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Meh...
2006-11-15 20:23:00
For those of you who've been wondering why this wasteland hasn't been updated recently...well, I don't have much time these days and I don't really have things worth writing about.I don't think I'll be posting that much during the coming weeks or months. I dunno, maybe I will...if I get an unexpected mood change.Either way, I guess that's it for now. Hopefully things will turn around soon again...


I'm back (sadly...)
2006-11-22 23:53:00
I mentioned a week ago that I'd stop posting for a while due to a lack of time, but I'm gonna try to somehow get some posts in between all the clutter that manifests itself in my life .It was Jay that actually managed to convince me today to continue posting. It was a long and intense conversation and eventually I gave in after hours and hours of discussion.Jay : "You should start posting again man."Davey : "Patches O'Houlihan..."Jay : "What?"Davey : "Nevermind..."So yeah, I'll be back at it again...spreading infection and depression, much like the Raiders. Wonderful.


Thanksgiving Live Blog..
2006-11-23 17:56:00
My Phins will be playing the early Thanksgiving game today against the Detroit Lions and I will be live-blogging that baby like there's no tomorrow. My mood will be very grim if we can't beat the Lions, but it's come to the point where nothing surprises me anymore.Really...Jon Kitna could stand naked at midfield and pick a fight with Dom Capers and I'd probably just shrug it off.


Miami Dolphins @ Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Live-Blog
2006-11-23 18:21:00
1stQ 6:23 - Jason Hanson kicks a 53 yard field-goal and it's now a 10-0 lead for the Lions .1stQ 9:26 - Miami 's defense seems to refuse to cover Roy Williams. Really, it would be nice if someone would decide to actually cover him. Even Mike Williams got his first catch of the season ...1stQ 10:00 - Ronnie Brown got 3 yards on his first carry and has already exceeded his total of the previous week against Minnesota. Yes sir, I'm on top of my game today...1stQ 11:11 - Detroit marched down the field and scored as if they are playing a Pac-10 team. Dan Campbell catches the Td pass from Kitna and Jay hates him even more now. Detroit leads 7-0.1stQ 14:20 - Jon Kitna hooks up with Roy Williams for a 41 yard gain. Where was this last week against Arizona?12:28 pm - I wonder how the crowd will react today with Joey Harrington returning to Detroit. As I'm typing this sentence, it hits me again that Miami passed up Drew Brees and my mood is already heading into a steady downward spiral.12:23 p
Read more: Thanksgiving , Dolphins , Miami Dolphins , Detroit Lions

Miami Dolphins @ Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Live Blog (2nd half)
2006-11-23 20:29:00
3rdQ 1:20 - Miami 's defense forces another punt and they are firmly in control at the moment. Mike Furrey is furrey-ious on the sideline and that was officially the worst pun you will ever hear.3rdQ 2:15 - I'm wondering what's bigger, Keith Traylor or Comerica Park. I'm giving the edge to Comerica Park but just slightly.3rdQ 4:17 - Touchdown Miami. Harrington finds Marty Booker for his 2nd touchdown of the game and I'm really regretting the fact that I sat Booker this week. I'm still getting over the fact that I sat Lee Evans last week and now this. Braylon Edwards and Mark Clayton better set some records on Sunday or else I'm really going to be pissed.3rdQ 8:28 - Ronnie Brown has left the game with a hand injury and Joey Harrington can just throw the ball now until his arm falls off. Right as I type this, he hands it off to Sammie Morris just to illustrate how little I know.3rdQ 9:30 - Another sack on Jon Kitna. This time it's Vonnie Holliday and Zach Thomas bringing him down.
Read more: Thanksgiving , Dolphins , Detroit , Lions , Miami Dolphins , Detroit Lions

