Owner: Where the Hell Was I? URL:http://www.wherethehellwasi.com Join Date: Thu, 20 Nov 2008 23:27:53 -0600 Rating:0 Site Description: Nothing but honest, heartfelt commentary on random events, many of which never actually happened. Plus some other stuff. Site statistics:Click here
Dirty Bird Redux 2008-11-20 08:21:20 I wouldn't want to seem lazy so soon after my return to writing -- I figure the honeymoon period on that is at least a week... maybe five days... three? Can I take tomorrow off? We'll see.
In the meantime, with Thanksgiving looming a mere seven days away, I thought new and returning readers alike might find something of value in a cautionary tale I penned last November:
The Turkey Timeline: A Th Read more:Redux
Doofus on Line One 2008-11-19 22:48:20 You'd think something might have changed while I was away the past few months. With all that free time spent not writing, I should have been able to pick up a skill or two. You'd think I'd emerge from my hiatus a new and better man -- wiser, craftier, savvier.
Yeah. You'd think.
Meanwhile, back on our own planet...
Yesterday, after I'd made up my mind to resurrect this little den of drivel, I d
Back to the Drivel Board 2008-11-18 15:54:50 So. Hi there.
It's been quite a while since I've dusted off the old site for writing. Things look mostly the same around here as I remember them -- the same goofy picture, the blue-on-blue decor, the Simpsons mocking me with every click... but things are different now, too.
The sidebar has managed to hork itself out of a couple of sections, for one thing. How it managed to eat two blogrolls and Read more:Board
Sick and (Re-)Tired 2008-02-19 19:50:12 So, I've been sick.
Not deathly, gasping my last breath, 'I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth!' sick, maybe. But still -- sick. I've spent much of the past ten days coughing up bits of things that may or may not have been attached to my internal organs. And someone evidently replaced my sinus fluid with some sort of napalm-'n'-molasses mixture, to see if I would notice.
Trust me, I noticed. Shove
Two-Ply Trouble Brewing 2008-02-05 22:05:38 I've gradually come to realize that there's something going on around my workplace. Something different. Unusual. Special.
In the bathroom in the office, the janitors leave bags -- I said bags! -- full of unused, unopened toilet paper in the stall. Bags full. I'm not kidding. Seriously, look:
So many squares to spare.
Now, think about that for a second. Recall the offices in which you've worke Read more:Brewing
, Trouble
I Recommend You Go to Hell 2008-02-02 20:49:28 No, not you. Of course not you.
I'm talking about Amazon -- or more specifically, the 'Recommended for You' bug prank 'feature' on their website. That nasty little bastard can go straight to hell, and I hope as many pitchforks as possible poke it right in the ass on the way.
"I thought from my previous experience that the worst thing Amazon could do is ignore me. I was wrong. So very, very wrong
Spinal Tee, Not for Me 2008-01-29 23:27:01 I've been pretty good recently about not cross-whoringposting my missives from Bugs & Cranks over here. The way I figure it, if you're a baseball fan, you're already over there, because the collective writing is primo top-notch. And if you're a Braves fan, then the link to my area is on the sidebar for easy access, and maybe you're already reading it.
"If you're not a baseball fan, then nothi Read more:Spinal
Veterinary Vexations 2008-01-23 21:39:01 So, I need a little help here.
As you may -- or may not -- recall, my dog has lymphoma.
That's not the bit I need help with. I certainly don't expect everyone reading this site to be practicing and expert veterinary oncologists.
This time.
Rather, I need a bit of advice on dealing with the staff at the local animal hospitorium. The front desk ladies, specifically, because they're killing me. W Read more:Veterinary
Rarely Silky, Never Smooth 2008-01-16 21:25:29 I got out of bed this morning, as I manage to do most days. And, after the requisite creaking and grumbling and scratching of various unmentionables, I made my way to the shower. As is my custom on Wednesdays.
Most Wednesdays. According to my New Years resolution, at least.
Anyway, once I was squeaky cleaned and toweled dry, I ventured off to find clean underpants. They're the foundation of a he Read more:Silky
What, Too Far? 2008-01-10 12:22:11 For the past few years, I've been the 'captain' of our Thursday night volleyball team.
