Owner: th1nk p1nk URL:http://th1nk-p1nk.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:49:09 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: My blog about coping with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and other mental illness issues. Site statistics:Click here
Fallout. 2007-08-24 17:59:00 So, there was a fallout between Miki and I. A major one.On Wednesday night, we were discussing moving-type items when the question of bed lofting arose. She had agreed before we even got our room that she would loft her bed and I'd have mine down, as last year it was opposite for both of us in our separate rooms. It felt only fair. Well, her ROTC scholarship came through so she's actually going to be in the dorms and she now refuses to loft her bed.All I asked was for her to try it lofted for one night. As a favor to me, after having to put up with living with her jackass boyfriend all summer who was incredibly rude to me and to anyone I had over to visit, I thought she could do that one little thing. She absolutely refused. My parents and therapists have told me to stand up for myself in these situations, so I refused to back down. Various unkind things were tossed back and forth and she brought up the dishes thing AGAIN...But the straw that broke the Janna's back was when she brou Read more:Fallout
The dust has settled. 2007-08-31 06:12:00 I think.Everything's moved in and set up. At least, my side is. Miki's side will get done this morning. I'm really hoping she'll be okay with my things the way they are so I don't have to move anything. I like how my stuff is set up. It's not as neat and pretty as some might like, but it's efficient. Plus, I have a chinchilla in my closet. How can it get any better?Today I will finish up the final touches on the apartment. I have to finish cleaning out the oven (oh, how I look forward to that) and picking up the cable equipment. That'll get dropped off later. Later, I'll be heading down to Dr. Hardrict's for an appointment. I've been looking forward to it. I do enjoy visiting with him. I'm not really looking forward to retelling this whole Miki-mess story to him, but I'll survive I suppose. Gotta keep the doc updated.Tomorrow will be my very last 6 AM shift at work. YAY! It was so difficult waking up at 5 this morning. I was too used to waking up and having it be sunsettin Read more:settled
Excitement. 2007-08-29 15:12:00 I'm far too excited about moving and everything that I can't manage to do anything productive. The only productive thing I've managed to do was find a desk at Ikea that my chinchilla's cage will fit underneath and won't cost a ton of money. Now I just need to, you know, get down to Ikea and buy it. That'll be tomorrow's adventure.It might actually be possible to arrange my room so that I can have all of my things and not have to loft my bed. It'll be a real squish, yes, but it's a possibility. I'm looking forward to the challenge. I figure if Ross can manage to get as much stuff into his room as he has, I can do this as well. My plan is to surround my bed with my desk, fridge, and couch. I'll have to climb over the couch to get into bed but that's a small price to pay.My fear is that Miki will complain of my things encroaching on her space. I'm going to really try my best to give her as much floor area as I can, but what can I say? I have a lot of things. I like my things. Read more:Excitement
Debacle. 2007-08-28 17:34:00 The past week has been quite the debacle. This whole mess with Miki really spiraled out of control. It came to an end finally today when we came to some form of amicable agreement. Still, feelings were hurt on both sides and trust has been broken. We'll never really be friends again. We'll always been on guard. That's okay with me, though. I have better friends.I've been living with Ross since Saturday. It's been pretty nice. He's been so sweet and kind to me, and oh do I appreciate it. I couldn't have asked for a more caring person to be with. My only regret is that he's been feeling rather ill recently, with this humidity aggravating his sinuses and all. I do my best to help him feel better. Many a massage has been given.I have many regrets regarding the argument though. Especially regarding my behavior. I tried to be as calm as I could but the emotions just overwhelm me. They come over me in waves that make rational thought and coherent communication impossible. I said thing
Jena Six. 2007-09-19 00:34:00 Though I usually try to focus this blog around my life and the illnesses that affect it, I can't help but comment on the events surrounding the Jena Six.For those of you ignorant to current events, the Jena Six are six black students from a small Louisiana town being charged with attempted murder for beating up a white kid at school. These events were preceded by numerous provocations by white students towards black students and racial tension yada yada...Now, I will not deny that the charges against these kids are far too severe for the crimes and that is, in part, probably due to the fact that they are black. Though the white prosecutors and the white jury might think they are basing their decisions on the facts of the case, they have deep-seeded prejudices and biases. How do I know this? Because everyone has them. I've struggled with them myself, and I'm one of the most accepting, least-racist people I know. It's been scientifically proven, in fact, that we have a bias towards t
