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I, David Hasselhoff, Plan to Give My Fortune Away Too
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Mr. Buffett,Congrats on the big donation. $37 Billion to charity is quite the gift. Quite the gift, indeed. But it's no match for what I'm about to do. I'm about to bequeath the greatest gift imaginable. That's right, I'm going to give away my own personal fortune. My personal fortune of chest hair that is.Just as you represent the pinnacle of savvy investing, I represent the zenith of early 1980s chest hair glory. Your generous monetary gift will bring great joy to billions of people for generations to come. My donated chest hair will make millions of grown women weep with pleasure. And when those tears fall to the ground, they will seed great forests and sweeping fields of grain. Pestilence, famine, hunger, and other things that look like they've been inflicted upon Nicole Richie will suddenly end. All because of my magnanimous chest hair donation. Do not underestimate the power of the Hoff. So bask in the glory of your gift for now. But do not bask for long.
Read more: David , Hasselhoff , Fortune , David Hasselhoff

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Bathroom Sex
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Thanks to David F for this week's question. We swear...we actually received some e-mailed questions to Wilford. Keep em' coming to pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com.*******Dear Wilford,Is bathroom sex appropriate for the work place? If so, what can I use to clean up the mess?Thanks,David FDear David F,Thanks for your God damn question. Of course bathroom sex is appropriate for the workplace. Hell, I used to do it all the time when I worked as a blacksmith. I don't do it anymore as I have The Diabetes and don't want to mess around with my God damn blood sugar levels. Also, I stopped having sex 10 years ago as I can orgasm simply by yelling at my prostate. That's just the type of man I am. But since I have more testosterone in my God damn pinky than you probably have in your entire body, you probably should have yourself some bathroom sex. Just don't pick a damn fat chick. You gotta have yourself some standards.The key to a good romp in the workplace bathroom is the handicap
Read more: Wilford Brimley

Beyonce Pledges To Get More Brazilian Waxes
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Thanks to Philippa's Daily News Planet for the tip New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS PressAt a recent dinner with "fans" at the famous Nobu 57 restaurant, Beyonce Knowles was surprised to learn that the fans dining with her were in fact members of PETA, as they had secretly won the recent eBay auction that had offered up a dinner with Ms. Knowles. PETA, not to be confused with the other PETA, confronted Ms. Knowles about wearing fur. After a brief questioning period, they were bootie shaken out of the restaurant and Ms. Knowles continued her dinner. Later, when questioned about her usage of fur, she had this apologetic response:"I wholeheartedly apologize to all of my fans for my support of fur. I didn't know that PETA knew about my grooming habits downstairs, but apparently they have very strong cameras. While Jay-Z likes a little "somethin' to grab on to" when he's down there, I understand that having a nappy dugout is unethical. As a result, I've decided to get a Braz
Read more: Pledges , Brazilian

Heather McCartney Apologizes to Paul for German Porn
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Paul,Hey...so I know we're splitting up and everything, but...uh...sorry about the whole German porn thing. I mean, on the bright side, at least he didn't take a dump on me, right? Right? That's pretty much standard in German scheise movies, so you know that I had standards when I did those pictures. High standards. Um...yeah.Anywhoooo....I hope this doesn't ruin my chances to get half your money. I'd hate for that to happen. I'd be so despondent that...that...well...I don't know. I may even take my leg off and beat myself to death with it. It's not unheard of. Really, it's not. So...uh...please forgive me.Okay...I guess I'll see you in court. And again, sorry for the German porn. My bad.Sorta Love,Heather Mills******************Original JLH petitionTags: Heather Mills, Heather McCartney , Paul McCartney, German porn, The Sun