I put 'captain' in quotes because there's really not a lot of captainosity involved. I pay the team fee to the league. And I send out emails every week to badger people to show up. That's the full extent of my 'captainly' duties. Just once, you'd think I'd get to perform a civil marriage service or keelhaul a m
Yo Quiero... Kicking Your Ass 2008-01-09 21:19:50 I don't have a lot of requirements for my fast food. It's not often that I frequent the quickie joints, so I don't bother being overly demanding when I do. If it shows up quickly and fits in my mouth, that's usually plenty good enough for me. If my standards were any lower, I'd just eat the change when they hand it back and be done with it.
But even I have my limits. And one of those was sorely t Read more:Kicking
Scone Appetit 2008-01-08 23:40:26 Well, I'm back.
Not 'back with a vengeance', perhaps -- the vengeance I bought on Amazon hasn't been delivered yet; probably held up in customs or something -- but I'm back. And when that vengeance shows up -- well, whoo, geez. Look out. Mercy.
In the meantime, here's this:
One of the more... unusual Christmas presents the missus and I received this year was a kit, of sorts, for making scones.
A Cold Affront Moving In 2007-12-13 12:07:54 Sometimes when I'm talking to other people, I forget that I actually have to listen to what they're saying. Often, with less-than-ideal results. For me.
Just for instance:
"The forecast calls for heavy taunting throughout the afternoon, with a one hundred percent chance of embarrassment overnight and into morning."
Today around noon, a few of us at work were sitting at the office lunch table ta Read more:Moving
Troubles with TiVos 2007-12-10 19:25:09 My TiVo has been causing me anxiety lately. And not the usual kind of anxiety, which mostly follows from me being a complete idiot. That I'm used to.
(For the record, the 'usual' kind of TiVo anxiety usually involves weather reports slipped into the commercial breaks by the local news boobs. Once or twice a week I'll be up late, watching something on the hard drive and neglect to zap through the Read more:Troubles
Weekend Werind: The Posts of Christmas Past 2008-12-20 13:36:23 Tomorrow, I set off on my annual trek to visit family over the holidays. The missus and I will leave behind the gray and frigid Northeast to travel to the somewhat grayer and only slightly less frigid Midwest / Mid-Atlantic / Near South.
(It's not such an easy region to define, really. Plus, we rent a car and drive a couple of hours from family to family while we're there, which complicates class Read more:Christmas
, Weekend
Just Call Me 'Cresty LaRue' 2008-12-19 18:58:52 There are days when I just shouldn't be allowed to leave the house. Most days, in fact. Like, for instance, today.
So far as I knew, I had a perfectly normal morning. The alarm went off; I hot the snooze bar. Another alarm, another snooze. Alarm, snooze. Alarm, snooze. Alarm, wing the clock into the hallway, sleep for another hour. Same old, same old.
When I finally managed to peel myself off th
The Bestest (Worstest) Present Ever 2008-12-18 15:20:09 It's nearly Christmas again. The time of year when poorly-warbled jingles fill the air, tinsel-related injuries are at record highs, and you can't fart in a shopping mall without blowing down two Santas, a plastic reindeer and a Salvation Army kettle.
(For the record, that would not count as a tax-deductible 'donation'. I checked.)
It's also the season when grinchy shoppers, grumbly kids and gro Read more:Present
Lights! Camera! Auction! 2008-12-17 22:33:08 Over the weekend, the missus and I attended a special holiday gala. It was sponsored by a local arts group, and featured live entertainment, a wine tasting and hobnobbing with all manner of cultured neighborly types.
(At least, I think we 'hobnobbed'. I'm not entirely sure where my 'hob' is, or how I'm supposed to 'knob' it, honestly. It sounds like the sort of thing I shouldn't be doing in publi Read more:Auction
, Camera
, Lights
A Hurtin' from a Curtain 2008-12-16 22:59:49 My shower curtain is equipped with a force field.
I realize that's not an especially sane-sounding thing to say. Reading that, you might expect me to be the sort of person who checks the 'matrix' for deja vu glitches, or asks people to 'use the Force', or writes Trekkie fanfic in his spare time. In fact, I do none of these things.
