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Gone Fishing
2007-05-18 07:33:00
This Norman Rockwell painting is one of my favorites. I'm feeling a bit tired and somehow just looking at it makes me smile. I only wish that I lived on a lake, owned a small boat, and could nap with my two dogs in the sun under an umbrella. Alas...Still, I'm taking a few days off from blogging. I'll be back on Monday. See you then!P.S. I just received my monthly newsletter from ProBlogger. I particularly liked the article entitled "How Not To Become a Grumpy Blogger."
Read more: Fishing , Gone Fishing

To Do List
2007-05-17 16:48:00
When a depression ends, one of my first tasks is to write a to do list. I've been doing this for years and I've always wondered if other BIPS (bipolars) do this as well. While the tasks on my list vary, there are always so many things that fall through the cracks when I'm ill that's it's often overwhelming to try and get back on track. Still, I've learned that the process of writing the list is healing because I feel like I'm beginning to regain control of my life. The following is a typical list and it's just for me. I used to have a list of things to catch up on for my son although now that he's older and my husband is retired, there's not a lot of catch-up work here. Still, I've always had great empathy for women (and men) who have more children and more responsibilities than I do (and whose spouses don't shoulder as much of the responsibility as my husband always has). Because it's too painful, I try not to think back on the days when I had freelance clients an


Reentering Life (Part 4)
2007-05-16 18:17:00
After all these years, I have to admit that while I think it's very important to reconnect with friends and family members after a depression ends, I also believe it's important to periodically think about the people with whom I'm reconnecting.I ask myself the following questions: Are they life-affirming or are they part of the problem? If being with them is "making me sick," are they worth it? Do I love them? Do they love me? Have I tried to resolve things? Have they? If they stopped being part of my life, would I miss them? If I was "on my deathbed," would I want to see them? What would I say to them? Can I say it now? What are the repercussions of ending this relationship? Am I currently depressed or hypomanic? (If so, I don't do anything until I'm "normal.") Do I need to discuss my feelings with a therapist? A clergyperson? A friend? Have I done everything in my power to try and make this relationship work? If not, what more can I do?Through the years, I've discarde


Reentering Life (Part 3)
2007-05-15 17:00:00
What I think is so interesting and unnerving about this illness is that my entire life can change within a day. The moment I emailed my friends, it was as if I had begun linking anew to everyone.Once again, the visual image of hibernating animals came to mind. At first I pictured bears in caves, waking up, and going forth into nature. Since they know that every other bear has been sleeping for months, reentering life is a natural part of their cycle. And that must be quite comforting.When I looked up "hibernating animals" online so that I could learn about other animals, I found the picture on the upper left of a marmot who's on display at a $5 million marmot interpretive center in Europe.Actually, I was jealous when I realized that scientists can raise this kind of money to study marmots and yet no one has funded a Bipolar Wellness Center. However, my envy quickly faded when I thought about reawakening from hibernation and finding myself in a glass case with a bunch or psychiatri


Reentering Life (Part 2)
2007-05-14 15:29:00
On May 5, I wrote a post called Reentering Life, in which I talked about how increasingly difficult I find it to reengage with my friends after a depression is over. I wrote that I find it easier to be with people I don't know rather than good friends who want to talk about their lives and ask me questions about mine. I said that once a depression is over, I'm not really interested in listening to a recitation of what's happened to everyone during my absence nor do I feel like talking about what I've been doing or perhaps more appropriately, not doing.I received a few different takes on this from Paul, Marja, and BamaGal, which you can read in the comments section. Yesterday, I received an email from Syd at Bipolarity that made me realize that my post was not entirely truthful. (I've linked to her post so you can read her response in context.)Actually, let me rephrase what I've just said. When I expressed my feelings on May 5, I was truthful about how I felt...then. However, w


Almost on Oprah on Mother's Day
2007-05-13 16:30:00
A few years after I'd written The Mommy Guide, book sales were lagging and I wanted to jump-start them again. So I talked to a friend in public relations and we decided that I should become the Mothers Day expert--primarily because no one else was.So...I researched Mother's Day and learned that it was started by Anna May Jarvis, the ninth of eleven children born in 1864 in Webster, West Virginia. When they moved to Grafton, a town four miles aways, her mother, Ann Marie, taught Bible classes at a local church. When Anna was twelve, after her mother finished teaching one of her lessons, she folded her hands and said, "I hope that someone, sometime will found a memorial mothers day commemorating her for the matchless service she renders to humanity in every field of life. She is entitled to it."This had a huge impact on Anna. In 1907, two years after her mother's death, she organized a church service in her mother's memory. She then organized a letter writing campaig
Read more: Almost , Oprah