An E-Mail from Debra Messing to Natalie Portman
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Hey Natalie ,Hope you had a good Pesach. I don't know about you, but I'm so happy that Passover ends tonight. Don't you just hate throwing up Matzoh? I can't wait to purge out some nice, smooth pasta tonight!!!Anyway, if you're available, I'd love to get together as I hate binging alone. I could pull your trigger and you could pull mine. It'd be fun! Just don't have any gefilte fish. LOL!!!!!TTFN,Debra P.S. Had Winona over for my seder and she totally butchered the 4 Questions. Then she ran off with my seder plate. It's like a Will and Grace episode, although neither of us are gay and this situation actually was funny.************Original JLH PetitionTags: Natalie Portman , Debra Messing , Winona Ryder, Passover, Will and Grace
Read more: Natalie Portman

Hey Jennifer Love Hewitt, It's Time To Throw Down
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt ,Long time no speak. It's been a while since I've addressed the issue about which I am most passionate in all of life - seeing your breasts in an issue of Playboy. Some may call that a sad life's calling. I respectfully disagree. I think your sweater monkeys are worthy of my life's ambition. You see, I am unafraid to embrace seemingly trivial objectives if I truly believe their essence is noble. And I challenge anyone to argue against the concept of your exposed fun bags as the most noble of all objects in the cosmos.Yet, when it comes to showing your hallowed half-moons to a world who so desperately craves them, you falter. Why is this? Why do you pose for American Way magazine, but not for Playboy? Along with Stuff!, Parade, and The New Yorker, American Way magazine represents the lowest form of the written word. A step-up from stereo instructions, American Way magazine is the preferred reading material for blind illiterate people with severe learning dis
Read more: Throw , Love Hewitt

Adam Morrison to Replace Meredith Vieira on The View
1970-01-01 00:59:59
New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS PressIn a bold move, NCAA basketball star Adam Morrison was named as the replacement for Meredith Vieira on ABC's morning squawk-fest The View. Vieira officially resigned from the estrongenically-inclined show early on Thursday morning, when NBC announced that she would be replacing Katie Couric on The Today Show. Vieira will have big shoes to fill on The Today Show as for years Couric was regarded as "Queen of the Ovaries" amongst the morning news show hosts. Morrison, on the other hand, will not have much to live up to as nothing on The View is considered to be of high quality.At first glance, Morrison appears to be an odd choice to replace Vieira, as he does not have a vulva. However, ABC producers were apparently wowed by his performance at the NCAA tournament. Not only was his insanely irrational behavior typical of many premenstrual females, but also his wispy mustache drew parallels to menopausal women. Both women fall squarely within the tar


Eva Longoria Dating Yao Ming
1970-01-01 00:59:59
San Antonio, TX (ABSP) - Associated BS PressEva Longoria , star of the ABC shit-com Desperate Housewives, has found a new lover to replace former boyfriend and NBA sorta-superstar Tony Parker. That new lover is Yao Ming, the diminutive 7'5" center for the Houston Rockets. Longoria, who recently entered splitsville with Parker, had previously expressed an affection for Chinese men, calling them "awesome in bed" and "tremendous lovers" and "really good at math and all that kung fu stuff that I watch on TV on the weekends." In short, she's got a fever, and the only prescription is more Ming.Repeated requests for comments from the Brad Garrett-sized center have fallen on deaf ears, as Mr. Ming continues to remain silent on his burgeoning relationship with Ms. Longoria. He did, however, hint at something inappropriate when he gave the international shocker sign. Ming has yet to be linked to any celebrities, while Longoria has been linked to everyone from ex-*NSYNC member JC Chasez to Bobc
Read more: Dating , Eva Longoria

