Greek and Italian
2006-10-05 21:18:00
A Greek
and Italian
were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon" The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians" The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"
...and so on and so on ...
and then The Greek says: "We invented 'true' sex"
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women..."
Condoms
2006-10-03 14:56:00
A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy (who obviously knows the answer, but wants to know if his dad will give him a proper answer or not) asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, o
Read more: Condoms
Young Son Growing Up...
2006-10-03 14:51:00
A man and his young son are walking in the country when they pass a field of cows, the kid says 'look daddy, moo cows!' Dad says, 'You are a bit old to be calling them that, they are just a herd of cows' Soon they come to a railway and a train passes by, little boy says 'look daddy, choo choo train!' The dad sighs and tells the boy to speak with more maturity. Later that evening dad finds his son reading a book - 'hey son, what are you reading?' says dad. The boy looks at the cover and says 'Winnie the Shit'
Read more: Growing
Girl walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
2006-10-03 14:49:00
Girl walks
into a bar and asks the barman for a double
entendre, so he gave her one.
Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital
2006-10-03 14:48:00
Prime Minister
, Tony Blair
, is being shown around an Edinburgh
hospital
. Towards the end of his visit, he is taken onto a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' you honest sonsie face, Great Chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thaim, Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace, As lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused, just grins, moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some hae nane that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thank it."
Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the third patient, who immediately begins to declaim,
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle!"
Alarmed, Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and demands an explanation: "What sort of ward is this, a me
Read more: Prime Minister
, Tony Blair
Policeman's Court Testimony
2006-09-12 11:23:00
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow office
Read more: Policeman
, Court
, Testimony
Boy's Parts and Girl's Parts
2006-09-12 11:17:00
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, ''I have something to tell you about your child...''
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, ''What's wrong with it?''
The doctor says, ''There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite.''
The woman looks confused. ''A hermaphrodite, what's that?''
The doctor replies, ''It has both features of a male and a female.''
The woman looks at him and says "whew" ... "You mean it has a penis AND a brain?
Read more: Parts
The Blonde Hubby
2006-09-12 11:11:00
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.
She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.
"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
Read more: Blonde
, Hubby
Look! A dead bird!
2006-09-12 11:10:00
A blonde and a brunette are walking through a park.
The brunette, looking at the ground, says, "Look! A dead bird!"
The blonde looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
Brand New Car
2006-09-12 11:07:00
A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said......
"These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
Read more: Brand
, Brand New
Zovitzki or Petry Syndrome
2006-08-30 13:41:00
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome
. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The
Snake on a Plane
2006-08-18 15:14:00
Read more: Snake
, Plane
13 Reasons to Smile!
2006-08-10 23:27:00
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my OWN pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
B
Read more: Reasons
, Smile
Dog Tales
2006-08-01 02:05:00
I have a Labrador/Akita mix and a smaller Heinze Variety type dog and was buying a large bag of Purina at the local store the other day.I was waiting in the check-out line when the woman behind me saw the 30 pound bag in my trolley and asked if I had a dog.On impulse, I told her no. I was starting The Purina Diet again,although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital lasttime. But, I had lost 75 pounds once before, and felt I needed to shedsome 20 pounds I seemed to have gained again. Last time, however, I didawaken in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of myorifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way thatit works is you drink at least eight 12oz. glasses of water a day andjust load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one ortwo every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.So, I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in t
Read more: Tales
Limp Duck Tale
2006-07-25 21:10:00
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laidher pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened tothe bird's chest.After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sosorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure"? She protested. "I mean, you haven't done anytesting on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned afew moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duckfrom top to bottom.He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vetpatted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with acat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the birdf
Weird and Wonderful Site Names
2006-07-25 11:13:00
All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through!Take note of their 'Domain Names
'! Some of them are prime candidates for the "What wasI thinking?" Award!ALL of these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign, (and work - safe, in caseyou're wondering).
1). A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com
2). 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
3). Looking for a pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island' at: www.penisland.net
4). Need a 'therapist'? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com
5). Then of course, there's the 'Italian Power Generator Company' - www.powergenitalia.com
6). And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7). If you
Read more: Weird
, Wonderful
Anniversary Gift
2006-07-25 11:12:00
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the drivewaythat goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and broughtthe box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Read more: Anniversary
His and Her Diary Entries
2006-06-27 23:22:00
HER DIARY ( 1st July 2006)
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a pub to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he wasupset at the fact that I was late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn'tflowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but hekept quiet and absent.I asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing". I asked him ifit was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home,I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explainhis behavior; I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too".
When we got home, I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do withme anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed so distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bedand, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still
Read more: Diary
IDIOT SIGHTING:
2006-04-16 10:38:00
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Read more: IDIOT
Ball-bearing mousetrap
2006-04-12 12:54:00
A technology buff, Sam spent hours thinking over the ad in Popular Engineering for a ball-bearing
mousetrap. He tried to figure out how it could possible work, then finally gave up and sent for one. A week later, a tomcat arrived via parcel post.
Getting A Haircut
2006-03-29 23:54:00
A man walked into the barber's and said, "I'd like to have my hair cut like Tom Cruises's." The barber started clipping away like crazy.
"Are you sure you know what Tom Cruise looks like?" asked the customer.
"Of course I do!" snapped the barber. "I saw him twice in The King and I."
Read more: Haircut
Troubles
2006-03-29 23:50:00
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed," many menstill sleep with their wives.
Read more: Troubles
Baby's First Doctor Visit
2006-03-29 23:42:00
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Read more: First
, Doctor
Viagra
2006-03-29 23:41:00
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
Stealing the Soap
2006-11-12 03:10:00
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory.When the case comes to court the judge decides to make anexample of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"
Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."
Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, startingimmediately."
Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"
Judge: "Consider yourself lucky... It could have been life boy."
Read more: Stealing
test
1970-01-01 00:59:59
test
man's life
1970-01-01 00:59:59
The average man's life consists of:* Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going.* Forty years of having his wife ask the same question.* Finally, at the end, the mourners wondering, too.
Great Truths
1970-01-01 00:59:59
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.2) Wrinkles don't hurt.3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber
Read more: Great
Blonde Joke: Energy efficient windows
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient
kind,but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Helllooooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year,..... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo?He didn't call back.
Read more: Energy
, Blonde
, Energy efficient
Christmas Joke
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Three men died on Christmas
Eve and were met by Saint Peter at thepearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "youmust each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get intoheaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. Heflicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. Heshook them and said, "They're bells."Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets andfinally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at theman with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."
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