Owner: th1nk p1nk URL:http://th1nk-p1nk.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:49:09 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: My blog about coping with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and other mental illness issues. Site statistics:Click here
You betta treat me right! 2007-06-11 05:16:00 Today I realized something. I thought I'd realized it before but it took a comment from Sky today to show me how apparent it was to others as well. Lief (the former significant other) was a complete and total jerk to me most of the time. He always tried to make me look stupid, as if it made him look better. He put me down, he consistently tried to refute anything I said, and he essentially called me stupid on a number of occasions. What kind of boyfriend is that? I realized this afternoon that if such a relationship had continued I would've never been able to recover from my mental illness. He was honestly a horrible boyfriend, now that I'm able to look back more objectively. He led me on as to the seriousness of our relationship, he lied to me, albeit unwittingly or at least that's what he says, and even when things were going well his constant put downs only drug me down to a level below him. He said he wanted equality but he never would've found it because he pushed me down.I f Read more:treat
Night Shift. 2007-06-17 04:15:00 I'm working the night shift right now. It's pretty nice. I have done a total of five minutes of actual work. The rest of the time has been spent chatting online, watching movies, and sitting here listening to music. I am a little worried that tomorrow I'll get anxious because of the lack of sleep but I think I'll be alright. My only real problem right now is that I really have to use the bathroom and I cannot for the life of me find it! I'm not sure where it's located in this ramp. It's really pissing me off (no pun intended). I'll just have to hold it until the next person gets here to take over.Easy money makes for a happy Janna.
Read more:Night
, Shift
, Night Shift
A little better. 2007-06-15 15:00:00 I'm feeling a little
less lonely today. I think getting myself up and to work this morning helped. I didn't make it to work last night, though, which I was disappointed about but it's okay. I'm still making headway when it comes to coping with this anxiety. It's honestly debilitating at times and I think that when I explain to people that I'm having an anxiety attack that they're pretty understanding about it. Anxiety and depression are so much easier to explain than borderline personality disorder. BPD isn't all that common so people have no idea what it's about or they assume that all people with BPD are angry and manipulative. Though that's sometimes the case, it isn't in mine and yet I have enough of the symptoms of it that the diagnosis fits.Ah well.
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Starving. 2007-06-14 22:22:00 I am like those emaciated children from third world countries you see on TV commercials. Not in a literal sense, but when it comes to my personal needs that's how I feel. I'm being starved for affection. When you get so used to feeling someone's warm embrace day after day and suddenly its cut off, it's almost like you are being drained of your very essence. At least, that's how it feels to me. All I really want is for someone to be there to hold me sometimes. I want, I crave that sort of attention in my life. I probably shouldn't give in to the craving. I should become the starving child in that sense so that I won't depend on it for happiness.It's like an addiction and I'm a junkie. Love became my heroin, and now that I'm without it the withdrawal symptoms are in full swing. Symptoms may include anxiety, depression, thoughts of suicide, and overall hatred of self. That's what it honestly feels like when I feel the effects of my starvation. It's like the life is being sucke Read more:Starving
Here it comes... 2007-06-14 15:52:00 Yesterday was my first day of work and I must say it went quite well. I enjoyed getting paid to do nothing. Well, I guess I'll enjoy it more when I get my paycheck but in the meantime it feels good to be getting back to life.Unfortunately, I can already feel myself beginning to get stressed. I worked two shifts yesterday and had to go to a lecture this morning to speak to a professor about make up homework. When I came back home I took a nap and since waking up I haven't felt all that great. Normally naps make me feel better but this one just didn't do the trick. I tried to nap again but couldn't.I know I can do this, though. I know I'm strong enough now to keep going and to live my life the way I want to. I'm strong enough to go to work every day and not flip out about it. It's such an easy job so why should I stress? This was the problem I had before. When I know I have to work on a given day, I get nervous and anxious beforehand. It's difficult to deal with. Right now I'm l Read more:comes