Steve Lyons: Don't Beieve That Lying Mexican, I'm Not Racist
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Baseball Fans,Lou Pinella is an asshole. I say one little comment on the air about him being a dirty Mexican who only wants to steal my wallet and he completely flips out. I'm not surprised, because, I mean, he has Mexican heritage and all. But come on. Can't you take a little joke? When I was a player, my nickname was Psycho. What was your nickname, Lou? Was it "The Overreacting Mexican Heritage Guy?" Sure, that's a bit of a mouthful but it's true. Or maybe it was Lou Pinella - Big Time Douchebag. Either way, it's an apt description. Look, I don't claim to a tolerant person. I've started more than a few race riots and I once killed a Panamanian farmer for looking at me the wrong way. But my comments on the air the other day? Gee whiz, they were harmless. I'm sorry that you got your Mexican heritage panties all in a bunch because of them, but they were innocent. And now I'm out of the job. Thanks, Lou. Or maybe I should say, Grassy-ass. Or you gonna get me fired for that
Read more: Steve , Lyons , Lying , Racist

Matt Lauer Admits To Loving Porn
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Hi America!My name is Matt Lauer and I love pornography! I love it! Love it! Love it! Love it! Nothing in the world makes me happier than downloading some Internet porn on my NBC-issued IBM Thinkpad computer. It's great! I do it in my house. I do it with a mouse. I do it on the phone. I do it and get a bone...er. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Yay porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn!Seriously, the site of two 19-year-old women kissing each other, while fondling a well-hung black man named Lex makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. And outside! Ha ha...that was a porn joke because I love porn. I'm telling you, when our Lord Gerald Ford created the Porno Superhighway, he had me in mind. Katie used to marvel at the quantity of porn that I watched. She suggested that I had some type of mental disease and offered me some of her anti-depressant pills, but we all know those are BS!!! There really is no rational explanation for my love of the great world of pornography. I just lov
Read more: Loving

Katie Couric Declines On-Air Gang Bang In Final Today Show Episode
1970-01-01 00:59:59
New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS PressEarlier today the undisputed queen of morning perkiness, Katie Couric , bid farewell to NBC's Today Show, but not before politely declining one final on-air gangbang with fellow hosts Al Roker and Matt Lauer. Roker had been lobbying for an on-air orgy for years."I've never kept secret my intentions of having a Roker-Couric-Lauer sandwich on live TV," said the jovial and untalented weatherman, "but she's always turned me down. I thought it was a weight thing, then I thought it was a black thing, but now I'm thinking it was just good-ole-fashioned hesitation to performing hardcore pornography on network TV. Go figure."Couric has never been one to shy away from controversial actions, such as when she broadcast an on-air colonoscopy in 2000. Sources indicate that at the time she also wanted to broadcast an on-air vasectomy, but Matt Lauer wouldn't agree to it. This time it was Couric who balked."You know she wants to do it," sneered an angr
Read more: Final , Episode , Katie Couric

Kobe Bryant Jealous of Duke University Lacrosse Team
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Duke University Lacrosse Team,I heard about what happened, and I only have one thing to say: you lucky sons of bitches! I'm so jealous! It's one thing to rape someone by yourself, but to do it with a whole gang of your friends...man...I can only imagine how that must feel. We athletes know how important it is to bond with your teammates. What better way than through gang rape? Gang rape. Kind of has a nice ring to it, eh? Man, I envy you guys. You got to do it at home too! I had to go to Colorado. Such a shame. And then it cost me that $4 million diamond, but don't even get me started on that. Hopefully your girlfriends will understand what an amazing and rare opportunity this was for you. My wife knew the deal. Good luck at the trial and I'll see you when we play the Bobcats!Best Regards,Kobe "Only a Single Person Rapist" Bryant *********Ed Note: Obviously we here at JLH Central do not support rape. This was just our feeble attempt to mock those involved, who deserve mockery a
Read more: Jealous , Kobe Bryant

