Owner: a bit of me URL:http://nomoredreaming.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 01:37:50 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: I am a friendly, and kind girl with a wicked sense of humour and a very big heart. Well usually I am… I can also be the cow who isn’t afraid to say what others are only thinking. I am also called a transsexual, but that's none of your buisness anyways. Site statistics:Click here
I lost it 2006-10-10 05:42:00 Oscar and I were invited to a friend's birthday dance party. The theme was "fabulous". Perfect I thought as I haven't felt fabulous in about eight months and had been itching to dress up and enjoy a night out. So I was really looking forward to it.I knew what I was going to wear. My black knee length skirt with pinkish piping spiralling from the waist to the handkerchief hem. A shiny black tank top and black, strappy heels with black stockings and black leg warmers slouched low over my ankles and the heels of the shoes. It's a hot outfit and I always feel sexy when I wear it.The night was going to be a blast! I was so excited.Then came the dreaded shaving of the face. Yes, I still have facial hair. I've had six or seven lasering treatments already but I still have to shave everyday. I can usually thin it out enough so you wouldn't notice it unless you're a couple of feet away, but it's such a drain on my self-esteem and is a constant thorn in my side. Lately though,
Good for Nothing 2006-09-28 23:21:00 This trans horseshit is sure annoying. Why does it have to be such a big issue? It should be once you are diagnosed, you get treatment. We shouldn't have to prove to anyone that we are serious and MSP should cover it. All of it. Without question. Why not? Other people get their shit covered.If I smoked for 30 years and gave myself cancer or emphysema, the bastards would be spending all kinds of money treating me for something I knowingly and deliberately did to myself and I wouldn't have to wait two years nor would I have to beg for "permission" from shrinks.Instead, because we were born with a congenital defect, a condition that we don't want, did not bring on ourselves, and tried all we could to avoid, we have to beg for help from people who treat us as charity cases and who humour us with token treatments.The medical community sees us as a sad group of misfits, an inner city problem, and they treat us the same as drug addicts and the homeless. They stick us in ineffectual Read more:Nothing
I'm not deaf so STOP YELLING AT ME! 2006-09-20 09:11:00 Well, it's been an eventful summer. Medically I mean. I found out I won't need hip replacement surgery any time soon. The pain is caused by an over stressed muscle trying to straighten my slightly swayed back. What does this mean? It's not a disease and doesn't need medication or surgery. It's mechanics and can be treated with strength training.That was good news because I was really stressing about it. I have more than enough scars and the thought of a long ugly one on my thigh did not appeal to me at all.I then had a bone scan to check for a fracture in my right hand. It was sore for quite a while after a fight I was in last summer. It took eleven months to get the scan so any break would have healed up long ago.YaY for timely access to health services!I also had ear surgery to correct my PETD. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out so well. Every time I hear really low frequency sounds, I have problems. It's so weird. It must have something to do with the low Read more:YELLING
Dawson College Shooting 2006-09-13 23:17:00 Oscar's mother, who is an instructor at DawsonCollege
in Montreal, is ok. She wasn't hurt in the attack on the school earlier today.Oscar hasn't actually talked to her though. She left a message on her answering service saying she was fine. She was suppose to tour the school at the time of the shooting, with some friends who are visiting from Isreal, but the plans changed and she went to the gym instead.Early reports said there was more than one gunman but this turned out to be false. Witnesses say the shooting started outside before the gunman entered the school.About 19 people were injured and a 19 year old girl was killed. The lone gunman was shot in the arm by police. He then retreated into a corner and shot himself.052810
Inspirational Representation 2006-08-09 09:17:00 Check out my friend Dee's website.Dee is an absolutely gorgeous woman from the Philippines who is also a transsexual and an activist in her country. She recently represented the Philippines in the Gay Games in Chicago and the Out Games in Montreal and it sounds like her visit was an empowering event for her. She was invited to appear at a press conference where she spoke on behalf of the transsexual women's plight to be counted as women first, and the struggles we have to go through just because we are transsexuals.Here is an excerpt from an article Dee was interviewed for.Dee sees the Gay Games as a way of redefining herself more simply, in spite of how others perceive her. "Transsexual comes after my being a woman, so that should be my main experience," she said, "then a woman of color." But these are all unnecessary categories, she sighed. "It should just end at woman."I think Dee did a wonderful, and dignified job representing women like us as women first, and we should thank h Read more:Inspirational