Floating on the clouds. 2007-06-20 13:56:00 Today's as if I were floating on the clouds. The white, fluffy clouds that are covering us today are moving just fast enough to watch them scrape the sky while just slow enough as to not appear rushed by the wind. Just floating, gently with the breeze, puffy pieces of cotton.Contentment. Not happy, not sad. Not elated, not exasperated. Just content. Enjoying life. Enjoying the beauty that surrounds me. Even when I am surrounded by black pavement, stuck between these four walls, I can see that perhaps there is a reason for this existence. We're not here to work, to play, to create, or anything of that nature. We're not here to worship some deity, nor are we here for no reason whatsoever. We're here merely to live.So, why would I waste this life with sadness and despair? I'm trying from now on to be the optimistic person I know is there inside of me. The true Janna is joyful and sees the future as a beautiful existence rather than drudgingly horrible. No longer will I think so pessi Read more:Floating
Douchebags. 2007-06-19 21:27:00 This morning as I was leaving, I stepped outside the front door and was about to head down the stairs like I do every morning. I stop. Where's my bike? Did I leave it somewhere? I peer over to the tree where Sky locks her bike up at. It's gone, too.Sky and I had our bikes stolen last night. I am super pissed off. Just when I was finally beginning to like my bike and had gotten the idea of buying a new bike out of my head! Grr! It is infuriating that people can't leave others' belongings alone. That was my bike. Not theirs.Unfortunately, I need a bike. It's essential to my lifestyle up here right now. During the winter I manage without it because I have to (not that I enjoy it) but right now with my work and therapy schedules I need a bike to get around. The bike I bought today is adorable, though. It's a pink cruiser that looks like it was plucked right out of the 1950s. It works well, too! I think I'll be happy with it.Wow. I'm at work now and I realized something. Out of thre Read more:Douchebags
Optimism? 2007-06-18 13:23:00 Optimism is the word of the day. I honestly am feeling optimistic. Sure, the sky's overcast and scattered showers and wind make today seem to be the worst day for optimism. Regardless, I'm feeling good. I started off feeling rather blah but therapy really seemed to help today. I really needed to let some things out so perhaps the therapy was what did it.I'm listening to Sukiyaki by Sakamoto Kyu and, being that I can understand the lyrics, it's a very uplifting song. The actual title means "walk with your head up", and it's very positive. It's all about walking with your head up when you're sad and alone so you can't cry. It makes me happy.I am far too busy today. I had therapy this morning, and following that I've been making up tests and quizzes from last semester. I'm taking a break now to study for my jpop test in a little while. After that I work for eight hours. Talk about a full day! I like it, though. There's no time for sadness or loneliness. Just time for bettering Read more:Optimism
Werk. 2007-06-23 14:20:00 Lots of working today. Yes, I do mean working. I'm doing actual work. It's the Special Olympics today, so things have been real busy. This morning was pretty awful, really. I accidentally woke up late and once I got there I was on my feet most of the time because people kept coming in. I got yelled at for being late as well. I'm surprised how well I took it, though. I've handled the stress I've been under quite well. I've been working every day for nearly two weeks straight and I'm not minding it so far. Tonight will be a wonderful respite from working, though.Tomorrow morning I've got to go to the Zen meditation center to finish my report for my world religions class from last semester. I'm looking forward to it, if I can manage to stay awake. I think it'll be a good experience for me. If I like it, I may go back. Meditation is an excellent tool for helping anxiety. At first I thought it was ridiculous, but now that I'm getting better at it I'm seeing why it's recommended
Let's get excited. 2007-06-22 06:25:00 Mindless Self Indulgence is coming to First Avenue in September. I am way excited
. They are so ridiculous and I'm sure they're fun live. I can't wait to go! This is why I love living in Minneapolis. I'm just minutes away from First Avenue. Yes, the First Avenue in Purple Rain. I need to see that movie.Overall, I'm very excited about life in general. Things are going very well. I am working a lot which means I'll have a hefty paycheck, I'm seeing friends more, and I've even got a new boy interest. I know, my life should be some cheesy college teen movie.Well, 'tis all for now. Ta ta.