Frank Stallone and Italian Prostitute to Reschedule Wedding Date
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Italy (ABSP) - Associated BS PressThe recent announcement by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of a November 18th wedding in Italy has already resulted in some unintended negative consequences. Frank Stallone , brother of the legendary star of Rocky, Rambo, Cobra, and The Party at Kitty and Stud's, has had to cancel his long-anticipated wedding to Italian prostitute Bella. Younger brother of the more famouser and bestest actor in the world Sylvester, Frank Stallone has struggled to gain credibility as an actor. Lacking talent, looks, diction, and other skills common among actors and sentient beings, Frank has barely eked out a living in Hollywood. As such, it was only natural that he would end up marrying an Italian prostitute. Mr. Stallone was looking forward to a simple, anonymous wedding followed by a night of paid sex. When he heard about the impending Cruise-Holmes wedding, he knew those desires instantly went up in smoke like his career. Sources indicate that seconds after the wedding
Read more: Prostitute

Michael Richards - I Love All Black People And Chinks Too
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Black People,I love you very much. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not a racist. I love all black people, and all their black things like watermelons and fried chicken. How could I be a racist when I love KFC? You may not know this, but I wrote several Seinfeld episodes to be performed in blackface. They didn't perform them, but obviously I wouldn't have written those scenes if I didn't love black people. Look, this whole "n" word controversy is so blown out of proportion. Let me tell you, there isn't a person on earth who loves black people more! I love to talk with them, have sex with them, and even consume them as part of a six course meal. I love them that much! I just want to eat them up!You know who else I love? Chinks, or Chinamen as you may know them. They're so cuddly and Asian. I once had sex with a beautiful Asian women and instantly got better at math. It's true. Genital to genital contact with an Asian person increases your math and science skills. I urge you
Read more: Michael

A Eulogy to Peter Benchley by Gary Coleman
1970-01-01 00:59:59
We here at JLH central are big fans of the Jaws franchise (assuming Jaws 4 never happened). Seeing as the great Peter Benchley has just bought his last ticket to Sea World, we thought it would be great to have a celebrity eulogy. Unfortunately, we couldn't afford Steven Spielberg. Thankfully we were able to get the next best thing: Gary Coleman .Whatchu Talkin' Bout Peter,Have you ever seen Diff'rent Strokes? I was on that show for 8 years. Since then I've tried to commit suicide, sued my parents, tried to commit suicide again, run for Governor of California, become a character in a Broadway show, and brought warmth to the hearts of millions through my irreverence. You wrote about sharks. Clearly you must see how saddened I am at your passing.I hate my life, but at least I'm alive. You're not. We mourn you for that, but the world also celebrates me being alive. I was Arnold Jackson on a hit TV show. You can never take that from me, Peter Benchley. I will always have that. Yes, Jaw
Read more: Eulogy , Gary Coleman

Jake Gyllenhaal To Star In New Movie Called: I'm Not Gay And Let Me Prove It By Having Sex With Your Girlfriend Or Sister
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS PressJake Gyllenhaal , star of the critically acclaimed gay cowboy movie, Brokeback Mountain, is slated to star in a new movie proclaiming his total and utter "non-gayness." The new movie, called I'm Not Gay And Let Me Prove It By Having Sex With Your Girlfriend Or Sister, stars Gyllenhaal as a renegade pirate biker astronaut named Panther Rogers who rides from town to town, sleeping with the hot women in the town and solving mysteries. He's assisted in the movie by his virile and very heterosexual sidekick Puma Sanders, played by the great Lorenzo Lamas. Together they form a formidable team known only as "Straight." Since the release of Brokeback Mountain, Gyllenhaal has been dogged by jokes about his masculinity. At the recent ESPY awards, Lance Armstrong made a now infamous joke about Mr. Gyllenhaal, and then later blew him backstage. To dispel the rumors, Mr. Gyllenhaal accepted the lead role in the new movie, and then proceeded to have
Read more: Jake Gyllenhaal , Having Sex