Cautiously optimistic. 2007-09-17 16:33:00 I figure it's better than not being optimistic
at all, right?Despite today being a bit of a wasted day thus far, my hope is that things will get better. It wasn't exactly my fault, however; I wasn't able to sleep last night so I took an extra half a pill of Seroquel and I was so knocked out that I turned off my alarm in my sleep and didn't wake up in time for class. Whoops. It does give me extra time to study for Japanese and get caught up on this homework, though I do wish I'd gotten up and done things this morning like I'd planned. Ah well, what can ya do?The hope now is that I still have a job and I can still go to work tonight. Once I'm at work, I'll have to fight back any anxieties I might have and get this Japanese homework finished. It's perfectly doable though very time consuming. I spent this afternoon relaxing so I don't have any excuse for not wanting to work tonight. I know what I need to do and I have to just... do it. That's about it.I'll have to call my doc a
My feet tingle. 2007-09-15 23:08:00 I don't know why, but recently when I lay down the bottoms of my feet tingle. It's weird and obnoxious. I hope it stops soon.Oh yeah, about that life thing. It's uh... kinda sucky, but might be getting better.I essentially shut down this week. I did absolutely nothing except occasionally seeing Ross. Again, Ross is amazing. No other way to say it. Still, my emotional issues have been incredibly troubling. I didn't go to work on Thursday and Friday, nor did I call in to inform them that I wouldn't be coming to work. I just couldn't. I hope after I explain things that I'll still have a job, though I'm not counting on it.My doctor prescribed me some anti-anxiety meds to help me get through the next few weeks. Still, he's right. The solution isn't in the medication alone. It's also got to come through other therapies. Believe me, I'd give my left arm if popping a pill would make it all go away. I'm serious about that.It just feels as if these therapies aren't working for me.
Once again, picking up the pieces... 2007-09-12 22:01:00 I came undone again this week. The anxiety over homework was far too great. I couldn't handle it. I stayed home all day on Tuesday and today I skipped class but I did go to my therapy appointment and later on to Ross's house to work on homework with him. I did get some homework done there, though not as much as I'd hoped. Still, it's a start.A few changes need to be made. I'm dropping guitar lessons, for one. I didn't even make it to one class. I think it's for the best, though. Even if it would've been fun, I think I need that extra time to focus on therapy and recovery. I need to continue to work on my DBT skills. I may be registering soon with the university's disability service so I can get some extensions on assignments in case things get bad again. I didn't want it to come to that, but I am essentially disabled by this illness at this point. I'm having mild panic attacks at just the thought of doing homework. Yeah. That's a bit of a disability when you're a college s Read more:pieces
Up and down and... crap, where am I now? 2007-09-10 15:05:00 I'm not real sure.At the end of last week, things were looking pretty bad. I was near the point of dropping Japanese and I felt like a complete failure. I hadn't really seen or heard from any friends at all since being back at school so I thought people just didn't care. It was not a good time, that's for sure. Having such feelings and being stuck in a parking booth is most certainly not an ideal situation, either.Things got better this weekend. I was awoken Saturday morning by a phone call from JJ. We had brunch together at the food service downstairs. Following that, I spent my evening having dinner with Ross and visiting with various friends around the building. It felt good to know that I still have some friends left. Sunday was a wonderful day. Ross and I went to the mall. If only every day could be so full of fun and so empty of worry, pain, regret, or anxiety...Now today I have been up and down again so many times, it's just ridiculous.I'm very down at the moment. I'm as
Class and such. 2007-09-07 10:04:00 Class is okay. Work is okay. Life's just okay.I'm not feeling positive or negative about things, to be honest. I'm rather indifferent. Maybe that's because I'm pretty tired this morning. Either that or I've just had no reason to feel differently yet. Going to the rec center in the mornings has been a positive, however; it's nice seeing Ross and it's nice feeling active. Though I will admit, this morning we didn't do anything. We were both too tired. We're giving ourselves a little slack being that it's the first week and all. It'd be unreasonable to push ourselves too hard. So, we sat and talked for a little while. It was nice to have a little time to spend together.The only class that has me particularly concerned still is Japanese. It's still scaring the crap out of me. I know it'll just take a lot of work, though what worries me is that even if I work very hard what if I'm unable to do as well as I'd like? What if I continue to fall behind? For these first few weeks
