BASEBALL SIGNS
2007-06-18 22:30:00
My eight year old nephew Joel is a second baseman. He wants to pitch.Yesterday his dad taught him the basics: how to hold the ball for different pitches, how to keep an eye on the runner, and the different signs the catcher flashes when calling pitch selection.After a couple hours, Joel was flashed a series of signs and told to name each one. Dad held his hand down and showed the forefinger."Fast ball!"Two fingers were flashed."Curve ball!"Dad was pleased. He then pointed his middle finger down, the sign for a brush back to move the batter off the plate.Joel shook his head. "What's the sign, son?""I don't know.""We went over it. Now think. What's the sign?"Joel shrugged his shoulders and stammered, "F#@k you?"I think Joel's staying at second.
BIG BROTHER, OR BIG MOMMA?
2007-06-23 23:16:00
When Spike told me that New York City was thinking about paying kids to show up for class, I thought he’d finally lost his mind. And when Spike told me that the Big Apple was going to reward poor folks for not getting fired, I packed Spike’s suitcase drove him to the farm. Come to find out, he was right. Students could receive as much as $500.00 per year if they do well on tests, and should they graduate, they will get $400.00 along with a diploma. Students who get a library card will receive $50.00 Poor people can make an extra $150.00 for keeping a full time job, and $200.00 for going to the dentist. When I was a kid, back when parents raised their children and not the Government, we had incentive programs. If you received poor grades you were given an increase in study time. If you didn’t graduate, you were given a low paying job. If you filled out a library card, you were given a book.Grown-ups had incentives too. If they were fired they got bills they could not pay, and if
SOMEONE DONE STOLE A LAKE
2007-06-23 13:53:00
People will steal anything nowadays. When I was growing up you could leave your house and car unlocked. We didn't even have to chain our bikes to a rack.
DEATH OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
2007-06-26 23:50:00
When my nephew Joel was six, his best friend was Al Kopotus. I assumed the boy was Greek. Turns out, he was from the Land of Nod. Al was Joel's imaginary friend. One Sunday, as my sister sat with the sleepy congregation, Joel suddenly rose from the pew and asked the preacher if he would pray for his friend. Al, Joel told the solemn worshipers, had fallen from a Ferris wheel at the State Fair, and had died.The congregation shed a collective tear as the preacher led his flock in prayer. Mortified, my sister bowed her head. Joel found closure.
MY CAT SMACKED UP ON KITTY CRACK
2007-07-09 07:48:00
Spaz likes to stand on her head after huffing catnip.
THE BIRDS, THE BEES, AND ME
2007-07-08 13:34:00
My garden consists of two tomato plants, two Thai dragon peppers, two Habanera peppers, a Jalapeño, a Cilantro, and one sweet Basil plant. I planted them in gallon buckets with rich, dark earth and I give them a shot of Miracle Grow every other week. The plants are doing nicely, thank you. Lush foliage. Sturdy stems. Plenty of blossoms on the tomatoes and peppers.Problem is, I have little fruit for my labor. The bees are on Holiday, and despite the time I’ve put in, my table is suffering from lack of pollination. So is my sex life, but that is another story for another time.Today I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands, so to speak. I bought some Q-tips, a pint of Canadian Mist, and a couple copies of The American Gardener. I’m going to pollinate the plants myself, with the swabs. And you know what they say. “A rose’s a@# through a whiskey glass…” If that doesn’t work, the magazines should put me in the mood.
MY MOM’S A YANKEE
2007-07-13 00:05:00
The guy would not shut up. He was standing in the kitchenware isle of our local thrift store, in a sleepy southern town nestled on the banks of the White Oak River on the coastal plain of the Tar Heel state. Three little kids were leafing through Dr. Seuss books. Frail, gray-haired grandmas dug through used linens. A young college girl picked up a T-fal skillet. The man was railing against the South. He was a Yankee, A New Yorker by birth and a jerk by nature. In a loud, boisterous voice the condescending carperbagger did an impression of a southerner.“There’s a Opossum in the gum tree, maw. Get me a gun and I’ll shoot’ um fer supper”. To a passerby he yelled, “Every hick down here has a truck bed full of empty beer cans, a shotgun, a fishing pole, and a welfare check in his hip pocket. Lazy motherf&#@ers. No wonder you lost the war!”A mother collected her kids and left. The fine southern grandmas worked their walkers toward the front door. Most of the customers ignored
CIGARS, HOT COFFEE, AND IDIOT SAVANTS
2007-07-21 22:09:00
I was looking forward to the truck-load sale held at Prater's antique store. I'd missed the last three. My back was aligned like an contortionist's colon, but I managed to crawl out of bed and pulled into the parking lot as the first box of goodies was unloaded. Two regulars; a sawed-off, cigar chomping ex-marine with a crew cut, and a steely-eyed, tall drink of water with a bouffant hairdo, charged the box. They collided in a cloud of java spray and swirled smoke."Bitch!" The battle cry took wing above the heads of thirty early morning pickers. Some stopped to stare at the blistered arm aiming the cigar. Others continued to claw through the treasure laden box. "Bastard!" The lady with the do fanned smoke from her face. "You spilled coffee on me on purpose.""I hope you get lung cancer!"More boxes were unloaded. Folks scrambled for position. A teeny-bopper in a halter top pulled a sixties peasant dress from a banana box. Her squeals were drowned out by the Drill Instructor."Drop and
Read more: IDIOT
MY RESIGNATION
2007-09-02 09:23:00
After much deliberation, I have decided to tender my resignation. Effective immediately, I no longer wish to be a member of the human race. The reasons for withdrawing membership should be obvious to most, however I will list a few considerations for clarity's sake.Common Sense died and no one went to her funeral.As proof I offer the following tidbits.1. The government is considering issuing a FAT tax. At the same time, several states are banning TAG in school. God forbid the little tikes should run off a few pounds.2. Looking for a needle in a haystack? Well, you better not limit your search for long, thin, sharp, metallic items with a point at one end and a hole at the other. Folks might think you are profiling.The Haves and The Have-You-Lost-Your-Minds?3. Money and fame is the name of the game. And if you don't believe me just ask Pete Rose, Jose Canseco, O.J. Simpson, Kobe Bryant, Robert Blake, Barry Bonds, Michael Vick, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson.Ever
A NEW KIND OF HERO
2007-09-08 16:59:00
The jerk who stole the bike belonging to a missing coed said he took it because he needed parts for his own bike. And if someone leaves a bike sitting unattended, it's takers keepers. He did acknowledge the bike was chained up, but shrugged that off. Oh well, his bad.And his lawyer claims he's a hero for notifying the police. HERO!!!!!
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