Petco.com loves me. 2007-06-21 16:41:00 I got my packages from Petco today. I highly doubt they made much money on me because of that free shipping deal. There were three big boxes full of stuff! Bedding, a wheel, hamster food, a wood chewie toy, hay... Lots of fun things for my critters. Zumi better like that wheel! And she can't destroy this one. It's impossible. The plastic's so hard she'd have to have incisors of steel to get through it. Even if they can be a hassle and they cost quite a bit of money, I love my pets. I couldn't live without them! They're perfect for calming my anxiety. I recommend to anyone with any sort of mental illness that they get a cute fuzzy creature. They're incredibly therapeutic. Only get one if you'll take care of it, though! If you're busy or lazy, get a fish. They're easy and they're calming as well.Gotta go to work soon. Have a good day.
Um... whoops. 2007-06-27 20:52:00 So, I messed up a bit today. I bought an extra light ash blonde hair dye today to color my hair. Well, ash blonde doesn't like me, because my hair turned grey. Ouchies.I didn't know what else to do, so I dyed the rest of it pink. I didn't want to dye it blonde again because the chemicals would fry my hair so I used the pink dye because it's natural and conditioning. At least my hair is super conditioned now. It feels really good. Still, that was a little more extreme than I really wanted. I'd originally intended to do a super light blonde with black streaks.Yet, what amazes me is the fact that I didn't freak out about this. I might have if I were more emotionally unstable, but I stayed very calm and thought about what my options were carefully. I'm really proud of myself.
New booth! 2007-06-27 13:56:00 Lot 37, where I spend many hours every week, is getting a new parking booth! I'm so excited! I absolutely abhor the current booth. I have to get up, go out the door, and meet the person at the car. I take their money, go back to the booth, make their change, and go back to give it to them. It's a pain in the ass.I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh my, Janna actually has to EARN her money," but it's still a pain. We get our new booth next week and it makes me happy. This lot turns in to a pay exit lots as well, which makes my life much easier.Nothing else new to report here. My mental health has been surprisingly stable recently. I think I'm almost ready to discharge from group therapy. I'll probably do it at the end of next month. In the meantime, it keeps me grounded and gives me a good outlet for letting my feelings out. After I get in to a DBT group (dialectal behavioral therapy, for those who haven't heard of it) I think I'll be able to handle things more on my own.So yea
Da zoo. 2007-06-26 17:56:00 Rather unexpectedly, I went to the Como Zoo today. Sky decided to skip work to join Chrissy, Catie, and Brianna at the zoo, and since I had the time this afternoon I decided to accompany her. I didn't have to be to work until 5:45, so I thought, why not?It was quite a nice time. The walk there was a brutal one, however. Not only was it hellishly hot today but I really had to pee. That made the long walk from the St. Paul campus to Como Park all the longer. We made it, and it was a wonderful afternoon. I won't go in to too many boring details about that.In therapy today we covered something called nonviolent communication. This guy who invented the concept has apparently worked with thousands of people, from teachers to military officials, to put this form of communication to use in workplaces, schools, and even in negotiations with warring countries. It was fascinating the differences between what he called violent, or judgmental, communication and his more objective form of communic
I want my paycheck NOW!! 2007-06-25 21:02:00 I really want my paycheck. I'm working so hard and I want to see a little bit of a reward here. I don't get paid until the 5th. I've already planned out what I'm going to do with the approximately $400 I'll have earned. Over half will go to my parents to cover July's rent. The other half will be divided in half yet again. $100 will go towards paying off my credit card bill. The other $100 will be spending money and grocery money for the next two weeks until I get paid again.That's right, Janna will be fiscally independent! I'm excited for that. Well, sure, not entirely independent. I still depend on my parents to pay my tuition and all. Sometimes I feel a little guilty because compared to my friends they give me an awful lot. I understand that part of it is because they're trying to help me get over my illness(es). They want me to not have to worry about money. The other part of it is that they don't spend their money on themselves very often. Most of what they earn goes towa
