Owner: News from Broken Springs URL:http://berriensprings.blogspot.com Join Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2006 04:42:50 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: "News from Broken Springs" is inspired by actual news in my small hometown. It was created after the June Police Commission meeting in order to draw attention in a wry and humorous way to the present issues of local politics. Crucial to NFBS's beliefs is Site statistics:Click here
Oops 2006-10-20 08:53:00 There are unbleeped versions on Youtube...
Potent and Impotent 2006-10-18 14:27:00 Things have quieted down on the local front, ever since the Underground went underground. Police Commission meetings have gotten so tedious I've opted out of them the last two months. What can I say? Times are busy. Other obligations arise. My life has lately been consumed by real politics, work, and the fall season premiers of my favorite television shows. Oh yes. It's a strange time in life when your favorite actor on tv is a presumed dead member of the mongoose family.In the neighboring town of Buckville, they're about to make the same mistake we made last year in Broken Springs. The school board is negotiating a contract with Laidlow Inc., a private company originally from Canada which will bust up the driver and custodial unions and therefore save the school precious dinero. This is much preferred to cutting the pork out of the budget for the higher ups on the totem pole. If anyone cares enough about the safety and well being of local children, they might want to attend the Read more:Potent
, Impotent
B&E Sting Botched 2006-10-14 07:30:00 Turns out "burglar" lived there…
When part time Broken Springs officer Keith Mauve noticed a dark skinned male moving suspiciously on the property across the street from where Mauve was moonlighting as a very tardy gas man, he thought he was witnessing a crime in progress. But his impromptu sting operation fell apart when he discovered that the cell phone clipped to his belt was dead. Frantically, as if he'd inhaled too many gas fumes, he pounded on the door of the house where he was working, but to his dismay the single woman inside wouldn't let a stranger like him in to use her phone. Not wishing to blow his undercover status as a police officer, Mauve withheld his true identity and attempted to push his way into the house anyway. But thanks to Geritol, the tiny woman was stronger than she looked and he was unable to carry through with his plan. Frustrated, he told her she was going to blow everything and because he'd just installed a gas line, the woman thought he was t Read more:Sting
, Botched
Police Commission Meeting 2006-10-12 04:56:00 There was a packed house for this month's meeting. It was standing room only, but only because there were no chairs. Other than the three commissioners (plus the secretary and the attorney) there were five audience members. Next month they should consider charging at the door.Mayor Jan Chaddwick was absent. Probably had another stroke.Commission
er Bob Frugal doesn't sound so good either. They said he had shaking grapes syndrome.Amidst all of this excitement, the minutes from the last meeting are accepted, as are the bills. The financial report was thrown out the window, though. Just kidding. It was accepted as well.Chief Thief Kingston says that complaints were up 3% this month, most of them probably about the police department.Attorney Amnesia then talks very boringly about retirement funding. His discourse is so boring, I want to retire. He insists that the police department is under-funded while the fire department is over-funded. Personally I'm just dum-funded. Everyone knows Read more:Police
Waterboarding: America's New Pastime 2006-09-28 08:59:00 And now, a special treat for our regular readers…Local Broken Springs resident Dick Commando illustrates why America
is the land of the free and the home of the brave…Dear Editor,I've had it up to my bloodshot eyeballs with those Constitution loving, tree huggin' "Americans" who can't understand the imperative value of torture in today's dangerous, terroristical society, where evil lurks in every dark corner. I'm also tired of "leaders" like Hugo Chavez stealing away our freedom of speech (like the immigrants do our jobs) only call our President an alcoholic Lucifer. We all know that Hillary's the devil, not Bush.Let me remind anyone bored enough to read my tedious tripe that America is so popular we have to build electric fences to keep people out, not the other way around. We're the only real free country in the world, and most European countries, for example, wouldn't know freedom if it bit them in their big, smelly noses. Freedom is the right to buy assa Read more:Pastime
Township Council Pines for Tree Solution 2006-09-21 08:54:00 If the electric company cuts down a tree in the township and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
The Onoyoko township board certainly did Tuesday night, as they discussed the right to cut down trees with the community affairs official for IMP (Indiana Michigan Power). It wouldn't be going out on a limb to say that several council members are barking mad at the company's tree trimming and removal procedures.