Why Prayers Are Not Answered
2007-05-12 18:42:00
When my son was young, I bought a number of books about God and religion in order to try to explain my beliefs to him. Every so often, I reread these books because they're helpful to me as well. Today's quotes are from When Children Ask About God: A Guide for Parents Who Don't Always Have All the Answers, by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. He is also the author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Independent of your religious affiliation, I believe you'll find his words helpful.In the preface to this edition (1989), Rabbi Kushner writes, "Most of the religious problems I have helped people with in my thirty years as a rabbi have ultimately been traceable to this tendency, acquired in our childhood and never completely outgrown...'How could God let that happen? Why didn't God grant my prayer, when I offered it so sincerely?""There is a quip which some of my colleagues seem to appreciate more than I do: 'God always answers your prayers, but sometimes His answer is No'. This s


Blogging My Way to Wellness: A Confession (Part 4)
2007-05-11 09:01:00
(Final post of this series)I decided that independent of past experience,I would try blogging once again. For me, the key was to figure out a blog name that would attract positive and uplifting people. And I wanted to write content that would make me feel better, not worse.My first title was Bipolar Wellness . I tried that for a few weeks before I decided that perhaps it was a misnomer. While I seek wellness, I'm not well all the time. So I changed it to Bipolar Wellness Seeker. I think that I kept that title for a few weeks before I decided it sounded kind of wishy-washy. I imagined myself "seeking wellness forever but never finding it."My next title, which I only kept for few days was Bipolar Wellness Warrior. While it's true that I sometimes dream I'm a Wellness Warrior, I was afraid that others might think I have a violent side. In truth, I was thinking more in terms of the book, Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior.So, now I've become the Bipolar Wellness Writer, and t
Read more: Blogging

Intermission
2007-05-09 15:23:00
For those of you who are old enough--like me--you'll remember the early days of going to films when there was an intermission. Usually, they continued to run the sound track throughout and it was an opportunity to stretch, use the facilities, and buy refreshments.Well, for the next day or so, I need to take an Intermission from blogging. Last night, due to a family commitment, I didn't return home until late. Today I have a big project due for the photography class I'm taking at a local community college. We had to pick a photographer whose work we admire and who's got an least one published book of photographs, shoot 12 images from the book--outside on a table and bracket them--(Marja, it's too bad you live in another country. I sure could have used your expertise.), prepare a five to ten minute talk, and make an oral presentation.I chose Irving Penn because I like his style and there was a wonderful book of his photographs in the college library. What I particularly enjoy


Finding BIP Soul Mates: A Confession (Part 3)
2007-05-08 16:49:00
"Why is that?" my husband asked, after I told him I thought I might be frightened of developing relationships with other people who are bipolar."I'm not really sure," I said. "Part of it might be that I'm just not a group person. I don't define myself by my vocation, religion, or political party. I certainly don't see myself as "mentally ill." Years ago, when I first started visiting chat rooms, I felt worse, rather than better."I was desperately seeking advice to real-world problems and I couldn't find anyone with insight. To me the Internet felt like the World Wide Wound. At the time I couldn't identify one BIP (bipolar) who had a good job (that wasn't in the field of mental health or illness); was married, had children, and responsibilities; felt good about him or herself (despite the illness); was a problem-solver by nature; had a positive attitude; was self-disciplined; had a sense of humor, and thought about the bigger picture."Later, when I read bipolar blogs, I could


Support Group Auditions: A Confession (Part 2)
2007-05-07 09:03:00
The point was that I was somewhat at a loss. On the one hand, I said I wasn't defined by this illness. On the other hand, I couldn't seem to write about anything else. Actually, I would start writing about other subjects but whatever I was working on would always end up being about depression or bipolar disorder.And all my ideas at night--when I was asleep--which is one of my most creative periods, revolved around my illness in some way. One of my dreams was that I was a Depression Diva, kind of like a Dear Abby for the depressed set. I came up with these very amusing questions and answers, and I awakened myself because I was laughing so hard.When I told my husband about it, he said, "Honey, I'm not sure that most depressed people share your sense of humor.""Well, my audience is really bipolar depressed people," I answered. "Maybe they won't think I'm funny when they're depressed but they'll really laugh when they're hypomanic.""Maybe you should call yourself the Bipolar D
Read more: Support , Group , Auditions

