Wife's Will To Live, A Little Annoying
2007-04-28 18:44:13
(Little Rock, AK) Retired dentist Gary Wilson loves his wife of thirty years, Linda. She helped him through dental school, gave him two beautiful daughters; and over their life together, she's been there for him. So when Linda was diagnosed with lung cancer, Gary was glad to for the opportunity to be there for her. But after 8 years of countless procedures, surgeries and treatments, Gary's view has changed. "She's my sweetheart and I admire her strong will. It's one of the things that attracted me to her, but now it's starting to get a little annoying," said Gary while folding laundry in his studio apartment "We used to have a big house, a big 401k and a big lake house; but thanks to 'you know who's' medical bills, they're all gone. All I have left is my Cadillac. Don't get me wrong. I still love Linda, but I also loved that lake house. I worked an extra job for ten years to pay for it."
Read more: Annoying
Teen Boy Makes Announcement: “I Will Only Date Girls With Small Hands”
2007-04-27 16:58:28
(Milwaukee, WI) 15 year-old Brandon Shires surprised his family during their traditional Sunday dinner, when after saying ‘grace’ he stood up and said, “I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I want you all to know what I have decided. When I enter the dating scene this summer, I will only date girls with small hands.” Then according to family members, Brandon sat down and dug into his mother’s meatloaf.His family was a caught off guard even a little sickened, but his father, Dwight Shires, understood Brandon's decision perfectly. “I did the same thing in college. In fact, I married Brandon’s mother partially because of her small hands.”What’s the big deal with small-handed girls?
Read more: Announcement
, Girls
, Small
, Hands
Virginia Tech Female Students Under Assault From Fawn Lebowitz
2007-04-26 17:12:48
(Blacksburg, VA) Almost two weeks after the worst mass shooting in modern American history, the students and faculty of Virginia
Tech are trying to pick themselves up and move forward, easier said than done for the female Hokies. University officials say that their young women are being preyed upon by a group of polite, well-groomed and handsome young men. Men, who are using what is called as ‘The Fawn Lebowitz Maneuver’, made famous in the college comedy ANIMAL HOUSE, to separate the girls from their clothes.
Read more: Female
, Assault
, Virginia Tech
Dramatic Farewell Ill-Planned
2007-04-25 07:01:15
(Cleveland, OH) Last Sunday afternoon Jessica Kimack was set to return home to Chicago from Cleveland after a long visit with her boyfriend Mike Smith. But in a fit of forced passion, she made the rash decision to leap from the discount Megabus $1 bus line and return to the arms of a very startled Mike. In the hopes of creating a magic moment between her and Mike, Jessica waited until the bus had been put into drive, and with her eyes locked magically with his, dramatically shouted to the bus driver to, “Stop the bus!”
Read more: Farewell
Vodka Stocks Free Fall After Boris Yeltsin's Death
2007-04-24 21:12:53
(Moscow, Russia) Vodka stocks in Russia and around the world spiraled into the gutter a day after former Russian President Boris
Yeltsin died. "I don't know what we're going to do," cried Dimitri Shaparov, President of Smirnoff Vodka "He was our best customer and master taste tester.""There goes 25% of our business," said Lars Smith, President of V&S Group, makers of Absolut "We might as well call it quits and go back into porn."Besides the vodka companies, other Russian citizens past and present are upset at the loss of their first elected president. "He showed the world what one shitfaced Russian could accomplish," said former deputy Alexander Korzakov "And I'll bet you anything that right now, he's drinking God under the table.""Well that's great for Boris, but there goes my new feakin' act," said Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff "I just finally updated all my material from Soviet er
Read more: Stocks
During Séance Bush Asks Saddam, “How Can I Control Your Damn People?”
2007-04-30 16:48:36
(Washington D.C.) Over the weekend, according to an anonymous source, President Bush talked face to face to former Iraqi dictator Saddam
Hussein for the very first time. After flying in psychic John Edward under cover of darkness, the President, Vice President Cheney, Defense Secretary Gates and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice sat down for a good old fashion séance.
Read more: Control
Pesos For Pizza? How About Confederate Dollars For BBQ?