Racism. 2007-06-25 15:21:00 "So, Somali's not working today huh?" The man who pulled up to my parking booth asked me. "Heh, I guess not..." I replied hesitantly. I took his ticket, put it in the machine, and got his change. "Here's your change, thank you." I said in my ultra-fake I-love-work voice. "If they don't like our way of life they shouldn't have come here in the first place," His words were filled with hate and bigotry. He smiled as he said this, too.Racism
is so incredibly ugly. Does that man even know what most of the Somalis who have come to Minnesota have had to go through? For those who don't know this, Somalia, AKA the horn of Africa, has been going through a civil war since the early 1990s. Their infrastructure is nonexistent. These people fled their country because they had no choice. They came here because they had no choice. Why they sent these hot-climate dwelling people to the frozen north I'm unsure, but there happens to be a huge population of Somali immigrants in Minnesota and especia
Awesome day. 2007-06-24 19:36:00 Today has been truly wonderful.It began with a trip to the Minnesota Zen Center. I needed to go there for my religion class so I can write a report on it, and I must say that I was rather intrigued. I think I'll go back again sometime because I rather enjoyed it. Maybe I should change my religious views to 'Zen Atheist".Upon returning home, I cooked up some amazing stir fried veggies and rice for lunch that Sky and I enjoyed thoroughly. Yakisoba sauce can make just about anything taste like nirvana. A little while later, Ross came over and we watched Letters from Iwo Jima. The movie was alright, though saying it was a little predictable is a gross understatement. Sure, I knew everyone was going to die because that's just what happened, but the scenes in which they died were terribly cliche. One of the final scenes where Ken Wantanabe's character dies and the protagonist soldier starts crying after Wantanabe shoots himself was supposed to be very dramatic but I couldn't help but l
Good, yet ironically awkward, day. 2007-06-29 23:20:00 Today was pretty much amazing. I say pretty much because there was one rather awkward moment. I was walking to Coffman to meet up with Ross when who should I run across but Lief, my exboyfriend. Instead of greeting me, the bastard laughed his ass off at me because of my hair. Following his utter amusement, he went on to tell me all about this argument he had with his new f*ck buddy- er, I mean, girlfriend's, ex. Um, why do I care? I just asked how he was doing and he started ranting at me. I made a few offhand comments that were perhaps a bit rude but I meant them in a jocular manner, and he basically was attacking me and taking his frustrations out on me. Like he always did when we were together.After a good ten to fifteen minutes of this, I saw Ross. I said goodbye to Lief, who greeted Ross (they know each other, albeit on an acquainted level only) and left.Am I ever sorry I loved him. I never saw the ugliness inside because I was blinded by my emotions. Now I see clearly, and I see
Happyness. 2007-07-04 00:13:00 I just finished watching The Pursuit of Happyness
. It's a beautiful film, and inspirational. Will Smith is a brilliant actor, as is his son.What stuck with me the most about the movie was my own thoughts on happiness. What would make me happy? How hard will I have to work to reach happiness?I want what everyone else wants in life. A loving family, kind friends, a successful career. I want to be a writer. Whether that's a novelist or a screenwriter or both, I don't care. I want to use my words to somehow change the world even if only slightly. Even if only for a few people. Even if it's only my world that changes. I want to change it.I am grateful for all that I've been blessed with. Though I don't believe in any higher deity, I can say that I truly am blessed. I am blessed by life itself. I am physically healthy, and though I suffer from these mental illnesses I am overcoming them. That strength is what will carry me on through the years. That strength is what gives me the will t
Blah. 2007-07-03 17:12:00 Today's been an incredibly blah-type day. I woke up and decided to skip therapy, which I realize is not a wise decision but I just didn't feel very well this morning. I probably would've felt better had I gone but I think part of my problem is that I'm getting a little burned out on this therapy thing. If it were once a week it might be more effective. I'm not really sure.I also am just having doubts about what I'm doing with my life in general. Not so much with the romance side of things, though I am still a little nervous. Am I doing the right thing? Is Ross the right guy for me? I think so, but I guess only time will tell. He's been so sweet to me and from what I can tell things are progressing smoothly. Still, I can't help but wonder if I'm not jumping into things again. It doesn't seem like it to me but I also realize that this disease can distort my perceptions. Let us hope that's not the case.What I believe to be causing this doubt is working too much. Sure, I like my
