Owner: th1nk p1nk URL:http://th1nk-p1nk.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:49:09 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: My blog about coping with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and other mental illness issues. Site statistics:Click here
Temptation. 2007-10-04 04:17:00 The temptation is far too great. I think I just may get a bunny once I move into the apartment. I already found a little cutie on Craigslist I wish I could take in now, but I quite obviously can't. Grr. I have such a pet addiction. Sometimes it scares me because I don't want to be the crazy old lady with fifty chinchillas in her apartment, but dammit, they're so CUTE!!I can't sleep. It's a quarter after four in the morning and I wish I were sleeping. I'm waking up at 7:30 whether I like it or not. I've got to finish up my homework and print things off before going to my advising appointments.Sigh. I want a bunny.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
Rough week. 2007-10-19 11:21:00 Let's just say I've had a rough week.I've slept on futons for the past two nights. Fortunately, the Awful Roommate will be gone tonight and tomorrow night, theoretically anyway. Just one week and six days until I move. It feels really good to at last be moving soon. And believe me, the sooner the better.This weekend will be good. Today I see my psychiatrist and I work. Tomorrow is Tim and Ann's baby shower where Ross will get to meet my family. It should be interesting, to say the least. Sunday morning I'm going to the Petco in Roseville to visit a bunny I'd like to adopt. Later, Sky, Chrissy, and I will be hanging out, which will be a blast.What am I looking forward to the most? Next Wednesday. Why?Payday. I need money. So if you're feeling generous, check out my sponsors via those Google ads to help me out. kthnx Read more:Rough
Excitement. 2007-10-19 18:40:00 It's difficult for me to wait for things. I want instant gratification. That's the world I was raised in.Today I've spent much of my free time shopping online for things. I have a comprehensive list of furniture at IKEA.com for my trip to the store on Monday. I ordered all the supplies I'll need for bunny ownership. Now I'm going to check ebay for Hello Kitty bathroom decor.Yeah, I'm impatient. But I'm SO EXCITED to get in to this apartment!Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It! Read more:Excitement
Done. 2007-10-18 18:50:00 I'm finished fooling around. Miki and I got in to another fight last night, and I'm just... sick of it. It was awful. She started making personal attacks on myself and Ross.So, I spent the night at Ross's last night and I'm staying with Alicia tonight. I move on the first of the month. I sent Zumi back home with my dad, too, to make sure she's safe.I'm just so sick of this mess. It's ridiculous. I'm done dealing with her.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
I want, I want, I want... 2007-10-17 11:14:00 Again, that urge to shop has hit me. I've even indulged it a little, though my purchases have been practical. ...if you can call a Hello Kitty toilet seat cover or a $100 Hello Kitty rice cooker practical. Still, those are usable items! I put them on my credit card. Sure, my parents took it away from me before, but the number's still on my Paypal account. I'll hopefully be winning a couple more auctions this afternoon on a Hello Kitty bedding set and Hello Kitty bathroom decor.If you haven't already noticed, I really like Hello Kitty.Fortunately for me, Ross likes Hello Kitty, too. That's like a requirement for anyone I date, though. They have to be able to appreciate the kitty.I also want a treadmill. I'm thinking that I'll get a cheap one from Wal Mart, one that folds up so I can shove it underneath my bed. That way I can put it in front of the TV and get a good workout. That's been my biggest gripe about the university's rec center. The TVs there are always playing ESPN and
I am now the proud owner of... 2007-10-16 21:58:00 If you can't tell, that's a Hello Kitty toilet seat cover. I actually paid quite a lot for it, too, since they don't sell them anymore. Ah, ebay. Gotta love it. I'm currently bidding on a matching shower curtain set as well. I hope all goes as planned. My bathroom will be Kittified.So, today's therapy was interesting. We discussed what I'd talked about in my previous entry. Yes, I do sometimes justify things I do. Everyone does it. I think all I can do is learn from these experiences and move on. Sure, my friendship with Miki is over with, but I think that was bound to happen anyway. Our personalities are just too different and they clash. We'd just continue to butt heads had this whole thing not happened. I just need to get along until I move out.Which happens in about 29 days, I think, unless my count is off. Oh, I anticipate it so... As you can see by my purchase today, I'm going a little goofy. I'm just happy to finally have a place to call my own. A place I can decorate h
Confidence making me defensive? 2007-10-15 15:41:00 Since I've begun my various therapies, I've noticed that my self-confidence has skyrocketed. I feel like I'm a worthwhile person with something to contribute to this messed up world. There was a time when I thought so little of myself I couldn't understand how anyone could love me. Perhaps it's the therapy, maybe it's the meds, or quite possibly it's in part due to my relationship with Ross. It's most likely a combination of all three. I'm proud of who I am, where I've come, and where I'm going. I'm thinking positive.I've been analyzing this continuing tension between my roommate and I, and I'm beginning to wonder if my newfound confidence is making