, Representation
A Photographic Timeline 2006-07-20 03:25:00 I have very bad memory. It has been called a kind of disassociative amnesia. A condition mainly associated with a traumatic incident as a child. I am not sure what exactly triggered it for me but I think it comes from my inability to relate to my existence. So the memories of my first 20 years or so are secondary and usually forgotten. Kind of like watching a movie and not being able to remember any of it an hour later. Most of my childhood memories are from family members retelling old stories with me asking, "Where was I?"It is something that I have been working on since I first learned of it when I was about 25, and I have found that photos are a great way for me to attach personal memories to events. As you can see though, there is a huge gap of about 15 years with absolutely no photos. So my memories from these years are virtually non-existent.I have disappointed many friends with my inability to remember the smallest occasions that we shared and it is something that I have come t Read more:Photographic
, Timeline
Melancholy 2006-10-28 10:20:00 It's raining and I'm bored. I have nothing to do but sit here, watch the rain, and think. Not too hard though. I'm too tired for that. Well, not really tired. Just uninspired. Mmm, maybe not. More like, retrospective. Retrospective in an uninspired way. Kinda like, melancholy.I don't feel like writing much lately. I haven't had much to say anyways. At least nothing positive. Looking back at my posts from a year ago, I can see my life has made no progress. So I don't have anything new to write about. Just more complaining.I stopped going to the support group. I didn't go to the group for support but rather to lend it and seeing as how I'm in such a funk lately, I wouldn't have anything positive to contribute. So no point in bringing everyone else down with me.I'm not looking for work anymore. I'm just not interested in outing myself to strangers in the hope one of them will give me a job. It's just not going to happen. Why should it? Why would someone hi
A Girl Like Me 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Last April, Oscar, my friend Summer, and I were hired to work on the LifeTime film, "A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story". It's the true story of Gwen Araujo. A transgendered girl who was murdered by three guys when they found out about her birth sex. It's a sad story.But the point of this post is not to talk about the murder of Gwen. Enough has been said already and for me to add anything would be redundant. Instead, I want to tell of our experiences on set those three days.It was the first time I have been back on a film set in about two years, (I left the film industry before I started my transition), and this time I was doing background work where as before, I was part of the film crew. So I was really looking forward to it. I was hoping to catch up with some old friends. And I did. A few of the actors and film crew remembered me. In fact, Jay Brazeau, who plays the defence lawyer in A Girl Like Me and who I had worked with on "Moving Malcolm", was pretty surprised
Dead Canadian Soldiers 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Recently, Prime Minister Steven Harper started a media ban on any footage of the dead Canadian
soldiers arriving home from Afghanistan. Harper will only allow footage of the ramp ceremony back in Afghanistan. Harpers decision has created a debate here in Canada, with people for and against the ban.Now I know that some families want their privacy. They don't want to be hounded by the cameras and reporters. I can respect that. And I can also respect the need for fellow Canadians to see the truth about Canada's part in the war on terror.So where do I stand on this?Well in this case, I can speak from both sides.My brother is in the military. Career military, (I'm not suppose to mention which trade though). 18 years now. He's been on tour in Bosnia, Afghanistan, Germany, and did some hush hush stuff in Haiti. And I am sure he has done other things that we know nothing about. He is only 11 months younger than me and we moved around a lot growing up so we were each other's best frien Read more:Soldiers
No Progress 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One year and 51 posts later.Where am I?I'm stuck at Oscar's place with no money, no job, and no prospects. I feel like I have made no progress in my life since last October. It's driving me nuts. I haven't heard from the financing program for school. I haven't been able to get anymore lasering. I haven't been able to get my throat surgery.Yet all around me, others are moving ahead.I'm starting to feel like the boy I was just a few years ago.And why not? I'm living the same way he was. Poor, depressed, and bored. Unmotivated and tired. Spending my days lying in bed daydreaming about the life I want. But no energy to do anything about it.I haven't been this depressed in about 15 years.I am so stuck.My life as I transition from a boy to a girl and the mess I make along the way.
