Owner: Belinda Subraman: Mind and Experience URL:http://belindasubraman.livejournal.com/ Join Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2006 09:34:00 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: Private thoughts and experiences of a creative, artistic and compassionate mind. Main website: http://BelindaSubraman.com Edits: http://GypsyMag.com Podcast Art Shows: http://belinda_subraman.podpmatic.com Site statistics:Click here
Work, Love, Bed, and Podcasts! 2006-10-22 22:31:23 It has been awhile. Frankly my new job is exhausting. All I feel like doing when I get home is undressing and resting. This job averages about 50 hours a week and I haven't even been trained for all the responsibilities yet. Will I stay with it? I will for as long as I can. It takes a lot of time and patience to train someone. I owe them. I want to master my duties and responsibilities. I am receiving valuable training that could be used in any location. It would be unfair to cut and run. Besides, I make a decent living at this. But my life is melting away.The Paul drama continues. We remain friends with blurred lines and boundaries.My biggest news on the home front is that I now have a fancy, expensive Italian wrought iron bed. The headboard stands about 5 feet in the middle with lots of curls of iron work. The foot board and its curly design come up to about 3.5 feet. There are also decorative side rails reflecting the same curly design. I saw this same pattern stenc Read more:Podcasts
Unpaid vaction officially over! 2006-10-03 02:08:01 Today was my first day of orientation for my new management job at a first rate nursing center. It is exactly what I hoped for. It's a lot of work, mostly important paperwork but includes many duties of which I am barely being introduced to. I like the way the place is run. It seems very organized. It's very clean and attractive and the people are nice. I am very happy to be a part of it.Otherwise, I'm still a little under the weather. Severe allergies with heavy cold-like symptoms are abating but there is still a cough and I'm still on decongestants. I feel tired and a little spacey but I can still think and operate fairly well. I desperately want to be over this and not to be coughing around residents and staff who probably think I'm highly contagious. Concerning my podcasting, I had an interesting interview recently with a superb guitarist from Sarajevo. He talks about continuing to perform during the war. He carried a gun on his hip, used an emergency generator fo
The Art of Peace 2006-09-22 22:54:05 I just posted an interesting new podcast. I call it GAS 45: The Art of Peace
with Ail and Eric. Eric and Ali discuss some of the beliefs and practices of Islam and their work with the Institute of Interfaith Dialog. The IID is a non-profit organization whose primary goal is to help bring together the communities in order to promote compassion, cooperation, partnership and community service through interfaith dailog and conversation. It is dedicated to encouraging the study of the global communities' spiritual traditions from the vantage point of respect, accuracy and appreciation.You can snatch it form iTunes under the name Belinda Subraman Presents in the Podcast category or hear it directly from http://belinda_subraman.podomatic.com Ali and Eric are students from Turkey who are here on a Visa. They are gentle young men. It is interesting to hear what they have to say. This was a live recording in my home studio. I hope you will listen and recommend it to others.I have still no
Reflections on 9-11 2006-09-12 01:09:18 Five years ago I had been on call all night for hospice and was making a death call around 5:00 a.m. It was a particularly long visit because we could not get a call back from the medical examiner. Here's a piece I wrote not long after the date:September 11, 2001My day begins at 4:00 A.M.A patient has died.I go to Pronounce.Humility and compassion is the mood.The niece stays with me.We wait for the medical examiner to call back.We talk. She seems even more polished and kindthe more I get to know her.She tells me family history, shows me photos.She asks about me, learns how I came to be a nurse,that I am divorced but happyand somewhat fulfilled.Finally when the mortician comes we hug goodbye.She adds a kiss on the cheek and I return it.Intimate, poignant death!I walk out into the sunlightfeeling depth, satisfaction, compassion.A young man runs after mesaying something about a bomb.I say, "Oh someone made a bomb threat?""No, the World Trade Center has blown up and the Pentagon! Read more:Reflections