me defensive. Maybe I'm no longer able to sit back and see that perhaps I was wrong or am wrong. I'm not saying that in this particular case I'm wrong, though, I will admit I've said and done things I shouldn't have. I've become rather vindictive in regards to these conflicts. I want nothing more than to see Miki, her ho Read more:Confidence
Pride. 2007-10-22 23:52:00 In DBT last week, we covered MASTERY. The gist of it is that we need to do something each day that we can feel good about, something that challenges us. Something that makes you feel competent and in control. You needn't be any good at it, whatever it is. You just need to do it.I'm really proud of myself lately because I've been practicing this MASTERY thing. I'm getting things done. I'm doing homework, finding time for friends and fun, seeing Ross when I'm able, getting organized for my big move. I'm even handling this roommate conflict in stride. A month ago, I would've probably fallen to pieces over this previous week's argument with Miki. This month, I'm strong and confident no matter how hard she tries to bring me down.I also am proud of myself for becoming more compassionate and less filled with hatred. After thinking about it for awhile, I realized that my mom was right again Not that she's always right... but once in awhile she has a nugget of wisdom to instill on me Read more:Pride
Who's getting a bunny? 2007-10-21 15:27:00 Janna's getting a bunny!!!Everyone, meet Kiku. Her original name was Daisy, but I felt a new name was in order. I've decided I like the name Kiku, which is Japanese for "chrysanthemum". The word for "daisy" in Japanese is hinagiku, which isn't nearly as cute, so I'm sticking with the flower theme and going with Kiku.I went to the Petco in Roseville this afternoon to meet her. She's an absolute sweetheart! She was climbing on me and sniffing me despite all the stresses with being in a new, loud environment. After fifteen minutes of playing with her and feeding her veggies I'd made my decision. She was it. I turned in my adoption application and they're going to put her in to a foster home until she can come home with me.I'm very, very excited. She's going to be a wonderful addition to my little pet family. My parents will be pissed but that's their problem. I'm happy with the decision I've made and I can't wait to bring Kiku home with me.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble
I know I shouldn't... 2007-10-28 00:11:00 ...but I still do.I know that thinking negatively is bad for me, but in some cases perhaps it's motivating. In regards to my weight, perhaps it'll be a good thing. I know I've gained weight. One look at how my pants are fitting tells me this. I can partially attribute it to my meds, but for the most part, it's of my own doing.There was a time when I was beautiful. There was a time when I was toned, thin, sexy, beautiful. That time has since gone and I'm ugly again. I look in the mirror and I'm ashamed at what I see. No matter what anyone says, even Ross, I feel ugly. My skin is still all broken out, and even when it's decently clear it's still badly scarred. My arms are covered in scabs because I can't stop scratching at the areas where blemishes once were. It's almost like a form of self-injury to me. It's somehow comforting, and strangely compulsive. Folds of fat protrude over the sides of my jeans. My belly, once flat and fit, also hangs in disgrace.I'm making myself inc
Why can't I just be left alone?! 2007-10-27 12:47:00 Honestly. I don't go out trying to piss people off, nor do I intentionally provoke anybody. Yet somehow horrible people like to try and hurt me for no goddamn reason, especially people from Waseca.This all started when this chick from back home, who is liked by very few and dislikes just about everybody, posted a response to one of my videos on YouTube that was less than flattering. I left her a little comment asking her to grow up and to leave me alone
. Then I blocked her.The thing is, it's just frustrating. Over the past few months I've had to deal with so many people who hate me for this reason or that. I don't understand it. I'm not that polarizing of a person, am I? Sure, I've got those lovely "borderline traits" that can make my personality come off a little strong, but in general I am a nice, friendly person who is nice and friendly to just about anybody. The only time I'm not either nice or friendly is when somebody attacks me or my friends. In the case of this individua
Accomplishment despite setbacks. 2007-10-27 01:11:00 I've accomplished a lot today, despite
losing my U card yet again and having to find it once again as well. That little piece of plastic is my key to getting in to the building, getting to eat, and clocking in at work. It's an essential part of my day. Losing it makes things rather complicated, to say the least.Still, I did a lot. I got a large chunk of homework done at work today. It feels good to be able to really function and get things done. I have still had a few setbacks, but I'm still plugging away. Yesterday, for example, I didn't go to class. I just couldn't. I got panicky and Ross suggested I go home because I wasn't well. I wish I hadn't had to miss class, but I'm getting the work done eventually, albeit a little slowly. My distance learning classes are going exceptionally well. I'm really accomplishing a lot in them. I'm learning a lot, too, which feels pretty good. My goal is to have them all completed before the beginning of next semester. That means I have two Read more:Accomplishment