Miami finishes with win, Coker still fired
2006-11-24 19:28:00
The Miami Hurricanes ended their regular season with a big win over Boston College but it wasn't enough for coach Larry Coker to keep his job. Coker got fired the day after Miami snapped a four-game losing streak and became bowl-eligibleCoker's firing wasn't surprising but I'm still not sure how to react to it. One the one hand, you felt that a change needed to be made because there was just too much stuff going on. There was the Peach Bowl brawl with LSU, the brawl with FIU, the off-field incidents involving Ryan Moore, Brandon Meariweather and even the unfortunate death of Bryan Pata.But on the other hand, Coker was the guy that came in and won his first 24 games as Miami's coach, led them to a National Championship and should've won a second against Ohio State. Coker seems like a good guy and his players liked him and it was evident that played last night for him.I guess it just comes down to the fact that a 9-3 season is considered a dissapointment in Coral Gables and the p


A day in the life...
2006-11-25 22:45:00
Tomorrow is Sunday and since it's football season, it's basically my favorite day of the week. Now, you might wonder how I spend my Sunday's and if that's the case, there's something very wrong with you. Either way, I'll take the trouble to take you through an average day in my pathetic life.8:00 am - Abruptly wake up when the sunlight starts pounding me in the face.8:01 am - Curse at the sun. Contemplate moving to Alaska...or atleast Oregon.8:03 am - Violently masturbate.8:39 am - Make way to computer and check fantasy team status. Notice that I crushed Jay again in our fantasy basketball league.8:40 am - Send Jay profanity laced e-mail where I proclaim my greatness.9:25 am - Masturbate violently again while taking shower.9:30 am - Regret second dosage of violent masturbation when the pain starts kicking in.9:41 am - Get dressed. Look in mirror and realize why I have no friends...10:47 am - Attempt to make breakfast but fail yet again. Settle for some cookies and a warm glass o


Random Observations, week 12 edition
2006-11-27 16:10:00
I was too busy destroying my future yesterday to do my "Random Observations" during the games, but I guess I can do them now. Eric Mangini has bigger boobs than most of the women that I know. Really, that's just not a very good look.That was a crazy hit that Bart Scott put on Big Benjamin. That's the kind of hit that would make me say "Fuck this" and just quit playing football all together. Maybe next season someone on the Steelers offensive line could actually try to block or something. I dunno, just a suggestion...I don't think that anyone wants to play the Baltimore Ravens right now. They're defense is brutal, the offense is running the ball again and Steve McNair is making good decisions in the passing game.Tom Brady isn't supposed to be faking out Brian Urlacher like that. Brady has the mobility of my arthritic dog and he put a groin tearing move in the open field on one of the top 3 defensive players in the league. Ulracher didn't get any poon last night after that..Edgerri


Some changes
2006-11-27 23:02:00
If you have visited this wasteland during the past couple of weeks (which you probably haven't), you would have noticed that I've been changing the colors and the templates a lot. But in all my changes , something happened that made my text look ridiculously big while viewing in Internet Explorer. Even Stevie Wonder was saying "Shit son, that text be too big..".Jay said that if Shannon Sharpe had a font, it'd be big and obnoxious like the one you're seeing above. So, I've changed things around one more time to get that problem fixed and hopefully I won't be changing templates anymore.


I knew this was going to happen
2006-11-28 03:54:00
I had drafted Chad Johnson on one of my fantasy teams and I was hoping for big things this season. Somewhere around week 3, I got a trade request, Chad Johnson for Warrick Dunn and Eric Moulds.Now usually I wouldn't do this trade, but it got me thinking. I already had Kevin Jones and Steven Jackson so I didn't really need another running back, but Dunn was off to a crazy start. The Falcons were running that West Virginia option offense and Dunn was getting about 560 yards a game and much like a shiny new action figure, I just couldn't pass that up.The Texans were also off to a pretty good start offensively and everyone was saying that David Carr had arrived as a quarterback, and yeah, that meant good things for Eric Moulds. Add to that the fact that Carson Palmer was coming back off an injury and the Bengals weren't totally in sync yet, it was pretty easy to talk myself into doing the trade.Now, if you know me, you know that basically everything blows up in my face. I knew that Du