Birthday Thoughts 2006-09-07 06:01:55 I spent a couple of hours this a.m. catching up on my web sites and messages then about 4 hours going through more boxes in storage at Paul's weeding out what I could and loading up what I couldn't let go. I'm about ¾ done at this point. For every load I bring back to my place I have to be able to absorb so the weeding out continues here. Tomorrow morning I'm taking a car-load of stuff to a friend for her church fundraiser. A lot of it is pretty good stuff.My new friend, Sylvia, and I made arrangements to meet on my birthday at a Vietnamese restaurant called Pho and this we did. We had a lovely meal. She handed me a book on Reiki and said she would teach me level one. (She is a Master). We then went to Barnes and Nobles for coffee. I looked for a detailed map of Las Cruces and she looked for DVDs. We made arrangements to meet Sunday. I will meet her husband and see her home environment for the first time and then she will come over to my place and I will record her rea Read more:Birthday
What's Happening Now 2006-09-01 15:13:12 Now I'm seriously looking for a suitable nursing position. Vacation's over. I'm also rearranging many things in my life. That includes getting rid of a few junkie things in my apartment, giving away some good stuff and buying or building 2 large wooden cabinets for decent looking storage in my bedroom. I'm moving things I have been storing at Paul's house because that's what he wants. I am finished with having any of my stuff at anyone else's place. I was surprised and happy to hear me say this to a friend who made an offer for storage. I will take take of my own stuff now. My place no matter how humble it may be is my castle of goodwill to myself. I am whittling down my possessions. I don't need so many things any more. Last night I gave my young friend Betty a small pile of things for her new apartment. It's her first place on her own.Betty just made her first short documentary. It's an artsy piece on death and dying with clips of me talking about my hospice experien Read more:Happening
Goodbye Scotland and Ireland 2006-08-24 02:18:28 August 19,2006This morning was very slow. After typing a little, read a little, took several walks around the grounds, popped in on Stewart and Paul messing around with machinery, walked and read a little more.Around 2:00 p.m. we all set off for the Appin Agricultural Show which is an annual event in the village. It was as it sounded. There were prize winning sheep, Highlander cattle, prize winning fruit, vegetables and handicrafts, booths of fast food and alcohol. There was a stage where children did Scottish dances accompanied by a bag piper. All were in kilts and full attire. The closing event was a Sheath Toss ( which I had humorously misunderstood as a Sheep Toss). Brave men and boys were called up to toss a hay filled bag with a pitch fork over a bar attached to a large machine. The height started around 10 feet. The bar was next raised to around 15 feet which was too high for everyone. It was then lowered to around 12 feet. We stood in light rain during the last half Read more:Goodbye
, Scotland
, Ireland
On the Western Shores of Scotland 2006-08-20 10:35:43 August 18, 2006After a simple breakfast Maggie Ann went out for an errand. Paul and I were going to take a walk but we started talking to Stewart. He got more and more interesting as we listened. He's been an avid sailor since he was a young boy in Australia. When he lost his parents he was accepted on board a ship, along with many other boys, as part of the crew of a ship that became very famous during World War II. His very good friend (like a son) Dario Francitti (number 2 in Indy 500 circuit) and his wife, Ashley Judd, surprised him on his birthday last year with a tour of the very same ship he worked on as a child. According to him he corrected the tour guide about every aspect of the ship. Rooms had been labelled wrong and many other facts were off. In essence he became the tour guide. He showed us digital pictures from this day (including aforementioned famous people). Maggie Ann gave him a fabulous cake in the shape of the ship (ship-shape!) He told us many excitin Read more:Scotland
, Western
, Shores
Scotland via Luxembourg, Amsterdam and Dublin 2006-08-19 10:48:26 August 15, 2006We said goodbye to Anna, Isaac, and John at the Luxembourg
airport. Anna and I held each other for a long time. It could easily be another two years before we see each other again. Although airline madness continues we were able to board with carry on luggage surely because we were travelling from one European Union country to another. After a one hour flight we had a 3.5 hour layover in Amsterdam
. We passed it pleasantly in the large airport. During this time I discovered that the man with the scary eyes and wiry hair stamped on KLM cream and sugar is Rembrandt and that Heineken is Holland's Budweiser (remembering some Americans' snobbery around the brand). It was interesting to look up and see the flight boards announcing flights to every major city in the world. If I didn't feel like a world citizen at this point, I never would. I did.We arrived in Dublin
in the early evening. Tom and Sara picked us up. Bless their hearts. We had somehow overlooked that Read more:Scotland
