Owner: Life in the Corner URL:http://lifeinthecorner.blogspot.com Join Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 13:29:41 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: A humorous account of life through the eyes of a 3 year old, who is spending more and more of his time in the naughty corner! Site statistics:Click here
Survivor 2007-07-16 13:44:00 It turns out that the fairer sex is a complicated species and they’re not at all as simple as they look. This is both misleading and quite sneaky.For example, last weekend, after we had been camping for three days in a location with no toilets or showers, I should have perhaps behaved slightly more sensitively when my mother commented upon how awful she must look.Dad was quite rude and pretended not to hear the question. Therefore, to show that someone was listening, I voiced my agreement. And then, just in case she hadn't heard me, I confirmed that she really did look quite terrible.Now, this was apparently where my behaviour deviated from those with a more highly developed sense of self-preservation.Dad, by now, had mysteriously disappeared altogether. Mum seemed to becoming more and more irate but I was determined to cheer her up.There and then, I composed a new song entitled Smelly Mum and I was just about to repeat the rousing chorus for the third time when a scream of “INCOM
All Camped Out 2006-09-12 02:48:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 1 Minute.We went camping again over the weekend and amazingly it didn’t rain once. I think that this will be the final expedition of the year, now that it’s starting to turn colder.The trip to the campsite took 1hr 45 minutes of which, the first 15 minutes were spent sitting on the drive of our house whilst Mum kept returning to the house to retrieve items that she had forgotten to pack.I’m not very good at maths as I still can’t count but Dad said that this represented 1/7th of our total journey time. Mum said that the 15 minutes would represent approximately 50% of his remaining life expectancy if he didn’t stop mentioning the previous statistic.The weather was glorious but at night it became very, very cold. We only had summer sleeping bags and the sound of teeth chattering kept everyone awake. It turned out that the chattering teeth actually belonged to a passing hedgehog, which just goes to show just how cold it was.The next day, Dad went strai
Economics 2006-09-07 08:48:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes. I’ve noticed that my Dad has been very busy lately, working long hours late into the night. As well as restricting my access to the computer it has also meant that we haven’t been able to spend much time together. After I hadn’t seen him all day yesterday, I decided that enough was enough. I marched upstairs to his office and demanded an audience. He said that he was very busy but that a window of opportunity may open up between 7:00pm and 7:10pm. Either that or I could email him. I said that this just wasn’t good enough and that he had to see me now. Dad then picked me up and sat me on his knee. Apparently, it was time that I learnt a little bit about economics. I prayed that this wasn’t going to be like the talk that my friend Charlie had with his parents after asking them where he came from. That didn’t sound very nice at all. Dad has always said that I had been given away free with a packet of cornflakes at Walmart. That was good en Read more:Economics
Kill or Cure 2006-09-04 04:02:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.Dad’s foot is still causing him a lot of discomfort following the game of tennis that he played over a week ago.Apparently, the pain increased to such a point on Friday that he had to go out and drink copious quantities of beer with Uncle Bill.It appears that his injury didn’t hinder his movement between the bars. Although, according to Mum, he was having difficulty walking when he returned home, as he had to crawl up the stairs on his hands and knees. Poor Dad.However, on Saturday morning, he claimed that the pain had returned and he had to lie on the sofa for the majority of the day. Worse still, the pain seemed to have spread from his foot to his head.There was no way he was going to be able to make it to see a doctor, so the doctor would have to come to him. I went off to my cupboard to retrieve my medical kit.Despite his requests for me to leave him alone, I could tell that Dad was pleased that he was at last going to benefit from some spec
Badger 2006-08-31 07:08:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.Matthew: “I want a badger.”Dad: “No, you can’t have a badger.”Matthew: “I want a badger now.”Dad: “Not now. Not ever.”Matthew: “But I really want a badger.”Dad: “No.”Matthew: “What’s a badger?”Matthew: “I want a badger and I want one now!”Dad: “Stop badgering me.”Matthew.
