married to a smartass
1970-01-01 00:59:59
While I was watching the Masters golf this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer......Sometimes it's tough being married
to a smartass.
Three Wise Men
1970-01-01 00:59:59
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed."Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."
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Stevie Wonder Christmas Present
1970-01-01 00:59:59
Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas
. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Read more: Stevie
, Present
, Stevie Wonder
, Christmas Present
Moral Story
1970-01-01 00:59:59
In 1923,WhoWas:1. President of the largest steel company?2. President of the largest gas company?3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?4. Greatest wheat speculator?5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?6. Great Bear of Wall Street?These menwere consideredsome of the worlds most successfulof their days.Now,80 years later,the history book asks us,if we knowwhat ultimately became of them.The Answers:1. The president of the largest steel company.Charles Schwab,died a pauper.2. The president of the largest gascompany,Edward Hopson,went insane.3. The president of the NYSE,Richard Whitney,was released from prisonto die at home.4. The greatest wheat speculator,Arthur Cooger,died abroad, penniless.5. The presidentofthe Bank of International Settlement,shot himself.6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,Cosabee Livermore,also committed suicide.However:in that same year,1923,the PGA Championandthe winner ofthemost important golf tournament,the US Open,wasGene Sarazen.What became of
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Christmas Jokes #1
1970-01-01 00:59:59
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? Olive ? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Why is Christmas
just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!" During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!" Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel. But why?" a bystander asked. "Because,
Read more: Jokes
, Christmas Jokes
Christmas Jokes #2
1970-01-01 00:59:59
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?" Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Read more: Jokes
, Christmas Jokes
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree
1970-01-01 00:59:59
On Christmas
Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE
1970-01-01 00:59:59
You'll need the following: 1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice Nuts 1 bottle of whisky Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to
Read more: RECIPE
Guilty and Depressed
2007-03-03 01:05:00
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
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, Depressed
That's Lovely
2007-03-03 00:43:00
One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked herclass, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of hispropensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looksfor another student to ask. Finally, when no one elseraises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?""Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny,can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?""Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heardMommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's indifferent.'"
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Alternate Meanings
2007-03-03 00:41:00
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.16. Circumvent (
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Fire on at an Oil Rig
2007-03-03 00:34:00
There's a blow out at an oil rig.The flames are shooting hundreds of feet in the air.Hundreds of fire fighters are called in and give up because it's too hot.The mayor offers 100,000 dollars to anyone who can stop the blaze. nobody comes.He eventually calls Red Adair.Red Adair tries everything - his glass of whisky, a bucket of water, dynamite, the lot........the fire still burns on.Late in the evening he's sitting in a bar sad and sweaty when Paddy the irishman comes in and asks what's wrong.Red tells paddy it's the worst blow out he's ever seen and doesn't know what to do about it.Paddy says he'll be along at 9 in the morning with a few friends and will sort it out.Next morning the whole town is waiting - fire and smoke can be seen from miles away.Then there's a sound - tires screeching and a motor screaming - a van comes around the corner and flies into the flames. the back doors of the van open up and 10 irishmen jump out and start stamping out the flames with their hobnai
Old Red Neck Humor
2007-03-07 11:40:00
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust,consisting of a 1982 Ford pickup, a Remington shotgun, 6 1/2 books of GreenStamps and $18.37 due from the mill for his last week's work. However, hisbeloved widow can't touch any of the assets until she turns 14.Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They weretold 17 and under are not admitted.The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems theywant to keep alcohol out of the high schools.In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's driedtobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.Arkansas has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year fora million years.Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, ittook out the whole trailer park.The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He
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Candidate for Mayor
2007-03-20 10:50:00
A man running for mayor was making a speech, and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!"A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?"
