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Women Soccer - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-08 02:42:00 ============FlasherThere were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.The first lady immediately had a stroke.Then the second lady also had a stroke.But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Read more:Women
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Wife Cuddle - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-08 02:40:00 ================3 Against 2So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority."Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told Read more:Funny
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Wheel Camera - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-08 02:36:00 ==================New RoosterA farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the f Read more:Funny
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Whale Pack - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-08 02:34:00 ================Pet LobstersAfter a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?" Read more:Funny
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Weiner Dog - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-08 02:25:00 ===============Weird CountingA guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" Read more:Funny
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Vampire Toothbrush - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-07 02:43:00 ==============Considering CopTwo men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that Read more:Funny
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Wedding Day - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-07 02:40:00 =================Sleeping PillAn exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.""I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.""Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!""I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!""That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill"! Read more:Funny
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Water Pistols Maniac - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-07 02:37:00 ==============Elderly ProposalThere were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more cou Read more:Funny
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Ugly Washing Machine - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-07 02:35:00 ================The EnvelopesThe new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second Read more:Funny
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Was Not a Chicken - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-07 02:19:00 =================Kayak AccidentThe day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper."Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.""Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow. Read more:Funny
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Typical Summer Activities - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:59:00 ===================Embarrassing MomentA very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" Read more:Funny
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Umbrella Formula - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:55:00 ========================I'm Only Sleeping10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."3. "The coffee machine is broken..."2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen." Read more:Funny
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Used Pants - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:52:00 =====================Heavy DrinkerA guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I''ve got.”The bartender says, “What''ve you got?”The guy says, “75 cents.” Read more:Funny
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UFO Bra - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:49:00 =================Praying And SleepingTwo men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results Read more:Funny
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Trike Snow - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:47:00 ===============Spitting In The DrinkA guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afriad someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!". Read more:Funny
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Tree Huggers - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:33:00 ====================Everybody Drinks!A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!". Read more:Funny
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Tricycle Bike - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:31:00 ====================Craving For ChiliA man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?""Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten."Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked."No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too." Read more:Funny
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Tractor Mailbox - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:29:00 ================Improving Sex LifeA doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy intheir sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt hecould not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave themthorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, thenconcluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. Onyour way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy somegrapes and some doughnuts.""Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes acrossthe floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard andretrieve the grape using only your tongue.""Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across theroom, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consumethe doughnut."The couple went home and their sex life became more and morewonderful. Read more:Funny
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Toilet Tree - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-05 02:27:00 ===============3 Shots Of WhiskeyAn Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: "You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you".The guy replies "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us".This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers."Is everythink OK"? he asks."What do you mean", answers the guy."Well, for months you have been asking for three shots. now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?", the bartender Read more:Funny
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Three Points - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-04 03:02:00 ====================Without GlassesSoon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.""Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!" Read more:Funny
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Thread Sleep - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-04 02:59:00 ====================New Partnera businessman called his lazy son into his office and announces some great news: "From now on, son, i'd like you to become a full-time partner in the company. now, which part of the company would you like to be in charge of?"."well", said the son, "I hate the shipping room, I get a panic attack whenever I am inside the bookkeeping department, I can't get along with the people at sales"...His father stopped him and said: "Well then, what WOULD you like the most, as a full-time partner"?The son replied: "I guess the most of all, I'd like you to buy me out". Read more:Funny
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Thief Trap - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-04 02:57:00 ====================Memory TestThree old men are at the doctor for a memory test.The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?""274" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?""Tuesday" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?"Nine" says the third man."That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday." Read more:Funny
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Teddy Cuddle - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-04 02:52:00 =================A Flaming StoryA North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire.After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally.The man sued.The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested ..... for arson. Read more:Funny
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Blaster Sound - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-10 03:05:00 ===================Magic CavesTwo Indians and a Cajun were walking in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. He hollered into the cave, "Wooooo! Wooooo!Woooooo!" and then listened until he heard the answer......."Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He then proceeded to tear his clothes off and run into the cave.The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the Indian crazy or something? "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", and get an answer back it means that she is in there waiting to mate with you."Just about then, this Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Woooo! Wooooo!" When he heard the return "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", off came his clothes and into the cave he went.Well, the Cajun started thinking about all of this and decided to find a cave for himself so o Read more:Blaster
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Son Go Ku - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-10 03:01:00 ==================Stolen CarA drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car."They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake." Read more:Funny
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Worst Job In The World 5 - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-10 02:59:00 ======================Driving TestThe following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?A: Be too drunk to find your keys.Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.Q: What is the difference bet Read more:Funny
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Worst Job In The World 4 - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-10 02:57:00 ===============Second Opinion"I'm afraid," said the heart surgeon, "that you're going to need a bypass operation."The patient squirmed uneasily in the seat."I-I'd like a second opinion, if you don't mind.""Not at all," replied the surgeon. "You're also ugly as sin." Read more:Funny
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Worst Job In The World 3 - FREE Funny Pictures, Images, Videos, Jokes 2007-05-10 02:55:00 ==================English LessonsA missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."The missionary is pleased with the response.They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spe Read more:Funny
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