The Magic will stomp on your groin
2006-11-28 21:55:00
Take a guess at who has the best record in the Eastern Conference right now. Yes, my Orlando Magic son. Even though this has been probably my worst sports year ever, the Magic are busy putting a smile on my stupid face.Orlando beat the the Utah Jazz, the top team in the West last night, and are now 11-4 to start the season. Yes, not even Carlos Boozer and his bionic chest hair could stop the mighty machine that is known as Orlando Magic basketball.Dwight Howard is a scores and rebounds while he sleeps, and when he's not doing that, he's helping old lady's cross the street and solving murders. Look at him in that picture. He's bored right there. The game of basketball has become too easy for him. He's just completing a Sudoku puzzle in his mind, just to entertain himself.The Magic will run up and down and score on you at will. Jameer Nelson runs so hard that he makes Ben Wallace take of his headband. And don't forget about Grant Hill. Yes, Grant Hill is back and he's going to kic
Read more: groin

Time to remind you how kick-ass that Dolphins defense is
2006-12-01 19:51:00
In my last post I casually mentioned how the Orlando Magic will stomp on your groin and steal your lunch money because they're awesome and no one can stop them. Well, now it's time for me to tell you a little bit about the titanium bending, atom splitting machine of destruction known as the Miami Dolphins defense.You want to know how brutal Miami's defense is?Miami's defense is so brutal that it makes Chinese kids get seizures. Ru Paul was a man before he saw Miami's defense. As was Marylin Manson. But look at them now. They can't handle all the manly testosterone that flows from this defense.Miami's defense also hits very hard. Channing Crowder hit Larry Johnson so hard a few weeks ago that Priest Holmes re-injured himself while watching the game on tv. That's how hard this defense hits. They will hit you and they will then hit your mother and father for conceiving you.You want to know what Jason Taylor is doing right now? He just sacked Superman. Before that he tackled the Hu


Excuse me while I eat some crow
2006-12-04 02:55:00
If you recall, I wrote this little post a few days ago saying how awesome my Dolphins are and how they were going to punch the Jaguars in their jaw this week. Well, let's forget that I did that shall we..Jacksonville ended up winning 24-10 and my foot is lodged so far down my throat that it's tickling my liver. I didn't get the game on tv but I know that Harrington threw a couple of picks, Mare missed a field goal and that Jason Taylor left the game with an arm injury. Fantastic...It was obvious that this would happen though. Note the little conversation below.Mitch : "I'm surprised that you're writing positive things about the Dolphins. Usually you're choking on your own vomit and trying to burn the house down".Davey : "Well, they're on a 4 game win streak so I'm feeling awesome and I have to show them some love. But don't worry, I'll be spewing negativity again after they get tea-bagged by Jacksonville this Sunday".Mitch : "Great, look forward to reading it."Davey : "You'r
Read more: Excuse

A rough season comes to an end
2006-12-05 15:35:00
Last night marked the end of my brutal fantasy season in our Braves Journal League. I missed the play-offs by 2 games and instead of taking responsibility for my horrible management, I'm basically blaming everything on Peter King. Why do ask?Well, let's take a look back at how all of this came to stand.Phase 1 : The Horrible Fantasy DraftThings started off very bad that faithful August night. I had no plan, no draft rankings, no idea of what I was going to do and the result was an anal fleecing. In a deep league where you need to get the best value for your picks, I ended up with 2 kickers along with Bubba Franks, Mike Anderson and Travis Taylor. Even Matt Millen saw how messed up that was.Matt Millen : "Shit son, that draft was messed up"Davey : "Sigh..."Phase 2 : DenialThis is where I started to reason positively about my picks. I sat for hours and hours trying to look at the bright side and convincing myself that I actually did a good job."Well, Edgerrin James is going to prove
Read more: comes

That's just wrong...
2006-12-07 19:00:00
Most of the people that visit this wasteland come here via some sort of search engine and the wonderful part is that I can see which keywords they typed. Yes, much like unprotected sex with Mike Vick, the internet can be a very dangerous thing...Now, most of the searches are pretty normal stuff. "Eli Manning can't read", "Stupid Davey blog" or "Eric Mangini bra-size". But every so often you get confronted with very morbid searches that make you lose your appetite and question why you were even born. As was the case last week. Take a look at these gems that were chucked across some search engine and onto my lap."Rex Grossman masturbate", "Drew Brees masturbate" and "Peyton Manning pregnant".Now, I know there are plenty of people out there that are interested in Drew Brees' masturbational habbits but yours truly is not one of them. I want Brees to go out and throw manly touchdown passes so that my fantasy team can give the rectal assault instead of being on the receiving end of it.An


