Poll suggests large majority would rather Live free than Die Hard. 2007-07-18 12:36:32 A poll conducted over a three-day period clearly indicates that the public is in no mood to "die hard," preferring, instead, to "live free," with 89% of the public choosing the latter. Only five per cent would prefer to die hard and four per cent were undecided. Two per cent didn't understand the question. The poll has a margin of error of four points. Asked why people chose to live free, professor John Jenkins, author of Americans, Freedom Loving Death Haters- How Americans' Love of Life has Influenced North America and What it Means for the Future of UCLA responded with:
Frankly, I wasn't surprised with the results. I think Americans have been conditioned from birth to desire free living to difficult deaths. This is nothing new to me, as I've researched this phenomenon for years.
According to terrorist and BBC news analyst Khaled Abdul-Fattah Dawoud Mahmoud al-Mashhadani, former second in command of Al Qaeda, the poll is unreliable:
"First of all, the poll only takes into acc Read more:large
Greeter in Chinese Wal-Mart executed for failing to check receipt 2007-07-21 18:26:19 A Chinese
Walmart employee, Chiang Fang-liang, was executed on the spot by a People's Ministry of Retail (PMR) mystery shopper after she failed to check the agent's receipt as he was leaving the store. At first the workers seemed surprised by the agent's action, but began cheering loudly as he turned around towards the registers.
"She was a disgrace to retail and to China. She would miss many receipts and would often complain of joint pain, as if Chinese health care wouldn't have taken care of her," said Li Jinzhang, a former coworker of Chiang, on Chinese television.
Chiang is survived by her son and her grandson, who have also denounced her.
Chinese Walmart employees are taught the finer points of retail.
Harry Potter breaks sales record, beats bloggers 2007-07-24 13:40:37 According to this story from the trade publication, Book Standard, "More than 8.3 million copies J.K. Rowling's HarryPotter
and the Deathly Hallows were sold in the book's first 24 hours on sale, Scholastic estimated, making it the best-selling one-day release of a book," and handily beating Asymmetric blogger Chad's latest book, Bitler, How Bush is Like Hitler and we'll Lose Our Rights by December if We Don't Act Now to Stop Him by a commanding 8,299,999 copies (Chad's one copy is in dispute as the sale is the result of Barnes and Noble enforcing its "you broke it, you bought it" policy after a toddler, attracted by the clown on the cover, accidentally ripped out one of its pages).
"With the media poisoning people's minds, people aren't ready to hear the truth," said Chad, obviously disappointed by the book's performance, "I really needed the money. Books are going up this year and those new Macs are cool. Oh well, My next book, Chicana Activists and the Jews they Marry, s Read more:breaks
, bloggers
Paris Hilton implicated in Michael Vick dog fighting ring 2007-07-24 01:37:36
The federal grand jury in charge of the investigation into Michael
Vick's alleged dog-fighting farm in Hampton, Virginia insists it has uncovered a vast network of secret dog-fighting arenas, many of which cater to the rich and famous and that Michael Vick
has agreed to assist the authorities crack the ring in exchange for immunity from prosecution.
Sources close to the case claim that Vick has in his possession a book with the names and betting habits of his clients. Federal prosecutors are neither confirming or denying the existence of the book, but Asymmetric has acquired a few pages.
More names will be forthcoming in an Asymmetric cable special but we can say now that they include such celebrities as: Barbara Streisand, Ed Begley Jr., Angelina Jolie, and ParisHilton
, whose Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, went 7 and 1 in the lightweight division before being sidelined with a paw injury.
Ron Paul, angry at the speculation that he may be on the list of dog-fighting participants, angr Read more:Paris Hilton
John Edwards releases list of votes he won't accept 2007-07-26 22:57:48
"If Obama were as concerned for the poor as me and had as nice hair, you'd vote for him, right? Yes? Then here's your hug. Careful with the suit and keep that hand off my do."
EDWARDS: I'm going to stay on your question. I promise I'll answer that question. But the first thing I want to say -- and I want to speak for everybody, I believe, on this stage -- anybody who's considering not voting for Senator Obama because he's black or for Senator Clinton because she's a woman, I don't want their vote. I don't want them voting for me.