Is it a bird? 2006-08-30 02:52:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.Nanna has bought me a Superman costume, giving me delusions of grandeur. I now only answer to Superman or alternatively, from close friends and other superheros, Supey.I’m hoping that my latest incarnation as the Man of Steel will help to impress Emily. However, I don’t think the outfit by itself will be enough. I think I’ll need to do some heroic stuff too to really clinch it.I’ve been practicing at home. The first hurdle was finding a damsel in distress that wouldn’t mind being in distress until I could perfect my rescues. I looked around everywhere: under the sofa, behind the curtains and in the garden but I couldn’t find a damsel anywhere.Eventually, I resigned myself to having to use Becca. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in distress but that could easily be remedied.I rigged up a large catapult like device, placed Becca into the sling and fired her across the garden.As she flew through the air, I screamed out “Is it a bird? Is it a p
Tennis Foot 2006-08-29 03:42:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 7 Minutes.Well, predictably, Dad returned home yesterday from the Tennis
club hobbling. The only surprising thing about this, considering his proneness to injury, was that he was actually still alive.Apparently, having safely completed two sets before poor light stopped play, it was on his way to the net to shake his opponent’s hand that he somehow managed to cripple himself.After hurting himself playing golf, I think Dad was reluctant to admit that he had sustained yet another injury and initially, pretended that nothing was wrong. It was only after he howled with pain when Becca knelt on his foot as she stormed past him on the stairs, that the truth came to light.It was bad enough when Dad fell down a hole playing golf but it now appears that even walking is a potentially hazardous pastime.Dad always compares his body to a highly coiled spring - a finely tuned and supremely fit piece of apparatus that treads the fine line between outstanding performance a
Ambush 2006-08-24 03:07:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.Dad mostly works form home, travelling into the office one or two days every week.Yesterday, he arrived home slightly earlier than usual with a graze above his left eye. After much interrogation, he eventually explained how he had received his injury. It appears that a new and rather large potted plant had been placed in a corridor where previously there had been none.As he doesn’t venture into his office that frequently, this new herbaceous obstacle had caught Dad rather by surprise. He claims that he didn’t, in fact, walk into the plant but that it had instead, leapt out from behind a filing cabinet and ambushed him. However, I wasn’t convinced.Dad maintained that this was the true course of events leading to his grazed forehead and went on to explain that the term “ambushed” originally meant “one who is attacked by a shrub”.Hmm, that sounded more plausible. Perhaps, he was telling the truth after all.I’m now a bit worried about go Read more:Ambush
Sports Day 2007-07-19 10:05:00 Yesterday was my first ever sports day at school. There was no mention of a Dad’s race but it was funny how all the fathers arrived wearing trainers, just in case. Whenever they believed no one was looking, I noticed them having furtive stretches.I asked my Dad why he was wearing his running shoes but he said it was for no particular reason.The whole philosophy behind our particular sports day was to provide an opportunity for everyone to demonstrate what they were capable of achieving. It most definitely wasn’t about winning or losing.Naturally, this didn’t go down at all well with Dad who had already started taking bets on the day’s events. Apparently, I was the clear favourite for the Egg and Spoon race and large quantities of money was exchanging hands. Dad wanted me to take a dive before reaching the finishing line because, having placed all the money on Charlie Dexter, we would then clean up.I didn’t want to clean up. I don’t like cleaning. Therefore, I stormed over t Read more:Sports