Could I be any more lucky? 2007-10-25 14:18:00 Yeah, things have sucked lately. But you know what? I think I'm about the luckiest girl alive.Why, might you ask? Because I have about the sweetest boyfriend on the planet.I was having a terrible night last night, so I spent the night at Ross's. He reassured me when I was doubting, held me when I needed holding, and was there for me when I needed someone to be there. He's just... amazing. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter, kinder, more caring person to call mine.Love you, Ross Read more:lucky
Letter to my roommate. 2007-10-24 11:56:00 Dear Ms. Adachi,Greetings. I know you're already thinking, "Why would she give me another letter?" To be honest, I am not ashamed that you showed my previous correspondence to others nor would I feel as such if you showed this letter to them as well. What I do find shameful is the immaturity you have shown by sharing this information with those not involved in our conflict; however, there is obviously little I can do to influence that factor.I am writing this to let you know that despite our differences, I do not hate you. Though this was my initial emotion, I realized after a great deal of thought that another emotion would be far more appropriate: pity. I pity you. I have seen through our dealings together that you have the potential to be a genuinely kind person. You have the potential to go far in your life and the motivation to reach your goals. Unfortunately, your potential has gone unused or misused. It is masked by immaturity, selfishness, poor judgment, and a lack of respect Read more:Letter
Exhaustion. 2007-10-31 21:36:00 I am exhausted. Only about ten more minutes left and I can start counting down my register. Tonight's the last night I'll spend in the dorms. It feels great, let me tell you. I was going to do some packing tonight, but I think I'd rather wake up early and do it in the morning. Yeah, I'm that tired right now.Work was super busy tonight. Why must it be busy when I really need to just relax? It's especially tough when I have a headache and my jaw muscles get all tensed up. It's so hard to smile and be friendly when your head hurts.Wow, I'm falling asleep. Sleep is good. I want... sleep...Moving tomorrow. I'd show more excitement but like I said, I'm exhausted. Whew.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It! Read more:Exhaustion
Yay for solutions. 2007-10-31 11:58:00 I figured out the solution to my treadmill woes: instead of buying a big ol' treadmill, I bought myself a mini stair stepper.Sure, there's a chance that it'll get used twice and never used again, like most exercise equipment. But hey, at least it didn't cost me much and it's small enough that it'll fit in the closet. The biggest advantage to this over anything else is my ability to still do other things while I'm on the stair stepper. I can set my computer or a book on the kitchen counter and work out while I work. I do hope this is the solution I've been looking for!!Though one problem facing me is how I'm going to pay off my massive debts. I've got a credit card bill that's nearing $1000 that I'll have to pay off. Plus, my parents want me to help with rent for next month. Eeeep. I'm going to have to work really hard here for the next month or two so I can afford all of this stuff.Other things I bought include a Hello Kitty shower curtain, soap dispenser, waste basket, sh Read more:solutions
Wow, that's about as embarrassing as it gets... 2007-10-29 22:57:00 I am embarrassed beyond belief right now. This story might be a little graphic, so if you have problems with people who have to piss a lot, stop reading now.Okay.So, I drink a lot of liquids. It's just the way I am. I like to stay hydrated. I drink large amounts of soda, water, tea, you name it. I like it that way, especially at work.Unfortunately, my job is one in which I must notify someone if I have to pee. I must call the office and ask them to lift my gate every single time. This will happen somewhere around three times a night. There have been times where it's happened more but I'm afraid to ask more than three times so I'll run and go during a slow period.Well, the managers have caught on and it's begun to raise some questions around the office.It's honestly not something I can control, but I can see where it'd look a little suspicious. Still, it's nothing but the truth: I really have to pee. So tonight I called up for the third time to ask to use the bathroom and my man
Ganbare! 2007-10-28 19:11:00 Ganbare!It's a Japanese word that means "Try hard!"That's what I'm doing. Ganbarimasu yo. I'm trying hard. I'm trying hard to be optimistic, trying hard to keep myself motivated. I think I can do this weight loss thing. I can lose the spare tire I've gained. Even if my boyfriend's eating habits have been influencing me (which might be part of my problem), even if I'm a college student living a college lifestyle, even if I'm not as active as I used to be. I'm going to try hard. I'm going to write down what I eat each day. That way, I know that if I eat bad stuff I have to write it down.I'm going to exercise every day. Today's exercise was walking down to the Quarry with Ross. It's a long enough hike that I think it counts. That on top of my bike riding should count, I believe. I'm still planning on getting a treadmill once I'm able to afford it, though. I've found one at Wal Mart that's a good deal. I just need to have a treadmill that I can put in front of my TV so I
