Owner: th1nk p1nk URL:http://th1nk-p1nk.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:49:09 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: My blog about coping with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and other mental illness issues. Site statistics:Click here
What the hell am I anyway? 2007-07-13 08:12:00 I have been thinking lately about my various diagnoses, and I've come to a conclusion. Call it a cop-out if you will, but I honestly think there is not one "mental illness" that fits me to a T (with generalized anxiety disorder being the exception). I'm not quite borderline, so they say "shows borderline traits", though I think I've got enough of those traits to constitute borderline. I have manic and depressive episodes but I'm not quite bipolar. I have severe, random anxiety. It's all such a mixture. The DSVM (what psychologists use to classify these things) tries to pigeon-hole patients into these categories and when they just don't quite fit in any of them they stuff that square-shaped peg into the circle-shaped hole, like they've done with me. It's all rather confusing.Ah well. No use dwelling on it to much, huh? Either way, my symptoms have been much more manageable. I've been feeling those "borderline traits" a lot recently, with the new relationship and all. I feel mys
More on why I love my job. 2007-07-13 06:23:00 Last night I was working the relief shift again, which is where I go around to different parking ramps or lots and give people their half hour breaks. The guy at 4th street never takes his, so I go to the student union and hang out during the 45 minutes I have free. Who should I run in to yesterday evening but... ROSS! He was sitting in the world's most comfortable chairs reading a book. So while I waited for my next break, I cuddled with Ross. And got paid for it.This is more evidence of why my job is amazing.
Day off, kinda. 2007-07-18 01:14:00 Today I did not work. Sort of.What I didn't realize when I scheduled myself was that I picked up a night shift for Wednesday morning. Ugh. Feeling stupid about that one. So, though I had all of Tuesday off, I still had to be to work at 12:45 AM. And so I am here.Even so, yesterday was amazing. I spent the majority of the day with Ross, which in itself is awesome. He and I ate dinner, got some pie at Baker's Square, and followed up that mass consumption of calories with a long walk down by the river. We sat at my favorite spot, a small beach at the end of the trail. Sitting there with him was by far the highlight of the day. I've never done anything so... romantic. Just the two of us, looking out at the river, enjoying the beautiful (albeit hot) day. It was simply amazing. If only that moment could've lasted forever...It was so difficult to pry myself off of him when he had to go home. I would've loved it if he could have stayed, but unfortunately because of my night shift tonight
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy 2007-07-16 18:00:00 So, today was my first day of DBT. I must say, it was incredibly useful. We're beginning with the emotion regulation unit which is something I obviously need to work on. This is all giving me a lot of hope. Hope that somehow, some way, I can function like a normal individual without being hindered by my emotions or quirky behaviors.I'm feeling much better in general today, really. In DBT we were told to try to identify our feelings, and today I am feeling rather peaceful. I am also excited for tomorrow as it is my first day off in nearly two weeks. I need it, believe me! In fact, I keep having to check my schedule to make sure that I really do have the day off. It's almost overwhelming to think that tomorrow I won't step foot in a parking booth. Though I must admit, I do work the night shift Wednesday so at 12:45 on Wednesday morning I have to work.Therefore, the plan for tomorrow is therapy in the morning, Dad coming over in the afternoon to fix my bike, and hanging out with Ross Read more:Therapy
The sickness. 2007-07-19 20:59:00 Well, Ross has got me sick. He was feeling very ill yesterday and now I'm beginning to feel a headache and sore throat coming on. Not much I can do about it, though. And I still
Fun-filled, albeit busy, week. 2007-07-21 08:25:00 This week's going to be crazy-busy. I work insane hours tomorrow. Night shift, then four and a half hours in the afternoon, then another night shift. Then Monday is DBT and more work. It'll be crazy, yes, but I had to take two days off of work in the middle of the week to go home. I need to see my eye doctor and my dermatologist. It'll be my first time home since spring break. Isn't that crazy? I haven't been back to Waseca in months! Not that I mind, though. It's rather boring there. It'll be nice to come home and see everybody again.The downfall to being so busy this week is that I won't get to see Ross hardly at all! I was looking at my schedule and it looked like we wouldn't get a chance to do anything together until next Saturday, but then I found a place where we could squeeze in breakfast on Thursday. When something is important, I always find a way to fit it in and make it happen. And Ross is up there on my priorities!Today, the busy shall continue. After work, I may b
pwn'd 2007-07-24 12:31:00 So, Miki got on me about dishes again. And this time, I blew her out of the water. What was my big arguing point that scored me the winning points?I WASHED HER AND TY'S DISHES THE OTHER DAY.And it wasn't a bit deal. So I said that. She was so flustered. It was great. I also mentioned how Sky's done their dishes and mine before and never complains. Hellz yeah.Now Miki's all mopey. Too freakin' bad. She deserves it after badgering me so much.
