THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
2007-07-09 01:43:00
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETEDby Friday, July 12th, 2007NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUMClass 1How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with SlidePresentation.Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at7:00 PM.Class 2The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?Round Table Discussion.Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.Class 3Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.Class 4Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and TheFloor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.Class 5Dinner Dishes--Can They
"The Answer"
2007-07-05 02:04:00
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. Hisbusiness was failing, he had put everything he hadinto the business, he owed everybody-- it was so badhe was even contemplating suicide. As a last resorthe went to a priest and poured out his story of tearsand woe.When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's whatI want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible inyour car and drive down to the beach. Take the beachchair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in thebeach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open theBible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the openBible will come to rest on a page. Look down at thepage and read the first thing you see. That will be youranswer, that will tell you what to do."A year later the businessman went back to the priestand brought his w
Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
2007-06-28 03:41:00
Congress Votes
to Outsource
Presidency
, Washington, DC (AP)Congress today announced that the office of President of the UnitedStates of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. Themove is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearlysalary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures andrelated overhead the office has incurred during the last 6 years."We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,"stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA)."We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current levelof cash outlay," Reynolds noted.Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume
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Man With Sensitive Side
2007-06-22 15:40:00
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to h
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Old Wise Man
2007-06-20 10:46:00
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday eveningwith a beautiful young gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and broughtanother ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jewelersaid.The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled withexcitement.The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "bycheck. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it nowand you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pic
25 Reasons I Owe My Mother
2008-04-17 02:10:00
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 4.My mother taught me LOGIC. ' Because I said so, that's why.' 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 7. My mother taught me IRONY. 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 8. My mother taugh
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Humphrey Lyttelton: Double entendre
2008-05-01 20:33:00
Samantha is a croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor, While her baking instructor "popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week". Pub which has a sign saying: "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear". I am sorry, Samantha won't be able to join us tonight as she has had to meet a bee keeper friend in Warrington. Samantha has recently taken up Bee keeping and has around 3 dozen so far. Her friend quite often frees her thirty eight bees and has them flying around his head! Samantha spent several hours down in the gramophone archive earl
A man and his ever-nagging wife...
2008-05-06 18:01:00
A man and his ever-nagging wife went away on vacation to Jerusalem. Sadly, while they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or, you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about this for a few seconds and told the undertake to make arrangements for having his wife shipped home. The undertaker slightly puzzled asked the man, "Why you would spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land AND save yourself a bunch of money in the process?" The man replied, "A long time ago, there was a man who died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!&
Old Dogs
2008-05-06 17:00:00
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer , along for the company. One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a l
How to save the Airlines (Open Letter to the NY Times)
2008-05-08 21:26:00
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
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, Letter
, Times
Blonde Cowboy
2008-06-29 05:33:00
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?' The Cowboy
says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head
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Politically Correct Nelson at Trafalgar
2008-07-16 04:48:00
Nelson
: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gob
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, Trafalgar
Good Question and Best Answer
2008-08-04 16:36:00
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Hooked On Phonics
2008-08-03 14:52:00
My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!' I took a deep breath, then asked, "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does... Hooked
on phonics! Gotta love it...
The Vicar and the Mower
2008-08-02 21:37:00
The local vicar was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?", asked the vicar. The young boy thought for a moment, then replied "I just want enough money to go out and buy a bicycle." After a moment of consideration, the vicar asked, "Will you take my bike in exchange
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Daddy's Little Girl
2008-08-02 18:26:00
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 ½ years old & had gotten me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys. My daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a cup of “tea”, which was just water. After several cups of my tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mother
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Famous Mosques
2008-08-02 17:27:00
An American decided to write a book about famous Mosques around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China. On his first day he was inside a Mosque taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The
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