Potty 2007-08-07 02:29:00 Becca is currently undergoing potty training. I’m not quite sure why she requires extra tuition as she’s completely mad already.For example, whilst on holiday, Becca developed an unnatural fear of snails. The merest glimpse would result in hissing and screaming. And that was just the snails. Becca would become virtually catatonic.I’m not quite sure why they instil such terror but I assume that it’s not their pace or their penchant for surprise ambushes.Naturally, I was very sympathetic and decided that aversion therapy was her best bet. However, initial results were not promising.One morning, I collected all the snails that I could find and lined them up on the patio. As Becca emerged through the back door, I gave the order for them to charge.Becca froze on the spot. Her stare fixed firmly on the line of advancing molluscs. She could see that she would soon be surrounded.Three hours later, two of the more athletic specimens were beginning to bear down on their objective. Unfort
Anaesthesia 2007-08-13 06:20:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 8 Minutes.Becca has her uses.For example, if I am to have any future as a world-leading surgeon, then I need to find willing subjects upon whom I can refine my techniques and hone my skills.Naturally, if I can’t locate any willing participants, then the next best thing are unwilling ones.Luckily for me, Becca always falls into the latter category. So, although she wouldn’t be my first choice, she definitely ranks highly in the list of prerequisites.Yesterday, after my trusty assistant Max had strapped Becca down, we needed to immediately decide upon the correct levels of anaesthetic to administer before Mum or Dad overheard her protestations.Quickly considering Becca's age and weight, I calculated that a No.2 Mallet should render her unconscious without any lasting damage.A scuffle then ensued between my suddenly less than trusty assistant and I over who should dispense the improvised sedative. I was kneeling on Max’s chest, about to deliver him a test
Wood and Peace 2007-08-16 03:02:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 5 MinutesSometimes, I believe that I should be sent to strife-torn regions as a peace envoy. I’d soon whip them into shape and after I’d worn out the whip, I’d employ some of my tried and tested diplomacy.In my experience, these situations can escalate very quickly and can soon get out of hand.For example, when Dad threatened to pinch a piece of my toast at breakfast yesterday, I threatened to smear jam all over his face. Dad glanced around and swiftly armed himself with the honey. We were on the brink of a nasty and sticky conflict. Someone had to step back and take the mature approach.But before I could say a word, I found myself reeling backwards. A thick, gooey globule was trickling down my left cheek. I’d taken a hit. I had two options: Retaliate or offer the olive branch. I didn’t have an olive branch. I had a couple of sticks from the garden. Would they do? I quickly retrieved them and launched them at Dad.They connected with the back of his Read more:Peace
Rumours 2007-08-23 06:11:00 Yesterday's corner time: 7 Minutes.I've heard rumours and they are quite distressing.The word on the playground is that I'm going to have to start going to big school in a few weeks.Initially, I scoffed at such a ridiculous suggestion but now I'm starting to worry. Becca has had a definite spring in her step recently and my intelligence has been partially substantiated by a conversation that I overheard between my parents.Dad was telling Mum how she won't know what's hit her when she has to take me to school every day.Every day?School?School, every day?If this turns out to be true, it'll most likely have been me that's hit her and she'll know it.Matthew.
