Rosie and Hasselback get into another fight 2007-05-25 09:31:22 Rosie
: You WERE my friend and you were going to be my BFF, but now I'm not so sure.
Hasselback: That's so not fair. You know that I'm there for you. Who wanted to lend you a sweater for when that hottie cameraman came over.
Rosie: You just did that to say that you were skinnier than me.
Hasselback: Oh-my-God. That's so not what I meant. I'm your friend.
Rosie: WAS my friend. I found another friend.
Hasselback: An who is this friend?
Rosie: Jane from makeup. She LISTENS and isn't a backstabber.
Hasselback: You wouldn't say that if you heard what she said yesterday.
Rosie: Hmm. And what did she say yesterday.
Hasselback: She said that you were a phony and that you made up the whole story about the cameraman.
Rosie: Really, that Bia***
Hasselback: What do you have to say now?
Rosie: I'm sorry.
Hasselback: That's OK. BFF?
Rosie: No, BFFF.
[crying and hugs XOXOXOXOXOXO] Read more:fight
Sheryl Crow revises toilet paper limit. 2007-05-19 19:45:53 After extensive research, Sheryl
Crow has decided to revise her previous recommendation that Americans only use one square of toilet paper
per day.
"I've decided that one-square per bathroom visit is inadequate for many Americans. I've tripled the previous suggestion to three squares. This does not take away from the fact that while Americans only make up 5% of the world's population, they use 40% of the world's toilet paper."
Sheryl Crow
contracted a research firm to investigate the feasibility of her one-square plan. Thirty-five test subjects were chosen at random, given different amounts of toilet paper, and locked in an observation chamber for one month. People received different diets representative of typical American cuisine.
"We found that while one square was adequate for some, many needed more," said public relations manager Doris Hurtada. Apparently, Crow's previous research didn't take into account Southern food choices. "Those subsisting primarily on Slim Jims
Paris Hilton and her first interview from jail. 2007-05-12 23:02:34 Interview with paris Hilton
;
Paris
: as many of you know, was sentenced by judge Michael T. Sauer to 45 days in jail. Asymmetric is proud to announce that it’s secured the first interview
with Paris from jail.
Asymmetric: First, we’d like to thank you for giving us some insight into what must be a trying time for you.
Paris: No problem. I’m glad to be here. Well, not here. I’m glad to…you know what I mean.
Asymmetric: Yes. First, Paris, what was your reaction to the verdict?
Paris: Well, I must be confused because I thought this was America. I thought you couldn’t go to jail for something you didn’t do. My handler forgets to read the stupid letter and I go to jail!
Asymmetric: I think people are saying that you should have opened it.
Paris: I’m not going to get my hand all gluey with letter glue. What was I going to open it with? I gave my guy-correction my former guy- a budget to buy things like letter-openers. Maybe he spent Read more:Paris Hilton
Hamilton Tiger-cats pick Chris Bauman in Canadian football league draft 2007-05-12 17:58:15 The Hamilton
Tiger Cats picked Chris
Bauman with their first pick (first overall). Bauman came to the attention of Hamilton scouts when he scored a record 12 touchdowns at the Bauman family reunion.
"I knew uncle Billy was still sore from the limbo contest, so I exploited the right side," said Chris when asked about the game during a draft-day interview. Although he usually plays on the "skins" side, he agreed to wear a jersey in the CFL. Read more:Canadian
Mac evangelist Peterson retiring. Macsters vow to continue struggle 2007-05-02 22:49:43 Mac evangelist Phil Peterson
retired today after writing over one million bulletin board posts. Peterson achieved fame by promoting Macs to Windows users experiencing difficulties with the Microsoft operating system. He favored tactic was to scour bulletin boards and newsgroups for Windows technical support questions and suggest that their answer lay with changing computing platforms. Amongst his most famous posts are:
"You wouldn't have that problem if you used a Mac."
"I wouldn't know. I use a Mac."
"I have every program I need."
"You may want to consider a Mac."