Happy Thanksgiving From Lorenzo Lamas
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear America,Happy Thanksgiving ! I am Lorenzo Lamas, America's official Thanksgiving representative three years running. It is my distinct pleasure to welcome in the holiday for you, to you, and most importantly - with you. Let us celebrate together.First, a small prayer. Dear Lord Almighty, savior of my people and creator of the hit TV show Charmed, I ask of you to bless this great land called America on this most blessed of all secular holidays. I ask for you to watch over us as we consume great quantities of food, drink heartily, insult our relatives, and drive drunk on the roads. Please keep our bellies full, our hearts pure, and our latin love-sticks caliente! And let us say, Amen.And with this prayer under our belt, it's time for the celebrating to begin. As the official Thanksgiving representative me and my superior pectoral muscles are proud to usher in this weekend full of fun, mayhem, and maybe even a little nookie. Well, I'll certainly get action, but that's because I am


From One Shaved Pussy To Another
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Britney,Would you stop it! Every time I look up I see your shaved pussy. Shaved pussy here and shaved pussy there. You know, from one shaved pussy to another, you're starting to give us a bad name.It's not easy being a shaved pussy. People constantly stare at me and wonder how I got to be the way I am. As a celebrity targeted by the paparazzi, I'm sure you understand my plight. And that's why your recent flashing remains so puzzling to me, king of the shaved pussies. Why would you go and flash your shaved pussy to the world, in the process increasing your exposure (no pun intended)? If anything, I thought you'd wear granny panties or even thermal underwear in public, just to prevent such an event from occurring. But alas, you wore nothing and then flashed the world the smile they've been waiting to see.Many people will blame Paris Hilton for your behavior. I will do no such thing. Paris has been a friend to the shaved pussy community for many years. Tarnishing her name would


The Sexiest Man Alive Is Steve Buscemi, Not That George Clooney Character
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear People Magazine,I believe you are mistaken and you owe me an apology. You recently voted George Clooney as the sexiest man alive for the 2nd time. I consider this an outrage of the highest degree, and I am not one who outrages easy, like...oh...I don't know...Faith Hill. I am normally very calm and collected. But after seeing George Clooney atop your list once again, I damn near crapped my pants. What does George Clooney have that I don't? Besides charisma? Sure, he has "rugged good looks" and I have "jagged facial features," but that's no excuse. Okay, so he has "soul-searching, baby-dog" eyes, and I have "eyes like a rapist," but is that so important? Maybe he has a "gigantic man-thing" between his legs and I have "concave genitalia," but I don't think that's a big deal. Basically, I'm the totally epitome of all that is sexy in the world, and George Clooney is just an undersized Brad Garrett. Trust me, you don't want that. So I beg of you, People Magazine, please reconsid
Read more: Steve , Alive , Character

Britney Spears Divorces Sperm Donor
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS PressBritney Spears , mother of two and white-trash idol to millions, has filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline, citing both irreconcilable differences and Federline's SPS (small penis syndrome). The couple had been married since 2004, when Ms. Spears apparently lost her sanity.Throughout their rocky tenure as wife and wife's bitch, the celebrity couple endured a particularly harsh beating from the media. One magazine referred to the couple as "a bunch of godless Sodomites" while another called them "a worse pairing than Brad Garrett and any clothing not freakishly sized." Federline, to his credit, was fertile and did produce two functioning human beings. Aside from that talent, however, he contributed little to the marriage.Spears first revealed her divorce in a subtle way, appearing on David Letterman last night without her wedding ring. She was less subtle later on in the evening when she was found dry humping an assistant producer. S
Read more: Sperm , Donor , Britney Spears

Michael J. Fox Shakes Finger, Whole Body In Anger At Rush Limbaugh
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Rush,I'm shaking with anger now. Just shaking all over the place. Shaking like an epileptic during a Mary Hart telethon. Shaking like A-Rod during a big game moment. Shaking like, well, like me. How could you accuse me of faking my ailment for the sake of politics? You sir, are a horrible man. I shake because I am sick, and I'm sick because I shake. There is no act. I don't go home and build semiconductors and conduct heart surgery. I go home and mix martinis for James bond. To mock what I suffer from is just plain petty. And pathetic. And putrid. And plain mean. You should be ashamed.Some things in life are just sacred, you know? My disease is one of those things. You know what's not? Your mom's vagina. Yeah, I just took it there. I can shake it, but can you take it? If you're enough of a man (I heard about those Viagra pills), maybe you'd be willing to settle this mano-a-mano. Just you, me, and Tina Yothers behind the schoolyard after 3. We're gonna make you pay, bitch.H
Read more: Michael , Whole , Limbaugh , Rush Limbaugh