So much going on... 2007-07-02 08:04:00 So much has been happening lately. Where do I begin?Well, let us start out with the most obvious. Ross and I are officially together now! Whoo! It makes me one happy Janna. And yet, I'm a little nervous. Perhaps I am a little gun shy after what the former significant other did to me. I just don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to rush into a relationship again, either. I really just want to be happy.I shouldn't worry so much. Yesterday I was very happy. I spent most of the day with Ross. We watched a movie, cuddled, got food, cuddled more, and enjoyed each other's company. It was so relaxing and a wonderful reprieve from my busy schedule. I might have stayed longer but this morning I had to be to work at 6 AM again so I couldn't.I still can't shake this nervous, anxious feeling. I think it's from too much work and not enough sleep. I hope that's all it is. I'm not going to let my anxiety ruin things again.
Novelist. 2007-07-08 04:03:00 I am a novelist. I've been working, albeit slowly, on my first ever novel. I wanted to have it done this summer though at this rate I doubt that'll happen. Still, I am proud of my beginning. I have just eight pages. One chapter complete, another just begun. It's difficult to write this because it all must come from memory. It's a book called Memoirs of a Gaijin and it's about my time in Japan in high school. I have a lot of documentation to go off of. I have a journal I kept, though poorly written, that helps to refresh my memories. I have photographs of events, people, and places to help me in describing them. Still, what is difficult for me is remembering the feelings.One facet of borderline personality disorder that has afflicted me more than any other is the inability to remember emotions. When I'm happy, I can't remember what it feels like to be sad. When I'm sad, I can't remember what it feels like to be happy. It's as if those other emotions don't exist. Sometimes I c Read more:Novelist
Determination. 2007-07-07 07:47:00 I'm feeling wonderfully determined. I've been writing down important things like feelings and what I've eaten in my little notebook. I've been eating healthy. I am no longer so nervous about the new relationship, either. I'm determined to make this work out because I couldn't have asked for a sweeter person to be with. Ross is so thoughtful, cuddly, and just fun to be around. I really care for him and I refuse to let thoughts of what happened with the former significant other ruin that.Change is inevitable, therefore I'd like that change to be for the better. I want to change my life so that I can be a better Janna. That means keeping control of my illnesses, working hard at whatever I do, eating right and exercising so that I can get back down to a healthier (and sexier) weight, and continuing to express myself for who I am. That will of course require support from friends, family, and Ross, of course, but I already get that. I know that many people love me already. They'll lo Read more:Determination
Okay better now. 2007-07-06 07:39:00 I'm feeling better
about things now. A good chat with Sky and a good night's sleep seems to have cured my problems. I'm really proud of myself, actually. Despite my anxiety I stayed at work. I didn't go home. I didn't run away. I didn't give in to the borderline....I DID IT! :DI am ecstatic about this. It's a huge step for me. Honestly, as late as a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to do it. But, I did it this time. I can only hope I can continue on this path towards recovery.
Unhappy. 2007-07-05 12:32:00 I'm very unhappy today. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm just not happy. There's a lot weighing on my mind right now. Am I ever going to start eating healthy again and stick to it? Can I lose this extra weight? Was getting into another relationship right now such a good idea? Am I ready for that or not? What is it I really want right now? Am I working too much?I know, I'm worrying excessively. Still, I feel awful. I feel ugly. I wish I could go back to when I was happy. Will I ever feel that way again?I just wish I knew why I felt this way. If there was a concrete cause... I might be able to do something about it. But there's nothing I can do right now except ride it out. Riding out yet another storm.