Read more: Candidate
, Mayor
Vincent Van Gogh Relatives
2007-03-20 10:26:00
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent
Van Gogh had many relatives.Among them were:His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh...His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh...The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh...The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh...The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh...The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh...The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh...His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh...His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh...The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh...The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh...The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh...The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh...The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh...His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh...The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh...An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh...The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh...A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh...His Italian uncle, Day Gogh...And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Go
Where did I come from?
2007-03-20 10:07:00
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:You got Male
Birthday Present for the wife
2007-03-22 02:21:00
There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"
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, Present
A salesmans divorce
2005-12-17 01:31:00
A salesman was testifying in his divorce
proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity.""Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
How deep is that stream?
2007-04-16 17:39:00
A city gent is driving through the countryside when he comes to a stream he has to drive across.Sitting on the riverbank is a local yokel so he stops the car and asks "Hey, country chappie. How deep is that stream?"The yokel chews a bit on his straw and says "Arr but it be just a few inches deep".City gent starts the car and drives into the stream. The front wheels go into the stream and suddenly the car tips forward and sinks.City gent manages to get out of the car and swim back to the riverbank. Gasping and spitting water he shouts "You ignorant peasant - you said the stream was just a few inches deep!".Yokel takes the straw out of his mouth, scratches his head and says "Now that be funny - the water only comes 'alf way up the ducks"
Three men were travelling ...
2007-04-16 05:40:00
Three
men were travelling in rural America when their car came to grief, whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse. The farmer had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughter's, but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn't think he could remain there. A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there. Whereupon the third man, a practising lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn. In a little while, the
Man wakes up from operation
2007-04-16 05:35:00
A man goes into hospital for some tests. They knock him out, and when he comes round there's a doctor peering over him; you know, pulling the eyelid up, wielding the reflex hammer. Doctor says; "Ahh. I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news" Man Says; "Don't hold back Doc, tell me the bad news" Doctor says; "worse than I thought; we had to amputate your left leg" (You've heard it, right ?) Man says; "What's the good news then ?" Doctor replies; "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers" Several days later the same man is rushed into the operating theatre for further surgery. Finally, hours later, he begins to wake. He sees the doctor peering over him and thinks of deja-vu. Doctor says; "Ahh. I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news again" Man Says; "What could be worse than having one leg amputated, tell me the bad news" Doctor says; "worse than I thought; I'm afraid that we had to amputate your rig
New Conductor
2007-04-16 05:33:00
So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist, expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!"
The Pill
2007-04-16 05:30:00
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill." "I don't think you need the Pill at your age." "It relaxes me." "But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician. "I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.
Annual Checkup
2007-04-16 05:28:00
Madeleine went to the doctor for her annual check-up. He told her to disrobe and climb onto the examination table. "Doctor," she said shyly, "I'm sorry but I can't undress right in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. you undress and tell me when you're through." The room was completely dark. "Doctor, I've undressed," said Madeleine. "What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the quack. "Put them over here, on top of mine."
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Medical Emergency
2007-04-16 05:16:00
The new intern on duty at the hospital emergency room, answered the phone late one night. "Doctor," exclaimed a woman, "what shall I do? We just discovered our two-year-old son has eaten a whole tube of contraceptive jelly." "Well," replied the intern, "If it's really an emergency, why don't you have one of the all-night drugstores deliver another tube?"
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Pulling Teeth
2007-04-16 05:13:00
A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," he said. "We're in a big hurry, so let's not fool around with gas or Novocaine or any of that stuff." "You're a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
Men With Pierced Ears
2007-04-16 05:11:00
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
Macintosh fans
2007-04-16 05:05:00
"DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh
fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." - New York Times, November 26, 1991
Normal people
2007-04-16 05:04:00
"Normal
people
... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." - Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Rock Music and Mice
2007-04-16 04:59:00
According to the Washington Times (7/2/97) when a Virginia High School student exposed mice to hard rock music 10 hours a day for three weeks, their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased significantly. A control group, exposed to classical music, actually improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the hard rock mice ate each other.
Read more: Music
, Rock Music
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