"Windows can't do color like the Mac."
and, his most famous, "They ripped that off the Mac."
Peterson's career went through some rough times in the early nineties with the Pippin disaster and the demise of eWorld. It was during this time that Peterson's posts became more abrasive and hostile, in contrast to the breezy dismissiveness of his earlier work. Statements from this period ranged from the rabid "I hope bo
Rep. David Wu proposes Dilithium investment. to stop glabal warming 2007-04-29 19:18:19 In a press conference yesterday, Democratic congressional representative David
Wu proposed a special tax on energy companies to fund research into dilithium crystals. He says that the recent United Nations report on global warming has prompted him to use his knowledge of extra-terrestrial chemistry to find a solution.
"Some people call this idea crazy. Some even say that dilithium doesn't exist. I tell them: 'dare to dream.' What if Kirk had given up hope in season one episode 22, Space Seed, and let Khan take over the ship without a fight? What if Captain Kathryn Janeway had not fought what was undoubtedly incredible prejudice in the Starship academy to become the first female Starship Captain?"
Representative Wu suggests that because Spock, in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, discovered a method of re-crystallizing dilithium using by generating high-energy photons to regenerate the element, dilithium would provide a renewable and clean source of energy we can share with the worl Read more:investment
Harry Reid to Red Sox: It's over this season. maybe next year. 2007-04-25 23:11:50 Harry Reid promised to watch the Red Sox
until May, but that he'll be switching allegiance to New York in June.
"Yes, Boston is in first place so far, but it's clear that Terry Francona has no plan for dealing with Alex Rodriguez. If you've seen some of his home runs, you'd realize that Boston has no hope. They've already spent millions on free-agents, game programs, and stadium janitors; let's not waste a penny more. I would like to emphasize, however, that although I no longer think they have a chance at a pennant, I still support the brave Boston players."
Reid also commented that by being in first place, Boston is just making the Yankees more determined to win. "Every time Boston wins, it just makes more Yankees fans."
Many Boston residents agree. John O'Hara reacted by saying, "The only reason we have a baseball team is to enrich the peanut farmers, T-shirt hawkers, and rich baseball players. Let's take all of that money and fund libraries"
Wally the Green monster of Read more:Harry
, Harry Reid
Mel Gibson to include bonus disc with Apocalypto DVD-Heebalypto 2007-05-26 00:11:58 Stung by criticism that his movie Apocalypto is unfairly harsh on Mayan civilization, Mel Gibson
announced today the inclusion of a bonus disk with the upcoming Apocalypto DVD release called "Heebalypto," a short film intended to shed a more positive light on Mayan culture.
In Heebalypto, one of the lost tribes of Israel settles in the Americas where they eventually swindle the Mayans out of their best lands, forcing the Mayans to live in the worst parts of the jungle and purchasing even the Mayans' most sacred shrines -wholesale.
Hiram, a Jewish money lender, becomes lost searching for a dropped shekel. Forced to settle with a displaced Mayan tribe, Hiram begins to see the beauty of Mayan civilization and decides to turn his back on his own murderous culture. With the help of Mayan cartographers, Hiram eventually finds his way back to the Jews and attempts to teach his former civilization the way of the Maya, a sustainable lifestyle, in harmony with nature and stressing equality Read more:include
Monster Hog Picture proven to be fake by experts-Turns out to be Michael Moore 2007-05-31 11:52:36
Photography experts say that have conclusive proof that the widely seen image is not, in fact, that of a giant hog, but of a boy posing next to an oblivious MichaelMoore
.
When confronted, the boy explained that he and a friend were hiking when they decided to take a shortcut across the exclusive Alabama golf resort, Piney Hills. "They usually don't let my kind walk around here so I was doing some sneaking when I ran into this big fella ten toes up and sleeping like a baby. I had my buddy take out the camera his ma gave him and take a picture. We didn't mean no harm."
