Owner: ...by Jeff Tompkins URL:http://jefftompkins.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:34:59 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Humor/satire columns and frequent blog entries. Topics range from everyday observational humor to political and pop-culture satire. Site statistics:Click here
Nothing Says "Good Eatin'".... 2009-01-03 19:58:01 ...like the words "primate parts," as in: The accused "was charged with smuggling the meat three years ago after customs agents seized a shipment of primate parts as it passed through Kennedy Airport on the way to her home in Staten Island."The defense is making a First Amendment argument because the subject in question claims that it is perfectly normal for Liberian Christians to eat monkey meat, Read more:Nothing
Decline of Civilization Update 2009-01-02 09:41:26 A Denver man has decorated his home with 15,569 Budweiser cans and their cases. Without reading the story, you already know at least two things: 1) There is no woman living in that house, and 2) Someone has probably given this guy a silly nickname based on his quirky behavior.There are pictures and a video at the link so you can see what the house looks like with its Budweiser motif. Personally, I Read more:Civilization
, Decline
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Not A Good Way To Start Off 2009 2009-01-01 14:22:23 "Ladies and gentlemen, due to the ongoing recession and the fact that we did not receive a federal bailout, this is your 2009 Rose Bowl Parade. Happy new year, anyway, we guess." Read more:Start
A Brand New Head for Christmas 2008-12-29 16:20:23 OK, not the whole head. Just part of it. The outside part, former residence of what used to be my hair.For Christmas
I received a "professional hair-cutting kit," which is nice, except for the fact that I'm an amateur when it comes to cutting hair and the kit does not cut hair by itself.I hate getting my hair cut, so it had been a while since I had sat in the barber's chair and let a virtual stran Read more:Brand
, Brand New
Where Are They Now? 2008-12-28 12:21:39 Here's one band that will never appear on one of those "Where Are They Now?" type shows about washed-up entertainers. They called themselves "Sonseed." Wikipedia has some very interesting facts about them:1. Sonseed was a Christian pop band formed at the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Help in Brooklyn, New York in the late 1970s.When you see the video (posted below) you will understand that they
Christmas Crime Update 2008-12-26 11:15:58 Maybe the success of Marley and Me caused this dog to think he could get away with it. Turns out he was right.After sniffing a young girl near the cash registers, the dog wandered further into the store where his super sense of smell led him directly to Aisle 16--the pet food aisle.The dog picked out a rawhide bone worth $2.79 and headed for the exit when he was confronted by the store's manager, Read more:Christmas
, Update
Last Minute Gift Ideas 2008-12-23 20:11:28 It's the night of the 23rd. You don't know what to get that special someone, or perhaps that "someone" you are forced to buy a gift for. Either way, you're running out of time. Here are some ideas for last minute gifts.If the person constantly complains about tearing up while cutting onions, get them these onion goggles. Or just cut off all contact with them. Who wants to associate with someone wh Read more:Minute
Merry Christmas From The Family 2008-12-22 16:13:08 Dear Friends,It’s that time of year again! Time to send holiday greetings in the form of a letter updating you on all of the boring stuff that you don’t care about when it happens, but that we believe, for some reason, you will find important enough during the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to drop what you’re doing and catch up on people you haven’t thought about for roughly a ye Read more:Christmas
, Family
, Merry
, Merry Christmas
Wrapping Redux 2008-12-21 16:02:03 A reader writes: "You should write something about wrapping Christmas presents. I was wrapping this morning and it seems like a good idea for a topic."I wrote something about this last year when I wrapped presents—on Christmas Eve. That's the kind of planning ahead and long-term preparation I put into the event.Here's the column from December 24, 2007:So I'm wrapping presents. Well, I was wrappi Read more:Redux
, Wrapping
"Don't Know Much About History" 2008-12-21 09:48:54 From a NYT story on Caroline Kennedy's name recognition:“I’m like, ‘Is she a Kennedy Kennedy, or is this one of the cousins?’ ” Ms. Goden, an aspiring actress, asked while taking a cigarette break from her job at the Borders bookstore cafe on West 34th Street. “She’s the one with the brother who died in the plane?”Like, yah. Read more:History