A Confession (Part 1)
2007-05-06 17:48:00
When I started this blog a few months ago, I had only communicated once before with someone who's bipolar. Although my illness was diagnosed almost 18 years ago, and I started researching it on the Internet a few years later, if you think back, the Internet was fairly new then--at least for me.Initially, there were few sites from which to seek advice. At the time, the one I liked best was Dr. Ivan Goldberg's Depression Central. He's a well-known New York psychiatrist and researcher with credentials up the kazoo. What I liked best about his site was that it wasn't funded by pharmaceutical companies, and he included articles in their entirety. He didn't have a point of view. And he published a ton of information that I couldn't find elsewhere.I learned a lot but I found it very depressing. Within a few years, I had evolved from an "atypical bipolar II" to a "medication resistant rapid cycler." Although I could find almost nothing on bipolar II, I learned that "medication resis


Reentering Life (Part 1)
2007-05-05 18:43:00
I think that one of the most difficult aspects of surviving a depression is reentering life. Years ago, when I told a new psychiatrist how hard it is, he said, "Well, I tell all my patients that they should continue with their activities during a depression so that they don't feel so isolated when it's over."I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry in response to his pronouncement. We'd only seen each other a few times. I wondered if I needed to tell him how smart I am so that he wouldn't continue to make such ridiculous statements in the future--which ultimately would cause me to stop seeing him.What I wanted to say to him was, "After all your experience with patients, is this the best advice you've got? If you had told me that you'd established a Bipolar or Depression Wellness Center where patients could go every day during their depression and receive a multitude of services, get massages, listen to music, work in a garden, remain silent among other people, or take classes, th


Ayurvedic Medicine and SAD
2007-05-04 09:10:00
According to Alternative Medicine : The Definitive Guide, "Ayurevedic medicine (meaning "science of life") is a comprehensive system of medicine that combines natural therapies with a highly personalized approach to the treatment of disease. It places an equal emphasis on body, mind, and spirit, and strives to restore the innate harmony of the individual."The most famous proponent of Ayurvedic medicine is Deepak Chopra, M.D., a western-trained endocrinologist, who is the co-founder of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing in Carlsbad, California. He's also the person who has undoubtedly introduced more westerners to this type of healing than anyone else."Ayurvedic medicine is founded on the concept of metabolic body types, or doshas," which are somewhat similar to the Western view of thin, muscular, and fat. But that's far too simplistic a definition and in Ayurevedic medicine, they have a far greater influence on your health.Without going into a whole lot of detail, according to Dr.


What If Human Hibernation Was Okay?
2007-05-03 09:10:00
I've often thought that maybe those of us who suffer from seasonal depression aren't truly sick at all. Perhaps we're just a slightly different species. Within the animal kingdom, I'm can't imagine that lions, tigers, elephants, giraffes and others go around criticizing black bears, badgers, bats, chipmunks, fat-tailed lemurs, ground squirrels, hamsters, woodchucks, prairie dogs, and raccoons just because they go to sleep for a couple of months in the winter and awaken in the spring.Why do we get such grief for similar behavior? What if it wasn't considered a bad thing to just need a brief respite each year? What if we knew that it was okay to eat more, gain a little weight, prepare to have a long snooze, and awaken in the spring when it's sunny and nice?Bears prepare themselves. They rake leaves, twigs, and other plants to make a nest of sorts. They make dens in burrows, caves, hallowed-out trees, and crevices. They go to sleep with their loved ones, and wake up months l