Faith, or lack thereof. 2007-07-23 02:16:00 For those of you reading this who didn't already know, I am an atheist. I've tried to believe in some sort of higher power, but it just doesn't work for me. I'm the kid who never saw ghosts at night, never had monsters under her bed, never believed in Santa Claus. I just don't have that ability to believe in magic or miracles. I haven't got it in me.Today my mom was telling me about how my brother and his girlfriend went to church with my aunt and uncle. Their church is one of those massive suburban megachurches. Evangelical central. That's my family - evangelical Christians. I feel so out of place among them. When my mom suggested I go to church with my aunt and uncle sometime, it made me feel even worse. Mostly I am afraid that my aunt will ask me to go sometime and I'll have to turn her down. I refuse to go to church. It creeps me out. I just don't feel right in those places, and we all know how much I need to put myself into a situation where I don't feel right.What would Read more:Faith
Feeling like a bia-chhh. 2007-07-27 22:09:00 So, tonight I'm working at the art museum parking garage. I figured there must be some sort of event for it to be staffed until 1 AM, though that was just an educated guess. There is a party going on in the museum, some rich guy's party of some sort. I can tell he must be rich because everyone coming in and out has a BMW or a Mercedes. I feel bad because these people are supposed to get stamps on their tickets that let them out free but some people forgot to get it stamped. Then they get mad at me.So, why do I feel bad if it's their own fault for forgetting?I don't really know. It's not my problem, really. I'm just following the rules so I don't get myself fired.In other news, I miss Ross. I want Ross time. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like the opposite of a bitch. Whatever that is. A non-bitch? Hehe.
Read more:Feeling
Incredibly awkward... 2007-07-27 10:03:00 Wow, this is awkward.Douche- I mean, Lief, the former significant other, is sitting right across from me. On his laptop. Not saying a word. God, can he make things any more awkward? I happened to be here at the student union when he walked in. I said hi, waved, and thought he might come over and chat a little. Instead, he sits down in the chair across from me, talks ever so slightly, and is now acting like I don't exist. Like he's not going to let my presence bring him down because he's still on a high after finally hooking up with his best friend.What a loser.Looking at him, it only makes me appreciate the fact he dumped me all the more. He's so uncomfortable-looking, not to mention it looks like he hasn't showered in a couple days, per usual. He's wearing the same old t-shirt and tight jeans as he always does. When will that boy ever learn some sort of proper fashion sense? And this is the much improved, post-Janna Lief I'm describing. He was even worse before I got to him.I w
Crazy busy tired. 2007-07-26 19:24:00 Lately I've been feeling exhausted. I just can't stay awake half the time. I get tired
so easily. I couldn't make it to lecture today so I've decided I'm going to retake human evolution in the spring. It seems to be the best option given my circumstances.I feel like I hardly ever get to see Ross lately, too. It sucks. We're both so busy and our schedules don't always match up. I did get to see him this afternoon and I'll see him again in a little bit here, but it's still tough. I really like being with him, so the fact that I can't be with him as much as I'd like is frustrating, to say the least.Life needs to slow the hell down sometimes.