Following up on his statement in the South Carolina Youtube debate, the Edwards
campaign released a list of people whose vote he won't accept. In addition to racists and sexists:
1. People who buy camcorders for their son's graduation knowing that they'll return them a week later.
2. White collar criminals.
3. People who cut off others on the freeway.
4. Regionalists.
5, People who don't take off their irrelevant bumper stickers (nuclear free Read more:John Edwards
Top roll-playing nerd pickup lines 2007-07-27 13:03:00 http://magnasquids.com1. You are to me as an elven princess- for although you lack infravision, your comliness bonus and your innate magical ability enable your charm person to overcome all but the mightiest saving throw.
2. Ok baby, I rolled a one, I'll just lay down here and you can do your worst.
3. I ususally don't take out my Hulk 451, but I can make an exception this once.
4. This never happens to me. Can we just LARP it?
5. I'll pay next time. My board game's almost finished.
6. I wrote the Wiki on that.
7. I gave my miniatures a fresh coat. Wanna see?
8. I get mad when they say chicks can't roleplay.
9. I lobbied hard for getting rid of the female strength disad.
10. Come on, baby. Can't we be chaotic neutral for one night?
11. No. You will not lose your paladin status for breaking your chastity pledge.
12. When you log on tonite, check out my karma at magnasquids
13. You are so beautiful. I'm tempted to put down this character sheet and just kiss you.
Google facing spider crisis 2007-08-01 13:07:02 Asymmetric has come across a confidential Google
memo sent to members of its board that warns the search behemoth's board members that it may not be able to keep up with the explosion of web pages on the World Wide Web.
The problem is the lack of spiders (sometimes mistakenly referred to as "bots,") the mechanism by which Google collects and organizes web content or, more specifically, the lack of spider riders, the hyper-specialized manners of the spiders. It seems that the riders' high casualty rates combined with the lengthy training process have crippled Google's ability to disperse its Spider fleet.
Possible solutions proposed in the memo includes contracting spider-riding from Indonesia, recruiting riders from high-altitude regions like Bolivia, boosting rider morale through frequent rotations scanning porn sites, and developing an un-manned robot capable of gathering information through the use of remote control.
John Mitcham prepares to leave the Google garage for a se
Asymmetric ratchets up security with ground-braking image verification- CAPTCHA scheme 2007-07-31 22:20:00 Asymmetric is aware that the internet has become, in many ways, a dangerous place both for content providers as well as those partaking of the web's diverse offerings. The protection of Asymmetric's integrity and commitment to the privacy of Asymmetric's many readers has prompted the Asymmetric staff to develop new, stricter security
measures. The first product of Asymmetric's increased concern for security is a new image verification system or CAPTCHA. Please adhere to the following procedure when registering on Asymmetric:
You will be presented with the following image:
As soon as your screen is illuminated with a shard of pure kryptonite bathed in the former planet Krypton's red sun,* a simple physics equation will appear. Below is an example. Because of some complaints during beta testing, we start the solution for you:
Solve the problem. Choose a user name and password. Avoid easy to guess passwords such as birthdays, anniversaries, or repeated symbols. The password m Read more:ground
, Asymmetric
McDonald's cancels Sicko Happy Meal 2007-07-31 13:49:57 McDonald executive Fred Turner decided yesterday to pull SickoHappy
-Meal.htm">Happy Meal
s from its restaurants. The largest restaurant corporation in the world made the decision to disassociate their popular combination meal aimed at children from Michael Moore's health care documentary after parents complained that the the meal's toy, a realistic-looking set of kidney stones for the boys and a wheezing baby doll for the girls, made some of the children ill.
Michael Moore, reacted to the decision angrily, claiming that the meals were intended to cause middle class children discomfort and that McDonald's corporation made the decision because children tended to eat less and, thus cost McDonald's money,
"They're mad because they can't pump as many poisons into our children. This is outrageous! Where was McDonald's when Bush decided to invade Iraq?"
McDonald's plans to replace the Sicko Happy Meal with one based on the hit movie, Knocked up and featuring toy contraceptives.