Seasonal Affective Disorder
2007-05-02 18:18:00
One of the preeminent authorities on Seasonal Affective Disorder, SAD, is Dr. Norman Rosenthal, author of Winter Blues: Everything You Need to Know to Beat Seasonal Affective Disorder. Joining a group of colleagues at the National Institutes of Mental Health, he began pioneering studies about this illness in the early 1980's.What's interesting about Rosenthal is that he, too, suffered from a seasonal illness. When he left Johannesburg, South Africa for New York to attend medical school, he suddenly found that "the long summer days were a source of endless delight and the short, dark winter days brought a dreariness of spirit that was alien and mysterious." The treatment that Rosenthal and his colleagues offered was "light therapy."In an article from 2002 0n his website, Rosenthal writes, "In the past few years pharmaceutical companies have joined in the effort to find new angles for treating and preventing SAD. This is an extremely welcome development because it highlights SAD as a


Ebbs and Flows
2007-05-02 07:24:00
For me, there has always been a seasonal element to this illness. Last year, on May 1, I suddenly felt truly wonderful and it lasted until the end of October. This year, I've been okay for the last few months--not great--just okay.Yesterday, I thought everything had changed and the depression was finally over. I awakened feeling really good. Given that the medication I take for depression is a stimulant, once I feel well I have to immediately stop taking it. Unlike other people who are supposed to titrate off medication, I have to abruptly stop because otherwise it will cause a hypomania.From years of experience I know that once a depression ends, it's usually over. What's amazing--and disturbing about manic depression--is that whenever you feel like you've got it under control, it smacks you in the face.While I felt fine in the morning and I was able to attend my biweekly photography class at a local community college, by late afternoon I was exhausted. And a few hours later
Read more: Flows

Losing My Sense of Humor
2007-04-30 10:00:00
Today I was going to write more about yesterday's comments from the college senior who's bipolar, was quickly diagnosed, easily able to find medication that works, is stable, and wonders why there aren't more "happy" bipolars out there with a sense of humor.Actually, her questions made me think about a lot of issues that aren't easily answered. However, it turns out that she prefers to communicate privately with me. So I have time to think about the questions she posed, which I will address in the weeks to come. (I do want to thank Polly and Marja and everyone else who wrote to her, told their stories, and offered such hopeful advice.)However, I must admit that I, too, wonder why some of us use humor to write about pain, suffering, and disappointment, and others don't. One of the reasons I was unable to sell my memoir for so long, fourteen years. was that it wasn't sad enough. After numerous rejections, my agent lost faith in it. So I began sending it out myself until I couldn
Read more: Sense , Humor

Bipolar Lyrics 2
2007-04-29 13:57:00
Actually, I already posted lyrics to two other songs, I Feel Pretty from Westside Story and On Top of Old Smokey on my other site, Honk If You Write to Heal. Today's lyrics are from Puff, The Magic Dragon, a folk song, which was written by Leonard Lipton and Peter Yarrow and sung in 1963 by Peter, Paul, and Mary. (For some reason, I'm having trouble showing the guitar chords, and I'll add them later today.) Who says we bipolars don't have a sense of humor?Susan, A Bipolar MotherSusan, a bipolar mother, lives in West L.A.,And does the best that she can do, with her illness every day.She takes her pills religiously, keeps mood charts like a pro.Drinks no liquor, takes no drugs, which are bad things as you know. Oh!Susan found a good psychiatrist, who explained what she should do,how to cope with a mon-i-ker of atypical bipolar II.Medications were a problem; they failed when er'r prescribed,Her disappointment was intense, and sometimes Susan cried.Lithium and Depakote, and Lamicta


Work Wrap-Up
2007-04-28 05:02:00
First, congrats to Syd and Polly on their new jobs! I'm thinking it would be great if everyone who reads this blog spends a few moments sending positive thoughts their way.Second, check out my new chatbox in the left column. I've decided it might be a great way to send messages between posts or for people to mention something they've written about in their blogs. It can be a message board for all of us. Thanks to Owen at Tips for New Bloggers for all his technical help. If you're using blogspot to host your blog, the tips that he and his partner provide are wonderful.Third, there were some wonderful comments on yesterday's blog. I'm going to post them in their entirety. I'm still new to blogging and I'm not sure if everyone goes back and rereads comments, so here they are. The subject is whether or not to disclose your illness at work.Jinnah from the LivingManicDepressive website and Blog writes:Here's a good one. I'm in a management position where I do have to make d


