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Random observations, week 7 edition, part 3
2006-10-22 23:29:00
Antwan Randle El just made the Colts punter look stupid as he faked him out and returned a punt for a touchdown. More evidence that punters are as irrelivant as my contribution to society.Oakland is leading Arizona 17-3 in the 3rd quarter so my Dolphins may officialy call themselves the worst team in football now.Rock Cartwright sounds like the name of someone that eats bricks and punches little kids in their skull.Peyton Manning is ripping through this Redskin secondary as if it's Kenny Chesney's underwear. Marvin Harrison just catches a Td pass and it's now a 33-14 lead for Indy.
Read more: Random , observations

Random observations, week 7 edition, part 2
2006-10-22 20:56:00
All is back to normal in Miami. Joey Harrington just threw his 3rd interception and this one got returned for a Td by Charles Woodson. Green Bay leads 13-10..Big Ben got hit by 3 Falcons defenders and he stayed on the ground pretty long after that. Ben appears to be ok but Charlie Batch is now in for the Steelers.The Packers have now opened a 20-10 lead and the Dolphins are the worst team in football not called the Raiders. There's no doubt in my mind that Miami will be picking 2nd overall in the next draft.Charlie Batch connects with Hines Ward for a 70 yard Td. It bothers me that Charlie Batch can throw 70 yard touchdown passes but that Joey Harrington can't even beat the Packers.Jacksonville loses to Houston and that ends my run in the survival football pool. To add a big amount of insult to my injury, I'm getting brutally fisted in my fantasy leagues again. I'll try to keep the bleeding internal.Matt Bryant just kicked a 62 yard field goal for Tampa to beat Philadelphia. Matt B
Read more: Random , observations

Random observations, week 7 edition
2006-10-22 18:55:00
I decided to start Najeh Davenport over Jerious Norwood today. I'm getting the Falcons-Steelers game right now on CBS so I'll get to see first hand what a bad decision that was..Benjamin Roethlisberger is zipping his passes in there and it looks like he's back to his old form. Too bad it takes me about 4 minutes to type his name.Yahoo must not be working right today. It says here that my Dolphins just took a 7-0 lead on the Packers after a Joey Harrington Td pass. Either Yahoo has a glitch or the Packers really suck..Chad Pennington just threw a 44-yard Td pass to Justin McCariens. I'm suddenly feeling extremely masculine for picking up Pennington yesterday and starting him on my fantasy team.Hines Ward catches a Td pass from Big Benjamin and promptly busts out the "Dirty Bird". I'm waiting for Jamal Anderson to appear out of nowhere and dropkick Hines Ward in his face.Kansas City is leading the Chargers 14-0 behind two Td passes from Damon Huard. I'll say it again, Damon Huard
Read more: Random , observations

Where have those days gone?
2006-10-21 17:47:00
While sitting alone in my dark room last night and searching for random stuff on Youtube, I came across this gem. It's a bit grainy, but it's a nice hightlight reel with some of the best moments of the Orlando Magic during the '90's.After watching this video, nostalgia kept hitting me on my forehead with a big, solid, brick. Seeing the likes of Dennis Scott, Penny Hardaway, Shaq, Brian Shaw, Nick Anderson and Darrell Armstrong made me curl up, cry uncontrolably and wonder where the good ol' days went. Back in those days I walked around with a smile on my face, saved kittens and children from burning houses and made major scientific discoveries. In contrast, all I do now is get beat in Minesweeper by my dog.


Joe Buck takes the fun out of everything
2006-10-20 03:40:00
Endy Chavez just made one of the best catches you'll ever see by robbing the Cardinals' Scott Rolen of a 2-run homerun in the 6th inning. Joe Buck still managed to make it sound as fun as accidentaly walking in on your naked mother. Man that guy sucks...


