the sun, and let me tell you, it is not something that I am going to do again. I NEED my sun in the winter. And anyway, it feels like a lot better alternative to have a longer vacation in the winter, when you can go to Asia and South America and you can be 99% sure that the sun WILL be shining. When having a long vacation here in the Nordic countries you can never be sure that the weather will be good. This summer for example seems to be very unstable. We can all end up having rain during our whole vacation or we might get lucky and get a lot of sun. But just the fact that is uncertain is a stressfactor, and the disappointment is enormous if you have to go back to work, y Read more:Sunny
Clothes 2007-07-12 08:49:00 Today I have been wearing my high heel shoes, a pink tight shirt and a thight black penskirt. It is interesting how I actually do feel different wearing theese clothes, not only does the shoes make me even taller, but I feel different myself also.I usually like to wear comfortable clothes, like comfortable flat shoes, a cotton dress, soft trousers and a warm sweater if it is cold, etc.. This does not sound very sexy, and most of the time it is not, although you can make it sexy also ;) But wearing clothes that are worn just to make yourself beautiful and that are not neccessarily comfortable does feel different. I don´t know how to describe it, but I guess one way of saying it would be that the comfortable clothes should be worn when you want to be your own best friend and you don´t neccessarily need so much attention from other people. Businesslike clothes with a hint of sexiness are not neccessarily comfortable, but could be worn when you need more attention or if you want to make Read more:Clothes
The worlds (in my world) smartest BF :) 2007-07-11 15:30:00 I have got the smartest boyfriend in the world. He got a stunning 133 points in the IQ test. I have always known he is smart and now I have proof. I am proud of him!!(and right now I am going to pretend that this test means everything :))
IQ and EQ test 2007-07-11 02:53:00 As a kid, a teenager and quite a few years after that too, I always considered myself as a lot dummer than other people. Still I feel that I am not as smart as so many other people around me are, and I am sure many of my friends and my BF is way smarter than me. But anyway, in lack of anything else to do yesterday evening, I took and IQ test (in swedish) and EQ test. I am not THAT smart, I am just a bit above the highest average on both, having 117 on IQ and 118 on EQ, but I guess that is ok, considering the fact that the average score is apperantly 100.But still, what does a simple test prove? Nothing. I don´t really think that you can measure intelligence or emoitonal intelligence either, but I just consider doing theese tests as a bit of fun :)But I guess a good thing would be to stop underestimating myself, like I always do....maybe, or actually I think I will just stay "humble", that feels better.... ;)
Where does the line go between unconditional love ... 2007-07-10 09:13:00 Where does the line go between unconditional love and setting boundaries? I mean, I do feel that you can love unconditionally but still have boundaries and limits of what you think is ok or not.In my opinion unconditional love is about making that person feel that he/she is ok as he/she is, but that can be done without accepting everything that the other person says, right? I mean if you never disagree with that person or have different opinions from him or her, you will loose yourself and then you will be miserable, or at least I would be. But I guess the keyword is respect and values. If you have respect for eachother and you have the same values, then you will be alright. Then you also know that having different opinions doesn´t mean that you are not loyal to eachother, it just means that you are honest enough to disagree.I guess a good example would be a mum and her child. She has to set boundaries for him/her but she is still loving her child unconditionally, a little bit of thou
Unconditional love 2007-07-09 12:46:00 I realized something today. I am not sure I have ever loved anybody unconditionally. I found this article about unconditional love on the internet and it was actually called: "tools for control issues" I read the article and I thought for a while about the questions they asked and I understood the sad truth.The first person that I feel that I really got unconditional love (friendship) from was my cousin when I was a teenager. She did a lot for me and I am not sure I would have been able to go trough those years without her. My BF´s love towards me is also a lot more unconditional to me than mine is to him.But I guess I learned it the hard way, that love needs to be earned and you can´t get it, if you don´t deserve it. My mum had a lot of rules on how I should be and how I should behave for her to love me. When I became independent, I also lost her love because I probably broke pretty much all of her conditions. My first three so called best friends definetly thought me conditional l
Communication 2 2007-07-09 11:12:00 Communication....is there anything harder than that?I am en emotional person and when I get emotional I might not be the easiest one to communicate with. I also have a problem with trusting people for really being there for me because of my past. Maybe I have a little invisible protective wall around me with invisible spikes on it that makes me react in sometimes weird ways?Communication is also so hard because people understand things so differently, people have different expectations and different backgrounds which makes them communicate in different ways and words get different meanings for different people.A lot of times I find it hard to communicate with people who has never really had any hard times in their lives (now I am generalising alot). I feel like I have such a different view on life compared to them and for some reason I immediatly feel like I have nothing in common with them.I have been failing a lot in communication the last few days. I know that emotions and fears fro
Life is not fair.
