Owner: Tales of a Total Spender URL:http://www.total-spender.com Join Date: Sat, 07 Apr 2007 10:41:04 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: On Being Sane in Insane Places: Korea Reconsidered and other Ruminations Site statistics:Click here
Fatal Attraction Pt III 2007-04-05 03:04:00 This is no longer funny. What started out as something mildly entertaining and worthy of sharing (part I, part II) has descended into a potential sexual harassment case. I do not joke.Having not seen him for over a week, I thought that this sad debacle had been put to bed. I was wrong.Yesterday, as I walked into school he was mopping the floor by the elevator. He was wearing his pink latex gloves which fit him almost to the elbow. This now frightens the fuck out of me. I digress.Whilst waiting for the elevator (because as you know, I don't do stairs) the usual happened, i.e he subjected me to an onslaught of Korean and I nodded politely. As per usual, he started pointing at my chest hair and then started grabbing his bits. Whatever. He then grabbed my bits. No shit.He first poked them with his finger. No sweat, he's Korean. This is standard behaviour for Korean males. He then repeated the cycle of pointing at my chest hair, raising a finger to indicate that I'm number one Read more:Fatal
, Attraction
Total Spending: The Virgin Credit Card Era 2007-04-03 04:40:00 Having spent a debauched three months Total
Travelling in south east Asia, I arrived in England destitute and homeless. I immediately went to see my ex-girlfriend and begged her for somewhere to stay. Initially denied, she finally agreed after some forceful persuasion and moral blackmail.My priorities were now as follows:Obtain more creditGet drunkLeave the countryAnnoyingly, all my applications for additional credit cards and balance increases were refused. This was a huge kick in the balls as it meant I had to do the one thing I was dreading the most: work. After some half-hearted job-seeking, I found employment working for the government.I was contracted via an agency which meant that I was paid for only those hours I worked. No arriving late and leaving early. This was another kick in the balls as I'd actually have to work some proper hours. This is not what the life of a Total Spender is about.I soon became good friends with 'Kate' who was the office secretary. Kate was Read more:Spending
, Virgin
, Credit Card
Total Spending: Reflections From an Outsider pt. I 2007-04-01 15:39:00 As promised, below is the full submission from my first guest writer. Although he has been a friend for longer than I care to remember, his main function has been that of personal accountant.Employed as an investment wanker - sorry, banker - he was the first person to advise on - and relish in - my financial meltdown. The nickname 'Numbers' quickly ensued.Our lives couldn't be more different. He chose the mortgage, career, the stupidly large television and all the other trappings that success brings. I chose Total
Drinking and 19% APR credit cards. Below is his post. Enjoy.Total Spending
, the modus vivendi set-out on Tales of a Total Spender, is as contemptible as it is entertaining. Its prime mover and chief advocate, Total Spender, has reflected extensively and unchallenged on aforementioned blog.However, the time has come for a sensible analysis and critique of this debauched way of life. Part 1 of this essay (and it is an essay) will trace the roots of the man behind the t Read more:Reflections
, Outsider
Total Spending: Reflections From an Outsider (pt. I) 2007-03-30 18:42:00 It gives me great pleasure to announce a guest writer on Tales of a Total
Spender. A writer who, if I'm honest, has a far greater command of the written word than I will ever hope to achieve. And yes, being upstaged on my own blog does annoy the fuck out of me.I would also like to add that I'm the one supposed to be doing the jokes. I digress.Lamentably, the writer in question has been a mate of mine for longer than I can remember and is therefore more than qualified to pass judgement on my hitherto fucked-up existence. Part one of his submission will be posted in full on Monday. Below is a taster of what's to come. Enjoy.Total Spending
, the modus vivendi set out on this blog, is as contemptible as it is entertaining. Its prime mover and chief advocate, 'Total Spender', has reflected extensively and unchallenged on aforementioned blog.However, the time has come for a sensible analysis and critique of this debauched way of life. Part I of this essay - and it is an essay - w Read more:Reflections
, Outsider
Effective Teaching Strategies (pt. I): Dedication 2007-03-30 02:09:00 Those teachers that show a level of dedication to their students and school above and beyond the call of duty are undeniably the most successful in the classroom. Being dedicated allows you to forge positive and productive relations with both students and staff which, in turn, can allow you to experiment with different teaching methodologies.Below is an example of a dedicated teacher at work in the classroom.Genius! Read more:Strategies