McDonald's sp Read more:McDonald
Dennis Kucinich and his Peace through Strength parable 2007-07-31 03:25:00 As you know Dennis
-Kucinich
.htm">Dennis Kucinich
' campaign slogan is the Jesus Christ-like paradox, "strength through peace." What you didn't know was that he only decided on his version of the WWJD bumper sticker after a long selection process. Asymmetric has acquired a list of the top five slogans rejected by the Kucinich campaign:
1. Width through height.
2. Losing weight through overeating.
3. Victory through surrender.
4. More efficient health care through government management.
5. Freedom through regulation. Read more:Peace
Riot Breaks out in San Diego Comic Con 2007-07-30 14:20:59 After two days of relative calm on Friday and Saturday, the Comic
Con convention in San Diego
exploded in violence on Sunday after what seemed a personal dispute spilled over into the crowd.
Surveillance cameras captured the flash point: A man dressed in a Batman costume (Dark Knight #3 sans-cape, but with full utility belt) invited a young Jubilee-clad girl to his "batcave." The proposition didn't sit well her boyfriend who arrived at the convention as a semi-transformed Bruce Banner, and a scuffle ensued. The audible portion of the tape is presented below:
"What do you want, DC punk," the boyfriend was overheard saying. "Why don't you go and fight for Truth and Justice, boy scout."
"That's Superman, dickweed. Batman is DARK! He's not for little kids anymore. Even Superman, with the release of Birthright is way deeper. Superman must battle himself and he advocates veganism." Besides, in your semi-transformed state, you can do me no harm.
"I'm getting angrier."
Apparently, t Read more:Comic Con
, San Diego
Most politically incorrect toy-Dinosaur Hunter 2007-08-09 14:13:23 Quick, if you knew the whereabouts of the rarest of creatures, a dinosaur that can give man valuable insights into the history of the world as well as unique, precious scientific data, what would you do? Well, hire a man with a high-powered sniper rifle and kill it, of course.
Mr. Watson, Dinosaur Hunter
(Guirado family inside joke). Read more:politically
Out of touch computer geek still giving same advice 2007-08-09 23:34:06 Irate members of the Pocatello, Idaho Computer users club voted today to dismiss founding member Phil Simmons from the group citing Mr. Simmons' failure to produce receipts for a $25.00 floppy disk purchase. Sources close to the group say that the real reason for the ejection had to do with the fact that Mr. Simmons hadn't changed his computer advice routine (CAR), a memorized litany of suggestions, for over 18 years.
An anonymous member said that the leadership grew tired of Mr. Simmons telling people that they'd see a big increase in speed with 8mb of memory, but that 16mb is a waste of $400.00.
Other out of date advice:
1. With 2mb of video memory, you'd be able to see more colors. It won't go any faster.
2. One Zip disk can replace all of your floppys.
3. You can still use a printer with your Snappy if you buy a pass through cable.
4. You can't really go faster than 53 baud anyways.
5. In five years, nobody'll be using the 5.25" disks.
6. You'll never need to erase Read more:touch
Mac evangelist Peterson retiring. Macsters vow to continue struggle 2007-08-09 22:49:43 Mac evangelist Phil Peterson
retired today after writing over one million bulletin board posts. Peterson achieved fame by promoting Macs to Windows users experiencing difficulties with the Microsoft operating system. His favorite tactic was to scour bulletin boards and newsgroups for Windows technical support questions and suggest that their answer lay with changing computing platforms. Amongst his most famous posts are:
"You wouldn't have that problem if you used a Mac."
"I wouldn't know. I use a Mac."
"I have every program I need."
"You may want to consider a Mac."
"Windows can't do color like the Mac."
and, his most famous, "They ripped that off the Mac."
Peterson's career went through some rough times in the early nineties with the Pippin disaster and the demise of eWorld. It was during this time that Peterson's posts became more abrasive and hostile, in contrast to the breezy dismissiveness of his earlier work. Statements from this period ranged from the rabid "I hope
Sonic Restaurant Tech - Easy on the Ice 2007-08-09 16:51:29 When the Army took me from California to Oklahoma and Missouri for a few months, I came across an eating establishment I'd never seen before called Sonic
. It's futuristic look and completely automated ordering system fired my imagination and called to the adventurer inside. I did, in fact, eventually partake of its delicious offerings, but I have to admit that the transition to Sonic wasn't an easy one.