This is definetly something I ha... 2007-07-09 05:58:00 Life is not fair.This is definetly something
I have learned during my life. But it is hard to know, or at least for me, when you have the right to stand up for yourself and when you need to back off.I belive that each and every person are allowed to be as they are, as long as they are not hurting anyone else. But what if you get hurt by another person without having done anything yourself? How do you handle that situation? I guess there is always the choice of fight or flight, but it might still be hard to know which choice to make. I was hurt yesterday by a person close to me. That person said things that are not ok according to my values and also attacked me personally for beliveing what I do. I can understand that person but at the same time I don´t. This person just went way too far....When being unfairly treated, I do think it is important to stand up for yourself, but you also need to rememebr that life is not always fair and you cannot always get the justice you deserve or you
My nude selfportrait 2007-07-14 04:39:00 My painting is finally done, This is the first painting I have done in I don´t know how many years. The last one I painted maybe five years ago or something.This one is painted with watercolours from a picture we took in Italy. I guess it is ok considering how many years it is since I last painted :).............konst, skönhet
Past vs. Future 2007-07-13 10:44:00 If you have had a bad childhood that you have not made peace with, it will keep reminding about itself in every single relationship you have. I feel a lot of emotions that I don´t feel when I am single if I am in a loving realtionship.In arguments or when I feel insecure I become the little girl I was in the past. This is something I just feel myself, and my BF just sees this grown up woman and cannot always understand what is going on. I still feel a huge guilt for not being able to save my mum from alcoholism and that guilt is causing so many problems for me. I am always afraid of being dumped because I don´t feel that I am good enough (my BF compared it to saying that there would be an UFO landing on the porch because it is so far from his reality) I always think, that once my BF REALLY get to know me, he will not want to be with me. I have a very different view on myself compared to how other people see me. Most of the time I see the little girl in me while other people see the g Read more:Future
My roof terrace! 2007-07-17 13:24:00 I made a great finding the other day. We have a roof tearrace in our house!! Imagine how happy I got as I don´t have a balcony or anyhting, but now I can sit on the roof, with a view of the whole Stockholm, do some painting, do some reading, do some sunbathing or whatever else I want. HAPPY! :)....................takterass
The Ocean 2007-07-16 17:12:00 My Love said to me today: "You need to think about us as the ocean, sometimes it is stormy, sometimes it is calm and sometimes there are waves, but it is still....always....the ocean"I love the ocean more than anything, but that is not the only reason why I felt this was such a good thing to hear. I guess I usually forget that even if the ocean behaves differently and gives you different challenges, it is still always the ocean....Need to keep reminding myself of that. Read more:Ocean
Tactics 2007-07-16 16:07:00 As a kid and a teenager I developed a lot of tactis to surive. Theese are the same tactics I have used my whole life. Those tactics worked at the time and DID take me trough the worst time but I have started to realize that they don´t work as well anymore.I am trying to have a "normal" relationship with "normal" feelings, but I feel that feelings from the past are still messing up my life in the present. Having a relationship is sometimes so hard for me as I become an emotional mess in many ways. I feel like I don´t really know myself in a relationship, I know myself when I am single and then I am also a lot calmer. But when being in a relationship so many fears from my childhood arise, so many uncomprehendable emotions take control over me and I get confused about where to set my limits.I have started to realize that the tactics that I used and am still using are not really helping me anymore, and maybe they never have, but I have always belived that they give me a sense of control.