Day one down. 2007-09-04 17:17:00 Mostly, anyway. All I've got left for the day is work, which I hope won't be too difficult. I can almost guarantee it's going to be slow the majority of the time. That's always good considering I've already got homework I need to begin working on.I had only two classes today, Japanese and Shakespeare. After seeing how the rest of the class was, in regards to their Japanese, I felt a little better. I'm not the only one who was a little rusty after a summer of next to no study. I did study a little, though not nearly as much as I'd hoped I would. Both classes were your basic, "This is the syllabus. This is how the class works," introduction-type things. Nothing too exciting, at least not yet.I just hope all continues to go well. I hope I can handle everything. From the looks of it, I should have enough down time and homework time as to not be too stressed out, but I guess that's a wait and see sort of deal. You never know with me, that's for sure. Let's all hope Janna can remai
One last day of freedom. 2007-09-03 17:20:00 Today's my last day before class and work will consume my life once again. Part of me dreads it, and the other part welcomes it. The structure it will give my life will enrich it. It will give me purpose and drive. It will also add stresses and worries to my already overstressed conscious. Either way, it's coming and I can only hope I'm ready for it.Ross and I spent the afternoon together, mostly because we know we won't get to see as much of each other as we'd like once our busy schedules begin. Once, maybe twice a week is all we'll see of each other aside from our workouts at the rec center in the mornings. We saw the Simpsons movie, which was brilliant, of course. I will miss seeing him as frequently as I have been. Our time together is so joyous and happy. I feel content and complete with him. I really do.Something still feels strange, however; I'm not sure what this feeling is. Perhaps I need to sit down awhile and try to figure it out. Maybe it's just more anxiety about t
<3 x 2 = ? 2007-09-01 08:32:00 Today's a big day. I'm working right now in St. Paul, which isn't as bad as I'd figured it'd be. Yes, the state fair is going on. But I also started at 6 AM and it probably won't get busy until the final hour of my shift. Following that, Ross and I are having lunch as it is our two month anniversary. Yes, I know, it's ridiculous to keep track of such a short period of time. Still, I think it warrants some sort of date-type thing. Following that I'll probably be frolicking about Middlebrook Hall greeting friends as they move in.Speaking of the two month thing, I feel a need for a state-of-the-relationship address. I'm not going to do this every month, so you needn't worry. I just feel like doing it now because it was on my mind last night as I was trying to sleep.I think all is going well, but being who I am, I am worried. I'm worried I'm becoming too dependent on Ross for support. I'm hoping this has been merely something that's occurred recently because I just haven't h
Chinchilla costumes 2007-09-28 21:12:00 So, both Petsmart and Petco are doing Halloween pet costume contests. My thought on it is, why not? How many chinchillas will be entered into such contests, do you suppose? So, I decided to play off of Zumi's "Hispanic heritage" and I'm going to make her into a Mexican. I found a cute little sombrero on ebay that I might buy as well as a few other little things to make her Mexicanish. I think it'll be adorable!Though I must say, if the competition's anything like last year's Chiquita banana dachshunds, it'll be tough...Speaking of pets, since I'm possibly moving out of the dorms and into my own apartment-type place I'm seriously considering an addition. Sure, I probably don't have the room and my parents would probably be really pissed off if I did, but it'd be so much fun! I'm thinking either a guinea pig, a bunny, or another chinchilla. Another chin would be most practical, because I could just get a larger cage and put Zumi and the new chin (either a female or neutered ma
It's like the reset button on the Playstation... 2007-09-26 22:01:00 ...just gotta keep hitting it and starting life over again, I suppose.So, here's what's going down. I'm dropping Japanese and political philosophy. I'm cutting down on my hours at work, too, so I can make it to DBT more frequently. I'm possibly going back to the day treatment program at Fairview as well.It's like starting all over again, from scratch, to remake my life so that it's sustainable. It's frustrating. Up until now, I've been building sandcastles that are knocked down by the slightest wave or washed away with the tides. Now I need to build a concrete, permanent structure that will stay the hell put. It doesn't matter if I'm ready or not. This is what I've already begun. If I want to recover, I need to face my anxieties and start taking care of business.I've come up with a daily record that I am going to fill out daily that will record various mental health-related things in order to keep myself on track. I'm going to use a productivity method I learned about thr Read more:button