Cardinals fire Offensive Coorinator
2006-10-18 16:25:00
Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green fired offenisve coordinator Keith Rowen on Tuesday and replaced him with quarterbacks coach Mike Kruczek. Someone had to take the fall for Monday Night's debacle against the Chicago Bears and for now, Rowen gets Green's foot placed comfortably in his rectum.Unless you live in the Middle Ages and you spend your days being unbathed and riding around on horses, you must've seen Arizona's epic choke job against the Bears.Chicago turned it over 6 times, scored zero offensive touchdowns and still managed to come back from a 20-0 halftime deficit.Eventhough I feel bad for most of the Cardinal players and fans, it couldn't give me more pleasure to see Matthew Leinart go through such a gut-raping loss. His first career start on Monday Night, against the best team in the league, with the entire football world watching....and Leinart got kicked in his stupid face. It just doesn't get much better than that.The only bad thing about that game was hearing t
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Random observations while Matt Leinart fails, 2nd half..
2006-10-17 04:25:00
Leinart leads the Cardinals into field goal range and it's up to Neil Rackers if the Cardinals are to win this. And he misses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Bears win the game 24-23 and crushing defeat swallows Matt Leinart. I haven't seen something like this in quite some time. Really, I have no words for the way this Cardinal team has just choked. Eat dirt Matthew...Are you kidding me? The Bears defense forced a Cardinals punt and Devin Hester just returned it for a touchdown. Chicago has a 24-23 lead and they haven't even scored an offensive touchdown yet. This is just crazy.I might've spoken too soon. Brian Ulracher forces an Edgerrin James fumble and Charles Tillman returns it for a touchdown. Chicago is still lurking.Any hope that the Bears still had just dissapeared like Matt Hasselbeck's hair. Darnell Dockett just intercepted Grossman and that should do it. Matt Leinart will get a win, on his first ever Monday Night game, against the no. 1 team in the Nfl. I love it when irony dr
Read more: Random , observations

Random observations while Matt Leinart fails
2006-10-17 02:30:00
Grossman just turned the ball over for the fourth time and the Cardinals just added 3 more points for a 20-0 lead going into halftime. Again, I'm surrounded by dispair and dissapointment....Rex Grossman just threw another interception and it looks like the Bears just don't want to be undefeated anymore. I could give a damn about the Bears but since it's Matt Leinart on the other sideline it makes me want to get raped by a cactus.After a Grossman interception, Leinart throws another TD, this one to Anquan Boldin. I want to press the reset button now.Scott Player is the weirdest looking man I've ever seen. Really, is there a less threatening looking player in the entire NFL? The Grammatica brothers strike more fear into me..Antrel Rolle drops a sure interception and continues a great weekend for the University of Miami.The Cardinals are somehow marching down the field and finish the drive off with a touchdown from Bryant Johnson. Leinart is pumping up the crowd and I've never wanted
Read more: Random , observations

FIU douchebag dismissed
2006-10-17 00:33:00
FIU is dismissing two players after Saturday's brawl with the Miami Hurricanes. Chris Smith and Marshall McDuffie are now kicked off the team, but they will remain on scholarship at FIU.Smith is the douche that started the brawl by wrestling Miami holder Matt Perrelli to the ground and then punching him while McDuffie followed by kicking Perrelli in the helmet when he was down. I mean, how lame is it to go after the holder? Really, was the waterboy too far away??And now you ca add Lamar Thomas also to the list of those that got punished. The former 'Canes receiver and Comcast analyst got fired today for comments that he made during the brawl. "Now, that's what I'm talking about," Thomas said as the brawl raged out of control. "You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB playing that stuff. You're across the ocean over there. You're across the city. You can't come over to our place talking noise like that. You'll get your butt beat. I
Read more: douchebag , dismissed

A fitting way to end the day
2006-10-16 02:38:00
As you know, I was going to live-blog today's game between the Dolphins and the Jets but for some horrible yet unkown reason I ended up getting the Pittsburgh - Kansas City game.So after the Steelers were done impaling the Chiefs, CBS switched over to my Dolphins who were promptly losing 20-3 in the 4th quarter with 9 minutes to go in the game.But Joey Harrington forgot that he's Joey Harrington and led two TD-drives and after a Jets punt, Miami drove into Jets territory and it was now up to Olindo Mare to send the game into overtime.But yeah, you know how this ends up. Mare kicked it like an arthritic penguin and the Jets held on for the 20-17 win. Miami is now 1-5 and steadily heading towards the 2nd pick in next year's draft unless the Raiders win a few games somehow.
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Why do I even root for these guys
2006-10-16 00:24:00
When I tell people that I'm a Miami Hurricanes fan, the first question usually is "Why?" and I follow by busting out in a spontanious dance and song, just because I have no real answer.Well, I'm starting to wonder now why I even like these guys. Last night the boys from the "U" stooped to a new low by getting into a big brawl in their game against FIU. As a result, 8 players got suspended including star safety Brandon Meriweather. He's the guy stomping violently on the FIU player that's laying there on the ground.Really, they might aswell bring Big Bird in to run the show. I'm pretty sure that he'll run a tighter ship than Larry Coker.Coker says that he's in control but judging by these incidents you can see that that's a bunch of crap.Fighting after the Peach Bowl loss against LSU.4 players suspended for the season opening game. One of those players was Ryan Moore, who will probably be charged this week for a fight that he had with a woman back in August.Player shot in the ass