Devin Hester is fast, scary fast
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Last night, as is my custom on Monday's, I sat uncomfortably slouched in my chair and drank some juice straight out of the carton while watching some Monday Night Football. Yes, that should accurately portray my level of "coolness" for you.Either way, Jay and me were discussing Tony Kornheiser's pathetic comb-over, the current state of the economy in Lithuania and the horrible noises being made by Jim Belushi.Jay : "Damn, did you see Kornheiser's comb-over?"Davey : "Yeah. I don't know what's worse. His hair or his commentary..."Jay : "He still gets more poon than you though"Davey : "Martin Grammatica gets more poon than me. That stiff-arm that Steven Jackson just put on Charles Tillman is the most sex I've had in quite some time."Jay : "Why do I even talk to you..."But then Devin Hester decided to take the game over. Hester returned 2 kick-offs for touchdowns on the night as he single handedly saved Rex Grossman's job and secured a first round-bye for the Bears. And yeah, you kn
Read more: Devin Hester

More pictures from our collection
1970-01-01 00:59:59
A while ago I gave you all a peek into my life and also some of the crazy shit that Jay and me have pulled throughout the years. Well, what do you know. Time to damage your retina again with more wonderful pictures from our morbid collection .This is me last week after my visit to Supercuts. The pretty lady made it short on top and long in the back just like I asked her. Note how my snazzy red shirt brings out the color of my eyes.Here we see Jay sharing some of his fine Jamaican brand with his pet chipmunk Jeeves. Jay's a professional chipmunk wrangler, so he knows how to deal with these extremely dangerous creatures.Here we are at Halloween. I dressed up like a purdy ballerina. Jay on the other hand went with "Super Sperm". Jay received so much poon that night that he now walks with a severe gimp while muttering rare forms of jibberish.This is me updating my blog. When you're such a well defined physical specimen such as myself, clothes just become unnecessary. This is how Eric Man


Fun with Google
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Last night while watching the Broncos and Ravens take turns at not scoring against each other, Jay and me decided to have some fun with Google . This is how that conversation went down...Davey : I have an ideaJay : You're going to stab me in the eye?Davey : Not now..Jay : Oh, what then?Davey : Let's Google random shitJay : Will you stab me in the eye afterwards?Davey : Well, since you're insisting..So, while Googling last night we actually ended up finding some pictures of ourselves and I thought I'd share them with you...Here's me in my room, looking strapping as ever.This was Jay's first day of school. Looking very urban and impressing the ladies. This was me on my first school day. You can't imagine the massive amount of poon that I received that day. I am quite handsome in that shirt, I must admit.This is when Jay and me tried out for the football team. The movie Friday Night Lights was based on our kick-ass performance that day. Right here you can see me throw that frisbee a


Fun with Paint
1970-01-01 00:59:59
I'm not writing much about sports these days because my sportsworld basically consists of Water Buffalo diahrrea . The Braves are in hybernation, the Dolphins and 'Canes continue to fight for the title of worst team in Florida, and the Orlando Magic are just that, the Orlando Magic.So, since my life's empty and I have nothing to do, I decided to post some more pictures of myself. My 3 loyal readers will appreciate it very much I suppose...You know this picture. I'm sitting and casually enjoying my evening while having a smoke and thinking about Olympia Dukakis. Basically, how every man spends his evening.Now here's a pic of my Amish days. Black does bring out the color of my eyes.This shot was taken during my rebelious period. Note my cool ink and various facial piercings. The ladies love it when I'm "dangerous" like that..Ah, this one brings back great memories. I just finished a very angry masturbation session. A bloody, sweaty, obsessive, masturbation session that left me pret
Read more: Paint