Puppy 2007-08-30 12:25:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.I really would like a puppy.Mum and Dad say they have enough on their plates looking after me and Becca. Anyone or thing more and they’ll be outnumbered.Apparently, they’d rather end it all now than let that happen. I’m not quite sure what they mean.Anyway, I keep nagging for a dog but so far, they are refusing to budge.In the meantime, I’m making do with Becca, my sister. She has many natural qualities also inherent in our canine chums.For example, she’ll fetch sticks, she urinates everywhere and if I’m not mistaken, she has fleas.However, the scratching may have been due to the allergic reaction caused by the new collar that I'd given her. Dad’s friend, who happens to be a Vet, has advised that she leaves it off for a few days.He also prescribed some flea treatment, just in case, and recommended charcoal biscuits for her breath. He was pleased with her coat and said she had a nice wet nose.I’ve enrolled Becca at dog training class Read more:Puppy
Questionnaire 2007-09-06 06:40:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 7 Minutes.Today I helped Mum complete my school questionnaire, the purpose of which is to provide my teacher some valuable insight into my personality in order to help me settle into my new class.I couldn’t help but notice that Mum tended to ignore my initial answers, preferring instead to coax me towards more acceptable responses.For example:Q. Are you looking forward to starting school?Matthew: No.Mum: Yes, very excited.Q. What are you looking forward to most?Matthew: Lunch.Mum: Learning lots of new things.Q. What’s your favourite toy?Matthew: My stick with the red bit on the end.Mum: My Bicycle.Q. What makes you happy?Matthew: Running around and fighting.Mum: Riding my bicycle.Q. What makes you sad?Matthew: Being told off for running around and fighting.Mum: Not being able to ride my bicycle.My psychological profile will probably suggest that I’m female and in my early thirties.I might be in for a bumpy ride.Matthew.Related Posts: Rumours
Breaking Up is Hard to Do 2008-03-11 04:22:00 Yesterday’s Corner Time: 6 Minutes.I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Nina, which is nice and easy to remember - an often overlooked quality in a girl.Whats-her-name is still my girlfriend too. I still can’t recall her name. I tried to break up with her the other day but that turned out to be even more painful than being her boyfriend. So for now, I plan to take the path of least resistance and less bruises.I haven't told Whats-her-name about Nina yet but there's no way she should find out as they sit on opposite sides of the classroom.Sometimes, I think Dad regards me as naive but I've got this under control providing I can remember which girl is which.After all, I'm 4 now and a man of the world. What can possibly go wrong?Matthew.Related Posts: Pastures New Read more:Breaking
In the Dog House 2008-03-05 08:48:00 Yesterday’s Corner Time: 7 Minutes.I think my parents prefer the dog to me. Good Jake this. Good Jake that. He can’t put a paw wrong.Everything we do now seems to revolve around Jake.What’s the first thing we do when I get home from school? Watch TV? Play games? No, we take the dog for an extremely long walk, throughout which, all I hear is:“Good boy Jake”“Keep up Matthew!”“Jake, come here. There’s a good boy.”“Come along Matthew!”“Matthew, stop lying down!”“Matthew, don’t you dare kick Jake!”“Ah, poor Jakey, who’s a good boy then.”Bloody Beagle.Matthew.Related Posts: Pastures New, Puppy Read more:House
Pastures New 2008-02-13 04:16:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.We have moved house.It took several weeks for Becca and I to track down our parents but we eventually found them holed up in rural Lincolnshire.After much begging, tears and tantrums Mum and Dad finally pulled themselves together and agreed to let us stay.Soon after moving in, a new beagle puppy arrived and we called him Jake. I wanted to call it "Strange Daisy" but Dad said that I would be called "Strange Matthew" if we named the Dog that.They still have schools in Lincolnshire, which is quite depressing. It seems that they are everywhere. I've been going for ages now, when will it all end?Having said that, being the new boy at school certainly has some perks. The girls are certainly interested and I have acquired a new fiancée already. I keep forgett
Sharper Teeth 2008-03-13 08:33:00 Yesterday’s Corner Time: 0 Minutes.I’ve learnt an important life lesson today – never dangle anything in front of a Beagle.I'm told that Beagles can resist everything except temptation itself. Unfortunately, there are very few things that God created that aren’t tempting to a Beagle. However, they appear to be particularly partial to anything that dangles. It’s like waving a red flag to a bull.Obviously, the sight of me standing naked in the kitchen was too much for Jake to bear.I haven’t felt such excruciating pain since I stuck my appendage in the hamster cage at pre-school.Dad was of course useless. Caught between laughing uncontrollably and wincing empathetically. Therefore, it was left to Mum to administer the first aid.Apparently, it’s not only the early bird that catch
