Owner: th1nk p1nk URL:http://th1nk-p1nk.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:49:09 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: My blog about coping with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and other mental illness issues. Site statistics:Click here
Perfectionism. 2007-06-06 17:13:00 Okay, so I've learned to deal with my own perfectionism, but what do you do when you have to deal with someone else's as well? Miki is a perfectionist and she's able to handle it. That's not my problem, right? Well, when she holds me to unrealistically high standards it does. I am ALWAYS cleaning around here and she and Ty don't do much of anything, especially Ty. Ty does nothing but sit around and watch baseball.Now they are talking about it. I can't take this. I need to leave the house... Why can't people just relax?! I can't live like this. I need a peaceful place, not this dramatic bullshit.
I love my job. 2007-06-06 11:45:00 Seriously, it's amazing. I'm going to have $200 worth of articles to submit for payroll on the 10th and I've hardly done any actual work. I think I've spent maybe about two hours writing things thus far and I've got over $100 worth. I love being a writer.Speaking of work, I STILL haven't heard back from the Parking and Transportation office about when I start training. Grrr. I need to stop by there and ask someone about it because I really want to start soon.In other news, emotionally I'm feeling much better today. I think group therapy and individual therapy yesterday helped a lot. It's Sky's birthday, too, so tonight we'll have cupcakes and it'll be fun. Sorry, I haven't got much else to say today. I guess we'll see how it all pans out.
Ups and downs. 2007-06-05 12:08:00 It's amazing how things can change from one hour to the next. Yesterday was, overall, pretty terrible. I know my previous entry seemed optimistic, but after that things just went downhill. Yeah, I finished my project but I also had an anxiety attack and missed my appointment to make up the final for that class. As the day went on it just got worse. The negative emotions wouldn't leave me alone. Even today I'm having a difficult time. My hands are trembling as I write this. If it were handwritten, it'd be barely legible. Fortunately even now I'm a good typist so I'm able to convey what I'm feeling.I just want to live without having to make so much effort. Why is it that Sky can go all day long and work and stay busy and other people can work 40 to 60 hours in a week and be content while I struggle with the most menial tasks? It's beyond me. Frustrating is the only way to truly describe it. I guess I can only keep on doing what I'm doing even if I don't really want to most of t Read more:downs
Ganbare!! 2007-06-04 13:34:00 I'm ganbatteiru, alright. That means I'm trying really, really hard. I'm writing things down, I'm scheduling my life, and I'm organizing things. I'm accomplishing things, too!! I'm fighting this illness. Today my anxiety nearly overcame me but I fought it because I knew I had to. I am really proud of myself.Group therapy is going well, too. I enjoy it a lot. You become very close to these people who were complete strangers not long ago. You get to know them so well. It has inspired me to possibly start up a support group for students with mental illness here at the U. I think it'd not only be helpful for myself and others but it would allow me to give to others what group therapy has given to me. It's a place where I can share how I feel and people actually understand me. Sure, we're all a little screwed up but that's okay. We're fighting it and we're getting on with life.In other words, life is alright these days. I'm working hard.
I'm pretty much awesome. 2007-06-03 15:29:00 I've done so much homework today! I'm really proud of myself. My things for my jpop class are almost all finished. I've just got to finish up my powerpoint presentation, take the final, and I'm done!It's such a relief to finally be finishing up some of these classes. I'm so glad that my professors have been so accommodating and understanding about my illness. Anxiety is still a problem for me, though. It's tough to keep going sometimes. Right now I think I might be done for the day. I'm not sure if I can complete anything else. I'll do some meditation here soon and see if that helps to calm my nerves and reenergize. Either that or I'll take a nap. Whichever comes first, I suppose.I also decided to stop taking Abilify. I'm feeling good about it. I think I can handle life without it and I'm not so hungry anymore. I'm not craving carbohydrates, either. I'm perfectly content eating a couple fried eggs for lunch as long as I've got a sweet up of chai to go along with it. Mmm, Read more:awesome
Hunger. 2007-06-02 12:33:00 Now I know what a starving child in Africa, or a pregnant woman, must feel like. This insatiable hunger just won't stop. I eat EVERYTHING. I've become such a pig. These meds are really messing with me. Basically, I have a choice: stop taking Abilify and let my borderline symptoms get worse, or keep taking Abilify and let myself be 200 lbs again. Freakin' Catch-22.I get my blood test results back next week. In the meantime, I've given up fighting the hunger. I just eat now. If I keep gaining weight, I'll just lose it again once I can start dieting after this hunger's gone. That's about all I can do right now.