(Deja vu creeps me out enough as it is, the 'Force' is for babies Read more:Curtain
The Swearing of the Lawyers 2008-12-15 22:22:58 Last week, my wife was sworn in as a lawyer. It was the culmination of four long years of painful nights during law school, fretting over the bar exam, a whole new level of fretting after the bar exam was over, and trying to cram life, work, sleep, the house and the dog into the precious few hours remaining each day.
Oh, and my wife probably had it pretty tough, too.
I kid, I kid. She just compl Read more:Lawyers
, Swearing
Weekend Werind: Cliche-O-Matic 2008-12-14 20:51:52 For a guy who has written so many words -- several of which I didn't make up, even -- I never seem to be able to find the right ones. That's where this weekend's 'Werind' post comes in.
A while back, I got tired of using (and hearing) the same old cliched crap at every turn. At Thanksgiving: 'I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!' When I'm feeling sick: 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away!' Durin Read more:Cliche
, Weekend
If You Don't Know, You Can Always Axiom 2008-12-12 22:18:23 I used to wind up in a lot of embarrassing situations. I never sought them out, mind you; I just wound up in them. Mysteriously.
There I'd be, minding my own business, and the next thing I knew I'd be dressed in a matador's outfit with my hand down a toilet. Or rollerskating down a staircase with no pants on. And then there was the time I bet I could eat more Jell-O than a horse, and my buddy sai
'Tis the (Safety) Season 2008-12-11 22:58:12 At work today, I received an email from our office manager entitled:
'HOLIDAY DECORATION SAFETY'
I didn't actually read the email, of course. That would be far too close to actual work for my tastes. I simply deleted it and went back to my usual routine of quietly sobbing at my desk, wondering where I went so horribly wrong.
When I'd finished that, I considered the subject of the email. And tho Read more:Safety
, Season
In Bed with Advertisers 2008-12-10 22:56:56 I like to entertain myself. But I get bored easily. And I'm pretty lazy.
(What? All this, and good looks, too? The hell you say!)
This particular combination of character flaws can be crippling, but is often overcome by the judicious application of an existing diversion to a novel set of circumstances. In comedy, we call this 'reusing a gag'. Or in some cases, a 'callback'.
In my family, it's c
Bear-ly Hanging On? 2008-12-09 10:56:54 One of the shows in my TiVo's heavy rotation of late is Man vs. Wild.
It features British ex-Special Services man Bear Grylls demonstrating survival techniques in harsh climates and dangerous conditions. Each episode, his crew will airdrop him -- and some gear, and a few cameras, and a couple of cameramen, and maybe some EMTs, or a sleeping car, or a catering staff; the show's not too clear on th Read more:Hanging
Hungry for Handel 2008-12-08 09:23:38 Last night, the missus and I were invited to attend a holiday concert.
And not by Alvin and the Chipmunks or the Peanuts gang, either. Those are the sorts of concerts you might expect that I'd be invited to. Not actually attend, without a bazooka to my crotch, but invited to? Sure sounds likely.
Luckily, this invitation came through my wife's contacts, who are a bit more, shall we say, civilized Read more:Handel
, Hungry
Weekend Werind: Shitbox Edition 2008-12-06 14:05:52 I have way, way too many posts here.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you. There's somewhere north of 1400 entries in the archives, if you include all the standup show descriptions and the 100 Things Posts About Me. All those words, horked out over the span of five and a half years, are quite an accomplishment. Of sorts.
Or they'll be an insurmountable mound of evidence against me in a trial some Read more:Edition
, Weekend
Caught with My Paints Down 2008-12-05 09:12:30 Over the past couple of weeks, we've had contractors in the house. They've been painting our hallway and a couple of rooms upstairs.
(And the dog's been helping them. A regular Poochlo Picasso, she is.)
I feel I should mention here that my wife and I actually can paint. Not masterpieces, mind you, nor art of any imaginable definition. But we can paint rooms. We've done it. I've seen us. So I fee Read more:Caught
, Paints
You Love Eighteen Years and What Do You Get? 2008-12-04 14:41:42 Speaking of romance yesterday...
I returned from my writing hiatus just a smidgen too late to catch an interesting personal milestone. The timing, she was never my forte.
Still, better late than never. So I'm happy to report that today (if it were three weeks ago), my wife and I have been together for exactly eighteen years.
(And three weeks. Unless you moved today three weeks backwards up ther Read more:Years
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