, Dedication
The Day I Pioneered 'Total Drinking' 2007-03-28 14:57:00 Like most people, I had my first exposure to alcohol at a young age. I was thirteen years old and a mate and I decided to raid his parents' drinks cabinet. Nothing new or unusual about that.However, unbeknown to me I had sown the seeds of arguably the most important theory since Einstein's musings on relativity: the theory of TotalDrinking
. At the time I just didn't have the conceptual tools needed to articulate it.Most people are first exposed to alcohol at a party. They get drunk, throw up, go home. Big fucking deal. My first experience has defined - even to this present day - my relationship towards alcohol and its abuse. No fear. No shame. No regrets.What happened was that I guzzled down as much booze as I could. It should be noted that I drank only spirits, as spirits are the choice of the Total Drinker. I didn't have a clue how much I needed and what the effects were. I just remember that at the time, the taste of all the vodka and whiskey I was knocking back wa
How to be a 'Total Traveller': Japan pt. II 2007-03-26 17:11:00 I awake to find the stewardess serving food. This is neither here nor there, because how I see it I need to drink the 80,000KRW cab fair that I had just been stung for. The stewardess asks what I would like to eat and I inform her that I'm easy, as long as it ain't none of that foreign muck. I ask for two Heineken's. I'm given one. Bitch.Thankfully, there's only a small queue at immigration so I'm waiting for only ten minutes or so. The bird asks me where I'm staying and I realise that I'm completely smitten. My immediate thought is to say I want her children but decide against it. I instead tell her where I'm staying and am ordered through.I have a much needed cigarette once I'm outside. It's at this moment that I realise I'm completely smitten with the bird who is smoking next to me. My immediate thoughts concern marriage and all the money I could solicit from friends at home. I also think about how our children might look. I decide against telling her this an Read more:Total
, Traveller
, Japan
The Day I Pioneered 'Total Travelling' 2007-03-25 07:51:00 Prior to starting my degree, I secured a job as an I.T. recruitment consultant. This was ironic considering that at the time, I didn't know fuck all about computers. Basically, the job entailed phoning up recruiters and job-seekers and talking bullshit to them. Naturally I excelled and my achievements didn't go unnoticed.The managing director was a thirty-something, unhappily married workaholic. Let's call her 'Lisa'. A few weeks into the job she started to take a shine to me. I found myself receiving all sorts of gifts and cash payments. Indeed, on one occasion she even took me shopping and picked up the tab. She also started wearing shorter skirts.At the time, the company was doing well and a select few were to be rewarded for their efforts by being flown to two destinations in France in a private plane. Needless to say I was one of the lucky ones. Joining me would be the managing director and her husband, two other directors, Paul who was one of my co-workers and the company ac Read more:Total
, Travelling
How to be a 'Total Traveller': Japan pt. I 2007-03-23 15:38:00 "Don't miss your flight."I was chatting to a mate online the night before my trip to Japan
and the above were his last words. Had they come from anyone else I wouldn't of thought anything of it. However, being said by this particular individual gave them an air of unwanted poignancy. For reasons of anonymity, let's call him 'The Man From Bloomberg'.When I first had the misfortune of coming to Korea in 2005, I invariably had leaving drinks the night before. Unsurprisingly, said drinks continued into the morning. When everyone departed I and The Man From Bloomberg continued to drink into the early hours. I inevitably fell unconscious and awoke to find my plane was due to depart in about five minutes.Seeing as I was over ninety minutes away from the airport and still drunk, this proved to be extremely disconcerting, particularly in light of the fact that I'd previously racked up some major debt due to Total
Spending and had to leave the country sharpish. There was also the iss Read more:Traveller
Fatal Attraction pt. II 2007-03-21 02:21:00 You couldn't make this shit up. Really, you couldn't...Further to my original post detailing my romantic encounter with our school caretaker, I'm not exactly pleased to announce that the saga continues. Yesterday entailed the usual ritual when walking to school, namely smoking as many high-strength cigarettes as is humanly possible within a five-minute time frame. My personal best is a respectable three. I reckon I'll hit the four mark very soon. Total Smoking.Anyway, I walk past the caretaker's shed and wave sheepishly, he smiles lovingly. Whilst waiting for the lift - I don't do stairs - I feel a hand on my shoulder. The hand in question, however, is housed in a pink, latex Marigold glove. It's him. The caretaker. I unplug my earphones and am immediately subjected to an onslaught of Korean.As I've said, my Korean ain't all that but I survive. That said, there was an incident on the weekend where we entered a 'bar', ordered and were served. Upon receiving our d Read more:Fatal