Read more:Crazy
Good day, bad day. 2007-07-29 17:34:00 Good day: Spending the day kitty shopping/kitty adopting with Ross.Bad day: Spending the day sleeping when I should be at Warped Tour because I am so incredibly exhausted and sick-feeling.Yesterday was pretty much amazing. Ross and I went to the St. Paul humane society to look at the kitties. I had a feeling that once we got there, he wouldn't be able to resist the adorableness that would surround us. After viewing the kittens, we made a round or two with the adult cats. I figured he'd want to take a few out and play with them in the cat visiting rooms, but rather than do that he decided he wanted a kitten. He seemed to have already picked out the very first kitten we saw.Her name at the shelter was Lil' Homie. The sign said she was short-hair, but judging by how fluffy she was the shelter volunteer said there was no way she would be a short-hair when she grew up. Ross and I held her and pet her for awhile before he finally had made up his mind. This was the one. This eight week old
Awakening experience. 2007-08-01 21:59:00 If you hadn't already heard, there was quite the tragedy here in my beloved Minneapolis. The bridge that carries 35W over the Mississippi collapsed into the river. Seven are confirmed dead, dozens injured.For the record, I am okay.Ross and I were having dinner in Dinkytown when it happened, which is very close to the bridge itself. When we came out we heard sirens and saw a plume of smoke reaching into the air. We figured there was a fire, and I suggested we go "see what was burning". We couldn't see clearly, so we thought we'd walk through campus for awhile. What else can two poor college students do on a romantic evening out except walk down by the river?We could finally see once we were by the river exactly what was happening. We found a footbridge that I didn't even know had existed. Walking out onto it, we finally got the full scope of what had happened.Right before our eyes, a bridge that my dad and I have taken dozens of times going to and from the university lay crumbled in Read more:experience
One month. 2007-08-01 15:45:00 So, Ross and I have been together for one month as of today.Thoughts? Well, I'm thinking it's pretty amazing. I remember way back, seeing his OkCupid profile and Facebook page and being intrigued but still far too hurt from my previous relationship to pursue anything. Especially considering that Ross and Lief seem similar if you look at their interests and majors. When we finally met at Hard Times Cafe in June, my first thought was, "Oooh, cutie." Did I imagine I'd be where I am now with him? Not really, but that's why life is so fascinating. You never know what's going to happen.Am I happy? Of course! I'm glad to have found someone who treats me right for once. Someone who actually cares about me as a person, not just my body. I felt bad about comparing him to Lief before, because that's what I had a tendency to do at first. Lief was my first serious relationship so of course he was all I really had to compare to. Now when I compare, I realize just how much better things are no
Cuteness. 2007-07-31 14:52:00 I had to post this picture because it's just too god damned cute! Don't you think? Hehe, yes, Ross and I are adorable.I can't wait to get done with work. I'm going to Ross's to play with the kitty. I've got three more hours in this little box before I'm finally set free. I'm feeling much better now about work and everything, though. A good bunch of sleep works wonders.I feel like I've accomplished a lot so far today, really. I caught up on my sleep, went to work, and even got some of my logic homework done. I'm beginning to understand logic, too. It's pretty easy and I'm incredibly thankful I don't have to sit through a lecture because I know that'd be a nap waiting to happen right there.My camping trip is coming up soon and I have no idea where we're going or who is coming with. Sky and Chrissy now want to change the date but I am all against that. It was enough of a hassle to get off of work for that weekend, let alone to go and take another weekend off. My last weeken Read more:Cuteness
Sickness. Again. 2007-07-30 14:52:00 I think I'm sick again. I'm coughing badly and feeling run down. I left work early this morning because I just couldn't handle it. I can't handle these hours anymore. I've reached my breaking point. I knew I'd get there eventually, though. I knew I'd hit a downward swing. It's inevitable when you've got this illness.I can't wait to go to DBT today. It gives me hope that someday I won't have these swings and that I'll be able to function all the time. It grounds me and makes me realize that I'm not the only one going through this. Plus, it's fascinating learning about how emotions work and why we have them. It reminds me of the times when I wished I felt nothing and makes me realize that life without emotion would be incredibly dull. Sure, it can suck a lot having these emotions, but if I didn't have any emotions I wouldn't have the good ones, either.I just need to get through the next twenty seven hours or so until I get to go over to Ross's again and play with the kit Read more:Sickness