Bitburg via Dublin, Amsterdam and Luxembourg 2006-08-14 16:59:55 August 11,2006After a pleasant chat over breakfast Sarah and Tom took us the airport again for our journey to Germany. We discovered our bags were 3 pounds overweight but with a wink and a nod we were told we were okay. That's friendly, laid back Ireland.Paul and I slept through this one-hour hop to Amsterdam
. It seemed the entire journey would go well. When we landed we had barely one hour to find our gate for Luxembourg
. On the outset it seemed like plenty of time but the more we walked through the labyrinth we realized we would be lucky to make it in time. We were following the signs and we were not lost but we made left turns, right turns, went upstairs, then downstairs, then upstairs, then down stairs, right, left. We made it about 5 minutes before the bus left to take us out to the plane (another surprise). As we got off the bus to board in the middle of a field I noticed Fokker 50 written on the wing which certainly reminded me of a very funny American movie called "Me Read more:Dublin
Dublin: Heros, Grey Skies, Clouds of Terror 2006-08-11 20:11:28 August 9 2006We arrived in Dublin
around 9:30 this a.m. Paul's old friends, Sarah and Tom, were waiting for us. I had only exchanged one email with Sarah and did not have any real impression of her. She greeted me with a warm hug and kiss and Tom was also very warm. I knew right away everything would be good. After we arrived at their house and were given the house tour we soon were taken on the local tour around Rush and other nearby villages. The sea was always around the bend, the weather very mild, probably upper sixties with a cool wind and light rain. We visited Ardgillan castle with wonderful, flower, herb and vegetables gardens and acres of green lawn freely used for gatherings. Multi colored, cascading flowers were everywhere. Everything was charming.In the evening Sarah made a lovely dinner of chicken breasts, Queens potatoes, mixed vegetables and stuffed tomatoes. When I thought the meal was over and I was quite satisfied, Sarah served fresh strawberries and whipped Read more:Heros
, Skies
, Clouds
, Terror
2006-08-08 00:06:48 Well this little bloglist button is supposesed to keep track of how many people visit. I think you have to click on it to register as well as the one below. The weird thing is I think I originally said it was private and did not get an RSS feed although I think it's available through Live Journal. If I have one I don't know where it's located.I'm off to Ireland tomorrow morning. It has been a few years since I've been out of the country. This should be interesting. I'll write a few notes from there.
Big Changes, Outward Bound 2006-08-02 20:21:26 Much has happened. On the very day I decided to leave the hospice cooperation where I have worked for over five years I got an incredible email from a lady named Sylvia Thompson. She is a poet living in El Paso who had sent some of her work to Gerald England and his online mag who happens to be in England. He told her about me, said she might want to get in touch. Soon after I received another email stating that she "isn't usually a pest but" the more she read the more she saw we had in common. She was a poet in El Paso, had been a CNA in the past as I had before nursing school, was into new age approaches and meditation but the real grabber was her statement that she had Stage 4 colon cancer and may be needing hospice soon. I asked her to send her phone number. She did and within a few minutes we were talking. I met her at a coffee shop within a couple of hours after that. Much was swirling in our heads about many things. We seemed to hit it off.Yesterday El Paso flooded Read more:Bound
Aunt Kat 2006-06-27 08:57:25 My Aunt Kat died yesterday morning. I found out last night just before my internet cable service went out. Just a week ago I saw her in a dream. She was telling me some suggestions about hospice. Something like as a patient worsens the circle should widen around the patient, that more relatives should be informed. She was a white haired lady with the beautiful face she had a forty. I had never seen her with white hair but her face is how I remembered it when I was much younger and lived in the same community. It was understood that I was being allowed in some dimension that was not usually allowed. It was understood, with love, that I would be humble and grateful for this meeting. Much of the dream I do not remember but the last scene was Aunt Kat on an elevator just before the door was to be closed. It was only at that moment that I realized exactly who it was and how special it was to have this kind of communication. I have strong memories of her beauty and kindness. It w