Random Observations, week 15 edition
1970-01-01 00:59:59
It's been a busy weekend in sports so far. Most of the good bloggers are probably writing smart and informative posts regarding Tank Johnson's clubbing habbits, T.O. spitting in DeAngelo Hall's face and the Knicks/Nuggets brawl. But you know better than to expect quality writing over here. So yes, let me just get to the observations and get it over with...Huge weekend of fantasy football for me. I got a semi-final play-off match-up against the best team in our league. To give you an idea of our match-up, he's starting Steve Smith, Steven Jackson, Plaxico Burress and Rudi Johnson. I'm starting Snow White, Papa Smurf, one of the Paw-Paw Bears and the fat kid from Accepted. It's safe to say that I'm a slight underdog.Touchdown Jamal Lewis. Oh wait, Jamal Lewis' ass is planted very firmly on my bench. I have no reasonable explanation for why I benched him. This is why even my own mother avoids me...Dick Enberg was just talking about a new show called "Armed and Famous" that'll be
Read more: Random

Random Observations week 15 edition, part 2
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Cleo Lemon is now the new qb for Miami. I don't care if it's Cleo Lemon or Charlie Apples, I just need some catches for Marty Booker.Not even Drew Brees is putting up any good numbers for me. It really is a thing of beauty when every single player on your fantasy team decide to have their worst performances together on the week that you have your biggest game. Such teamwork and unity really is admirable.The Jaguars just had fourth and goal on the 1 yard line and instead of trying to power it in or some sort of play-action, they went with a fade route to Matt Jones. Pacman Jones broke it up easily and Jacksonville deserves to lose the game on that play alone.Washington went into New Orleans and held that offense to just 10 points in a 16-10 win. That's why you play the games. And that's why my fantasy team will get drilled in every hole today.My rectal punishment might not be as bad as I expect it to be. In a span of about 5 minutes, both Tiki Barber and Javon Walker scored touchdow
Read more: Random

Not even close
1970-01-01 00:59:59
There was an award handed out over the weekend for the "Best Sports Blog", and it's safe to say that yours truly was as much of a factor as the Detroit Lions are in the play-offs.The gentlemen over at "Kissing Suzy Kolber" edged out Deadspin and may now walk around naked and kick elderly people in their sternums. They probably already do that but now they have an actual excuse...Note in the nice graphic below how I got a negative amount of votes. Yes, people voted for me to stop writing all together.Now what makes a good sports blog you ask?I have no fucking clue as a matter of fact. If I did, I'd probably apply those principles and churn out a product that might actually be worthy of reading. Instead, I make my 3 readers bleed from their eye-sockets.Look at that cute little tyke right there. He's calling me just to let me know how much he dislikes me and all that stupid shit I write about. But luckily he just switched to Geico, saving himself atleast 15% on car insurance. That's w


Year in review...
1970-01-01 00:59:59
It's that time of year when everywhere you turn you get hit in the face with some sort of top-10 list. The year's best movies, best albums, best arrest by a Cincinnati Bengal and a bunch of other stuff that you probably don't give a damn about.Well, since I'm lame and unoriginal, I shall also make a list of notable stuff that has happened throughout this past year. It'll try to make it a lengthy post, filled with smart analysis and Oxford -style English...but it will probably end up with cheap giggles and jokes about male genitalia.That's how we roll...
Read more: review

Quite a night for Stephen Jackson
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Jay noted that I haven't posted anything here the last couple of days and that is mainly because I've been reliving childhood memories and wondering where things have gone so horribly wrong.Well, I figured that I could take a break from ammounting to nothing and post something again for my 3 loyal readers.The story that caught my eye today is that of the four Indiana Pacer players that were involved in a shooting outside a stripclub early this morning. Stephen Jackson , Jamaal Tinsley, Marquis Daniels and Jimmy Hunter got into an argument with a group of men outside of the club and one of the men proceeded to punch Jackson in the face. The guy then got into his car and hit Jackson, which made Jackson take out his gun and start firing it into the air.After getting hit, Jackson was limping but refused medical attention. Tinsley and Daniels also had guns in their vehicles, while cops also found some weed in Tinsley's car but somehow no arrests were made.Stories like this amuse me in way


Looking good Jay..
1970-01-01 00:59:59
I was just telling Jay how extremely horrible the Virginia Tech jerseys are. It's as if Peter King took one of his massive airport dumps on my eyes. That's how I am right there, trying to wash the massive amount of crap out of my eyes after looking at the V-Tech jerseys..Jay countered that the 'Canes also have a bad uniform...but I don't agree. They don't wear those every week, so Jay's argument is stupid.Speaking of great shirts though...here's a pic of Jay during happier times. Such a strapping young lad.