Bob Barker to Neuter Self On Final Episode of Price is Right
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Source: HereLos Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS PressBob Barker , affable and decaying host of Price is Right , has finally decided to retire after 50 years on television, the last 35 of which with "Price." To punctuate his final day on the air, Mr. Barker plans to perform an on-air neutering on himself. For many years, the lovable and sexually aggressive host has urged people to spay and neuter their pets, ending every show with the same line, "Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered." According to sources close to Mr. Barker, the elderly TV host believes it's only fair if he finally went through with the same procedure."Bob's always been a fan of leadership by example," said a long-time friend who preferred to remain anonymous. "I remember when he gave me marital advice. He didn't just give me constructive criticism or tips on how to please my wife. He rolled up his sleeves and dove in there on my wife's baby-hole. I learned so much from watching him,
Read more: Final , Episode , Neuter , Bob Barker

I'll Show You What A Real Anti-Semite Is
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Gawker,You think Fake Jew over at Not Chosen, Just Posin' is an anti-semite? Ha...that's pretty funny. He's not even close to the anti-semite that I am. The problem is you're confusing ignorance with hatred. NC is ignorant of Jews. I hate them. He makes little jokes about "heebs" and other such things. I changed planets JUST to kill Jews. Simply putting him in the same league with me, or Mel Gibson, or Todd Bridges is offensive to me as an anti-semite. You see, I don't even capitalize the s in semite. That's how much I hate Jewish people. I didn't always hate "the tribesmen." Melmac, my home planet, used to be filled with Jewish ALFs. Lots of them (they were the REALLY hairy ones). My ex-girlfriend was Jewish, which did explain why she hated giving me ALF-jobs (that's what we called BJs on Melmac). Heck, my name is Gordon Shumway! Seriously, for the first 100 years of my life I loved Jewish people as much as black people love this couple. But then it happened.On what I li


Neil Patrick Harris To Release Gay Sex Tape
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS PressNeil Patrick Harris , who recently outed himself as a proud gay man, is planning to release a gay sex tape in late November to prove his total gayness. Harris, who in the early 1990s played the lovable abortion-giving doctor Doogie Howser, has become somewhat of a cultural icon in recent years with his urinate-in-your-trowsers-funny cameo in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. In this now famous cameo, Harris does illegal drugs and shamefully cavorts indecently with members of the opposite sex. Although the scene was poop-in-your-sock funny, sources indicate that Harris now regrets it.According to one source, "Neil was all set to come out of the closet a few years ago and tell the world that he had been happily dating Tom Cruise, but then he needed money to eat so he did the scene in Harold and Kumar. Even worse, Tom hooked up with Katie Holmes and ended his relationship with Neil. Well, not really, but at least he "officially" did. Anyway, h
Read more: Release

Whore to Spawn
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS PressParis Hilton, noted socialite and underwear designer for Britney Spears, has proclaimed her insatiable desire to have children. Hilton, who for years has been practicing to conceive a child or 400, feels its time she popped one out and started raising it as her own. Commenting to Life & Style Weekly, the socialite said: "It's been my dream to have four babies by 30. I look after animals, so I'dhave a lot to give my kids, like dog food and a leash."She later added:"The good news is that I've stretched out my vagina so much from frequent anonymous sex that the baby will practically fall out."Critics have condemned Ms. Hilton's desire to spawn as a potential form of cruel and unusual punishment to a child or children. Sources close to ex-boyfriend Nachos Rancheros indicate that he's not ready for children but is willing to try having them as long as Paris is willing to take birth control and wear a condom during sex. Ms. Hilton's parents,
Read more: Whore , Spawn