Live Blog Miami Dolphins @ N.Y. Jets
2006-10-15 21:38:00
4:42 pm. Jay just asked me how I'm going to explain the fact that there will be no live-blog to my fans. Shouldn't be a problem because I have as many fans as death and taxes. Not even my mother is interested in what I write here.4:29 pm. For some reason I'm getting the Pittsburgh-Kansas City game, eventhough we have the New York CBS here. My mood hasn't been this bad in a long time. So much for live-blogging.4:25 pm. Cincy just attempted a 62 yard field goal for the win and failed like me with women. Tampa wins and Jay is crying.4:19 pm. Tampa just took the lead on Cincy with less than a minute to go. Jay is assaulting someone as we speak and I'm wondering why the Dolphins game isn't on yet.3:58 pm. Jay notes that Tiki Barber has 185 yards so far and reminds me that Tiki's on my bench. These are the times that I want to push him into a bear trap.3: 50 pm. I'm having the best fantasy week ever so far, and the 1 o'clock games aren't even over yet.Matt Hasselbeck, Jon Kitn
Read more: Miami , Miami Dolphins

One less awful announcer
2006-10-15 00:03:00
Fox baseball broadcaster Steve Lyons has been fired for making some insensitive comments towards fellow broadcaster Lou Piniella.In the second inning of Friday's game between Detroit and Oakland, Piniella talked about the success light-hitting A's infielder Marco Scutaro had in the first round of the playoffs. Piniella said that slugger Frank Thomas and Eric Chavez needed to contribute, comparing Scutaro's production to finding a "wallet on Friday" and hoping it happened again the next week.Later, Piniella said the A's needed Thomas to get "en fuego" -- hot in Spanish -- because he was currently "frio" -- or cold. After Brennaman praised Piniella for being bilingual, Lyons spoke up.Lyons said that Piniella was "hablaing Espanol" -- butchering the conjugation for the word "to speak" -- and added, "I still can't find my wallet.""I don't understand him, and I don't want to sit too close to him now," Lyons continued. Well, I've read the above statement about 28 times and I still do
Read more: awful

Miami Dolphins Live Blog tomorrow
2006-10-14 20:01:00
If my schedule permits, I'll be Live Blogging tomorrow 's game between my Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets. The fact that I'm going to live blog an almost certain loss just goes to show you how unstable I am.Previous live blogs have ended up in pathetic losses just like this and this, and tomorrow shouldn't be any different. Great times...
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That's something that would happen to me
2006-10-13 02:35:00
If I would ever attempt to play goalie for a soccer team, I'm pretty sure that this would also happen to me. It's England goalkeeper Paul Robinson messing up in the biggest possible way during a very important EURO 2008 qualifying game yesterday between England and Croatia.Note how the England manager began scribbling down inmediately in his little notebook after the Robinson blunder. He was probably writing down a sarcastic, profanity filled rant for his blog, or reminding himself to get Albert Haynesworth to come in and teach Robinson how to kick accurately.Either way, I can imagine that Robinson isn't very liked right now back in England, much like me at family reunions.
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The definition of Irony
2006-10-24 04:17:00
The Cowboys are in the redzone against the Giants and Drew Bledsoe for some reason just rushesd for a touchdown. The fact that I'm starting Julius Jones and Marion Barber makes that fact as painfull as dry humping a cactus.Really, Drew Bledsoe rushing for a touchdown is the equivalent of finding water on the sun.
Read more: Irony