, reset button
Home sweet... home? 2007-09-23 19:52:00 I hate my "home". This tiny little dorm space... It's so uncomfortable. It's largely my fault that it's so uncomfortable, because it's very messy, but I'd feel much better about it if I had more privacy here. I want space of my own. When I lived with Alicia, that was never a problem. If she was around, she'd just put her headphones on and ignore me. Even then, she'd usually spend hours a night studying at the library so I never needed to worry about having enough me-time. Plus, I was comfortable with her around because I like being around her.I'm looking into getting a studio apartment for next semester. That would be very nice. I'd have it all to myself. Just me. All MINE. No begging people for rent or utility money. No fussing over cleaning duties. No having to put up with my roommate's douchebag boyfriend. Ahhh, it'd be wonderful. Or, at least, that's what I think.I'm just not happy these days. There are so many things on my mind, so many things keeping me down. I feel
Damn... 2007-10-02 23:23:00 Maybe the pills really do work.I took an Adderall and a Buspar tonight so I could get going on homework or something productive. I wrote four articles for my freelance job. That's the most I've ever done in one sitting. I'm quite amazed at myself, and rather proud. I really can do this. It's a great sense of accomplishment.Plus, I just made an easy $80 while being paid to sit in a parking booth for six hours. Can it get much better?I was looking at schedules for next semster. As of right now, I'm looking at retaking human evolution and picking up intro to film study and geology and cinema. Yes, that's right - a class about geology and cinema. It covers my physical science credit and there's nothing better than getting credit to watch Dante's Peak and pick it apart for being entirely unrealistic. Whoo. I may also pick up a distance learning course or two that I can save to work on over the summer, but we'll see. I may just pick those up over the summer if I end up taking Finnis
That sucked. 2007-10-01 15:20:00 I just blacked out and found myself on the ground spasming for a short period of time. No idea where that came from.This morning, I went down to eat "breakfast" (though it was nearly noon) and guess who I saw? Douchebag. He's just about as good at ignoring me as I am at ignoring him. It doesn't matter, though, because just the unsightly sight of him makes me cringe. It brings back intense feelings of hatred and disgust. It also brings back fear. But what do I have to be afraid of? It's all done and over with and he can't hurt me anymore, so what am I afraid of?Love.Now, you probably realized from my last entry that despite that fear I've already gone off the deep end anyway. What can I say? I can't help it. Though my anxieties paralyze me in other areas of my life, because this area has an emotional aspect there's really no way I can control it because my emotions aren't easily controllable. If I were to think logically, I'd tell myself, "Don't. Not yet. Wait till he says tho
In your eyes... 2007-09-30 22:53:00 In your eyes, I see the future. I see a hope for a better life and a reason to keep on living.In your eyes, I see beauty. Kind eyes are the most pretty of all things.In your eyes, I see compassion. Despite my flaws, you do not leave me.In your eyes, I see intelligence. An insatiable craving for information drives you.In your eyes, I see happiness. Words cannot convey the joy your eyes express.In your eyes, I see warmth. Just a quick gaze wraps me in a blanket of comfort.In your eyes, I see myself. My image reflects, revealing how close we have become.In your eyes, I see you. Everything else I see is great, but this is the most important of all....I love you.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
Savor these moments... 2007-09-29 23:54:00 I know it won't last, but for the moment things are going splendidly.Awaking early, I dolled myself up and stepped out to catch the train to the mall. There I met my mom, and, per usual, I was thoroughly spoiled. That tends to happen after I've had a rough time. Though I must say, I did get some things I was in need of, like a new coat for when it gets a little colder. I did love my old fuchsia one but it's so badly worn at this point. My new one is a black brocade fabric with a faux fur fringe. It's very elegant looking. I enjoy it. Also, thanks to a 50% everything sale at Hot Topic, I got three new Hello Kitty shirts. That in itself will put a smile on my face any day!Around 3:00, my mom and I left the mall and met up with my dad. Dropping off my mom's gas-guzzling Trailblazer, we hopped into my dad's car and drove back to Minneapolis. There, I directed them to the apartment I'm looking at renting as of next semester. Much to my excitement, they actually really like the place.