Little Notes, Music Too! 2006-06-01 23:55:27 I've had a few interesting interviews lately. I'll be posting the one with Neil Rosengarden in a couple of days at http://www.belinda_subraman.podomatic.com Neil got his start in music by performing with Al Hirt on a national Thanksgiving special many years ago. Since then he has performed or recorded with just about every name in the business. Just posted today is Music
of the Universe 19, which is my favorite music show so far. Last night I interviewed Alex Cash, a good singer/songwriter in his own right but who has sang with and engineered Van Morrison among many others. Monday I interviewed Frank Wilson, Book Review editor for the Philadelphia Inquirer, I think since the 80s. We talked briefly about The DaVinci Code, I told him that my friend Sonja said it was like a Nancy Drew book for adults and he laughed and told me to pay his compliments to her. Last Wednesday I interviewed Todd Sheets, a horror movie writer and director who also has a syndicated radio show called Ni Read more:Notes
My Life at This Moment 2006-05-10 04:49:16 I received two packages of multiple cds today. One was from Extremo the Clown. I thought paper worms might jump out when I opened the box but na. Besides the cds there was a surprise though…a green hand painted plaster skull. Guess I'll put it in my Day of the Dead collection. I haven't heard the cds yet but will in a few days. But how many people can say today they got a gift of a green skull!Paul has been away for over a week but will be back this Sunday. I have missed him so much. I managed to have a good day last Saturday though. I drove the country roads to Mesilla, about 40 miles away, and took a few photos along the way and back as well as a few at a festival for Cinco de Mayo. I took myself out to lunch and enjoyed my company just fine. While waiting for the festivities to begin several people came up to talk to me. One older couple sat down beside me and talked about an hour and a half. Just simple relaxed communion. I had friendly approachable vibs…on that da Read more:Moment
2006-04-17 16:38:09 Ken Clinger sent me chart information for TapeGerm Collective which tells how many songs, how many plays, etc. There's a lot more going on there than I thought. This info makes my being #1 all this past week more meaningful. It's hard to believe that Ken and I have been working together, off and on, for about 25 years. Our first projects were cassettes sent back and forth across the Atlantic Ocean. I would never have met him if I had not been doing Sanctuary Tape Series. I had put out a call through various friends and publications for original music and poetry to be sent to me in Germany and one day a beautiful music cassette came from K.C. We did not collaborate right away but I thought enough of his music to put out a tape just of him as well as putting his music on various compilations. Somewhere in the first year or two one of us made the suggestion and I sent him a cassette made with whatever equipment I had at the time. These pieces live on SoundClick even now and are
Talking 2006-03-23 19:06:03 So much has been happening. I've had several incredible interviews this past week. One was with Susan McKeowon a beautiful and charming Irish singer who has received reviews in Time Magazine and Rolling Stone. She's been on Prairie Home Companion, All Things Considered and CBS This Morning and has recorded with Natalie Merchant.Just last night I interviewed Paul Zollo both a talented singer / songwriter / musician and accomplished and well known music journalist who has written several books of which the latest is Conversations with Tom Petty. Over the years he has interviewed countless greats including Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, Leonard Cohen, Carole King , Madonna, Jackson Browne, Donovan, David Byrne, Brian Wilson and so on.I continue to put my music show together fresh every week. I'm getting mp3s in my email and CDs in my P.O. Box. I long for more listeners though. I'm doing all I can think of to spread the word. This is the most exciting thing I'm doing now and it' Read more:Talking
North Carolina and Flowers for the Living 2006-03-08 02:30:18 I recently spent some time in NC with my parents and brothers. It's a hard day travel there and back. So the airlines won't lose money you get routed all over the U.S. On the way there we had a stop in Austin and plane change in Orlando. On the way back there was a plane change in Chicago. There was a snow storm and we came close to spending the night in the airport. We got by with a de-icing and since we were heading south they must have reasoned we'd be okay. We had another stop in Austin and then on to El Paso. Tack a 3 hour car ride to and from Raleigh onto that and you see how it's a long day of travel.It's always a mixed bag of emotions and contrasts going back to the home place. It's hard to believe so much of life has gone by. It's hard to see my father having so much trouble with his breathing. It's interesting to see my two estranged brothers who I have no communication with outside of NC visits. Everyone seems to be doing okay. Everyone is making Read more:Living