Crazy back-up punter might get 48 years
2006-10-24 22:54:00
Mitchell Cozad, the former NCU punter that stabbed starting punter Rafael Mendoza in the leg wants permission to live outside of Colorado. Cozad's attorney has haid that his client is "frightened, apprehensive and concerned".Cozad has now been charged with attempted murder and could be sentenced 48 years behind bars if convicted. I find it somewhat odd that stabbing someone in the leg can count as attempted murder but I spent Law class being masculine and planning world domination so I wouldn't know..Well, the other possibility is that Cozad really did try to kill Mendoza but missed like a Kyle Boller throw and ended up stabbing him in the leg. If that's the case, I really hope he was more accurate than that when he was punting those balls.Whatever the case, Cozad can now look forward to possibly spending the next 48 years in jail, what amounts to roughly 35.000 brutal ass-poundings. (I'm calculating that he will get reamed twice a day).Mitchell is the guy on the left in the abov
Read more: Crazy

Random Observations, World Series edition
2006-10-25 02:35:00
I feel confident that my mom could beat So Taguchi AND David Eckstein in a fight all by herself. My mother is about 4 foot 7, has a bad back and chronic foot pain.Sean Casey has that dorky white-guy run down to perfection. Really, that is textbook form.That Holiday Inn commercial where the guy is touching Joe Buck's throat makes me wish that I was never born. A guy getting a massive erection while feeling Joe Buck's adam's apple is the new low-point of my life.Ronnie Belliard looks like he just finished filming a clip with Nelly.
Read more: Random , World , World Series

Ed Reed will make you curl up and cry
2006-10-25 01:36:00
In keeping with the theme that "this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want", I'm going to post another video featuring hard-hitting, testosterone sweating Miami Hurricanes players. I've already put one with Sean Taylor, and now it's time for Ed Reed and Ray Lewis.Now, I've never been the biggest Ray Lewis fan but Ed Reed is awesome . Ed Reed can stop global warming, that's how awesome he is. And the music in the clip is just about the coolest thing I've ever heard. You gotta love the sound of impending doom...Jay had to remind me that the interception that Reed returns at the 2:33 mark against the the Browns cost me money. I had money on the under and that score made the game go over right at the very end, making me cry and lose all dignity and respect in front of my co-workers.But that's what Ed Reed will do to you. He will make you cry and wet yourself. He will make you punch yourself in the face just so pass out and avoid the embarrasment that happens when he hits


Damon Huard shifs the entire playing field
2006-10-29 18:02:00
The gunslinging machine of destruction known to us petty mortals as Damon Huard might not play Sunday against the Seattle Seahawks. The mighty Huard has a strained groin and is listed as questionable on the depth chart.Huard probably hurt his groin by engaging in massive amounts of sexual activities that ordinary folk like you and me only can dream of. Either way, if Huard can't go, he'll be replaced by Alabama rookie Brodie Croyle.So, the Matt Hasselbeck vs. Damon Huard match-up will now turn into Seneca Wallace vs. Brodie Croyle, which will be as pleasant as talking politics with Joe Buck.Either way, I picked up Eddie Kennison this week for my fantasy team, expecting a big game from him as he would be catching those ridiculous bombs thrown by Huard's cannon right arm. But with Huard probably out, I might as well lube myself up for the inevitable fantasy fisting that is awaiting me...UPDATE : Damon Huard has in fact started the game for Kansas City because no stinking groin injury
Read more: entire

Cardinals World Champs, Joe Buck still sucks
2006-10-28 05:34:00
The Cardinals beat the Tigers in game 5 to clinch their 10th World Series title and like expected, Joe Buck made it sound as if he was filling out his tax forms. A comatose monkey would have had a better call of the last out. If I ever come across that guy, I will stick a fork in his kidney region..Atleast now that it's over, we don't have to put up anymore with Fox's brutal production of this World Series. It was insulting. That animated ball telling us that a change-up is a slow fastball, that is just insulting. Tim McCarver opening his mouth and trying to construct something that resembles a sentence...blatantly insulting.And as I'm typing, McCarver reminds us that if you play well, you win. That's it...I'm done.My stomach ulcer can't handle this shit anymore...
Read more: Champs , sucks