2007-04-29 17:33:04
(Memphis, TN) There's a place in rural Tennessee where the BBQ
is spicy and the atmosphere is from another era. Walk into Gobbles, ask for Dale's special and you'll be treated to ribs so big that Fred Flintstone's jaw would drop. And if you're feeling brave, ask for the extra hot Minnie Pearl sauce, but just don't ask to pay with American Express, Discover, Visa or American Greenbacks, Gobbles only accepts Confederate
dollars.
Read more: Pesos
, Pizza
Hispanic Group Offers To Repopulate Iraq
2007-05-03 16:07:36
(Los Angeles, CA) In the wake of the tens if not hundreds of thousands of Iraq
is who have died since 2003, the population of the once robust nation has begun to shrink. But one western group is hoping to change that.The men behind the Hispanic
-Iraqi Reproductive People's Initiative or HIRPI have offered to help repopulate the cradle of civilization. "We're ready and willing to rebuild Iraq and their families," said Cesar Martinez, founder of HIRPI and father of 10 "And we know we're the team to get it done. Because if you haven't noticed, we're really good at making babies."
Read more: Offers
, Group
F*ck Anthony Quinn!
2007-05-02 15:45:54
Frankie Strong (Peoria, IL) You love kids? I love kids. I want to have lots and lots of kids. Some people grew up wanting to a popstar or President. Not me. I just wanted to be a father, but I can't. I've got something wrong with my sperm. They're ineffective...not "strong" swimmers...pussies. And you know what I think about that? Fuck Anthony
Quinn
! Yea, you heard me, fuck him! Listen zipper-head, before you say he's dead, I know that. But while he was alive that goofy bastard sired 13 kids from his loins. 13 fucking kids! And how many kids am I going to sire? Zero!
Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) “The Islam Thing Has Been Great, But I Was Expecting More Chicks”
2007-05-01 16:46:01
(New York, NY) Yusuf
Islam
, formerly known as the pop singer Cat Stevens
, was in New York last week continuing to promote his new album An Other Cup, his first pop album since 1978. During an impromptu concert/press conference, Islam answered a few questions about his life for the 100, mostly menopausal, female fans.
Read more: Thing
, Great
, Expecting
, Chicks
, Yusuf Islam
Man Unveils 12-Step Program To Cure 12-Step Program Addiction
2007-05-04 16:04:47
(Kansas City, MO) America we're addicted. Not just to oil, but to be being addicted. As of today there are 12-step programs for alcohol, drugs, sex, spending, working, paganism, families, on-line games, being white and almost anything you can name."It's too much," said 12-stepper Larry Reeves "Our tendency to make mountains out of molehills has created a 12-step industry that feeds off our so-called addictions. So to stop this madness, I've created a 12-step program to cure our addiction to 12-step programs."
Read more: Program
Teen: "I Shot JFK, RFK And Jimmy Hoffa"
2007-05-08 17:13:56
(Indianapolis, IN) A local 16 year-old, Jared Klein, has been bragging that it was he and he alone, who shot JFK, RFK and Jimmy Hoffa. "I had no choice with Jack and Bobby. They took Marilyn from me. I couldn't let that go," said Jared, surrounded by Washington High School's cheerleading squad "and Hoffa, well, he just owed me money."What do people think about Jared's claims?
Hillary Drops The H-Bomb On Obama
2007-05-07 16:42:33
(Des Moines, IA) Senator Hillary
Clinton and her campaign team are facing allegations that they have begun to use smear tactics against Clinton’s close rival, Senator Barack Obama
. The Obama camps claims that starting this past weekend Senator Clinton started to refer to Obama exclusively by his middle name, Hussein.
Read more: Drops
Star Trek Love Poem Boldy Goes Nowhere
2007-05-09 17:28:23
(San Francisco, CA) For Joshua Jennings, a 23 year-old software designer at Microsoft, there were only three things that made life worth living: Microsoft, Star Trek
and Mindy Richter, the slender blonde receptionist at Microsoft.Joshua spent months admiring Mindy from afar, racking his brain to find an opening line worthy of her beauty, until one day in March he found it. “I’ll write her a love poem,” said Joshua “A Star Trek love poem.”