Getting things done can be difficult... 2007-11-05 10:37:00 I'm having a hard time keeping on task today. It's like pulling teeth to get me to get things
done sometimes. At other times, I'm very productive and can do an amazing amount of work. Then there are times like these where it's next to impossible to accomplish what I need to. It's frustrating.Right now I'm working on a freelance project where I'm writing up fifteen online Japanese lessons. I don't know how much anyone would learn from my lessons, but I'm getting paid well so it's okay. I've also got a delicious paycheck coming this Wednesday. It's over $500! For some reason, I got paid for three hours of overtime at $11 an hour. I don't know how I managed it, but hey, I'll take it!This is one of those days where DBT's opposite to emotion action skill comes in handy. The gist of it is, even though you don't feel like doing something because you're anxious or afraid, you should try to do it anyway (unless it's something actually harmful, of course). That way you'll end Read more:Getting things
, Getting things done
Life and such. 2007-11-04 21:55:00 Life is pretty decent. I'll admit, I felt a little bad for awhile today. I finally told my mom about Daisy, and she wasn't happy at all, as expected. Still, I explained to her that as an adult this was my decision to make. I hope she'll respect that.I got Zumi (chinchilla) and Ashley (hamster) back this morning as well. It makes me happy to have all of my critters here. Zumi got to run about for quite some time, too. I've got her cage set up near the TV so she can watch it now. Chinchillas love watching TV, if you didn't know this. It's their favorite past time.This afternoon, Ross and I went to the mall. It was fun although difficult because I have no money. I managed to keep my spending down somewhat, having bought only an oil warmer, candles, stress relief aromatherapy oil, and a bottle of soap from Bath and Body Works. I know, it sounds like a lot, but it didn't cost much at all. I do love Bath and Body Works. Ross, on the other hand, spent over $100 in Barnes and Noble. He
A new home, a new bunny, a new life. 2007-11-04 01:48:00 I've finally settled into my new home. It hasn't come smoothly, but it's here, nonetheless.The furniture assembly went well, as did the moving process itself. What didn't go well was the fact that my mom accidentally packed Miki's soap dispenser and bottle of hand soap in with my things. Biiiiig mistake. Of course to the average person, this is an honest mistake. To Miki, this is more than just a little thing. She's turned it into a huge fiasco....She told the community adviser and residence director that I stole her things because I wasn't able to return them immediately.What kind of nutcase is this girl?! And not only that, but she continued to harass me via text message and phone calls. After she called me tonight while I was at work, I called my mom and told her the situation. My parents were furious.So what'd they do? They called up her mom and told her what's been going on, including about how her daughter had been working as a stripper. What was her mom's reply? She in
I want to give up. 2007-11-10 22:46:00 I honestly just want to give up right now. I want to quit everything. I don't want to live like this anymore.Nobody will let me. My parents, my doctors, my boyfriend, my friends... Nobody will just leave me be and let me throw my life away. Sure, you're probably all thinking, "Wow, you're so lucky to have so many supportive people in your life." Screw you. I WANT to throw it away. It's too much work and I'm just not cut out for it. No matter how much I try I can't seem to do the things I want to so why should I keep wasting my time and energy?I just get so tired of all this positive thinking bullshit. Sometimes I just can't keep up this facade of hope and cheerfulness. I feel like I only do it for other people. I only live for other people. I only keep trying because others want me to, not because I want to. Honestly, I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. Nothing would make me happier most days.This is probably just a mood swing. Still... sometimes I wish that nobody lov
What happened? 2007-11-10 00:42:00 One minute I was talking on the phone with my mom and the next thing I know it's almost midnight. My time at work tonight, which was supposed to be filled with getting-stuff-done goodness, disappeared right before my eyes. I accomplished nothing. I stared at the wall half the time. I just... don't even know what happened.Maybe people like me (i.e. messed up) just aren't meant to be productive members of society.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
From tears to triumphs. 2007-11-08 23:23:00 This day began with tears. I had left my Shakespeare assignment for the morning, and once again I wasn't able to finish it. Note to self: DON'T LEAVE HOMEWORK FOR THE MORNING BEFORE IT IS DUE. It never gets done because, like today and many other attempts at morning homework before this, I get anxious. Very anxious. I called my mom and cried because I felt so bad for being late on another assignment after numerous attempts to get it done that failed miserably. I didn't go to class because no matter what anybody says, I don't like going to class without my homework done. It makes me feel horrible. So, I skipped class.After that I decided that if I wasn't going to class I might as well get something done today. I went to the co-op and got a few groceries, went downtown to pick up some packages at the post office, came home and cleaned up my apartment and started some laundry, ate dinner with Ross and hung out for awhile, and when I got to work I actually finished over a third of my