Orlando Magic '06-'07 season preview
2006-10-26 01:49:00
With the NBA season kicking off tonight, I'd thought it'd be nice to write up a little preview for my Orlando Magic . Since I'm one of the few Magic fans in existence, this should be of no interest to any of the 3 people that visit this wasteland. But ok, here we go...The Magic started to hit their stride last season after getting rid of Stevie Franchise and ended up winning 16 out of their last 22 games and finishing the year at 36-46.The leader of the pack is Dwight Howard, who by next year should be one of the top 10 players in the entire league. Howard is supported by a young and talented cast that includes Jameer Nelson, Hedo Turkoglu, J.J. Redick, Darko Milicic, Carlos Arroyo and Trevor Ariza. And if Grant Hill can somehow manage to actually play a couple of games without falling apart, the depth on the team should be pretty good.The Magic have a couple of things going for them. They bring back most of their roster and since they're a young team, they can only grow and get bet


How to mismanage your fantasy team
2006-10-30 03:29:00
I still can't tie my own shoelaces or read above fourth grade level, but I am quite the professional when it comes to destroying my fantasy teams. Check some of these Isiah Thomasesque moves that I pulled off that ensured destruction and self-defecation.Start Tiki Barber without having Brandon Jacobs to go along with him. Stab self in chest as Jacobs gets another touchdown while Tiki gets nothing again. Start Drew Bennett even though you know that Stephen Hawking will throw more in his direction than Vince Young will. Bennett rewards you with a sparkling 23 yard receiving performance.Watch in horror as Matt Hasselbeck goes down with an injury. Look past your extreme hatred for the New York Jets and pick up Chad Pennington because he's playing Cleveland. Hate Chad Pennington more than ever before after he throws for 108 yards and 2 interceptions and 0 Td's.Trade Tampa's Defense for Marion Barber and New Orleans' defense. Promptly watch New Orleans give up 35 points to the Ravens.Re


Just because I have nothing better to write about..
2006-11-02 13:48:00
I came across this horribly awkward picture a few days ago and I thought I'd post it now since I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time. It's two St. Louis Cardinals players engaging in some sort of act that would make Liberace himself blush..A couple of things are apparent right here. First, that one guy is hung like a whale, and second, that other fellow is sure not hiding his desire for wanting to get all up in there. Really, he's doing his absolute best to get his point across.I'm trying to imagine what he could be saying to him in such a sensitive moment though. Here's a couple of possibilites.."Is that David Eckstein in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?""How's that groin muscle feeling today?""Previously...on Prison Break...""Good news. I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching to Geico."" Come on, look at me. You never look at me in my face anymore.""You're with me, Leather.""Hey man, thanks for borrowing me that new Tori Amos album


This has the makings of a very bad weekend
2006-11-03 20:16:00
My weekends are usually very pathetic and lonely, but this one shapes up to be a historic one in terms of sheer agony and embarrasment.The Hurricanes are playing Virginia Tech and the Dolphins are going into Chicago to play the Bears. Now why is this so bad you ask?Well, I've been trash talking with Jay for months now, telling him that my 'Canes would beat V.Tech even though I know that Miami will get their teeth kicked in. Miami has no offense, can't seem to make the big play when it's needed and seem to have lost the ability to win the big game. Really, we had to hold on for dear life against Houston and Duke. That's like struggling in a fight against Frankie Muniz.And as for the Dolphins, they are probably the worst team in the NFL right now and they'll be going into Chicago to face the NFL's best team.The Bears have raped all of their inferior opponents and I expect that trend to continue on Sunday. This is like putting a little, blind, paralized hamster in a cage versus a


Random Observations, week 9 edition
2006-11-05 19:14:00
The Ravens just forced a fumble on the opening kick-off and turned it into a quick touchdown against the Bengals. Jay won't be very happy about this. I'm pretty sure he will beat up a small, innocent child now.And just like that the Ravens have another touchdown. Ed Reed busts Chad Johnson in the face, Samari Rolle picks it off, laterals it back to Reed who runs it in for another touchdown. This would be where I'd press the "reset" button in Madden.Tiki Barber just got his first rushing touchdown this season. I feel pretty brilliant right now for starting him on my fantasy team.Drew Brees already has two touchdown passes in the first quarter against the Bucs. There used to be a time when Tampa was known for something called defense.Kevin Jones just found the endzone against the Falcons and Detroit is leading 10-0. Jones, much like Tiki Barber is usually on my bench but I also started him today. Excuse me while I sweat pure awesomeness.
Read more: Random