IMP's community affairs officer Harry Palms was caught off guard at the monthly meeting, as questions many residents and township council members threw his way left him looking stumped and a bit like a sap. He defended his company's program, insisting that careful tree trimming and removal is both necessary and crucial in serving over a hundred thousand customers who swamp the phone lines every time their microwave's clock needs to be reset. Citing an example of another such inconvenience, Palm explained, "We recently removed a tree whose roots had inte Read more:Solution
, Township
, Council
Police Commission Meeting 2006-09-12 08:59:00 Please note: Your own Shallow Throat was unable to attend this month's police commission meeting. Nor were any of her minions able to attend, due to unforeseen circumstances that involve that ugly four letter W word. But in the spirit of tradition, the blog must go on, which means only one thing: Everything you're about to read is pure horse manure, totally uninspired by real events that took place at this month's police commission meeting. Chin up, dear readers… this account is bound to be much more interesting.The meeting was called to order at approximately 7:02, after a moment of silence for the victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks five years ago. Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust remarked that he cannot believe it's been five years already and Mayor Jan Chaddwick replied with a very original and witty "Time flies" comment, being sure to forget to add, "when you're having fun"Chief Kingston was draped in compliments from both the commission and blood rela Read more:Police
, Commission
Suicidal Vampire Out of Options 2006-10-31 10:50:00 Immortality comes back to bite a despondent blood drinker.
One hundred thirty eight year old David Hollowell once savored the idea of living forever. Born in the French Quarter of New Orleans in 1867, he grew up in America's flourishing southern city known for its music, food, and extravagant night life. In the city's most famous cemetery, the Saint Louis, Hollowell drew his last mortal breath at the tender mortal age of 33. And for over a century he never regretted his choice to hand over mortality for an eternity of pallid skin and blood breath. But recently his situation has turned grave. He joined me for an interview from his exquisite Broken Springs two room Main Street Apartment.
"The hardest adjustment," the tall vampire told News from Broken Springs, over a bottle of Sangria Wine, "was sleeping in a coffin. I can't tell you how many nights I awoke with a stiff neck and aches in my lower extremities. Luckily the one who made me had a brother who was a Chiropractor, and his s Read more:Suicidal
, Vampire
, Options
Close to home 2006-11-03 06:19:00
Attention all readers:
Please be sure to watch Friday's episode of Dr. Phil (5PM CBS). The story should hit close to home. From the Dr. Phil website:
Shocking Accusations
Bonii, a desperate grandmother sent Dr. Phil a video showing how her 3-year-old granddaughter, Kaylee, hysterically reacts when she leaves and returns from visits with her father, Jeremy. Bonii and her daughter Krista, Kaylee's mom, are accusing Jeremy of molesting Kaylee for the last year. Jeremy says he's innocent, and Bonii and Krista are coaching Kaylee to say bad things about him. Both sides bring video to prove their point. What does Dr. Phil think of the parents' actions? In a dramatic move, he calls a time out during the middle of the show to have one-on-one converstaions with each parent. Are Jeremy and Krista being honest with Dr. Phil? They agree to be put to the test. Dr. Phil vows to find out the truth, and make sure Kaylee has a safe home.
For more information, please visit: helpkaylee.com
To wa Read more:Close
Voter Guide 2006-11-07 11:24:00 Today is election day, and if you're anything like me (let's hope not) you'll be whistling over your morning breakfast at the thought of taking part in the wonderful democratic practice. Election day is my Superbowl Sunday. Every second Tuesday in November I'm like a baby in a titty bar. And if you think about it, it's a lot like legalized gambling. Only you can't win money… just good policies. And you can't really lose anything that you haven't already lost. At least not immediately. I mean other than your soul... but who needs a soul?Our very own Journalistic Error had a "VoterGuide
" enclosed this week, assuring that those of us too stupid to make up out own minds could still take part in the democratic process. Because I know that a lot of people are guilted into voting, I'm here to offer my help as well. Here are some things to keep in mind when you cast your ballots today. And because this is a satirical publication, some of the following will fly in the f
Local Man Cleared by Police Chief 2006-11-10 14:32:00 A local man accused of sexually molesting his toddler daughter was recently cleared by the local police after being thrown to the wolves on last week's nationally syndicated Dr. Bill talk show. Jeremiah Narc was given full custody of not only his daughter, but his ex-girlfriend's twelve other children in a ruling made by Judge Babs Ragginmore. The ruling came as a complete shock to the mother, her family and friends, and nearly 300 million other people nationwide. But one person who was not surprised was Broken Springs PoliceChief
Jim Kingston.
