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Real 911 Calls 2008-12-04 23:42:14 Dispatcher: 911Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?Caller: NoDispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?Caller: Running from the Police.
The Boss and The Trainee 2008-12-04 23:41:46 A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No", replied the trainee."It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The man shouted back, "And do you know who Read more:Trainee
A Woman's Work 2008-12-04 23:41:17 One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug wa
Weight Loss Plan 2008-12-04 23:40:38 A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."Without a se Read more:Weight
, Weight Loss
Their Sons 2008-12-04 23:40:12 "My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
MONEY 2008-12-04 23:39:29 There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that
A Case for More Beer 2008-12-04 23:38:55 and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all k
The Lawyer's Question 2008-12-04 23:38:15 A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them b Read more:Lawyer
, Question
Eve and Adam 2008-12-04 23:37:46 One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in tha
Surgeons talk 2008-12-04 23:37:14 Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and Read more:Surgeons
1, 2, 3 uh 2008-12-03 16:35:40 One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.So the two blonde's decide to go.In the first r
Bad Luck 2008-12-03 16:35:13 A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. Whe
Facts About Old Men and Women 2008-12-03 16:34:53 Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?A: Read more:Old Men
, Women
Rolls Royce Loan 2008-12-03 16:34:26 A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.So the businessman hands over the keys to a RollsRoyce
parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the c Read more:Rolls Royce
The Farmer's Law 2008-12-03 16:34:04 One weekend a lawyer from New York decided to go bird hunting in Vermont. The lawyer drove to Vermont and found a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a bird, shoots it and watches fall to the ground on the other side of the barns fence. The lawyer, thinking to himself that's my bird I have to go get it, climbs the fence retrieves the bird and climbs back. Just as he gets back over the
" The Undertaker" 2008-12-03 16:33:40 A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go u
Laying Eggs 2008-12-03 16:33:07 Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?Fred: None!Teacher (surprised): Why not?Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
Read more:Laying
Discovering 2008-12-03 16:32:37 Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ?Pupil: There it is.Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ?Pupil: Fred did.
Smell 2008-12-03 16:32:19 Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first."But where will you keep it?" said the second."Your yard's much too small for a pig!""I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend."But what about the smell?""He'll soon get used to that."
Read more:Smell
E-mail 2008-12-03 16:31:58 An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and h
Good Advice 2008-12-03 16:31:15 Soldiers are trained to jump from areoplanes. They have parachutes that open in the air so that they can fall safely to the ground.A sergeant was once instructing his soldiers. One of them ask him: "What must I do if the parachute does not open when I jump out?""Oh, that's all right. You just bring it back and you'' get another one," said the sergeant.
Read more:Good Advice
Emptying the Doctor's Waiting Room 2008-12-03 16:30:49 A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient."Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says."But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your Read more:Doctor
, Waiting
Intelligence 2008-12-03 16:30:27 Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean,
Hardly Know 2008-12-03 16:29:51 Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.Now, why can't you do that?""Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Zoo Job 2008-12-03 16:29:15 One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.He offers the mime a job to dress up a Read more:Zoo
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