"Take this sinking boat, and point it home..." 2007-10-14 23:28:00 Ross and I saw a most magnificent movie today.Once is about the most realistic film I've ever seen. Not in a special effects sort of way, but in a this-is-true-to-reality sort of way. It's an Irish film, a simple musical romance filmed on a small budget with actors I'd never heard of. Despite the fact that I was bawling in the bathroom once the film was over with, I loved it. Yes, I was moved that much by this film that I actually cried at the end. It was simply magnificent. Gorgeous. Beautiful in its detail, adorable in its nuances, and touching in its minimalistic story. I actually downloaded the soundtrack off of iTunes. That's rare for me, being a bit of a pirate (arrrgh) and all. I liked this film and its music that much that I wanted to make sure the artists were supported and I didn't feel like waiting to pick up the soundtrack in a store. I needed to hear it again, in all its splendor.I know, I'm beginning to gush, but in all honesty you should see this film. It's that g Read more:sinking
, point
Zen and the Art of Running a Parking Booth 2007-10-13 16:56:00 I've been reading this book lately called Zen
Mind, Beginners Mind which is apparently a very famous book on Zen Buddhism. I'm finding it fascinating, really. The concepts that are described as Zen really are focused on mindfulness, as I'd suspected, but the way they're explained in such simple forms fascinates me. All of this stuff about emptiness and right practice and zazen is just... awesome. This is why I changed my religious views to "Zen Athiest" on Facebook. I can really see where the philosophies of Zen could enrich my life. I would almost say it is something I should study further and practice so that it'll help with my various illnesses (which it would), but that would mean wanting to get something out of the practice and well, that's just not what Zen's about.So, I'm at work right now, and I'm not happy. I thought this was a regular shift, but somebody messed up and I'm actually working an event right now. I guess in some ways it's easier but it's still not what Read more:Parking
, Booth
Still sick. 2007-10-11 23:06:00 Still sick. Spent the day sleeping. I really wish I could've gone to class and work today, but I know that it was best for me to stay home and rest. Still, it would've been nice to get up and out. Ah well, not much I can do now, is there?Another wonderful thing I found out today: my psychiatrist is going on sabbatical for a few months to have surgery. Not only do I feel bad for him, but I worry about myself. I hope I don't have to start seeing somebody else temporarily. I
Sick. 2007-10-10 22:47:00 I'm sick. It really sucks, not gonna lie. I spent the whole day in bed sleeping, which of course is never fun, and I missed work tonight which isn't good for my paycheck. What I'm most worried about, however, is that I infected Ross with this virus yesterday. I do hope that isn't the case, because I'd feel really bad if it were.Miki was home tonight, too. I hate when she's home. Just her presence bothers me now. I think that when she's around, I'm bothered not so much by the fact that someone else is in the room but that it's her. My past experiences have soured me on her and I just don't like being around her. My mind becomes so negative when she's around, thinking about all the possible ways in which she's judging me or the way I live. Yeah, I know my room's a mess right now. Yes, it might appear to you that I'm lazy. Right now, I'm freakin' sick so I don't give a damn what my stuff looks like or what I look like but what I do give a damn about is that bitch and how
Oh, therapy. 2007-10-09 18:48:00 Therapy went well today. I was surprised how effective it was even though I didn't have much to talk about as far as troubles. It just felt good to let things out, to chat, and to get feedback on things going on in my life. I'm assuming that's the main point behind therapy, even when one goes in feeling good.I went out to dinner with Ross tonight. It was so nice to finally see him. It had felt like an eternity, even if it had only been a few days. Our time together has been sacrificed recently for things like work and school and whatnot. Hehe, the best part was how incredibly affectionate and cuddly he was, since he'd missed me so much. It was quite the adorable spectacle to anyone who saw us, I'm sure.Not much else to write about today, but if something comes up I'll let you know.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
What can you do with a degree in English... 2007-10-08 20:59:00 Apparently you can do a lot of stuff, so here's to hoping that I'll be employable or something.I declared myself an English