"There are two sides to every story. I'm just happy I could assist in administering justice," he said before a crowded press conference held in front of the Village Hall. "Mr. Narc is a nice young man unfairly accused. I'm only relieved I helped clear his good name before Oprah got ahold of him"
Jeremiah's story was broadcast nation-wide last week after his daughter's troublemaker grandmother sent the Dr. Bill show tapes o Read more:Local
Only in Arkansas... 2006-11-14 13:59:00 Jay Leno and Chicken CPR MUST WATCH! FUNNY | Send To Friends | Animation Videos at JibJab Read more:Arkansas
Shocking Break Up! Township Dumps Village 2006-11-16 14:27:00 Forget Britney and K-Fed… this is the real matrimonial meltdown
After thirty five years of serious courting, the Broken Springs Village
Council and the Onoyoko Township
Board have decided to sever all ties. The divorce was finalized at Tuesday night's Township Board meeting, but the rocky relationship fell into the sewer many years ago.
"It wasn't an easy decision," says Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust. "But I was getting tired the constant nagging and all of the arguments. Sure, the makeup sex was nice, but a healthy relationship needs love and respect as its foundation, not a box of Trojan XLs and a bottle of Viagra," added the feisty old coot.
Sources close to the couple insist finances also played a factor in the split.
"Every relationship is a learning experience," commented Township representative Bob Frugal. "This one taught me that the key to compatibility is separate bank accounts"
Among the many disagreements between the two municipalities, the bi Read more:Break
, Dumps
Worst police dog in the world. 2006-12-01 12:26:23
Pluto the police dog is useless. His handler is pretty poor too(with all respect).
Potent and Impotent 2006-12-06 10:19:00 Wow… Broken Springs is now famous. Thanks to Dr. Phil, the random googler searching our fair city will now suspect that we're all a bunch of white trash perverts. Is it true that Michael Jackson has bought property here?I want to thank the many people who have approached me and/or my family about these silly articles I write. It means a lot to me that I can bring a smile to your face in the midst of dreary reality. The way I see it is Broken Springers have earned the comic relief.I'd like to give literative fellatio to Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust for finally growing a pair in regards to the Police Commission. For too long we've spoiled the Village with double representation. Make them grovel, Ernimator. That's what they get for playing the safety card.Winter is almost here and haven't we all missed it? I don't know about everyone else, but I'm looking forward to seeing that huge pile of plowed snow across the street from the Post Office. There's nothing that Read more:Potent
, Impotent
Santa Coming to Coyote's Bar and Grille 2006-12-07 12:05:00 On Friday, December 15th, Santa
and his servant elves will drop into Broken Springs, according to a press release from the North Pole. According to the Top Secret Yuletide Memo, Santa himself will be unable to attend the event, due to an unforeseen outbreak of gonorrhea. But a Santa replacement will be on hand to sit in for Big Red. This year that honor goes to local national Dr. Phil celebrity, Jeremiah Narc. From 4 to 7, any area children will be able to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. Area kids will also be able to get their mug shot taken with him and for an extra ten dollar charitable donation to Chief Kingston's Christmas Care Bear Foundation, local parents can buy a trip for their offspring in Santa's sled, which is currently Jeremiah's uninsured rusty green Ford Bronco with expired license plate tags.