Lohan Boob Seen By Millions; Al Gore Claims Credit
1970-01-01 00:59:59
The "Boob Heard Round the World" can be found hereWashington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS PressIn a move sure to enrage Republicans, Democrats, and bow-tie fanatic Tucker Carlson, Al Gore claimed credit for enabling millions of people to view the precious and oh-so-wonderful boob of Lindsay Lohan . At an impromptu press conference called by his dolphin-wife Flipper Gore, the former Vice President said, "If I hadn't invented the Internet, none of you would have been able to witness the sheer majesty of a barely noticeable nipple on a 19 year old bulimic celebrity whore. My creation, the Internet, allowed you to find a random nipple so much quicker than the typical search through a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, previously the best source for inadvertently exposed nipples. So, give me some credit, eh?" Lohan was unavailable for comment on Mr. Gore's proclamation, but she was said to be devastated about the pictures as they let her fans down. One source close to the quasi-attractive-in


Advice from Nicole Richie to Janet Jackson
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Hey Janet ,Heard about the news. I know you're going to start "dieting" soon, so I just wanted to remind you that bulimia has two steps. You can't just splurge...ya gotta' purge. One thing I've found is that it helps to binge and purge on good food. Like, I recommend this wonderful Rachel Ray rosemary chicken recipe. It tastes great on the way down, and even BETTER on the way up. Enjoy!Purgingly Yours,Nicole Richie
Read more: Jackson , Nicole Richie , Janet Jackson

An E-mail From Nicole Richie to Lindsay Lohan
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Hi L-Dawg!Just wanted to check in and see how much you threw up today. I threw up 5 times!!! This is totally going to be a great day. Like, the last time I threw up 5 times before lunch I ended up meeting the cutest boy later that night. So hot. And I lost 3 pounds by the next day! I looked amazing. Okay...gtg. TTYL, hun.Love,NicoleP.S. I heard about the teacup thing. Hope you're feeling better, but what were you doing in Bryan Adams house? LOL!!! Like, he's even lamer than my dad. ROTFL!!!!
Read more: Lindsay , Lohan , Lindsay Lohan , Richie , Nicole Richie

Justice Ginsburg Recuses Self in Anna Nicole Smith Case
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS PressIn a stunning move, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg recused herself from the Anna Nicole Smith case on account of Justice Ginsburg herself being a former stripper. Justice Bader Ginsburg, or "Bader Bambi" as she was known in the trade, was a legendary stripper known for her acrobatic dances and knowledge of tort reform. Justice Ginsburg, who famously paid her way through law school with crisp single dollar bills stained with the sweat of desperate men, felt immediate compassion for the busty blonde bombshell. As such, she knew it would be impossible to be objective about the case. In a statement she said, "Before I put on these iconic robes, I spent a lot of time taking them off. I am therefore unfit to hear this case." Sources close to the case had indicated that a recusal was possible, but most thought it would come from Scalia or Thomas, who are regular attendants at many of the local clubs. Ms. Smith was, of course, dismayed at J


Can You Leg Press My Boobs, Pat?
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Dear Pat,Heard about the whole leg press thing. Quite impressive for an old geezer like you. I mean, not impressive enough for me to sleep with you. That's the other Playmate of the Year. But still impressive.So I've got a real challenge for you. You think you have enough strength to leg press my giant melons? Look at them. They're bigger than Nicole Richie. Not her boobs...her entire body. They've blocked the sun on various occasions causing drought and famine in third world countries. Think you have enough strength to press them? I doubt it. But it's up to you to show me, baby. Time for you to man up and leg press my Playmate of the Year boobs. Any time. I'll be waiting for you. XOXOXO,Victoria Silvstedt******************Original JLH PetitionTags: Victoria Silvstedt, Pat Robertson, Playmate of the Year, leg press, boobs
Read more: Press

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