, North
, Carolina
, Flowers
, North Carolina
Hospice, Radio and Websites 2006-02-26 02:04:33 I'm almost breathless with almost too much work, but beautiful, exciting work. That is the work for Bzoo radio. Since I am gone all next week to visit my parents in North Carolina I've had to prepare for and engineer 6 shows. This is also the week I published Gypsy Mag 3. It looked perfect and all the links were correct and then I published it and the links went haywire. How embarrassing and weird! I put in a distress message to my hosting company but they are in England and it was probably the middle of the night and no one was answering. I woke up at 3:00 a.m (which is per usual lately) and saw my first attempt at an answer. We emailed back and forth until 6:00 a.m. Finally things got squared away. For all of this and I am grateful...and tired.I had a death this week, which is always poignant and one patient whose family revoked him for aggressive testing because one of the children just could not believe that all of the patient's problems were due to the disease pro Read more:Radio
, Websites
Talk at work and work as talking 2006-02-02 05:49:00 My head is spinning. Did I think I didn't have enough to do? I've started my third show series. It is called Life on Earth , a lifestyle show. I'm looking for passion and commitment and what makes people tick. I put together my first show tonight with a Peace activist who has been to Iraq and who has recently returned from the Pentagon. I'll interview Sunny, the passionate Vegan tomorrow night.Hospice work has been slow with the census down, so while I'm in my uniform and badge (and off the clock) but ready to go out if called, I've been working some on these projects.How about a weird hospice story: On of my patients told about his wife's father and a friend who owed him money. Just so happens the freind had an artificial leg that he often took off and laid beside him when he was comfortable in a friends house or at home. Granted the story was a little muddled and I'm not sure where the man was but his wife's father took his leg when he wasn't looking or w
Computer Agonies, Broken Bones and Wishes 2006-01-12 00:21:17 I have been having computer agonies. In an attempt to improve my computer security on my new and developing network I began to be denied access to my own computer. My friend forgot to copy my profile so it didn't recognize me. With a lot of agony and hours most things got patched up but my mail. All the folders and address book within were wiped out. After talking to Roadrunner we realized my mail had not been saved on the server. The hardest thing is losing the address book and folders with important passwords. It feels like my wallet was stolen. I can recover addresses and get new passwords after some time and a lot of clicks but 15 folders full of various correspondences are gone forever, some of which I considered important for future reference. I had already settled down with all this computer stuff and was not finding it nearly as exciting and now it's back to feeling routine. That's probably a good thing. It can't be healthy to lean so much on a computer. Just Read more:Wishes
, Computer
, Broken
, Bones
Christmas has passed 2005-12-28 22:43:17 Christmas has passed
. I'm sure there were many momentous things I could have reported but I will keep to the recent past. Sunny, my daughter and her partner, Avi, drove in from Hollywood and stayed 4 days with us. It was a precious and pleasant time. We saw Memoirs of a Geisha together, played board games, went to dinner and had a bountiful Christmas gift exchange. They left the a.m. after Christmas because they had to get back to work on Tuesday.Anna, my other daughter, called us from Germany on Christmas Eve and we each held a phone so I guess that was a conference call. She seemed to be doing okay and we talked about the real possibility of meeting in Europe next year.On Christmas day we watched a DVD Paul had put together of Anna's visit last summer with Isaac. Sunny was also with us a few days. That, too, was a magical time etched on my heart. So Anna was with us this Christmas. We seem to forget how important we are to each other as we go about our separate lives and Read more:Christmas
My Space, Your Space, Everybody's Space 2005-12-15 03:36:30 On Monday I joined My Space