"Just remember Christmas Care Bear is not yet officially registered with the state, so claim the donations on your taxes at your own risk," rem Read more:Coyote
Police Committee Meeting 2006-12-12 08:59:00 Since there is no longer a Police
Commission, meetings are now informally held at ten in the morning on the second Monday of each month. Why they chose this time is beyond me, but I'm cool with it because it doesn't interfere with my pool league. As a result of the split, the women of the former Commission are no longer allowed to sit at the front table, although they"re still unfortunately allowed in the door. Curly Headed Sandy's spot at the front table was taken by the new Police Committee
Attorney, Bob Grandluff, who doesn't dress nearly as stylishly as former Commission Attorney, Charlie Amnesia. But to his credit, he also didn't show up late. In Jan Chaddwick's chair there remained only the imprint of her butt cheeks from the last meeting. That sight alone was worth getting up early for.There are new rules, as well. The new Committee isn't allowed to vote. Their job is merely to recommend proposals to the Township Board based on informal discussions. With this in
Police Thief Still Chief 2006-12-25 08:22:00 Questions linger about local charity and Chief
's webbed feet...For most people in Broken Springs, Christmas means many things. It's the time of year to spread holiday cheer, or at least refrain from killing those who almost run you down at Walmart. It's a time of giving instead of not giving a damn, and it's a time when every house has a surplus of chocolate and sugar coated candies, usually stuffed in tiny stockings and given as last minute gifts. But for many in our fair city, Christmas is also a time to donate to a local well known charity run by a local well known ordinary Joe, only his name ain't Joe and it turns out he ain"t so ordinary. The charity is Operation Christmas Care Bear and the Ordinary Joe is Police
Chief Jim Kingston.Unfortunately for those few generous Broken Springers with an IQ in the triple digits, if their charitable donation to Operation Christmas Care Bear is just a ploy for a tax deduction during America's second favorite holiday, Tax Day, the n Read more:Thief
Brown Socks 2006-12-25 20:06:00 This story is a part of the Spec the Halls contest for speculative winter holiday-themed fiction, artwork, and poetry. You may find descriptions of and links to other entries at http://www.aswiebe.com/specthehalls.html
It was Christmas morning when I decided to kill Santa. He brought me socks again, you see. And they're brown socks, as if being socks isn't bad enough already. My sister got exactly what she wanted - a Barbie doll with a pink corvette. Yes, she stuck it in my face before the wrapping was all of the way off. "See what I got from Santa?," she said. "What did you get, Brian? Huh? What did you get, huh, huh?" I held up my brown socks. The pink corvette flew by them like an airplane. Left behind in its exhaust were my brown, ugly ass socks.
Mom and Dad say I shouldn't say such words. Profanity is not fitting for an 8 year old boy, my mom says. Neither is murder, I'd assume. But you can bet your ass I'll kill that damn Santa for bringing me those ugly bro Read more:Brown
, Socks
Wig Thief Escapes by a Hair: Later Netted 2007-01-03 09:26:00
After escaping capture by a hair last week, the wig thief who has terrorized downtown Broken Springs has finally been netted. The arrest was made after the suspect was spotted sweeping up hair clippings from a local hair salon. Samuel Kevin Browning was apprehended on charges of hair theft, destruction of personal property, and fleeing and eluding a police officer. If convicted of these violations, Browning could face up to five years in a federal penitentiary and many more years of psychological counseling to cope with his inevitable public ridicule.
"I'm so relieved that menace is off the streets," said 87-year-old Claire Thompson, clutching desperately at her curly brown locks. "My girlfriends and I were scared to go out at night"
Browning's reign of terror, dubbed locally as the "Hair Scare' began earlier this month when Browning, a former Cub Scout and avid Chia Pet collector, began robbing unsuspecting older women of their wigs in random Broken Springs restaura Read more:Thief
Reno 911: Miami 2007-01-04 07:01:00 In movie theaters February 23...
Read more:Miami
Police Commission Meeting 2007-01-09 07:56:00 In the second consecutive Monday Morning meeting, nothing much happened. The Township attorney, like nearly the rest of Broken Springs, was out of town. And the most noticeable change in the Commission
itself was the presence of its newest member, Sue Frettin,' who made her presence known by the 35 questions she posed to the Chief throughout the meeting.At the start of the meeting, the bills and financial report were not ready, but by the end of the meeting, the secretary had them passed out to be voted on.The Chief's report was the same old thing, as well. The Broken Springs PD was, as usual, "extremely busy" Complaints were up five percent.There was a complaint that Dickie's restaurant was putting too many eggs in their omelets. The Department had to check it out. Another complaint concerned Subweigh skimping out on the meat on their six inch Steak and Cheese. And most importantly, the Teeny Tiny Bakery was accused of omitting jelly from their jelly donuts. All complaints w Read more:Police
Police Puzzled by Recent Burglaries 2007-01-18 05:20:00 The Broken Springs Police
Department doesn't often get their panties in a twist investigating local crime. Small town criminals usually possess an IQ lower than President Bush's approval rating, so it's often a simple thing to crack the workings of a small mind, especially working with a small town mentality. But the latest string of robberies has the local PD scratching their balding heads in bewilderment.Two weeks ago, several residents began having their personal vehicles broken into as they've been parked in Broken Springs. One lady had all of her mascara and a pair of beige pantyhose stolen. A man living on Crass street had his three string banjo taken from his "79 Ford Pickup. And a pair of twins attending college had a crucifix taken off their review mirror, and a half eaten ham sandwich stolen from atop their dashboard. In each case, the burglar has busted either the windshield or a back window to gain entry into the cars, and in every case, he's left behind a most Read more:Recent
Potent and Impotent 2007-01-28 08:17:00 Merry Christmas everybody!