Read more:Hunger
Understanding. 2007-05-30 22:48:00 Not being understood is an incredibly lonely feeling. It eats away at you sometimes, like termites on a fresh piece of wood. It feeds on you.That's what he said tonight. He said he can't understand me and that he's never understood me. He can't understand what I try to say or how I think. You don't know how frustrating that is when I thought he was the one person on this planet who might somehow understand.Sure, people in group therapy can sort of understand but they aren't normal people. They're like me. I don't want to have to surround myself with mentally ill people my entire life just to feel like I belong somewhere.Miki's nagging on me doesn't help, either. She gets on me about dishes, about electricity, about garbage... She needs to not worry so much because it only makes me worry more and that's not good for me. I need stability. I need understanding.I wish someone understood my way of thinking.
Read more:Understanding
Change is inevitable. 2007-05-30 13:52:00 I need to change. Yesterday in therapy we focused on change and taking steps towards change. I believe I can do this. I want to become stronger, more responsible. I don't want this mental illness thing, this borderline personality disorder thing, to define me or my relationships anymore. I'm going to do this, dammit.In other news, I got a raise from Buzzle.com, one of the sites I write for. I'm excited. I need the money desperately. I hope I can finally become self-sufficient by the end of June. I hate having to take so much from my parents.Today is my appointment to check my hormone levels. I also get to see the vagina doctor. Yay for gynecology! ...Not so much.
Read more:Change
I got a job!! 2007-05-29 12:31:00 I am officially a parking attendant. Whoo. I'm excited. I've got fifteen hours a week to start with and I'm just incredibly happy to have such a cake job. Yay for money and yay for cake job!
Hungry hungry hungry. 2007-05-28 17:11:00 This new drug has to be what's making me so hungry. I eat so much more than Sky and Miki do. It's insane. I'm just constantly craving food. Hm.I did make sushi today though!! Mike came over and I made octopus and tuna rolls. 'Twas good. I absolutely love cooking. I would have no problem dieting if it weren't for my consistent, unrelenting hunger.Sorry I don't have anything exciting to write lately. I'm very stable, as far as my mental health goes. I'm getting homework done and some freelancing, too. I'm working for a site called Buzzle.com writing articles. I think I'm being paid $10 per article, at least that's what I seem to recall being told, but I guess I'll find out when I get paid. I turn in a record of the articles I've written on the 10th and I'll be paid by the 20th. Whoo. It's so easy, too. I can write about practically anything as long as it's of a decent length. There are days where I want nothing more than to just bask in the glory of being a writer. Ahhh.
Appreciation. 2007-05-27 19:16:00 I understand that Miki works all day and when she gets home she's tired. Still, I'm sick of her getting on me to clean things all the time. She and Ty should start doing something. Tonight she asked me to do dishes and I told her that I wouldn't do them now because Sky's coming in a little while and more dishes would be dirtied. She just got pissed and said, "Fine then, I guess I'll do them." Why should I have to? I'm the one who cooked dinner. I'm the one that already washed them today. I'm the one that cleaned up their glasses from getting drunk last night. I'm getting real sick of them drinking every single night, too. It's such a waste of money.Ty is pissing me off as well. He is so lazy. He sits around all day watching baseball. He doesn't clean, he doesn't do dishes, and he complains about the few hours of work he actually has. What the hell is his deal? He doesn't respect me at all, either. That bothers me the most. If you aren't a certain kind of person he acts li
Family members of the opposite party. 2007-05-27 10:34:00 Sometimes I hate feeling like the black sheep in the family because I'm a liberal.Naturally, now that I'm an adult I can participate in adult conversations about politics with my family. Problem being, they're all hardcore conservative Christians and I'm a super liberal atheist (not that they know I'm an atheist otherwise I'd be beat over the head with a bible). So when discussion of things like statewide smoking bans come up and they talk about how terrible such a thing is, I can't help but voice my opinion. Being outspoken is a double-edged sword in that respect. Especially as one of the citizens who will benefit from such a ban and who is incredibly bitter towards smokers because two of them (i.e. the 'rents) caused my asthma by smoking around me as a child. Then comes the "the government shouldn't regulate what people do in their private lives" stuff and I had to resist saying, "If you don't believe in government regulation, why are you for making gay marriage and abortio Read more:Family
, opposite
Stuff. 2007-05-23 20:36:00 I really haven't been in the mood to write lately. I should quit doing that. My body's been really exhausted lately.So... anything new? Oh, yeah, Lief came over the other night. We chatted for awhile and I made him read up on borderline personality disorder so he'd have some idea as to what happened between us. Our relationship was very unhealthy now that I think back on it. I didn't love him. I loved the idea of love. I thought I knew the difference but I was terribly wrong. It's nice to feel some closure on things. I'm not angry with him any longer nor do I want to be in a relationship with him again. Sure, I would like to try it again, but that's not going to happen and it shouldn't happen. I don't need a relationship right now.And yet I'm going on another date with Michael tomorrow. Heh. A date doesn't mean much though. I guess we'll see how it goes.