It's official. 2007-11-07 22:36:00 I no longer am living at Middlebrook Hall.I've officially checked out of the building and gotten out of my housing contract. They're refunding my money (er... my parents' money...) for the rest of the semester and all is well. I am so happy that it's over with. I never have to see or hear from Miki again. Ah, life is great.More good news, too!! I talked with Katie tonight, and she thinks it'd be totally awesome to sublet my apartment while I'm off studying abroad. She'd take care of the critters for me and I'd probably discount her rent by $100 a month to cover food and to compensate her for the extra work. She's super excited about it because she loves my pets. Her and Zumi get along really well, surprisingly.I must cut this short, however; I have a Shakespeare paper due in about 14 hours that hasn't been started yet. Heh heh.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
Well then, that was rude... 2007-11-07 09:34:00 I hate rude people. Seriously, I can understand if you're pissed that you have to pay for parking even though you know you're getting reimbursed, but it's not my fault. Don't yell at the parking attendant. They're just doing their job and since they're only paid $7.65 an hour they don't much care if you like our prices or not.I'm getting a little better with the getting stuff done. Now I just need to work on my bad shopping habit. Yes, I am a shopaholic. I'm not really that materialistic. I can live without this stuff. It's just that when I feel I have the means to have it, I buy it. Do I really have the means right now? Kinda. Credit cards are dangerous like that. I'm a little compulsive, too. Today I bought a cheap Palm organizer because I'm sick of always carrying around a huge notebook with to-do lists that I never look at. I think somehow it could help me get organized and get more things done. We'll see if it's really worth the $43 I spent on it.I'm also still expe
My new life. 2007-11-06 13:11:00 My new life is full of satisfaction. It's full of independence, of freedom, of peace. No more fighting, no more tension, no more stress.Yesterday I got a very pleasant surprise. I found out that I can get out of my housing contract with the university early and even get some money back. That makes both myself and my parents incredibly happy. Another good piece of news from yesterday was that on my bed at my dorm was a check for $45 from Miki to cover the check that her boyfriend bounced on me. Obviously that little conversation my parents had with her mom had some form of effect. Either she's afraid we'll tell ROTC about her little, uh, stripping thing so she'd lose her scholarship, or her mom was just really pissed off and actually talked some sense to her. Something tells me based on the conversation with her mother my parents had, the former is probably the case.I still felt my anxiety increase yesterday. I've just had a difficult time concentrating in the past few days. I thin
Critters. 2007-11-15 23:37:00 No matter how down I get, that ball of fluff never ceases to put a smile on my face.Zumi, on the other hand, doesn't enjoy our new addition very much.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It! Read more:Critters
Getting up. 2007-11-15 18:18:00 I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I don't really know why. I wasn't especially depressed or anxious. Maybe I was at the time, but I was half awake so I can't remember. All I know is, I missed my meeting with my Shakespeare group. I feel pretty stupid about that.It's really bugging me now. I could've gotten up at 9:30 like I'd planned and gotten a lot done this afternoon. Ah well, I guess there's nothing that can be done about it now. That's an important thing about recovery that you always have to keep in mind. You'll have good days, you'll have bad days. It happens. You can't get stuck up on it otherwise the bad days will far outnumber the good ones.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
Friendship and accomplishment. 2007-11-13 20:40:00 This past weekend, I discovered that I need to work on building friendships. I threw my party on Sunday. Other than Ross, three people showed up. Only three. I invited twenty-five. It was rather depressing, indeed. It showed me that I either need to make some new friends or not throw a party on a Sunday night. Either way, it's feeling pretty lonely right now.In other news, I'm proud of myself today. I've accomplished a lot. I got up this morning, worked out, showered, did homework, got to class, and did just about everything I'd planned on doing. Now I'm at work, plugging away at my freelancing that's due tonight, and enjoying this feeling of accomplishment. It does feel good.I am going to keep this up. I am going to be persistent. I am going to show everyone that I can turn things around for the last time.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It! Read more:Friendship
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