A look back at the year that was...
1970-01-01 00:59:59
So, I promised I would make a post with a look back at the year that was, and yes, it's finally done. Most people could write a post like this within an hour or two, but since I'm slow and have the motor skills of a drunk penguin, it takes me about 4 days.Anyways, here are the winners and losers of 2006.Best BookI probably should be reading more than I am right now, but in between writing new episodes for Freddie and trying out for that Jamaican Bobsled team, I just don't have much time. I haven't actually read a single book completely this past calendar year and that should probably explain why my grammar and writing skills are so poor. I am currently reading some E-Books on some geeky, computer related stuff and I hope to atleast finish those. That's if Ricky Manning Jr doesn't decide to plant his foot in my skull first.Best movieOne of my favorite things to do besides picking fights with lemurs is watching a nice movie. I have a pretty fancy setup at my house and I usually end


Fiesta Bowl hangover
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Every so now and then, a game comes along that is so unbelievable or that has such an incredible finish that people start with the "best ever" type of talk. Last night's Boise State - Oklahoma game fits into that category and as usual, I missed it.I watched most of the game but at some point during the fourth quarter with Boise State leading 28-20, I decided that it was time for the usual nightly routine of violent masturbation which I then immediately followed with falling asleep like a toddler.So yeah, it should come as no surprise that the game ended up being one of the best ever, with a finish that wouldn't even seem believable in a cheesy Disney movie.Oklahoma got a touchdown and then somehow converted the 2 point conversion on the third attempt. Then the Sooners took a 35-28 lead with 1:02 remaining after returning an interception for a touchdown. Boise should have been done after that play, but they showed testicles that would've made Chuck Norris blush.The Broncos somehow go
Read more: Fiesta , Fiesta Bowl , hangover

Saban takes job at Alabama
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Nick Saban has decided to leave my Dolphins to coach the Alabama Crimson Tide. This comes just two weeks after he firmly denied the rumors that he was possibly headed to Alabama.It's funny how fast things change. Just 6 months ago, the Dolphins were a trendy Super Bowl pick. Nick Saban was going to lead the team to greatness, Daunte Culpepper would finally give the Dolphins the quarterback they've been wanting since Marino retired and things were looking peachy.But then things started to fall apart. First Ricky Williams gets suspended again. Manny Wright struggles with depression and leaves the team. Culpepper's recovery takes longer than expected and the offense goes absolutely nowhere. Chris Chambers forgets that he's supposed to be a # 1 receiver and offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey decides to call plays with his head stuck up his ass.All this leads to a pathetic 6-10 season and now Saban is gone. Even Jason Taylor has talked about a possible retirement. A part of me is sad b


That's how we play defense in South Florida
1970-01-01 00:59:59
There's been very little to be happy about around here lately, but luckily something came along that gives me an excuse to be a big, arrogant assbag and act very smug.Jason Taylor. Defensive Player of the year.As expected, JT capped his tremendous season by winning the award, edging out Champ Bailey and Shawne Merriman. Taylor finished the season with 62 tackles, 13 1/2 sacks, 14 quarterback hurries, two interceptions, 11 passes defensed, 10 fumbles forced, two fumbles recovered and two TD's. Yes, take a minute to crunch those numbers...There's Jason right there, making Tom Brady lose various types of bodily fluid. That's why Bridget Moynahan broke up with Brady. The last time they went out, Tom got sacked by Taylor while they were having dinner in a restaurant.And that's why Nick Saban left for Alabama. Jason sacked him while he was trying to celebrate new years with his family. Kind of hard to retain your respect after that...It's been a busy week for JT. Besides winning this
Read more: South , Florida , South Florida

Play-offs???
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Former Falcons coach Jim Mora became the first candidate to interview for the vacant Miami coaching job. I'm not the biggest Mora fan, but this gives me a flimsy excuse to post the greatest video of all-time.Classic...
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