Understanding. 2007-05-20 18:20:00 People just don't understand how much I have to deal with. They treat me like I'm some kind of lazy ass when really I just can't do everything. I'm trying my best. Miki and Ty got all on me today about the kitchen being too cluttered. Too damn bad. When we're only paying $225 a month for rent each, yeah, things are going to be tight. They should be more appreciative of the fact that they aren't paying out the ass for rent like most people are. They act like it's such a big deal when it comes to what the place looks like. I don't care what Ty is used to. He should be thankful I even allowed him to move in with us because I probably shouldn't have. If things look small, that's because they are small and they should get used to it. Does it matter what the place looks like as long as things are livable? "It's embarrassing," he says. Why? At our age, no one should be embarrassed by living in a small place because everyone is. From what I hear, he should be grateful he's not livi Read more:Understanding
On a bike down by the river. 2007-05-18 18:06:00 Though if I'd had my van, I totally would've taken it.In all seriousness, the bike ride down along the Mississippi I took just now was the nicest thing I've done for myself in a long time.I felt aware of my surroundings for the first time in ages. The wind caressed individual strands of my hair. My bike, being that the trail was bumpy and broken, rumbled down the asphalt. The trees wrapped my consciousness in a blanket. I felt warm and accepted. I felt loved by the river, the woods, and everything that surrounded me. The few others on the trail were like concrete poles to me. They didn't matter. I didn't care what they thought of me. I didn't care if they liked me or if the guy jogging past me was hot or not. All that mattered was the whooshing sound of the wind blowing through the creases of my ears. Creativity coursed through my entire being. I'd wished it were possible to write and ride bike at the same time.I came upon a small beach-like area of shoreline. Straddling the wat
Anxiety. 2007-05-18 11:00:00 Generalized Anxiety Disorder sucks. Not gonna lie. What makes it so frustrating is the fact that it's generalized, i.e. there's nothing specific making me anxious half the time. I'm just anxious for no reason. Today I'm feeling better but yesterday wasn't so good. I was really anxious, frustrated, and angry. If the former S.O. had been in reach I would've pummeled him. Maybe I need a punching bag? I'll be getting my Nordic walking poles soon and I hope that the exercise will help to reduce the anxiety. I love Nordic walking. I learned it in Germany and it felt so good that I honestly don't mind if it looks ridiculous to most Americans. It is catching on here in the states too and to be honest, I am really looking forward to going down by the Mississippi and giving them a spin.Back to my point, though. Anxiety sucks. I don't know how else to describe it. No matter how many coping techniques I try, no matter how much I try to meditate, no matter how hard I try to study, it inter
Therapy and Tea 2007-05-17 12:56:00 Lately I've been on this incredible chai kick. I can't get enough of the stuff. It's good for me, and yet I shouldn't have the caffeine but I can't help it! I love chai! It's amazing, especially Oregon chai. It's becoming my lifeblood, my nirvana, my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Okay, that's exaggerating... Maybe I could call it my pot of silver at the end of the rainbow. Gold goes to dark chocolate. Mmm, dark chocolate.Speaking of tea, last night I went out for tea with this guy Taylor I met on okcupid.com. I know what you're thinking. Yeah, it's sort of an online "dating"/networking site, but it's fun! You fill out little quizzes and can compare to others. I found his profile to be fascinating so I asked him out for tea. I don't see a problem with that in this day and age. Online dating is more efficient anyway because by looking at someone's profile or blog you can get to know them before you even decide to meet them. For someone with discerning taste in men s Read more:Therapy