sinking 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm trying to stay positive.But it's hard.My depression is getting worse. I can't seem to shake this feeling of hopelessness and despair. It's getting harder to get out of bed. And when I do, I spend the day struggling on the edge of tears. I try to put on a brave face because I don't want anyone to see me like this but I'm sinking
fast. It seems so pointless.I try to remember how happy I was but it seems so long ago. I can't remember it. I can't seem to remember anything. My mind seems to be slipping. Everything seems so alien to me. Who I was. Who I am. It makes no sense.I am getting so tired of trying.046753My life as I transition from a boy to a girl and the mess I make along the way.
ugly 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have become so ugly.I hate the sight of my reflection in the mirror. All I see is the old boy that used to be there. But it looks different than I remember. It looks so strange to me. So rough and strained with anger and disgust. So hideous.During the day I try to ignore it by doing things. But it's different in the night. I can't get away from it. It's in my head and it keeps me awake with its constant talking. It tells me I am stupid. It says I should stop fooling myself. That I am not who I am. That I will never be who I want to be. That I am destined to failure if I try because no one will believe me. That there is no use in trying so hard and to give up. To stop fighting what is inevitable and let it take over.It keeps yelling at me. I am getting so sick of it. I don't want to hear it anymore. It's relentless. It won't stop.Like a demon. An evil inside trying to force it's way out just so it can hurt me.Fill me with anger.Make me do stupid things.Kill me.I am becom
Man with a Big Sword 1970-01-01 00:59:59 For those of you who were not able to see the photo from my previous post, before I took it down, let me describe the situation of the photo to you.It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was just rising and the air was filled with freshness and the beautiful songs of morning birds. I was a poor girl, with no shoes and a simple peasant dress, but I had decorated my hair with a wreath made of lilys and lavender from the meadow near the forest where I was gathering herbs and roots for my sick grandmother. It was a tranquil and safe place. Or so it was supposed to be which is why I had left my mace at home.Suddenly, a troll came galloping out of the woods!He was slobbering and large, with pasty white skin, blood shot, bulging eyes, and yellow coffee stained teeth. His hands were bruised and crippled with carpel tunnel syndrome and his hair and beard where all tangled with remnants of take-out pizza, and Chinese food. His shirt stuck to his sweat drenched body and his pantaloons were down a Read more:Sword
Trans Nothing 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I have been lumped into a catergory that I think will do more damage than good. That catergory is "Transgendered" or "Trans" for short. Included in the group are transsexuals (me), drag queens, crossdressers(CD), and transvestities(TV), as well as bi-gender, multi-gender, and androgynous people.I wish they had asked the transsexual women if we wanted to be included in this group.That is because of the general public's view of "trans" people. A view that is caused by the CD/TV community and has resulted in many TS women wanting to be separate from all of that.I read a recent contribution to a friends blog. It was written by a "trans" girl. Now what kind of trans girl she is, I don't know. But I have to say that I have mixed feelings about this post. The overall point is good but I don't necessarily agree with two parts."We as CD's, TV's, TG's, TS, want to wear the uniform but we don't want to perform the duties that goes along with it. We expect everyone Read more:Nothing
Walk Away 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I absolutely love this photo.The colours. The lighting. The mood. I love it!The delicate girl in the dirty surroundings. It feels like the girl has snuck away to some place she knew no one would see her so she could find a moment to be herself.I found it on deviantART. It's called "Walk Away
" and is from Coxi.I want this print but I don't have a credit card so there is no way for me to order it. Actually, I have never had a credit card. But it's times like this when I wish I did. I suppose I could just print it off from the computer but I would rather support the artist.My life as I transition from a boy to a girl and the mess I make along the way.