You see, in California, we just have the old-fashioned drive through; the Sonic system, with its push-to-order system and credit card scanners baffled me for quite some time (Sonic, it turns out, was the inspiration for much of the Star Trek universe. But, in a classic case of the teacher learning from the student, the next Sonic "innovations" will feature a waitress hologram and desire-projection system based on the Enterprise holodeck).
Not being one to turn down a challenge, I decided to prepare for my first solo Sonic experience. I completed the training phase, including the re
Millions of liberals supporting Mitt Romney 2007-08-14 19:33:30 Millions of liberals across the country are flocking to support the Mitt Romney
campaign. The reason being cited most often by liberals is Romney's intelligence and articulateness. Blogger Philip Mathewson attempted to explain the phenomenon today on his web site, Progressives for Romney,
Our big problem with Bush was his inability to pronounce words like "nuclear" and he would flub sentences. He just didn't sound smart. Plus, he didn't do things that smart people do like work on crosswords, listen to NPR, or read about architecture-not even Sudoku. And the whole Jesus as his favorite philosopher thing. I mean, what about Bertrand Russell or Sarte? We want somebody who won't just do things, but who talks a lot too.
Philip Mathewson of Progressives for Romney
So, Why Romney?
You know us on the left always go for the smartest person so we analyzed school records and scanned tapes of the candidates for pronunciation errors and decided that Mitt Romney
was the smartest candidate.
Company recalls Chinese mail order brides 2007-08-16 21:40:03 Chinese bride retailer Ladies4You inc. recalled 400 mail order brides yesterday after an investigation found that the wives’ nail polish contained hazardous levels of lead paint. Several men have also complained of dizziness and nausea caused by a set of erratic, irrational behaviors, officials have simply called “attitude.”
“I don’t know. I brought her home and she just started ordering me around. ‘Take out the trash, fix the cabinet, turn off the game and get me some vitamins for the plant.’ I finally called the place I got her from and asked for my money back; I’m speaking up so that nobody else has to go through that experience,” said Ladies4You patron John Pringle.
The Chinese official responsible for manicures committed suicide shortly after news of the recall reached the Beijing.
Huang Xiaoxiao was more than John Pringle bargained for- literally Read more:Chinese
NASA sends first exterminator to space. 2007-08-15 22:07:05 Perry Alamitos became the first exterminator in space today, lifting off from the Houston Space Center at 8:00A.M. this morning. Later in the day, Alamitos delighted viewers around the world by remotely detonating a can of RAID in an ant-infested apartment. “I was thrilled. It's hard to describe the feeling to somebody who's never killed bugs from a distance.”
When asked why they would send an exterminator to space when space capsules are bug-free, Alamitos responded, “there aren't any fourth-graders in space either.”
Alamitos is part of a NASA
program to give representatives of every profession a chance at space travel. In the coming months, Americans will be treated to the first waitress, boxer, toll booth collector, gynecologist, and personal injury attorney in space. Not all jobs have been given the green-light by NASA, however. The recent Michael Vick scandal led to the rejection of a space-flight application by a dog-fight promoter. Pete Slivers' pl
Miss Teen South Carolina- I think I'm in love 2007-08-27 05:42:36 It's time like these that I miss my single days.** How much you wanna bet she dates more than her classmate who can name the capital of Burundi?
Lauren Caitlin Upton drew the map below for her senior class project. She received a B+ for staying within the lines***:
**just kidding sweetie. I know you're concerned about Asia and South
Africa too.
***Don't blame me, either. I teach in Los Angeles, California. Read more:Carolina
, think
, South Carolina
Nigerian Princes and Bank Executives condemn spam scams 2007-08-26 06:36:32 Nigerian
princes and bank executives have banded together to condemn the millions of spam e-mails sent in their name to Americans and others around the world that announce phony business opportunities or solicit money with a promise to repay more than what was lent.