I don't know about the rest of you but this weather makes me want to shop "til I drop. Fortunately for my wallet, the weather also makes me avoid traveling on anything with wheels, especially in Broken Springs where hand gestures trump street signs. Just tonight I saw someone stopped on Fairy at Main Street, as if the intersection was a four way stop.
To our knowledge, there was only one casualty in the other night's six hour power outage, not counting the meat in my freezer. The carp that got stuck in the damn, which in turn blew the transformer and shut down the power, didn't survive, despite many efforts on the part of rescue personnel - including our own recently promoted Daniel Shame, who tried saving the fish by giving it mouth to mouth. It's no wonder the poor thing died. As if getting stuck in the damn wasn't bad enough.
But you would've thought the Apocalypse itself came to Broken Springs with no power. It makes you wonder how our ances Read more:Potent
, Impotent
Peeks to the Past 2007-02-01 06:07:00 Tiny tidbits of small town news that never made the big town papers…
50 years, 3 months, 17 days ago…
Myrtle Snodgrass of Broken Springs, who is majoring in animal husbandry at Michigan State University, announced her engagement to be married, not to an animal, but to Mr. Henry Samson of Oak Lawn Drive. Mr. Samson, however, tells News from Broken Springs that he can be an animal, particularly beast between the sheets.
47 years, 9 months, 11 days ago…
Henry and Myrtle (Snodgrass) Samson of Broken Springs have given birth to their third child in as many years, an eleven pound angel named Daniel Henry Samson. Following the happy event, Mrs. Samson announced she is filing for divorce from Mr. Samson, citing continual hardships and ill health. She plans on going back to school and changing her major to elementary education.
43 years, 4 months, 1 day ago…
A minor traffic accident occurred on the corner of Cherokee and Main Streets as Chuck Hickaloy was waiting for Mrs. Smit
In Memory of Molly 2007-02-02 09:28:00 The world lost another strong woman this week, but not before she said what she had to say. Her name was Molly
Ivins, and after 62 feisty years, cancer was the only thing that could shut her up.There's a saying that well behaved women rarely make history and Molly was living proof. She was nothing if not a hell raiser. As a political humorist known for a trademark Texan vocabulary that often spilled into her hard hitting, left leaning editorials, she is best known for coining the nickname "Shrub" to refer to our current periwinkle of a president. In her prolific writing career, she wrote for the Houston Chronicle, the Texas Observer, the New York Times, Minneapolis Tribune, the Dallas Times Herald, and Time Magazine and her freelance work has appeared in Esquire, Atlantic, The Nation, Harper's, and TV Guide, to name a few. Four times she was a best selling author and three times a Pulitzer prize finalist.But all that's not to say she was what she might've called a high-falut Read more:Memory
Like a bad penny, I always come back 2007-02-28 20:56:00 I recently arrived back from vacation, which means Kingston and his Kronies had a vacation too, at least from my sarcastic pen. But as luck would have it, while the cat’s away, the mice will play. And play they did.There wasn’t much reporting to do in Italy about their Polizia, except the small fact that they dress like fairies... although I quite like the hats. I think hats like these should issued here just to hide the grey hair and receding hairlines of our officers. In Rome, cops were only armed with a whistle. If they had tasers, they must have kept them concealed in small packages. (Notice the obscenity in the background... if such a statue was in Broken Springs, Jan Chaddwick would be livid.)I wonder if Jimmy’s new car can outrun this hunk of metal?Once I got back to home sweet home, I learned that the real excitement was back in Broken Springs. Forget the gladiator games at the Colosseum. Forget the Senate floor where Caesar was killed. Forget Michelangelo’s Sistine Cha Read more:always
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