Sandwich 'n such. 2007-07-11 10:36:00 Once when I was at Perkins with some friends, a friend of mine wanted to order the "Sandwich
'n Such" from the senior citizens menu. Except he wanted just the such. The waitress was throughly confused while we were highly amused.I couldn't make a sandwich for my lunch this morning. We ran out of bread. So, I took some shaved turkey from the fridge and put it in a little bag. I ate it plain. It was still good, but I wanted a sandwich. I really need to go grocery shopping.In other Janna news, I got my grade back for my jpop class. A-. WHOO! That's my best grade in college yet. I'm excited.
Tired. 2007-07-10 16:25:00 I am exhausted today. The minutes are crawling. I'm at work now. I hate life today. I want to sleep. I'm hyping myself up on caffeine just to make it through. I work until 6, then I have to work again at 7 until 10. It's been a long day, that's for sure. I just need to keep thinking that in a week I'll have a huge paycheck coming. That'll be a glorious day. I also have to think about how it won't be long before I'll see Ross again. I miss him. I'm silly, I know.This entry has no meaning. That's okay, though. I'm tired.
...Janna doesn't want to shop? Something's wrong with that. 2007-07-09 17:53:00 So I went to the Mall of America and met my mom there yesterday. She and I ate lunch, wandered the mall, stopped by our favorite stores, and after a few hours I realized I didn't need anything. That's right, this is coming from a girl whose closet is absolutely stuffed with clothes and shoes, a girl who utilizes retail therapy on a monthly basis, if not bi-weekly. And yet, I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy. I bought a couple shirts and some hair bands but that was all. I think my problem was that I'd forgotten to take my medications before leaving. When I got home I took them and I felt alright.Last night was amazing. I spent the night at Ross's place. We watched This is Spinal Tap and did some hardcore cuddling. I'd really missed that contentment and satisfaction I get from being close to someone. I'm happy to at last have that back. I have to be careful not to become too used to it, though. I don't want to become dependent on him like I've done in the past. I've lear
Don't leave me alone... 2007-07-15 12:14:00 I'm feeling the borderline symptoms today. I want to see Ross so badly but he's busy today and I'm getting all of these terrible thoughts in my head. I am suppressing them the best I can but it's incredibly difficult. I can't help but feel like because he's busy today he doesn't want to see me or something. I then get anxious and worried that I'm messing up again. I so badly don't want to mess up again that I know if I continue to think like this I will mess up again. It's this thinking that drives people away from me. That doesn't mean it isn't there, though. It's just a mess... I'm just a mess. I don't even understand why he'd willingly get involved with someone as messed up as I am.It takes a very special person to knowingly walk into a relationship with a borderline. Most people are afraid of us, especially since the diagnosis carries such a stigma with it, even more so than other mental illnesses. I don't have the severe symptoms of the disorder, fortunately. I'm Read more:alone
Don't call me crazy. 2007-07-14 08:27:00 After a long day at work, I finally got to hang out with Ross last night. It was very nice, indeed. We went to Baker's Square for dinner, where he got a sandwich and we both had pie. Mine was this chocolate vanilla crunch pie, which was simply amazing. Oh, how I love pie! Following the pie we lounged around for awhile, watching TV and enjoying each other's company, per usual. Later in the evening I sat him down to discuss my borderline personality disorder and whatnot. I don't want it to mess up another relationship, so we discussed some of the things that I have a tendency to do that I shouldn't and I had him read some passages from some books about borderline. I'm really glad I took the time to do that. If he's willing to be patient and to help me along, I think this relationship will have great potential. It will take a lot of support to keep me strong through difficult times and even good times, but I can tell that he's prepared to be there for me. It's very reassuring to
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