, Again
What goes around, comes around. 2007-08-05 17:18:00 Wow. I talked with a friend on the phone this afternoon and found out a former friend of mine from back home was bad mouthing me to a bunch of people. My friend stood up for me and totally shut down this other chick. Ha, I have awesome friends.Still, this girl was saying bad things about things that I did or said a year ago. She's saying I ruined her trip when we were in Germany because I got pissed about the other kids getting drunk irresponsibly. What do I mean by irresponsibly?Hm, how about leaving a kid behind when you know he's blasted drunk? One of the German kids from our sister school who went with them to a bar one night got super drunk, left to use the bathroom, and never came back. They decided, "Oh well, he's German, he'll find his way back!" when this kid's in Dresden, a city he's been to maybe twice before in his life. They came back to the hostel, where I'd stayed behind due to exhaustion. When they came back drunk, I laughed it off because I knew it'd happen eve Read more:comes
Damn feelings. 2007-08-05 08:37:00 I told myself I'd take it easy this time around, but I can't help what my heart tells me. I know what it's telling me, too, despite the fact that it scares the hell out of me. Yes, that's right: Janna is falling in love.Why now? Why so early? I honestly can't explain it. I think it's just the way I am. I get attached too easily. I'm trying to control it, though not combat it. You can't stop yourself from loving. Still, I think when a major heartbreak is in your not-so-distant past, it's difficult to allow yourself to love again, especially so soon. Still, when I look into those eyes, it takes all I have in me to hold back those three words...I know it's too soon, dammit. I know neither of us is quite ready. Close, but not quite. My heart always finds some way to betray my mind's logic. Still, if I'm feeling this way I know it means I must trust him that much. You've got to trust another a great deal to openly give your heart to them. I trusted another with my heart once an
But... I like sleep!! 2007-08-03 07:14:00 Sooo... I kind of, um, forgot I had to work last night. I was supposed to work the night shift. I got a call at 2 AM reminding me of it.Whoops.I ended up not going in because when they called I was half awake already and couldn't imagine getting up. It feels almost as if it were a dream now, come to think of it. I know it was real, though, because I checked my call log on my phone.Speaking of phones! I'm getting a new cell phone! At LAST! My poor old phone is on its last leg. I'm excited to have a shiny new cell phone.I see Dr. Hardrict, my psychiatrist, today. I normally love seeing him but now it seems almost like an annoyance. I haven't felt hardly any symptoms of any of my various disorders for some time now. That's something to be thankful for, yes, but it's still annoying when you have to see the doctor anyway, especially when he's over an hour's bus ride away. I'm hoping he'll take me off the Abilify this time. I wouldn't mind it except that it makes me voraciously hu
Minnesota pride. 2007-08-02 20:07:00 I am proud to be Minnesota
n.Honestly, despite this disaster people here have really pulled together. The emergency response was amazing, and the flood of news media has only echoed what we've always heard: Minnesota's a wonderful place with incredibly nice people. "Minnesota Nice" isn't just a myth. Of course, neither is the Minnesota accent, as Senator Amy Klobuchar reminded the entire country today. I voted for her and think she's great, but her accent is way thick.Still, I decided to put on one of my U of M t-shirts that says "Minnesota" on it today. It reminds me of being in Japan, being asked where I was from. I could have just said "America", but I always told them my state. I'm not especially fond of the other states in this country. I'd never want to live anywhere else here. Other Americans are far more rude than should be allowed by society. At least we have some sense of decency and manners up here. I also love how I can live here in the city and yet be so close to natu
