Owner: Funny Pics And Videos URL:http://videopics.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sun, 29 Apr 2007 06:16:46 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: This blog is an effort from me to collect some funny things related to life...
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Actual Medical Records 2007-06-15 05:21:00 A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.The skin was moist and dry.Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.She is numb from her toes down.The patie Read more:Records
Female Comebacks 2007-06-21 07:54:00 Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.Man: Is this seat empty?Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.Man: Your place or mine?Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.Man: So, what do you do for a living?Woman: I'm a female impersonator.Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?Woman: Do not enter.Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?Woman: Unfertilized.Man: Your body is like a temple.Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: But would you stay there?Man: Your place or mine?Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.Man: Fine with me, I don't care where you go after we're done in the car.manwomanfemalecomeback Read more:Female
Things Not to Say To A Police Officer 2007-06-19 02:28:00 I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!Are You Andy or Barney?I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?I pay your salary!Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"policeofficerhumour Read more:Police
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10 Reasons to Go to Work Naked 2007-06-24 04:38:00 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.6. You want to see if it's like the dream.7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.bossnakedofficework Read more:Reasons
Real Signs From Around the World 2007-06-26 07:20:00 Plumber:"We repair what your husband fixed."On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:"Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."Pizza shop slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak."At a tire shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout."Door of a plastic surgeons office:"Hello, can we pick your nose?"At a Laundry Shop:"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge,close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"At a Towing Company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."On an electricians truck:"Let us remove your shorts."In a Nonsmoking Area:"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On Maternity Room Door:"Push, Push, Push."At an Optometrists Office:"If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place."On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get Read more:World
Dating Terminology 2007-07-01 02:10:00 Dating: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.Friend: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a wo Read more:Dating
Announcements From Church Bulletins 2007-06-29 04:50:00 1. Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.2. Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.7. Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an eg Read more:Church
Computer Terms for Fun 2007-07-04 06:17:00 Log on - Make the wood stove hotta. Log off - Don't add no more wood. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood. Ram - The thing that split that firewood. Hard drive - Getting home in the winta. Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside. Screen - What to shut during black fly season. Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen. Byte - What the black flies do. Bit - What the black flies did. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season. Chip - Munchies for TV. Microchip - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery. Mouse - What makes the Read more:Computer
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New Words And Terms For 21st Century 2007-07-08 07:04:00 Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mort Read more:Words
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Redneck Computer Terms 2007-07-06 06:54:00 BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick. BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps. CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker. CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers. DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer. FAX - What you lie about to the IRS. HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers. MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live. NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. ONLINE - Where to s Read more:Terms
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One Liner Jokes 2007-07-12 08:12:00 How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Does killing time damage eternity? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop? Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light year Read more:Liner
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Divorce Humour 2007-07-11 04:08:00 Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.~~~~~Question: Why is divorce so expensive?Answer: Because it's worth it.~~~~~Marriage is a three-ring circus:Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.~~~~~There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:Before marriage and after marriage.~~~~~Why were hurricanes usually named after women?Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.~~~~~90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.~~~~~First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."~~~~~Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."~~~~~The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).~~~~~ Read more:Humour
The Perfect Man 2007-07-16 05:17:00 The perfect man is gentleNever cruel or meanHe has a beautiful smileAnd keeps his face so clean.The perfect man likes childrenAnd will raise them by your sideHe will be a good fatherAs well as a good husband to his bride.The perfect man loves cookingCleaning and vacuuming tooHe'll do anything in his powerTo convey his feelings of love for you.The perfect man is sweetWriting poetry from your nameHe's a best friend to your motherAnd kisses away your pain.He has never made you cryOr hurt you In any wayOh, screw this stupid poemThe perfect man is gay. Read more:Perfect
Why God Created Eve 2007-07-15 07:18:00 1. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.2. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.3. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.7. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
Ten Most Polite Ways For a Woman to Say Your Zipper Is Down 2007-07-14 01:32:00 10. The cucumber has left the salad.9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..6. Elvis is leaving the building.5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
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