network in order to network more easily with singer/ songwriter/ musicians and poet/ writers. There is an incredible amount of amazing talent out there. So much so, that I am actively looking for MP3s from this great pool of talent to play and promote on a new show called Music of the Universe. It's a simple title with several meanings for me. The most literal one refers to the fact that talent is out there in every country. It's not that they are all hooked up to the internet. But many countries are and like the U.S. it is a daily part of their lives. I can access millions this way and so can others.Last night I interviewed Christine Anderson. I was a little unsure what I would think of her but I felt motherly, actually and found her charming and innocent in many ways although judgemental types would think differently. This young lady was a child prodigy at age nine and played solo with the Portland Symphony at age eleven. Now after a series of Read more:Everybody
Las Vegas Fantasy, Friendship, LOVE and Technology 2005-12-08 00:01:14 Dec. 1-5 I went on a road trip with Paul. We had a wonderful time. We spent a night in Arizona , 3 nights in Las Vegas
("V.I.P.s" at the Aladdin) and a night in NM on the way back. The second or 3rd floor of the Aladdin was transformed into a fantasy "Arabian Nights" setting complete with Moorish fortress, "ancient" shops, blue skies overhead, and the occasional pedicab. Walking there was like appearing in a Disney movie, which is exactly what I like most about Vegas. I couldn't care less about gambling. Though I did buy a way overpriced "color wheel" clock from The Museum of Modern Art from one of those "ancient" shops. I enjoy it very much and it's better than having thrown it away in a slot machine.The best part of the trip was visiting with Paul's brother, Ron, his wife, Kim, Kim's uncle Glen and her best friend, Kurt. We also had a nice visit with artist, Bob, another family friend. Ron and Kim recently bought a very expensive acre of land high u Read more:Friendship
, Technology
, Las Vegas
Probably the Truth (Probably a Poem) 2008-01-07 16:35:23 Probably the Truth
All my lifemy being has beenintense drama in my preceptors:ultra passions withmulti-layered meaningand sensations.All the awesome beauty I've endured,laughed and criedthrough the stratosphere...I believed it was sharedand understood. People reacted tomy warmth and lovebut they were not therewith mebut trapped in their own meaningsand needs.Neither was I there for thembut trapped in my wild pleasuresand weighted misplacements. It is the illusions we sharenot the actual path.The most fantastic journeyeach must take alone. -- and spoken word by Belinda and friends, news, blog and links to great sites Click to hear show and view show descriptions and photos. networking site full of fun Read more:Probably
No title 2008-01-05 17:19:12 I am now living in Ruidoso, New Mexico. I hope to update this journal more often now.I will continue to post interviews at is a listener’s note:I just heard your Podcast with Antoine Bacha. I challenge you or anyone else to make sense of that load of claptrap. The future and past are all just memories? Stuff that hasn't happened yet is actually a memory, huh? How does that explain the frequent difference between what I hope for and what I actually get? Why didn't you ask him how that lines up with various ideas about free will? The guy heard voices while he was being tortured and we're supposed to believe that the voices he heard were something more than a dissociative response to extreme mental and physical anguish? Bull. There are perfectly good psychological explanations for what ha
Billy Joe Royal and me 2007-10-06 09:19:26 You can hear my interview with Billy
Joe Royal
and a few of his new songs at Raised in Marietta, Georgia, Royal became a local singing sensation at Savannah, Georgia's Bamboo Ranch in the 1950s and 1960s. He is best known for the 1965 Top Ten pop hit "Down in the Boondocks," which, along with the singles "I Knew You When" (Top 20, 1965) and "Hush" (1967), were written and produced by Joe South. His 1969 single, "Cherry Hill Park," peaked at number 15 on the Billboard Hot 100.During the 1980s, Royal scored a comeback with several Top 10 country hits, including "Tell It Like It Is," "Burned Like a Rocket," and "I'll Pin a Note on Your Pillow."When his rejuvenated career as a country music hitmaker quieted down, he followed up with bookings throughout the 1990s in large country music bars a
Contrasts and Similarities of Life and Death 2007-09-23 17:03:22 Once again it has been a long time. I know there are a few loved ones who check here for news. The thing is I work more than full time and in addition I’m on call 50 percent of every second in my life. It is too much. When I get home I crash but remember 50 percent of that time I’m subject to go out anywhere in the county at any hour and I do. There is no sum of money to equal the sacrifice.I continue with health problems and I’m certainly another victim of our evil, money grubbing health care (lack of) system. However, I will pay the full amount for a re-pap to rule out cancer as suggested by my doctor, especially since I have all the signs and symptoms of endometrial cancer. Hopefully I’ll come out okay but if not I’ll do whatever is necessary. Every day is different with Read more:Similarities
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