Roof terrace top ten list 2007-07-19 08:56:00 My top ten list about my newly found roof terrace. :)1) You have sun from early morning until late evening (unless it is cloudy of course)2) It is pretty much bugs fee beacuse it is so high up3) You have a 360 degree view of stockholm4) You can sunbathe nude if you feel like it5) Hardly anybody is ever there so you can be there by yourself most of the time6) No disturbing people or kids around you that keep screaming in you ear.7) In the wintertime you can go up there and make a snowman8) As it is so high up you will usually feel a breeze and you won´t get too sweaty9) It is so close to home so if you are tight on time you can still easily get up there and get some sun.10) I can take silly pictures without anybody seeing me. :)
A summer day 2007-07-21 02:46:00 Yesterday me and a friend of mine barbecued on my roof terrace. It went a lot better than you would assume from the picture. :) Considering neither of us had barbecued before and we randomly got scared of setting the house on fire, the food tasted excellent and it was awesome to have some real scandinavian summer food. Real scandinavian summer food is barbecued meat, sallad and fresh potatoes.In the evening I went with my boyfriend to the Stockholm Jazz Festival and we listened to the wonderful swedish artist Laleh, I have never heard her before, even if she is pretty big here in Sweden. I reallly liked her, in my opinion she was a mix between Lisa Ekdahl and Bjork. Her stage apperance was a bit of Tomas di Leva, but it still worked for her. I am definetly going to buy her CD.The main artist of the evening was Ziggy Marley. It is the closest I have ever gotten to Bob Marley, as I saw his son on stage :) I thought quite a lot about how it must have been and how it must have felt to list
---- 2007-07-24 15:08:00 Am I overreacting because I get so sad and disappointed? If my dad and I would be close and I would know he is always there for me, I would probably not care as much. But now I feel like I am just trying to get some kind of confirmation that he cares for me and that I am important to him. My birthday became that confirmation and now I just feel so sad because I feel like I got confirmed the wrong thing...What a great day this is.....
Disappointed.... 2007-07-24 13:37:00 I got very disappointed and sad today. I keep hoping and hoping and I forget about reality.I thought that I could be sure that my dad would show up at my 30th birthday party but apperantly I was wrong. I thought that of course he would want to be there and celebrate it with me, but I was wrong. He and his new wife are prioritizing their money elsewhere and my birthday is not that important to them. They are putting their money on a mediterranean cruise (which by the way will be at least ten times more expensive than a trip to Sweden would be) which means they can´t afford to come and visit me on my birthday. I wonder if there would be the same priorization if it would be his new wifes daughters birthday? I seriously doubt it.It is a long time since I last felt so small and so insignificant. If my dad does not feel that my birthday is important then why should I? I guess he does not understand how significant he is in my life. He does not understand how unworthy he can make me feel by
Rain and vacation 2007-07-24 04:26:00 What are you supposed to do when the rain is pouring down outside and you have vacation? I guess I might find it cosy if I would be at home, but now when I am visiting my relatives I am caught in a house as a guest. As a guest you cannot organize your closet, clean your bathroom or do other useful things that you would do at home.My small summetown is more like a watertown right now and I feel quite bored....Tomorrow or the day after I will go to Helsinki, don´t know if that is going to help my boredom....I am going to go and read a book...............regn, semester
Archipelago 2007-07-23 03:14:00 I am back in my hometown where I lived for my first 20 years. It is a small summertown with about 10.000 people and it is very beautiful in many ways. I always get a bit anxious when I get back here as I feel I get too close to the past. But this time I am trying to just stay calm and I am trying to not get sucked into the bad emotions. So far I have been able to keep a distance between my past and the person I am today, although I feel it is really hard.When I was a kid we were a lot out in the archipelago with my cousin and her family. It has been many years since last time I was out in the archipelago with them, but yesterday I got the chance to go out with them again and it was very nice.The time I spent on the ocean and on the islands as a child are actually some of the happiest memories I have from childhood (feels good to think about the happy memories too :)). We spent so much time out in the archipelago that I know the shapes and the looks of most of the islands. I remember ha
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