Lucky Me! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I never aspired to be an escort and I really don't want to be one. I have better things to do with my life than being a play toy. God has allowed me to be a part of such a wonderful life and I want to show my appreciation for having so many opportunities. Opportunities that I only have because of luck. So I need to do something that will feel worthy to me.I want to be a pilot and fly aid flights to people in need. But I would also like to share my experiences with others.So I was also thinking that I would like to make a reality show about the flights. A camera crew working with my flight crew and me as we helped others.The intention is to show how people are living in poverty, famine, and war without making the viewer feel guilty.After all, I don't want them to change the channel.I think that if the viewer can identify with a common element, like the flight crew, then hopefully, the viewer will become interested in the work that we are doing.Kind of like the recent popularity with
A Voice in my Head 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I hate the sound of my own voice.Well, I don't really hate the sound of it. I just hate hearing it in my head.I have recently been diagnosed with a condition known as "patulous eustachian-tube dysfunction," (PETD). It's a condition in which the eustachian tubes remain open all of the time. Eustachian tubes are tubes of muscle and cartilage that extend from the throat to the middle ears (the air pocket behind each eardrum). They are closed most of the time, and "pop open" occasionally to ventilate the middle ears.When a person speaks, most of the sound is conducted to the inner ear via the normal route (mouth to ear). A small amount of sound is transmitted directly to the inner ear by bone conduction (vibration of the skull). People with patulous eustachian-tube dysfunction note they can hear themselves breathing and a very disconcerting echo whenever they talk. A "talking in my head" effect. That's because the sound of their voice reaches the inner ear via the usual pathway AN Read more:Voice
History of Haily 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I recently saw a movie that I had worked on a few years ago. And when the credits rolled I saw my old name. I don't like seeing my old name in film credits. I wish that I had used my real name. Unfortunately, it's to late to have them changed. Haily was an established name but my transition was still a secret so I would use my boy name for work. Which, in hindsight, is a little silly. The film industry is a pretty safe place to transition. Turns out there are quite a few trans people working in the industry. This isn't surprising. The industry has always attracted open-minded people. But I didn't feel safe enough at the time.Oh well...Some people say that I should honour the memory of my past by keeping the references the same. But I don't want my old memories to be referred to as "when I was a boy" or by an old male name. It's a constant reminder of a terrible time for me.But I do think the best honour I can give that person, is knowing that person made me who I am today. A Read more:History
This is what I am 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Lately, I have been gathering a lot of attention about my opinions of the transgendered umbrella. I have taken a rather defensive stand towards the misrepresentation of transsexual women by declaring to everyone that I am not a drag queen, crossdresser or transvestite. This has resulted in letters of protest from members of those communities.Then Oscar said to me, "Why don't you stop fighting with people about what you are not, and start telling them what you are?"Good point. (Thanks Oscar!)My name is Haily.I am a woman.And I am a transsexual.I was born with a male part. A part that has caused great conflict within me. So much so, that the only alternative could seem like death. I could not relate to the parts of a male. The thinking of a male. Or the expressions of a male. I did not want to be male in any way. I had an extra appendage, a part that no one ever saw, and because of it, I have been forced to act like something I am not. I have been made to feel ashamed and an outcas
Regrets 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Well it would seem that my days as an escort are numbered. In fact, as of today, I have nine days left. Then I will be moving in with my boyfriend and looking for a normal job which I am looking forward to as it feels like what a normal person would do as being an escort while living with my boyfriend would not be normal. Not that being an escort is normal.I do have my regrets though.I will miss the freedom. The freedom of being my own boss. The freedom to work when I wanted. The freedom to take as much time off as I want. The freedom to spend my days doing what ever I wanted. The freedom of knowing that I didn't answer to anyone.But worse of all is knowing I haven't accomplished any of the goals I had originally set out to do. Last year, after paying all my bills, I still had $22 000 that I could have used for my transition and school.I didn't do any of that.I didn't get anymore lasering. I didn't get my throat surgery. I didn't get any FFS and I didn't take care of an Read more:Regrets