Disclosing Your Illness or Not?
2007-04-27 03:39:00
In the Bipolar Disorder Daily News Blog from September 16, 2006, the writer quotes David J. Miklowitz, a professor of psychology at the University of Colorado at Boulder and author of The Bipolar Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know. When asked whether bipolar workers should disclose their illness or not, Mikowitz talks about the stigma and says bipolar workers usually adopt one of four strategies. -"Tell everyone about the condition, including the boss and co-workers.-Tell one or more trusted co-workers who don't hold positions of authority.-Don't tell anyone, but admit to having a bipolar disorder on any work-sponsored health insurance claims, opening the possibility that the employer may find out.-Don't tell anyone at work, and don't use your employer-provided health insurance to cover treatment costs."I'd be interested in knowing other people's point of view. Since my illness wasn't diagnosed until so late in my career, my experience may be quite differe


Saying No to "F" Jobs
2007-04-26 03:37:00
For today's post, I had intended to focus on an interview in the December 2003 issue of Psychiatric Times with Zlatka Russinova, Ph.D., a senior research associate at Boston University's Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation who has specialized in researching the connections between mental illness and employment. But when I read my email this morning, I found some important comments, which I'd like to share. So I'll give you the highlights of the Russinova interview and include the comments as well.In the article, Employment Programs Help Patients with Mental Illness Succeed, Russinova is quoted as saying, "One of the old myths was that people with serious mental illness could only do low-level jobs--the so-called F jobs: flowers, filing, food. We have done studies that have documented capacity of the mentally ill to be successful."Don't you just love it that she uses the term, the "so-called F jobs"? While some of us can think of another "F" word to describe those jobs, she's


The Voice of Vocation
2007-04-25 15:40:00
While this post isn't about the special challenges that bipolar people experience at work, I must share a wonderful book that I bought when I was feeling depressed and I was concerned about whether I was pursuing the right path. It's called Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, and was written by Parker J. Palmer, a senior associate of the American Association for Higher Education and senior adviser to the Fetzer Institute, a nonprofit organization with the mission of fostering love and forgiveness in the emerging global community.Perhaps the best description of the book comes from the copy on the inside flap. "'Is the life I am living the same as the life that wants to live in me?" With this searching question, Parker Palmer begins an insightful and moving meditation on finding one's true calling. Let Your Life Speak is an openhearted gift to anyone who seeks to live authentically."The book's title is a time-honored Quaker admonition, usually taken to mean


Work: A Bipolar Bummer (Part 2)
2007-04-24 17:41:00
Yesterday's blog on work tied for the top number of "hits" on any subject I've written about thus far. And more people posted comments than on any other topic.Clearly, we all agree it's a very important topic and as far as I'm aware, there's not a lot written about it--in books. Perhaps, it's been discussed on some of the major bipolar web sites but I'm not sure. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, I rarely read these sites because dwelling on the sad aspects of this illness doesn't make me feel well. While I'm happy to discuss any and all problems, by nature I'm a solution-oriented problem solver.Having said this, I suddenly realized that I wasn't sure how to proceed on this topic. I'm not sure how to use the blogging format to discuss individual questions that may be pressing. For example, I read Syd's comment and she needs help right now. She was recently diagnosed. She's currently experiencing a depression. She's been a freelancer for the past six years a
Read more: Bipolar , Bummer

Work: A Bipolar Bummer
2007-04-23 16:32:00
Although I was able to work full-time for almost 20 years, once I began taking medication and I got sicker and sicker, I was unable to work on site. Both the severity and duration of my depressive episodes increased. I went from having two annual six-week depressive periods, one in April and the other in October, to having one depressive episode last an entire year.Luckily, I had already developed a number of skills that initially enabled me to continue working as a freelance writer, grant writer, and author. The bummer was that my second book, The Mommy Guide, was published just before I started this downward spiral. While I was initially able to attend a number of book signings at bookstores and even do a few radio interviews, my greatest opportunity came when the medication was producing terrible side effects.I was approached by an international advertising agency who wanted to send me on a six-city book tour if I would endorse a baby formula that one of their clients manufactu
Read more: Bipolar , Bummer