Abandonment. 2007-05-16 09:35:00 I just posted this on an online forum for people with borderline personality disorder, and I thought I might share it here as it summarizes my feelings well. The topic was abandonment:I've also had problems with abandonment. A month ago the man I thought I loved, the first person I could ever say I truly loved, left me. Now I know that it wasn't love, but a combination of lust and this illness creating that feeling that I constantly need someone there to hold me and support me because I can't do it myself. Thanks to him I realize that I can do it myself. It still hurts... I still often have feelings towards him. I've tried to reach out as a friend but I can't do it right now. I still need to heal. He hurt me, he abandoned me, and he was not sensitive to my feelings. He was selfish. For that I can never forgive him. If he cared about me he wouldn't have done things the way he had. Those tears I saw from him when he broke up with me... they weren't tears for me. They were tears fo
Sleepy time. 2007-05-16 08:08:00 A good night's sleep and a cup of chai seems to make life better no matter what's going on. Needless to say, I don't have anything going on today per se; still, I got extra sleep and the sweet caffeine coursing through my veins has got me feeling awake and alive. Today's plan is to do more homework and relax. It shall be pretty awesome.I'm just watching the news here and the governor's going to sign a statewide smoking ban today. AT LAST! As someone who has lived most of their life with two smokers in the house and because of that developed asthma, I am not very fond of smokers. It's disgusting and I just don't understand why anyone would do it, so there's no way in hell that I want those people filling up any restaurants I'm at with their filth either. It kept me from applying for waitressing jobs back home because I can't work in that environment. So, all I can say about this news is this: it's about freakin' time!!Weather wise, it is beautiful. The high is in the mid-60 Read more:Sleepy
Oversleeping isn't such a good idea. 2007-05-15 17:39:00 It leads to missed therapy sessions. Yeah, I missed group therapy today. I guess it's okay. I'm feeling alright at the moment. I felt so tired this morning that I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't even sleep in very long, either.Oooh, great news! My chinchilla is trusting me more and she's climbing on my arms now. Whoo. It's excellent progress.In other news, we went to United Noodles, the Asian grocery, and bought a ton of Japanese food. I'm a happy Janna when I have Japanese food. We're having Japanese style curry rice tonight. Mmmm. Yummy.Kay, so I don't have anything meaningful to say today. Sorry kids. I'm pretty sane at the moment. Shocking, isn't it?
Chinchilling. 2007-05-15 09:06:00 So yesterday I got really bored. Here is the result:http://chinchilling.blogspot.comThat's right. My chinchilla now has her own blog. Please visit because it's pretty much adorable. kthnx.
Janna's got work! 2007-05-14 06:09:00 That's right kids. I gots mahself werk. I've got possibly two jobs through elance.com doing freelance writing and I'm going to interview to be a fitness attendant at the rec center. How easy of a job would that be? I stand behind a little desk and make sure people don't hurt themselves. Pssh. Not a problem. That's like lifeguarding minus the water. Plus, I'll get training so I'll know proper form for lifting weights. It doesn't pay very well but it's a little something that I can do and shouldn't be real stressful. My mom said she's okay with me taking that job, too.In other news, Miki and Ty were so mean to my hamster last night!! I decided to let him run around the living room in his little ball, so they spun him around like he was a little top or something. I felt so bad for him! Though I will admit... it was funny. The poor little thing gripped the bottom of that ball so tight and I thought he might puke. When I put him back in his cage he seemed a little dizzy still. P
Mall of America. 2007-05-13 18:15:00 Packed corridors lined with shop after shop. Clothes hung on lifeless figures trapped behind glass. Deep fried foods being stuffed into mouths after they've hardly hit the styrofoam plate and plastic tray. Ah yes. The Mall of America
. For those not familiar with the place, it's the largest mall in the country and I live just a short train ride away from it.I met my mom there so I could spend time with her as it is Mother's Day. We contributed to the capitalistic megalopolis by making purchases such as underwear, an umbrella, skirts, shorts, and pajamas. I got her the Office Space "Work Sucks" kit from Barnes and Noble and a book about the female brain as a gift. I know she'll enjoy them both thoroughly. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy a red stapler and a Jump to Conclusions mat?All in all, I am feeling better. Not much else to add.