Trouble Maker 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Holy Hell!Did I ever start a battle over my last post! Check out some of the comments. And look at the fur fly over at Club Tz!It seems that when ever I mention the differences between TS women and the CD/TV culture, a bunch of CDs and TVs will get up in arms about how "we are all the same". I've had this battle before so I knew what to expect.It's no biggy. And my opinion stands.But I will admit that I did more to be a part of the problem than part of the solution. Not in spite though. I'm just stubborn.So to bore you all, (and to post something as it's been quite a while since my last one), here is my closing argument. ___________I have said time and again that I have many friends who describe themselves as crossdressers, transvestites, and drag queens. And I always refer to, support, and respect them in the gender they choose. I truly do understand the need to express your gender whether it's male, female, or both. I respect that and am thankful that I don't have the c Read more:Trouble
blood 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I thought about going to a park today.I wanted to find a big tree with lots of leaves.So I could lay down in the shade of the tree.Rest my head in the grass, and look up into the sky.I would see the clouds go by.And hold my hands high in the sky trying to touch them.I would breathe the air.And watch the blood run down my arms as I shield my eyes from the sun.Instead, I went to Wendy's.I had a Big Bacon Classic with fries and a Coke.Biggie size.I thought it might help me feel better.But the clerk called me sir.I wrote this just two weeks ago. A bit melodramatic I know, but I wrote this with sincerity. It is the way I felt. I actually went to the park that day, that is how bad I was. But as you can tell, I did come home.I am not in that place anymore although I am not much beyond it. I am still very depressed. The feeling of despair and hopelessness is still, very much, a part of my days and nights. But the efforts of Oscar, some of my friends, and the many letters I have received late
Creeps in Cars 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I use to walk home late at night, from the bar I performed at in Calgary, and this was when I first learned of the hassles girls get from guys after dark. They would pull up and ask if I wanted a ride, or lurk around corners and "psst" me, or call out, "Come here" when I walked by. It boggled my mind. Do these guys actually expect me to jump in their car, or to come over when they call out from the shadows? How stupid do they think girls are? Does this ever work for them, and if so, what kind of girl falls for it?I never had any problems though so when I decided to walk home late last night after being out with some friends, I wasn't too worried.I went down Broadway, which is a major street. Nonetheless, I was sure to get at least one catcall from a passing car, but other than that, I wasn't expecting too much. Plus I knew I would be pretty safe because Broadway is a busy thoroughfare with lots of traffic.So off I went.I had been walking for about twenty minutes and had onl
Surprises! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I had a great Christmas. It was a holiday full of surprises. Things, which were totally unexpected, were happening.First, Chuck sent me an electrolysis machine. Not the battery operated kind, but a house power model. It's pretty intimidating and I'm afraid to use it on my face, but it will come in handy for other areas.Then, a few days later, another package arrived. At first I thought it was another one from Chuck, but then I saw the name "Bobbie Jean" and the waybill. Bobbie Jean is a friend of Chucks, and we have exchanged a couple of e-mails, but we have never met, so I was a bit surprised to get a package from her. When I opened it, I was even more surprised. It was a new digital camera! I couldn't believe it! I love photography but since my other camera broke I haven't been able to do any new photos. So when Bobbie Jean gave me this camera, it totally made my month!When Oscar saw it, he said, "Whoa, you don't deserve that!"The surprises didn't stop there eithe
Possibly done. 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My posts have become far and few these past months. It's not that things haven't been note worthy. I'm just not really interested in keeping this blog going anymore. It could be due to where I am in my life. The lack of progress and all the stress associated with the mess I've made for myself. If so, then once things improve, I may want to blog again. It's just hard to imagine right now.Maybe I'll come back here, or maybe I'll delete the whole thing and start a new life somewhere else.074146My life as I transition from a boy to a girl and the mess I make along the way.
Hang on! I'll be right back! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Ok, I'm going to update soon. I've just been real busy with stuff.For a chick with no job, how come I can never find time to update this thingy?For those keeping score, I've moved out of the ex's place and am now living with four roommates, and two dogs. Well, I was. Within my first week here, two of the roommates moved out, a third was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, and one of the dogs ran away.And now the last roommate is complaining the remaining dog "keeps fucking staring at me!"I'm off to a good start.Hey! I just updated!076051My life as I transition from a boy to a girl and the mess I make along the way.
In your face! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Wow!Look at this!I found it on Post Secret.076421My life as I transition from a boy to a girl and the mess I make along the way.
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