What Luck! 2008-12-17 06:50:00 I don't mean to brag or make anyone jealous, but according to some very interesting emails I have recently received, well, let's just say I am a very lucky guy.First, I was informed by the Toyota company that I am among the winners of the "Toyota Car International Promotion Program." I know, I know...you are wishing they had selected you. Too bad, suckers.Here is the crucial portion of the email:Y
The Shot Shoe Heard 'Round The World 2008-12-15 15:50:41 Yes, I know every blog in the world is running this video today. I just can't stop myself from posting it.Say what you want about the clown-in-chief's thorough incompetence, his penchant for embarrassing the nation at every turn, his reverse-Midas touch, and everything else that has characterized the last eight disastrous years -- at least he's got some good reflexes. Read more:Heard
, Shoe
, World
The Devil is in the Details 2008-12-14 19:46:11 Carl Hiaasen has a great column today, in which he reveals a conversation from the "voluminous, still-to-be-indexed FBI wiretaps of Illinois Gov. Rod R. Blagojevich." Here's an excerpt:The governor: "Molly, get me Satan on the phone."[Individual believed to be the governor's secretary]: "Who?"RB: "You know -- Lucifer, Beelzebub, el diablo, whatever. His number's in the black Rolodex. Chop-chop."(S Read more:Devil
A 'Gathering Threat' 2008-12-13 11:16:24 When I first read this story in the summer of 2007, I, like most sane Westerners, thought this was just further proof of the wide gulf that exists between Middle Eastern theocracies and, well, reason. How could anyone take seriously the Iranians' claim that they had detained spy squirrels? They're just crazy, accusing animals of spying! That would never happen anywhere else.However, I was disheart Read more:Gathering
The Week in Crime 2008-12-12 16:24:07 Everyone has engaged in "rolling" a house, or "t-p'ing" as some call it. While I'm sure we all considered the possibility of getting caught, I am sure no one ever dreamed they would face this kind of creative resistance from the homeowner:According to police, Wagar was on his property Sept. 16 when he used night vision goggles to see 15-20 people running toward his place. He told police that he to
News You Need to Know 2008-12-08 14:20:41 On the economic front, things have gotten so bad now that people are posting their resumes in the backseats of taxi cabs, but prospective employers might not notice because they are too excited about taking the taxi to a fashion boutique that gives away free soup to lure in the customers. Meanwhile, elsewhere across the fruitless plains, cops are so desperate to keep their jobs, they are willing t
An Honorable Mention.... 2008-12-08 14:17:11 ...isn't such a bad thing, though it would have been weird nice to win this. Read more:Honorable
Pride in the System 2008-12-05 21:56:26 The OJ Simpson robbery case came to a conclusion today with the sentencing phase of the trial. It appears that he will spend a minimum of nine years in prison, at which point he will become eligible for parole.All Americans should be proud today. The outcome of this trial sums up the values of our justice system as set forth by the Founding Fathers: "You can commit a double-homicide and get away Read more:Pride
, System
Be Thankful 2008-11-27 22:48:31 If you are having trouble coming up with things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving Day, here are two suggestions:1. Be thankful that you are not the President of the United States during this time of financial trouble, war, and, above all else, turkey pardonings that end like this.2. Be thankful that the turkey you are about to eat comes de-feathered and cleaned up, so that you don't have to ope Read more:Thankful
Your Tax Dollars at Work 2008-11-20 13:02:54 Consider the following exchange:"The web was more or less three-dimensional and it looked like it was all over the inside of the spider hab," said NASA astronaut Sandra Magnus, the space station's science officer. "We took some pictures of it, so hopefully they will turn out.""So it was more of a tangled, disorganized-looking web rather than the standard, like 'Charlotte's Web,' kind of web?" aske
Time of Your Life 2008-11-18 19:16:03 "Nine years, one hundred and eighty shows, same twelve boxes of cereal, and millions and millions of dollars." - Jerry SeinfeldHere's a video from Seinfeld's "The Clip Show," which aired before the finale, and which I watched again tonight for what was probably the 20th time. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The video shows how hard it must be to pull off the comedy without losing it. So
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