Why ?
2007-04-21 03:48:00
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say the paint is wet?Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put
Nagging Wives
2007-05-08 17:51:00
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's
Where is Jesus?
2007-05-08 17:49:00
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
Nun With Gas Problem
2007-05-08 17:48:00
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked."Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again."Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage in the convent.He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said -"What a cute little fart!"
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Holy Water Miracle
2007-05-08 17:46:00
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"The Choirboy replies..."flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!
Texas Immigrants
2007-05-08 17:44:00
The Texas
State Legislator decided to take a state-wide poll to see if the citizens thought there was a problem with too many illegal immigrants. Here's the results...7% Said, Yes2% Said, No 81% Said, Que? No habla ingles
One Liners #3
2007-05-08 17:40:00
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said,
Read more: Liners
One Liners #2
2007-05-08 17:39:00
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll gi
Read more: Liners
One Liners #1
2007-05-08 17:39:00
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."I was in this restaurant and I asked for somethin
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Bomb On a Plane
2007-05-08 17:32:00
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his ta
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Two Liners
2007-05-08 12:55:00
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends"A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"What is the definition of Mistress?Someone between the Mister and Mattress.Husband asks spouse, "Do you know the meaning of W.I.F.E.??It's Without Information, Fighting Every time."Wife replies, "No, It means, With Idiot For Ever!"What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?Stress is when wife is pregnant.Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.Panic is when both are pregnant.Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, and my mom fainted, dad had a heart attack, & our neighbour ran away.A women asks a man who is traveling with six children,"Are all these kids yours??"The man replies sarcastically, &q
Read more: Liners
Mithunderthdanding
2007-05-09 12:22:00
The owner of a horse farm receives a call from a friend, who informs him of a midget with a speech impediment who's interested in buying a horse. The owner has him send the midget over. The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," replies the midget. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?" So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?" Promptly, the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes. "Ok, what about the eerth?" At this point, the owner is becoming aggravated, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. "OK, finally, can I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget laments, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?"
New Seat Belt
2007-05-09 12:09:00
church services
2007-05-09 12:00:00
An elderly couple was attending church services About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
They Walk Among Us
2007-05-16 12:22:00
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. ...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one- get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. ............... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail. One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead
Crashed My Car
2007-06-02 12:46:00
I crashed my car into the back of another at a traffic light this morning.The guy got out of his car and he was a dwarf!He said "I'm not happy!"So I said "Well, which one are you then?"
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Bank Robbers
2007-06-06 04:58:00
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, “Bark! Bark!” “Ah, must be a dog!” says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, “Meow!” and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, “Must
Koala Joke
2007-06-06 04:56:00
A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door. "HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!" Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.She shows him the definition:PROSTITUTE (pros`ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary.He shows her a definition:KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
Old Guys and Rye Bread
2008-01-22 08:07:00
Two older guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park benchone morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn'teven short of breath.The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what hedid to have so much energy.The 77 year old said 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps yourenergy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. As he waslooking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?' She said, 'Yes, there's a wholeshelf of it. Would you like some?'He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves, by the time you get to the 5th loaf,it'll be hard'He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
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"The Amazing Claude"
2007-10-01 06:50:00
It was opening night at the Glasgow Empire and "The Amazing
Claude
" was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced that unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite 2 or 3 people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, he intended to hypnotize the whole audience. The atmosphere was electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch. It is a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generation". Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.....". The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming o
Banged up Pirate
2007-09-05 05:40:00
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?" "A seagull crapped in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
Read more: Banged
, Pirate
Not a Word
2007-09-05 05:37:00
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don´t know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps do
Women Smarter then Men?
2007-08-23 14:23:00
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women
are so much smarter than men.
Doctor, Doctor
2007-08-21 13:35:00
A man walks into the doctors and says: " Doctor
, Doctor, you have got to help me. I keep thinking that I am a moth!"The Doctor says " I cannot help you. You should have gone to the psychiatrist next door!"The man replies:" I know, I only came in here because your light was on!"
Elderly Men (Or is it just men?)
2007-08-17 07:29:00
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside Restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about 20 minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he scolded her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant
Passenger on a Plane
2007-08-01 10:56:00
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.The man went back to his reading.A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?""I am sorry if I disturbed y
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, Plane
9 Things I hate about people
2007-07-30 07:03:00
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually. 3 When people
say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
American Beers
2007-07-25 10:17:00
After the North American
Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers
', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if y
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
2007-07-23 15:14:00
Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shor
Women's Ass size study
2007-07-18 06:45:00
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting: 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him. He's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
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