Read more: Nowhere
U.S. Post Office To Issue 'Forever Stamps' Featuring The Führer
2007-04-01 20:43:20
(Washington D.C.) The United States Post Office issued a statement Monday saying that the price of first class stamps was going to go up from 39 cents to 41 cents. But in addition to the price hike, the Post Office stated that they were going to issue 'Forever
Stamps
', which would be usable despite of any future rate hikes or basically forever. The first stamp to be issued as a 'Forever Stamp' will be of former German Chancellor Adolf Hitler."This is disgusting," said World War II veteran John Carl "Who do they (Post Office) think will buy those damn stamps? I'm sure as hell not going to.""This stamp makes my skin crawl," said Nazi war camp survivor Ruth G. "It's the most vile thing I have ever seen. I will not be buying the 'Forever Stamp' no matter how much money I can save."
Another Celebrity Has Another Baby
2007-05-22 11:46:38
"It's like a miracle. An absolute miracle!" Marcia Cross of ABC's Desperate Housewives gushed exclusively to The Lost News, People Magazine, Star and The National Enquirer about the birth of her twins. "No one else in the world has ever had a baby!"The twin girls were born two minutes apart, in a trying half hour C-section labor, which Marcia described as "grueling" for her doctor.
Read more: Celebrity
In Another S.T.U.P.I.D. Move President Bush Makes Alberto Gonzales Head Of Al-Qaeda
2007-05-21 12:27:05
(Washington D.C.) Over the weekend, President
George W. Bush unveiled a new plan to deal with the enemies of the United States. The plan, called the Strategy To Undermine People Irritating to Dubya or S.T.U.P.I.D., was immediately put into action, when the President removed Osama Bin Laden as the head of Al-Qaeda
and replaced him with Attorney General Alberto
Gonzales
.For those confused with the new directive, President Bush offered this to clear the air.“Look I finally realized that we, my administration, are completely incompetent. We don’t know what the hell we’re doing. And not knowing a damn thing starts at the top, with me,” said President Bush
Read more: Alberto Gonzales
Despite Conventional Wisdom, Daredevil Has Itty Bitty Raisin Balls
2007-05-24 09:39:09
(Fresno, CA) NO ONE OUT DARES HANK McAFEE, NO ONE! That’s how the business card for the world class daredevil reads. And his resume, including such stunts as jumping a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon with one hand tied behind his back, wrestling a Great White shark while blindfolded and banging Paris Hilton without a condom, speaks to that. But what the business card and resume don’t speak to, is that despite all the myths and conventional wisdom attributed to a daredevil, Hank McAfee has little itty bitty raisin balls.
Read more: Conventional
, Wisdom
, Bitty
, Raisin
, Balls
Man Claims He Invented The Word UNDERAGE
2007-05-23 10:22:16
(Yakima, WA) Local Stop-N-Go manager, Lou Jeffries, 56, has filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against the regional news station KSTW-TV claiming that they used the word UNDERAGE
without his consent. The lawsuit was filed for damages in the amount of one million dollars. The first of many hearings is set to begin early next week.The offending incident occurred on October 30th 2006, when KSTW-TV anchorman Ridge Fallbrook reported on a story about the rise of UNDERAGE drinking on Halloween.“Those sons-a-bitches don’t know who they’re dealing with,” said Jeffries, who is representing himself in the lawsuit.
Read more: Invented
Do It Again, I F*cking Dare You!
2007-05-31 18:53:25
The Man in the Moon The following is a New Times Times Op-Ed from April 7, 1902. (New York, NY) Congratulations. I'm impressed, really. And I'm not easily impressed. This is quite the accomplishment. You should really be proud of yourself. Go ahead, give yourselves a pat on the back. Have a cold one. You deserve it.
Read more: Again
Man Fired For 'Thinking' About Co-Worker In Bikini
2007-05-29 11:24:42
(St. Paul, MN) 32 year-old Martin Jenner is just like most American men. He likes football, beer and girls. But it's that attraction to the fairer sex that has turned Jenner's world upside down.Two weeks ago Friday, Jenner was planning his weekend around the Vikings game when a pink slip, saying that he was being fired from his customer service job at the Phillips Paint Company, was dropped into his IN box. "Fired
for what, I asked," said Jenner. The answer was sexual harassment. It seems that Jenner, during a company wide meeting on Thursday afternoon, had thought about what a female co-worker, named Amy Smith, would look like in a bikini.