Random Observations, week 9 edtion, part 2
2006-11-05 20:34:00
Damon Huard has the Chiefs leading 24-7 in St. Louis. If you doubt Damon Huard, he will come to your house, sleep with your wife and drink your beer. He might sleep with your mother as well, just for shits and giggles.Tampa is making a game of it against the Saints. Bruce Gradkowski connects with Joey Galloway for their 2nd touchdown and it's suddenly a 17-14 Saints lead. Damon Huard would still bludgeon Bruce Gradkowski in a fistfight.Baltimore is dominating Cincy with relative ease. The Bengals will not be making the play-offs if they keep playing like this. If I don't post anymore after this, it's because Jay has knocked me out with a swift roundhouse kick.Miami leads 21-10 after Joey Harrington connects with Wes Welker for a touchdown. Where has this been during the past 8 weeks?Jacksonville is resting it's balls comfortably on Tennessee's chin. It's 34-0 and the Titans "are who we thought they were".Rudi Johnson just powered through Ray Lewis for a touchdown and it's sudden
Read more: Random

Random Observations, week 9 edition, part 3
2006-11-06 13:08:00
If I see that John Mellencamp/Chevy commercial one more time, I might actually get some sort of stroke. That song is affecting my health...Javon Walker used Ike Taylor like Anna Benson today. There's a good chance that Walker got Taylor pregnant after all that violent humping.I'm still trying to get over the fact that the Dolphins won today. Rex Grossman should probably find some middle ground for his performances. He looks like Dan Marino out there when he's good and looks like a blind Tommy Maddox when he's bad. The Bears suddenly don't look so invincible anymore.The Steelers lose and now fall to 2-6. If at the beginning of the season you'd tell me that Miami and Pittsburgh would both be 2-6 after week 9, I wouldn't have believed you.Adam Vinatieri misses his first field goal of the season in his return to New England. Even Stevie Wonder sees the irony in that one.NBC just showed footage of Peyton Manning when he was 11 years old. I thought the John Mellencamp commercial was t
Read more: Random

Bad season turns tragic
2006-11-08 19:27:00
The Miami Hurricanes are in the middle of a horrible season and now things have gotten so much worse. Defensive Lineman Bryan Pata was shot and killed last night at his apartment complex, just a couple of hours after the 'Canes finished practicing.Pata was a 22-year old senior, one of the defensive leaders for the Hurricanes, who was looking to get drafted next April in the NFL draft. He was well-liked on campus and wasn't known for having problems with anyone. More so, Pata was a Christian that stayed away from the streets and from partying.The Hurricanes season only seems to be getting worse with every passing day. There have been team violations, suspensions, shootings, an ugly brawl with FIU players, awful performances on the field...and now the death of a player.But his death puts all that other stuff in perspective. A quarterback throwing interceptions, a coach calling to be fired...all of that is nothing compared to a bright young man that loses his life at the age of 22.My th
Read more: turns , tragic

Mid-season NFL Awards
2006-11-09 13:56:00
I was planning to write an awesome post today, explaining the principles of "Chaos Theory Math" and how it relates to the current state of our global economy. But you guys aren't interested in simple shit like that. So, since that's the case...I'm just going to handout mid-season NFL awards.Most Valuable Player : Peyton ManningI like Peyton Manning about as much as I like to get beaten by angry gangsters, but he's the league MVP so far. The Colts are the only remaining unbeaten again and without Manning they'd probably have about 3 wins right about now. Drew Brees is making a case for the MVP but it's basically Manning's to lose. It is really amazing that someone that looks like he can't even count to ten can lead such a high powered offense.Least Valuable Player : Drew BledsoeDallas has the talent to not only be a play-off contender, but a serious Super Bowl contender. Sadly, that is not possible when Drew Bledsoe is the quarterback that is lining up under center. Drew has the
Read more: Awards

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