“Sometimes we ask our friends from America and around the world for help-always careful to pay back, of course. But now people are reluctant to enter even the most beneficial commitments because of all these scams,” Bank executive Hamed Ali, spokesman for the Coalition of Nigerian Band Executives and Princes
(CONBEP) explained. He went on to say that he'll be sending an email to kind people around the world asking for donations to CONBEP.
Visiting Home Depot stadium and David Beckham's Galaxy 2007-08-24 13:58:22 I'm not a big soccer fan, but my friend invited me to match between the Galaxy
and Chivas USA (Chivas USM is from Guadalajara) and a couple of hours away from the computer sounded like a good idea so I went
It was fun. If you want to read about the game, go here. Some observations:
1. The small 25,000 seat Home Depot
stadium makes for a great spectator experience with its quaint dimensions and beautifully simple architechture, expecially it's partial dome. The parking situation is manageable, although its relative farness from the freeway cause an extended drive through the nice town of Carson. I went to the college next to the stadium, Cal State Dominguez Hills, while they were building it and am glad it turned out the way it did.
2. You'd think a soccer crowd would be a little rowdy, but the atmosphere was relaxed and the people very courteous (racially mixed 50-50 Hispanic/White, for those of you keeping score). When I inevitably disturbed my nighbor with soccer questions and Read more:David
, Beckham
Note to spammers: I have enough "friends" thank you. 2007-08-31 10:01:51 Dear Spammers,
I appreciate all of the attention, but I don't have time for the friends I have now, and I've known them for years. I feel sad that you're "lonely," but a "nice" girl like you shouldn't have any trouble meeting people. Besides, sometimes you're statements are bafflingly contradictory. You say you're "bored" yet you claim to have a bunch of "fun" friends.
Why don't you find some other friends that are more willing to spend time with you? Sure, they may not be as "hot" as your current associates, but looks aren't everything.
Go join a club or a church group. There's plenty of people you can hang out with there. Read more:spammers
Larry Craig says he wast just trying to help out stallmate 2007-08-31 02:30:32 Larry Craig
, under fire for pleading guilty to a disorderly conduct misdemeanor (reduced from a public lewdness charge) explained that his arrest and plea was just a misunderstanding. At a press conference in Idaho, Craig said,
"From the noises I heard, I immediately thought to myself, 'acid reflux,' and peeked inside to see if he was alright. When he didn't answer, I used what I thought was the universal bathroom distress signal which was two repeated taps on the floor followed by a long tap. Well, apparently, they changed the code to have that combination of taps mean something nasty which I'm not. So, you see, it wasn't so much my fault as the fault of whoever's in charge the tap code. And the foil wrapped potato was just a souvenir from Idaho."
The arresting officer, Pete Fulano, said Craig's story is unlikely as the code had been featured in select magazines for months prior and that, in fact, Craig had a magazine in his trench coat with a cover story on tap codes, "Besi Read more:Larry
My dining adventure with Bill O'Reilly 2007-09-26 20:10:31 El Cholo Restaurant in Los Angeles.
You could have spun me with a feather last night when I got a call from Bill O'Reilly
inviting me to dinner. It seems that O'Reilly is a big fan of Asymmetric and wanted to consult my opinion on several important issues. Of course, I accepted and proposed our minds meet over dinner. When he said that he wasn't too familiar with Los Angeles, I informed him that many fine restaurants reside in Los Angeles, "We'll dine at one of my city's fine Mexican eating establishments, El Cholo on Western Ave."
=> Read more!
What if O.J. were white? Is the media racist? 2007-09-25 00:22:22 My friend over at Magnasquids posted the following:
D***, what is it about successful black football players that pisses people off so much. I bet if OJ was white and was found not guilty, that whole mess would of blew over after a year and his banishment from the American main stream would have lifted already. Look at Barretta? Lyndsay Lohan is a d*** menace on our streets, but everyone still loves her. The Vice President shot somebody for Christ [capitalized for my pagan friend] sake.
=> Read more! Read more:media
Sit and Sleep gives away mattress for free. 2007-09-20 17:49:32 Sit and Sleep
commercial.