major today. It feels good to finally have that under my belt. I am official now. I'm on the mailing list, I'm in the database, and I'm on my way to a bachelor's in English. Whoo. My adviser is really nice, too. She was very helpful and made me feel better about my academic career thus far by telling me she's in her fifth year and also has an incomplete class or two.DBT tonight was actually pretty fun. We had some good conversation while we went over emotion regulation worksheet four, and I felt like I learned a lot about various emotions, too. There is one woman in the group who I find a little frustrating, though. She is so incredibly negative. She argues with the therapist and often doesn't get things because of it. The rest of us understand the concepts, even if we're not yet able to apply them to our daily lives. It's interesting to me, really.And n Read more:degree
Craving. 2007-10-08 00:27:00 If you know anything about borderline personality disorder, you probably know that a key trait of it lies in impulsive behavior. My particular vice happens to come in the form of shopping. It isn't severe enough that I'm in major debt or anything, hence why I've been diagnosed with "borderline traits" rather than the full-blown disorder, but it's still rough.This week, I've wanted nothing more than to buy a new pet. I contemplated everything from a bunny or guinea pig to a four year old cat named Thomas Jefferson. I can't get anything now because I'm obvious still in the dorms, but that didn't stop me from scheming. I ended up looking at a cat shelter today as well as a couple pet stores and after a bit of mental anguish I think I got over my craving.I don't think I really did anything to stop it, except talking to a boy working at one of the pet stores I visited and finding out that they regularly get in lionhead bunnies. I figured then that I could get one after I had moved
Arrrghsdlfkjsf. 2007-10-05 16:43:00 I can't wait to move out of here so I never have to see Miki OR Senor Douchebag ever again.Like today, I ran into him (the former significant other, for those who are confused) twice. Both times we ignored each other but DAMN it pisses me off. Maybe it's because he was wearing one of the shirts that I bought for him today, or maybe it's because I'll hate that piece of shit until the day I die. Either way, it sucks. When I went down for dinner he and Max were there, too. I said hello to Max, and completely ignored the douchebag. I might have, you know, sat and ate with Max and had a nice, relaxing meal, but nooo. I hate that motherfucker so much....Please excuse my language. I need something to punch right now.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
What the hell... 2007-10-05 00:31:00 Okay, so I came home tonight to this: "Ugh, that chinchilla kept me up all night!"First of all, she agreed to let the chinchilla live with us. She even encouraged me to get her in the first place. So, there's honestly nothing I can do about that. And that's what I said in reply.This turned into a big "discussion". Basically, Miki thinks I need to "communicate more". For example, if something's bothering me that she does, I'm supposed to tell her about it.First of all, if I were to do that, it would take me hours to get through all of the things that bother me about her. Second, that's not how I work. I am non-confrontational, and whether or not that's a good thing I'm unsure, but I like it that way. It frustrated me at first when I was in Japan, but soon I realized that the non-confrontational lifestyle is really by far easier. It could also be labeled as "laid back", in a sense. If something bothers me, I shrug it off and I don't make a big deal out of it. I see Miki's style
Seriously. 2007-10-04 18:29:00 I want that. Isn't he adorable? That's the bunny on Craigslist that I just absolutely cannot resist. I e-mailed the person with a few questions about him and I've been checking my e-mail constantly today in hopes they'll get back to me. I want a bunny, dammit! And if I'm going to get one, it might as well be freakin' adorable like this lil' guy.Today has been busy but fruitful. I have officially dropped Japanese and political philosophy and I picked up two distance learning courses, intro to psychology (appropriate, given my circumstances) and this American literature course I need for my major. I have until August to complete those. Oh yeah, I made an appointment to declare my English major today, too. I'll be doing that next Monday.What's even better than all of that is that I finished my homework for Shakespeare and made it to class and everything! Yay! It feels good to be caught up. Now I just need to suffer through Henry IV and reread the plays we've covered for my midte Read more:Seriously
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