Psychosis? 2007-08-09 12:21:00 I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not showing symptoms of psychosis. Perhaps not, because I can tell that these thoughts I have are not true to reality but I still think them anyway. I think it's more a case of paranoia. I am paranoid about running into the ex. I am so afraid of it, the thought paralyzes me. I am constantly looking around, hoping I won't see him. I feel like a freak for even thinking these things.So yeah, I'm not doing any better today. In fact, I think I'm doing worse. At therapy they said they think it might be because I went off of Abilify. It's an anti-psychotic drug. I hate it because it's made me gain weight. I feel so ugly because of that. I want to be pretty again. Ross tells me I'm pretty but I just can't see it. I look in the mirror and see this bloated, inflated face that looks nothing like it did a year ago. I blame it all on the meds, too, because I'm hungry all the time thanks to them. Maybe I've always been hungry. I don't know.I'm still tempt
Parisian chocolate. 2007-08-08 06:37:00 Ross gave me some fancy French chocolate yesterday, and it is amazing. Deliciousness. It was very thoughtful of him, too. It made me very happy.I'm not feeling especially well today. Negative thoughts are intruding far too often. I keep thinking about the former significant other because I had a dream about him last night. Well, not really about him, but he was in it. Never in my life have I felt such passionate feelings towards another... First love, and now hate. It's almost like it's the same feeling just colored a little differently. I still get paranoid, afraid I'll run into him while on campus. I don't want to see him, and yet part of me does. I want to see him but refuse to speak to him. I want to shun him. I want to... to hurt him.I've never wanted to intentionally hurt anyone before in my life. I'm a peaceful person, someone who is normally so full of love and kindness. I'm able to admit that. Yet with this one individual, I can honestly say that I would find pleasure Read more:Parisian
I can't wait to go back to Minneapolis already... 2007-08-11 01:27:00 I have been in Waseca for less than twelve hours and I'm already missing Minneapolis
.Mostly, I miss my friends. I've been missing them all summer. I can't wait until they all come back again for school. I went to a party here in Waseca tonight with a bunch of old friends from high school. It wasn't really even fun. There were some fun people, like Adam, Sky, Chrissy, and Catie, but most of the remainder were essentially losers. Some of them were people I used to admire. Others were people I was once friends with. I have little to no interest in fraternizing with them anymore. They really only hung out with me in high school because of my camcorder and because I was friends with Sky and Chrissy. None of them liked me as a person. My friends at school like me for who I am.I had a few drinks, but not all that much as I had to drive home. It sucked that they didn't have much of anything I liked. Nothing fruity. I'm a weakling when it comes to alcohol. But hey, why drink it if it tast
Worry. 2007-08-15 23:08:00 Far too much of my life is spent worrying. I worry about everyone and everything. I'm a lot like my mom in that respect, which in itself worries me immensely.The worry of the day is about Ross. I acted really weird around him today and I'm not happy about that. I'm not sure why I was that way, either. Maybe going back on that medication has me goofed up. I don't know. Either way, I hate to go a week and a half without seeing him and having a day like today be the last time we're together during that time. It might not seem like long to you, but to me it's an eternity. I'm strange like that, though.Still, some old behavioral quirks I used to display with the former significant other (i.e. general ditzy moments, etc.) are beginning to return as I become more and more comfortable around Ross. It scares me because I don't want another relationship to end in ruin like the last one did. Sure, that ended largely because there wasn't enough room for the both of us in his heart, and Ro
Money money money. 2007-08-15 08:12:00 Gotta have money. I got paid today, and I am happy and yet disappointed. I was hoping my check would be bigger, but I'll survive. I'm not sure why it was as big as it was last time anyway. Still, the money is good. I still have a few books left to buy and I have to pay my mom back for various books. That's a good $300 in itself. Add to that bills that need to be paid and food that needs to be bought and you've got one poor Janna. Still, I'll be getting my check from Buzzle next week sometime and my paycheck from parking was around $450. That gives me a good $630, which should tide me over for the next couple weeks.So, as a present to myself for working so hard this summer, I bought myself a little gift. I finally bought myself a Nintendo DS. In pink, of course. It's such a fun little toy. I love it.Yes, I am a nerd.Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