Read more: Worker
, Bikini
Hillary Kicks Off 2012 Re-Election Campaign
2008-03-10 12:54:36
(New York, NY) Monday Senator Hillary
Clinton, fresh from her second place finish in the Wyoming Caucus and the claim from former Obama campaign advisor Samantha Power that she (Clinton) would stoop to anything to win the 2008 Democratic nomination for president, officially kicked off her 2012 re-election campaign for president.
Read more: Kicks
, Election
, Campaign
The Gentleman's Guide To Fingerbanging - March 2008
2008-03-07 09:30:30
Hello folks. I apologize for being away, but I've been working on a book about my two favorite pastimes, fingerbanging and bird-watching. Today I thought that I would answer a few of your questions. Niles,My friends and I were arguing about this yesterday. Is it okay to fingerbang a woman while she's sleeping? Joe G., New Jersey
Read more: Gentleman
, Guide
, March
George W. Bush Presidential Library Receives First Document: The Pet Goat
2008-03-03 09:35:09
(Dallas, TX) The George
W. Bush Presidential
Library
will be located on the campus of Southern Methodist University in the president friendly city of Dallas, Texas. Although it will be 2009 before any ground is broken, the library has already received its first document donation. “We got a sticky copy of The Pet Goat,”
Read more: First
U.S. Recession A 'Sure Thing' As D.C. Hookers Switch To Euros
2008-02-08 14:14:32
(Washington D.C.) It seems the Dollar has been THE standard currency on the planet for, forever, but like the consequence free drunk driving of the 1970’s and the inspiring stage shows of Winger, everything good must come to an end. What does that mean to normal Americans? It means they are going to have to change the way they pay for a good Boston Pancake, because as of this weak hookers in Washington D. C. are only accepting Euros.
Read more: Thing
Ann Coulter Endorses Ralph Nader For President
2008-02-01 15:25:23
(Washington D.C.) Thursday night during a speech at Georgetown University, conservative queen Ann Coulter
took a break from calling John Edwards a fag to endorse consumer advocate Ralph
Nader for president of the United States. "I feel that Ralph is the best candidate to stop Hillary or Obama from giving health care to people who don't deserve it," said Coulter. "Also, by playing the part he was born to play, Ralph will ensure that the liberals can't use government funds to clone themselves."
Read more: President
, Ann Coulter
Economy On The Rebound As Fumunda Cheese Exports Rise
2008-03-12 10:18:24
(Washington D.C.) This morning President Bush once again did a little soft shoe for the press. This time he wasn’t waiting for anyone. He was just happy.“The economy is on the mend,” said the President. “I just got numbers that say the fumunda cheese market is exploding. And in case you didn’t know, this country, Texas in particular, is the world’s leading producer and exporter of fumunda cheese.”
Read more: Rebound
, Cheese
A Tough Day For A Deaf Racist
2008-03-18 12:38:00
(New York, NY) Dwight Hollister has had some bad days in his 52 years on this Earth. But there are two days that stick out as particularly bad. First was July 2nd, 1964, and second was July 4th, 1997. “July 2nd, 1964 was when that son-of-a-bitch (President) Johnson signed the goddam Civil Rights Act into law and ruined this country,” signed Dwight. “July 4th, 1997 was the day I last heard Lee Greenwood’s ode to patriotism Proud To Be An American.”
Read more: Tough
, Racist
For Man Named Logan, When Women Hit 30, He’s On The Run
2008-03-20 09:53:49
(Glendale, CA) Spring, it’s a time when life is born anew, a time when love is in full bloom. But this year for Logan
Harper it’s a time to end a love affair. For almost two hours, Logan has been searching for the right words to break-up with his girlfriend of two years, Sara. “I got it,” said Harper, while trolling MATCH.COM for a new lover. “Sara, you’re turning 30, so you gotta go….Logan’s done.”
Read more: Women
RED STATE - BLUE STATE: If We’re Going To Be In Iraq For 100 Years, How Many T.G.I. Friday’s Should We Build?
2008-03-24 09:31:06
RED STATE: It’s funny that you ask this question, because as a T.G.I. Friday
’s franchise owner, I have been thinking about this a lot. Everyone knows that nothing spells freedom like wholesome pub style food served in a family safe environment. And every time I see some Iraq
is on Brit Hume’s fantastic show, I notice that they are all skin and bones.
Read more: Going
, Years
, Build
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