Suspicion was first raised among forensic photographers when a computer enhancement revealed the alleged hog had a baseball cap around the side of his head. "We were pretty convinced at first until we got to the top. We said, "hey! hogs don't wear caps." The photographers went on to explain that they didn't discover the hoax sooner because the cap was partially hidden by a ham sandwich.
Michael Moore
, the filmma Read more:Monster
, Picture
Carter Center says democracy needs dialogue 2007-05-31 11:02:14 "Healthy democracies require spaces for political dialogue
and debate to allow divisions about the future direction of the country to be addressed in peaceful ways," the CarterCenter
said.
Along with the above stance, the Carter center has taken firm stances on the issues:
1. Governments should not restrict access to coats and other outerwear if they want their people to stay warm.
2. Quick-flowing freeways require long stretches of unobstructed road.
3. Healthy democracies require elections to better know whom the people prefer as their leaders. Read more:democracy
Study concludes that most people are mediocre 2007-06-03 12:07:54 On Friday, scientists released a study that they say conclusively shows that in each measure of human performance or quality, most people
fall somewhere in the middle ranges when compared to their peers. According to scientists, an aggregation of the data conclusively proves, therefore, that most people are mediocre.
Details include:
1. Most children are of average intelligence and talent. Teachers regularly tell parents that 70% of their students “bright” and 90% “talented.”
2. Most people are average-looking despite the fact that people consider both themselves and the majority of their friends to be “really cute” or “handsome.”
3. Athletes tend not to be as “articulate” as the rest of society.
4. Most people thought of as “very nice” are really just “nice.”
5. Only 13% of babies are “beautiful” with the majority being, again, average.*
According to scientists Joe Fulano isn't Read more:Study
Liberal Group Demands That Scooter Libby be Freed After He Writes Children's Book 2007-06-13 00:59:17 Two recently published children’s books written by Scooter Libby
, former chief of staff to Vice-president Chaney who’s sentenced to serve two years in federal prison for not covering up a crime that he didn’t commit, prompted thousands of Liberal
s to gather in front of the White house and demand that President Bush pardon Libby.
"I don’t why a beautiful person like Scooter Libby
is in prison while others are free to roam the streets, selling gasoline and trans fats," said Ed Asner, spokes sentient being for the group.
No justice, no peace. Free Scooter now!
In the first book, Heather Has Two Socially Conscious Parents, an ideal family made up of star football player Heather; her mother, an ACLU attorney; and Heather’s stay at home dad struggle against bigotry and ignorance. The evening after Heather mentions, in class, that she thinks the presence of dinosaur bones proves that the Earth is millions of years old, a fundamentalist mob rouses Heather and Read more:Children
, Freed
, Group
Tancredo announces Quinceanera initiative to win over Latino electorate 2007-06-10 08:08:01 In an effort to win over Latino
voters, Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo
has announced plans to offer, if elected, a Quinceañera Savings Account or QSA. According to the plan, families can place up to $3000.00 a year in their QSA. The money is then allowed to grow tax deferred and proceeds to be withdrawn tax free for qualified Quinceañera expenses at an eligible Quinceañera planner.
“I don’t think quince años celebrations should be restricted to the wealthy. Every girl deserves her day,” said Tom Tancredo during the announcement in front of his entire family and his gardener."
A Quinceañera or Quince Años (fifteen years) is similar to the American custom of a Sweet Sixteen birthday party or debutante ball and is supposed to celebrate a young lady’s entry into adulthood.
I would like to thank my jefe, Tom Tancredo for this wonderful opportunity for my little princess Anabel," said Pedro Fulano, T Read more:initiative
, Quinceanera
Eskimos come up with thirty-first word for snow 2007-06-16 15:05:50 Eskimos have decided to add another word for "snow" to their Intuit vocabulary. The new word, Natkanqan yilah, encompasses several types of snow, and adds, for the first time, a color. Roughly translated, the new word means "Formerly white, now yellow, course snow from a mid-winter storm that I planned to use as the base of my sculpture, but that's now unusable because it was peed on by that nasty kid next door who won't stay off my lawn because his mother, an alcoholic slut whose body fat index is high even by even Eskimo standards, and his father, the itinerant seal groomer, won't teach him any better."