Regression. 2007-08-13 12:10:00 Two steps forward, one step back. Or so they say.Thanks to my brilliant idea of stopping the Abilify, I sent myself into a regression. On Saturday I was supposed to make a movie with my friends. Didn't happen. I couldn't do it. I was frozen, held back by my anxieties. I'm not even sure what I was anxious about. I didn't go to Valleyfair with them, either. I did get to go to a movie with Ross instead, which was nice, but later that night I began to feel bad again.It's this feeling like I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay in. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be with others. This is the only way I can put this emotion into words. In fact, I don't even know if there's a name for it. There probably is but my vocabulary isn't that spectacular. Either way, it's a horrible feeling.Group therapy helped me a lot today. It brought up a lot of difficult emotions but at the same time the
Vaycay 2007-08-17 07:48:00 So, I'll be leaving for my week-long vacation soon. My family and myself are headed to a cabin on Bay Lake, which is supposedly near Brainerd. It should be interesting, at least. The best part is - NO WORK!!! If that's not good for my mental health, I don't know what is.Even better news came yesterday, though. I called my psychiatrist and he is taking me off of Abilify and putting me on Topamax! I'm super excited! It isn't supposed to increase my appetite and it should have the same affect on my mood. I can only hope it'll work just as well if not better at keeping my mood stable. My school work is going to be depending on it.I'm not sure if I'll have net access while I'm away, so in case I don't, I'll see you all in a week! Buh bye!Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
Yawn. 2007-08-16 15:35:00 I'm tired. Tired of work, tired of life, and tired in general.I took a long nap today but it didn't quite do it. I really want to see my psychiatrist so I can get something done about these freakin' meds. I am not going to suffer with this Abilify crap any longer. I refuse. I'm going to call him up this afternoon and leave him a message. At therapy they recommended I ask about Geodon or Topamax as alternatives as they're in the same class of drugs. Perhaps he can call in a perscription for me. Just anything to get off the Abilify.I really wish I could see Ross tonight. That would give me something happy to look forward to. Sure, I should be happy and excited for vacation, but I'm not. I don't want to go at this point. I just want school to start. I want to move back in the dorms, get settled, and start over again. I do love a fresh start.Why can't it be September yet?Digg This! ~ del.icio.us ~ Stumble It!
FISH. 2007-08-21 14:13:00 That's right, Janna caught a fishie. A HUGE fishie. A nine and a half inch long sunfish. I'm pretty proud of it. I'm especially excited to eat it. Mmm, fish. I do love me some fish.The trip is still going fairly well. The weather's cleared up a little so I can go on my cousin's borrowed jet skis this afternoon. It should be a good time. I've been wanting to try a jet ski since I played that one jet ski race game for the Nintendo 64. I'm a geek, I know it.This afternoon we had a fascinating conversation about religion. Somehow my aunt got on the topic of Islam. That spurred the talk of how the Muslim Somali immigrants here get "special treatment" (which, yeah, they do a little, but it's not that big of a deal) and how Islam is a "false religion". When they talked about extremism, I defended Islam by mentioning the Westboro Baptist Church, who are those people protesting at soldiers' funerals. There is extremism in any religion, whether one is Christian, Muslim, atheist, Buddhis
Rain, rain, go away. 2007-08-20 12:33:00 Isn't that how it works? After months of drought-like conditions, we finally have rain. Except it's during our week-long vacation. Thank you, nature.Things have been alright thus far, even with the rain. I'm surprised I haven't been driven crazy by the family yet. I'm here with my parents, grandparents, aunt, two uncles, and cousin; a good portion of my extended family on my mom's side. For those who are new to reading, you should know that while I am incredibly liberal and atheist, my family is largely made up of conservative evangelical Christians. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable at times, but it really hasn't been too bad yet. There was a little discussion of politics earlier today in which I just said I wouldn't vote for Norm Coleman, and my aunt said, "Well, you wouldn't vote for Al Franken, would you?"Hmm... My boyfriend interns for Al Franken, and I agree with the vast majority of his platform, so of course I wouldn't vote for him.I'm waiting to go fishing n
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