Jabba The Hut and Zyprexa
2007-05-21 17:45:00
A few weeks ago, BamaGal asked me to write about medication and weight gain. Although I've suffered a wide array of side effects on medication, weight gain is a real bummer. And while I've gained weight on any number of drugs, the worst by far was Zyprexa. I gained ten pounds a week and by the time I added 30 pounds, I stopped taking it.Although I have high self-esteem, I felt I had begun looking like Jaba the Hutt from Star Wars. It's bad enough to be bipolar but to be fat and bipolar was more than I could stand. All these years later, I'm grateful I went off Zyprexa as quickly as I did. If you read Bipolar Chica's comments from May 15, she got diabetes from taking Zyprexa and Seroquel.On January 4, 2007, Eli Lilly, the maker of Zyprexa agreed to pay over $500 million to settle 18,000 lawsuits with others who took Zyprexa and got diabetes or hypoglycemia. (Bipolar Chica, you should check this out because there are more Zyprexa class action suits being waged.)However, this


Defining Bipolar Wellness (Part 2)
2007-05-21 07:17:00
Although I spent about ten hours in the last four days reading sentences and paragraphs by a slew of famous authors, some of whose books I've read many times and some, not at all, and felt that I was on holiday rather than at work and thinking about "illness and wellness" and what I've been writing about--when I awakened this morning, I realized that I now see my path more clearly.To me, writing about wellness isn't just focusing on topics related to being bipolar. Before my diagnosis, when I was well most of the time, I felt good because I pursued my passions in the same way that Ms. Prose studies literature.And these days, despite my diagnosis, I have a range of interests that have nothing to do with being bipolar. I read books on writing, music, photography (a new interest), woodworking, religion, art, wellness, table tennis, politics, song writing, and healing, among others. In the last few weeks, I have read Coming to Light, a biography of Edward S. Curtis, the photographer who
Read more: Bipolar , Wellness

Defining Bipolar Wellness (Part 1)
2007-05-20 22:10:00
I took three days off from blogging because my posts had gotten a little too intense--for me. After fourteen years of remaining silent about this illness, at least publicly, it seemed as if I had so much to say that I couldn't just write short posts or "fun" posts. I felt compelled to tackle difficult topics and write about "important" subjects that I had longed to read about--for all those years--but couldn't find in the books and blogs I was reading.I realize that I am an "all or nothing" type person, which is either a personality trait or a part of my illness. Maybe it's a bit of both. Yet, after a few days of rest...I asked myself, "What does it mean to be a bipolar wellness writer? What is my responsibility to my readers? How can I help people achieve wellness? How do I define wellness? What are bipolar wellness topics?"I spent a few days noodling this over. I "noodle" in different ways. Sometimes, I think about specific questions. Sometimes, I do research--either in
Read more: Bipolar , Wellness

Top 10 Reasons for Feeling Grateful
2007-05-25 02:45:00
(When I tried to find an image for "feeling grateful," the stuff was insipid. But when I Googled "feeling happy," I found the photograph to the left, which made me smile. And I guess I feel grateful that a picture of kids having a wonderful day at the beach makes me smile.)As I wrote yesterday's post and thought about how difficult my life was for a decade, I'm so grateful for how well I feel now. It's not that things are always easy. I've only been completely done with my latest depression for less than a week. But yesterday, as I was walking around the J. Paul Getty Museum taking photographs, I felt so very grateful and I'd like to share my top ten reasons:1. I feel grateful that six weeks ago, despite being in the last stages of a five-month depressive episode, I felt well enough to sign up for an eight-week class and was confident--for the first time in years--that I would be able to sustain my health for eight straight weeks.2. I feel happy that once a depressive episod
Read more: Reasons , Feeling

Asking for Help
2007-05-24 13:15:00
I want to thank Marja and Syd for responding to yesterday's post. Perhaps there were others who read about Bipolar Chica on my blog but I'm not sure who they are. When I returned from my photography field trip to the J. Paul Getty Museum, the first thing I did was check my email messages. Then I went to Conversations in My Mind, and I was delighted to read that my "new friends" had left such uplifting comments.I think that one of the most important lessons I've learned from this illness is how to ask for help. I'll never forget how difficult it was for me to show my vulnerability. My son was in elementary school. I'd begun taking yet another medication that had awful side effects. I was at UCLA (my alma mater) signing up for a summer program for my son. All I had to do was to fill out a simple form.I asked the guy at the summer program office for the form and began filling it out. I ruined the first copy because my hand tremors were so bad that I couldn't write legibly wit
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