Natkangan yilah often steams upon creation.
Conservative catcons transform the feline electorate 2007-06-13 20:59:21 It would be preposterous to think of cats as generally conservative (Kerry took every cat demographic except Southern Grey Tabbies with more than three litters). In fact, as evidenced by the sparsity of targeted cat advertising by the Republican party, conservatives have all but given up on the cat vote. All except one, that is. Led by Ferdinand of Conservative Cat, a small but motivated group of conservative cats or "catcons," have begun to gain influence within the cat community.
"I grew tired of seeing cats live off the work of others. It used to be that cats were too proud to take charity. Our ancestors would prefer to clear a whole pyramid of mice than take one unearned scrap from 'the Man.' I eventually ran into other cats who felt the same way and we started a group called the Tuesday club. We met for breakfast, discussed the great issues of the day. It was invigorating. Eventually, as our numbers grew, we started the blog and we haven't looked back since."
When asked wh
ACLU sues Kennel Association over canine intelligence tests 2007-06-24 13:16:15 ACLU lawyer Bernard Fulton today announced a lawsuit against the American Kennel
Society on behalf of Afghan Hounds for being ranked lowest on the dog intelligence
scale.
"We feel these tests
are invalid as many of the questions are clearly biased towards German Shepherds and other European breeds. Afghan Hounds have been systematically discriminated against because of these tests and we feel our clients deserve redress."
When asked about the suit, Prince, president of the Afghan Hound Justice Coalition for Justice, commented, "This is wrong. Besides were much smarter than Bassett Hounds. Those are some dumb dogs, let me tell ya. Once..." before being cut off from Mr. Fulton.
Waffle House to undergo major changes 2007-06-24 12:59:41 Big changes
are in store for the more than 1,470 WaffleHouse
restaurants.
"After extensive consumer research we, the executive staff of the Waffle House chain of family-friendly restaurants (and Ned), are fixin' to change our restaurant theme color from a Urine-Yellow to a Urine-Green," blared president Jim "Cooter" Fules over the loudspeaker.
Other decisions include the acceptance of Yankee money and mandatory hand washing for employees who handle the Waffle House mascot, Blue.
Waffle House trademark color.
Human Rights Group Decries Racism in Beheading Video 2007-06-24 04:09:49 Human rights group, Rights
.htm">Human Rights
Right This Minute! today condemned what it calls "inappropriate remarks that borders on racism" during an Al Qaeda beheading. In the video, spread around the world through the internet, English journalist Joe Snuffy appears to be saying, "Islam and Mo... **we refuse to print the rest because of our respect for non-Western religions**"
We hired the best experts available in video editing and lip-reading and our conclusion is that prior to having his super-appendage removed by Iraqi fighters according to their tradition, Mr. Snuffy uttered statements we consider to be inflammatory hate-speech. Such speech not only magnifies the differences between a little-understood, often misunderstood culture and our own, but needlessly inflames delicate sensibilities," said Sarah Fulano, spokesbeing for HRRTM.
Condemnation from capitals throughout Europe proceeded in an expedient manner,
"This is an outrage! We will not have peace in the world as long as people fe Read more:Group
, Racism
Stephen Covey's new book-7 Habits of Highly Successful Lovers (participative humor) 2007-06-27 01:55:51 International best-selling author and self-help guru Stephen
R. Covey just finished publishing a follow-up to his hugely popular, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People entitled The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Lovers
, a sex guide in which he applies his approach to success in the boardroom to success in the bedroom. Below are the seven habits:**
1. Be Proactive.
2. Begin with the End In Mind.
3. Put First Things First.
4. Think Win/Win
5. Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.
6. Synergize
7. Sharpen the saw
Stephen Covey demonstrates one of the techniques from his new book.