Something I wrote last night... 2007-05-13 09:41:00 Now that our cable is back up and running, I can post this entry I wrote
last night. Whoo Here it be:Each note of the piano brings a sting to my heart and warmth to my soul. Just sitting here, listening to music and writing down my thoughts eases my mind and helps me to connect to myself. In therapy, they ask us to list things we’ve done for ourselves lately in several categories, one of which is spirituality. I’m not a very spiritual person. I don’t believe in something like a spirit or a soul. I believe what we perceive to be some other worldliness to humanity is merely synapses and neurons. The same synapses that have caused this illness that’s entrapped my very being. My parents are giving me an allowance and have asked I not take a job. I can understand their concern, but it is difficult for me to feel like I can live among these normal people. For example, Miki keeps pointing out how much I eat compared to her. Granted, she weighs much less than I do and she’s a half
Kyou no Janna: EMO! 2007-05-12 10:26:00 I look far too emo today for my own good. I straightened my hair, but I figured I should show off my new hair cut anyway. I'm thinking about getting something pierced today, too. Not quite sure what. Hm.Last night was pretty awful. I started missing Lief really bad. It's just so difficult to have someone you care about more than your own life completely reject you like he's done to me. He's shown no sympathy, no compassion, no sign that he actually gives a damn. I shouldn't feel so bad because he's being a total douchebag about everything but I can't help it.So... I ended up sitting on my bedroom floor crying while Miki held me. She's such a sweetheart. She had just gotten out of the shower so she was wearing just a towel. She's got really soft skin, I will say that.So, in other words, I'm stressed. I need a job, I need to get homework done, and I need to feel normal again. I know I shouldn't push myself so hard but I want to. I want to learn to function normally and this is
Fighting fire. 2007-06-08 22:44:00 As I gazed out the bus window at the familiar buildings that surround University Avenue, all I could think about was him. I'm not sure why, but he completely absorbed my thoughts. My ipod, set on shuffle, playing the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack didn't help any (that was the movie we first cuddled to and after seeing the ballet version at the Ordway he dumped me). I honestly daydreamed about a scenario in which my doctor had gotten my blood test results back and discovered the reason I'd been so hungry lately was because I was pregnant. I imagined what his reaction to that would be. It was a day nightmare, in more than one way, but for some reason I couldn't take my mind off of it. I think I was, for the most part, just nervous about getting my blood test results back. It'd be impossible for me to be preggers, anyway.Speaking of blood tests, my doctor never received them from the clinic. We're assuming that if it were something serious they would've contacted him ASAP so for t Read more:Fighting
Positive Thoughts. 2007-06-08 08:04:00 swimming in a sea of blacklost, unable to breathewill you find your own way backtrapped in these dark seasone arm reaches outone leg kicks with mighta wave pushes backbut just in sighta glimmer of hopein the form of a lightclimbing through liquidclawing your way to the lightthe darkness, trapped in fluidyet you know it will be alrightSorry for the cheesy poem. I was feeling creatalicious. I'm also feeling very positive today. It's as if maybe there is a glimmer of light there, that perhaps someday this will all be over with. I'll be free from the bondage of my illness. The weight of mental disease will have been lifted off my shoulders. It will be a wonderful feeling, I anticipate. I look forward to it.
Read more:Positive
Natsu Yasumi. 2007-06-07 18:28:00 There are beautiful aspects to summer. The weather is gorgeous, especially here in Minnesota where the weather's not usually as ridiculously hot as some places (i.e. Osaka), and the freedom that accompanies not having school can be nice as well. Overall, however, I'm ambivalent as to how this summer is really going. In many ways, this is exactly what I've needed: time for me. Time to recover from my illness with hours of therapy a week and time to myself to work on recovery alone as well. At the same time, when I feel as if life is going well I'm rather precarious about it. The borderline personality keeps me constantly reminded that I'm always going to have ups and downs. The anxiety keeps me from really functioning as much as I'd like. The heartbreak keeps me dreaming about the former significant other and even though I was strong enough to tell him that I can't talk to him anymore for awhile (which he understands), I still check his Facebook and his blog daily to see if ther
Janna is priorganized. 2007-06-12 16:28:00 That's right. Priorganized. Prioritized and organized.I bought a planner today at Office Depot. It's amazing. I feel so much more organized! I've got my work schedule all figured out. It feels like a lot of hours, but that's what I'm here for right? I decided to stay here for the summer to work. Well, now I'm working. I wish it were more long shifts rather than short little shifts every day, but I think I can handle it. I also decided to pick up a night shift just to try it. It's for Sunday morning from 12:45 until 6:15 which shouldn't be so bad. That'll give me plenty of time to sleep on Sunday. That's what Sunday is for, right?I worry that I may be taking on too much, though. I'm supposed to be finding balance in my life this summer. As of right now it looks like I'm scheduling myself for no more than 30 hours a week which I think is doable. Considering I was going to be working 40 or more, this should be alright. I also am trying to keep in mind exactly what this job is:
Unattractive today. 2007-06-11 21:57:00 I feel incredibly unattractive today. I'm trying to think of positive things but it's very difficult. I need positive affirmations from others and I haven't really gotten that lately. What do I mean by "positive affirmations"? I mean having cute guys hit on me. Honestly.I thought there was a possibility I might have found a potential new boi, but it looks like he's got a thing for my best friend. Heh, great. Just what I need. More reminders of how much of a better person she is compared to me. I guess in some ways I'm the stronger of us, as I've overcome a great deal more hardship with my illness and everything, but she's such a beautiful person inside and out. She's funny, intelligent, sexy, talented... I try to find these things in myself and it's very difficult to do on my own. That's another thing I miss about having a significant other. The constant reminder that someone thinks you are special. Being told you're beautiful.I know I need to keep fighting these negative th
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