Sit 'n Sleep, Southern California's largest mattress retailer gave away its first mattress today after failing to beat an advertised price. Customer Brian Phillips explained:
I went to Sit and Sleep with a price for a Simmons Beautyrest from Mattress Warehouse. I just looked at the salesman dead in the eye and dared them to beat that price. He went to talk to his manager (I could hear them arguing in the back) and reappeared a few minutes later, but instead of the cocky smirk, he bore a sort of scowl. I knew that face from my chess club days- it was the look of defeat, utter dejection. He just pointed to the mattress. I walked over and took it away. It was sweet.
=> Read more!
Security sprays hall with gunfire at John Kerry Speech 2007-09-18 22:29:57 University of South Carolina students attending a John Kerry
speech ran for their lives as security guards opened fire on them. Nobody was hurt, but several students were trampled in the rush for the exits. Kerry aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, downplayed the incident: "Do you think we'd seriously murder a bunch of college kids? We just wanted to scare them a bit; they were being insolent."
Eyewitnesses gave conflicting accounts of the shooting. Sophomore Jane Hutchins claims that Kerry became upset when students booed after Kerry endorsed the Hillary Clinton health plan, "It wasn't like we were totally against it. We just didn't like that it preserved the for-profit insurance industry's stranglehold on health care. We wanted a single-payer system. After we noticed Kerry was a little quiet, we all tried to apologize, but he just winked at us and started walking away. That's when the shooting started."
Another attendee, Chad "Che" Wilkins contradicted Ms. Hutchins' Read more:gunfire
, Speech
, John Kerry
Irony-challenged man sues university over Modest Proposal essay 2007-09-18 19:01:22 The ACLU today announced a lawsuit against UC Santa Barbara on behalf of Randall Carlyle of Montecito, CA. The lawsuit claims that Carlyle's English professor, Dr. Milano, caused Mr. Carlyle emotional distress by requiring students to write their own "ModestProposal
" in the satirical style of Jonathan Swift, the author of the original Modest Proposal. Mr. Carlyle suffers from hypo-ironia or an inability to process sophisticated humor.
Dr. Milano assigned this paper even after Mr. Carlyle informed him that he was irony-challenged and couldn't, therefore, complete it, said ACLU attorney Maria Santana. The failure to accommodate Mr. Lopez' disability has resulted in multiple hardships for Mr. Carlyle including missing an entire semester of school and being dis-invited to judge the Sophomore Follies talent show. We demand an apology from the professor and the school and financial compensation. It's our hope that future attendees of UCSB will be spared Mr. Carlyle's humiliation.
Mar Read more:Irony
, essay
Flat-bunned women clash with teachers' groups over Carl's Jr ad 2007-09-13 15:57:05 The mayor of Clarksville, Tennessee deployed water cannon and riot police to a popular Hardee's restaurant today to separate teachers
protesting Carl's Jr.'s "Flat Buns" commercial from a contingent of the National Organization for the Betterment of Unendowed Tennesseans (NOBUT), an advocacy group for the rights of women with non-traditional buttocks.
The two groups started the day peacefully with passionate but polite exchanges occurring throughout the morning, but tensions flared shortly after members of NOBUT burned a straw-filled Jennifer Lopez in effigy. "We're tired of the J-Los, the Beyonces, their corporate sponsors and this pathetic patriarchy in general telling women that they have to 'have back;' It's about time that Carl's Jr. or Hardee's or whatever this company is called presented women with petite backsides in a positive light and we support them," said NOBUT member Jane Rogers.
=> Read more!
Obama promises to close beauty gap between women 2007-09-12 00:27:34 Presidential candidate Barack Obama
met with The Association of Women with Good Personalties (AWGP) to discuss the best strategy for coping with what the group terms the "looks gap." The issue has been placed on the front burner after a study released last week (here, and below) shocked America by revealing that men consider appearance when choosing a mate.
Obama poses for a picture as he leaves Hooters, the host of his conference call with the AWGP. "I appreciate the use of their state of the art equipment."
During the teleconference, Obama said:
This just shows that there are two Americas- a good looking one and a...another one. In an Obama administration, we will provide education starting in kindergarten to teach boys to consider the whole woman when dating. Every woman of non-traditional beauty will receive vouchers for dates with the man of their choice and we will build community centers without lights in which to host mixers. To those who say it'd be a waste of money, I s
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