**Important notice: because Asymmetric is a decidedly PG blog, readers must make up their own jokes for all of the habits except number seven which is funny all on its own. In addition, I must stress to my fellow Catholics that the suggestions below may only apply to those bound in Holy Matrimony as described in the catechism, article six**
Mr. Pibb graduates. Becomes Dr. Pibb 2007-07-06 14:21:25 After years of hard work, popular soda pop, Mr. Pibb has completed his doctorate in refreshment studies, earning the right to be called Dr. Pibb. Interviewed after the commencement address by pop elder-statesman RC Cola, Dr. Pibb made the following statement:
"I can't describe the joy I felt after the academy accepted my thesis (Refreshment and Medieval French Midwifery). I hope to use my degree to bring carbonated beverages to people around the globe."
Dr. Pibb did not address criticism that it was his ongoing envy of pop-rival that provided the motivation for his academic achievement.
Responding from a Chuck E. Cheese opening, Dr. Pepper said, "This is pretty pathetic. First, he didn't go to a real school; he went to a degree mill that would probably award a doctorate to Sam's Choice. Most of his courses were online, for crying out loud! Second, I don't know; he just sucks."
After the graduation ceremony, Dr. Pibb left for a well-deserved vacation with his long-time companio
Bob Geldof Announces New Rock Charity, RATT 2007-07-09 20:26:42 Following the stunning success of Live Earth, pop stars from around the world have banded together for another series of worldwide concerts called RATT (Rock Against Tyranny and Terrorism). Bob Geldof made a statement announcing the event on Monday morning:
“Since many of the worst tyrants in the world don’t listen to military persuasion, we’re prepared to bring down the full force of Rock on their head. We’ll be invading their lands and spreading our message directly to their people. Once again, only the power of Rock can rescue the world from itself.”
Bob Geldof at the press conference.
Geldof said that he already has an impressive list of talent.
Madonna and Yusuf plan on performing a concert in the Gaza strip, calling for an end to suicide bombings and the kidnapping of Israeli soldiers. Madonna, who practices a strict form of Judaic worship called Kabbalah, has made the case for peaceful coexistence, saying that Israel has the right to exist a Read more:Charity
Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation teetering on collapse 2007-07-09 19:34:07 Sources close to JanetJackson
are hinting that the pop-diva plans on selling the swath of land she acquired on the coast of Guyana to form Rhythm
Nation, a group of settlements bonded together by the idea that modern society has perverted man’s true purpose, to dance.
Ms. Jackson (I have to call her that because she says I’m nasty) began purchasing the land shortly after the release of her album, Rhythm Nation 1814. After holding auditions, Ms. Jackson brought over the first group of settlers and began ordering life in Rhythm Nation according to her ideals, assigning positions of importance according to an individual’s ability to perform complicated physical movements. Initially, Rhythm Nation enjoyed some success, with its school curriculum winning praise from educators for its innovative approach to math. In Rhythm Nation “studios,” students would spin on their heads to learn Geometry and do the Robot to familiarize themselves with android technology. Read more:collapse
, Janet Jackson
John Edwards blames Republican budget cuts for obesity amongst the poor 2007-07-16 04:41:08 In a speech in front of the trailer park a mere 240 miles from his mansion, John Edwards
insisted he knows why America's poor suffer from obesity
rates far higher than middle class Americans and announced a new policy initiative to solve the problem,
"Republican
s budget
cuts have made it impossible for the poor people of America to be thin. Today, only the rich can hire personal trainers, read diet books, and buy the latest exercise equipment. The only thing poor people can do is sit at home, eat, and watch the same old DVDs. We need a 'war on low-income obesity.' In an Edwards administration, every poor person would get a visit from licensed fitness trainer- not just the guy down the block who subscribes to Men's Health and nutrition experts as well as one of those Tony Little Gazelle things."
When asked by a reporter why some wealthy people like Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell are overweight, Edwards replied, "Sometimes people identify so much with the disadvantaged that th Read more:John Edwards
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