Demolition Man 2008-04-02 12:34:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.I’ve met two very clever men this week.The first was a Doctor.I’ve had a touch of tonsillitis and the Doctor has signed me off school for four whole days. What a wonderful man and to think I was worried about going to see him. I shall endeavour to visit him more often.The next was Stafford and he’s a builder.Actually, referring to Stafford as a builder is a little bit like referring to Hitler as a pacifist. He seems to spend most of his time knocking things down, only occasionally hesitating whilst he has a cup of tea.I originally thought that Stafford was called Jesus, as that’s what Dad tends to cry out whenever Stafford shows him what he’s just demolished.When I break things, I get in big trouble. This man seems to have made a career out of Read more:Demolition
Lettuce 2008-04-08 05:24:00 Yesterday's corner time: 6 Minutes.I am turning into a man of taste and sophistication.Obviously, my new girlfriends are very impressed and today, Whats-her-name was rendered speechless when I presented her with a lettuce.I think she was perhaps somewhat overwhelmed having led a particularly insular and unadventurous life, unlike myself of course.“Why have you given me a cabbage?” she asked.“It’s a lettuce,” I replied.“Why have you given me a lettuce?” she asked.See what I mean? Completely clueless. Anyway, I persevered.“It’s a token of my admiration,” I explained.“Oh,” She said.I think she was quietly impressed. None of the other boys had given her a lettuce before.That evening, I told Dad that I had taken his advice and given Whats-her-name a lettuce.It later tran Read more:Lettuce
Boundaries 2008-04-28 07:53:00 Yesterday's corner time: 5 Minutes.At great expense, my parents have installed gates and railings around the perimeter of our property to prevent the frequent meanderings of Jake the Dog.It had consumed his entire weekend but Dad stood behind the gates proudly admiring his handiwork.And so it was with immense satisfaction that Dad closed and locked the gates for the first time, safe in the knowledge that he would no longer need to chase down the road in the slipstream of a flapping-eared Beagle.Therefore, you can probably imagine Dad’s disappointment when at the same time, Jake surveyed the same set of new gates but from the opposite side.Jake had escaped and it had taken him all of 3 seconds. Dad’s gates hadn’t even managed to slow him down.Jake was last seen catching the Number 32 Read more:Boundaries
Superhero 2008-05-06 08:30:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.Ever since I gave Whats-her name a lettuce, I appear to have acquired a cult-like status at school, culminating in a belief that I'm some kind of superhero.Admittedly, it’s not exactly what I had in mind all those times I lay on my bed and dreamt of being like Spiderman or Superman but hey, it’ll do.Now, wherever I go, I’m accompanied by chants of “Salad Boy! Salad Boy!” and choruses of "Is it a bush? Is it a parsnip? No, it’s Salad Boy!"I’m not quite sure what my secret powers are supposed to be or whom I'm supposed to save but in the meantime, I’ve equipped myself with my trusty lettuce and a stick of celery.If all else fails, I'll always have some healthy titbits to nibble on. Something, I feel, other Super Heros overlook.Matthew.Rela Read more:Superhero
Dungeon 2008-05-12 06:28:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Hours.We visited a War of the Roses re-enactment at Lincoln Castle.I was hoping to see lots of blood and gore but no such luck. The people who did die during the battles were just teasing.Disappointed, I visited the souvenir shop in need of retail therapy. Pleased with the large range of weaponry on offer, I extended my already huge arsenal with the purchase of a hefty Read more:Dungeon
Slang 2008-05-20 04:54:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 8 Minutes.Isn’t school wonderful?According to Dad, as an establishment for shaping young minds, it is probably only a close second to a young offenders institution. So, based upon that, I assume that it must be very good indeed.The last few months have been very productive. I have been studying very hard and can now confidently say, that I am almost fluent in slang.I t Read more:Slang
Gordon Bleu 2008-07-01 18:23:00 Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Hours.We are now receiving culinary tuition at school and I like to think that I have a certain penchant when it comes to tickling the taste buds.I even thought that I might partake of some extra curricular instruction and therefore, started to delve through my parents' TV recordings.Everything was going swimmingly until I mistakenly stumbled upon an episode of Gordon
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