, Attraction
With This Ring, I Thee Wed 2007-03-20 00:13:00 For those that know me, I'm a creature of habit. I tend to follow a cycle of boom and bust. Unsurprisingly, the boom always tends to be whenever I'm in Korea and the bust occurs whenever I arrive at my next foreign destination.Speaking of 'boom' it's weird, I have this small piece of plastic in my wallet that does the most amazing thing. What happens is that I insert it into a hole in the wall and type in four numbers - always the same four numbers - and then cash is magically dispensed. Weird. Never happened in England. What's the big deal with feeding 5,000 people and walking on water when you're dealing with hard-currency? I digress.Basically, what is going to happen is that I'm gonna leave here and start Total Spending and end up begging my mates for extra funds when I'm broke. I'm running out of fresh ideas to illicit money which at the time will be much needed. And anyway, most of my mates have become wise when it comes to me and money.However, I received the f
Fatal Attraction 2007-03-17 08:04:00 The general consensus amongst my mates here in Korea is that I'm not very good at pulling the locals. For 'not very good' read 'shit'.Indeed, I'm known more for my ability of spending hours and hours sat in front of a keyboard writing inane shit and posting it on this blog. Things you do to try and stay sane, eh? Note to self: you really do need to get out more. I digress.I'm proud to announce, however, that the drought is over. I am now the source of someones affection. I've had my suspicions for quite some time now that the person in question has been carrying a torch for me, because whenever I was having a cheeky cigarette before class, said person always magically appeared. At first they would point to my chest hair and giggle. The pointing then progressed to touching and has now culminated into stroking which makes me feel very, very uncomfortable. The situation usually ends with me laughing nervously.Before deciding on whether to jump in feet first or not, a num Read more:Fatal
, Attraction
How to be a 'Total Spender' 2007-03-16 02:47:00 Thought I'd give some clarification as to why I have chosen 'Tales of a TotalSpender
' as the title of my blog.Succinctly, a Total Spender is someone who has a complete disregard for financial frugality. Total Spending is a way of life. Being a Total Spender makes you more than just a consumer. Total Spending has become a religion for me.The following was originally sent as an email when I was in Cambodia. It's basically my bomb-proof theory on how to blow all your hard-earned savings. Depending on your disposition for drug and alcohol abuse, the principles outlined below are easy to follow.Let's define our key concepts:Total:- involving all aspects, elements, participants, resources, etc.- complete in extent or degree; absolute; unqualified; utter- Slang. to wreck or demolish completelySpending:- to use up, consume, or exhaustThe theory is inspired by the Dutch-pioneered concept of total football from the 1970s. Succinctly, the theory involved a unique approach to football e
Choose life. Choose Cambodia. 2007-03-15 03:05:00 Choose Total Spending.Choose spunking all your money on Jack Daniels. Choose binge drinking. Choose stuffing $1,000 down your pants and losing four days of your life. Choose paying $80 bar tabs you can't remember racking up. Choose sleep deprivation. Choose overstaying your visa. Choose being known by name by all the motodup drivers on #51.Choose paying all your tabs and then racking them up again.Choose being 'mustard' on the pool table. Choose running out of money wondering how the fuck you're gonna pay for your accommodation. Choose Nivea Intensive Body Milk. Choose cheap, lung battering tobacco.Choose saying NO to fake dreadlocks and backpackers.Choose spending so much time in the Walkabout that it feels like a normal bar.Choose eating $1 glazed buns for all your nutritional needs.Choose selling all your belongings.Choose going to Bangkok to dry out for a few days.Choose begging your mates for extra cash.Choose immediately returning to Cambodia
on receipt of said funds.
Garth Marenghi: Author. Dreamweaver. Visionary ... 2007-03-14 05:10:00 .... plus actor.The following has to be one of the funniest spoofs on the horror genre to date. Unfortunately there's only one season. It can be downloaded from the usual bit torrent sites.Enjoy. Read more:Garth
, Author
, Visionary
'One Visit' Bob forced to flee Phnom Phenh 2007-03-12 02:58:00 Yesterday it emerged that 'One Visit' Bob may have left Phnom Phenh, Cambodia, due to a number of unconfirmed sightings in and around Hertfordshire, England.One of the key-players on the street 51 bar scene in Cambodia's capital, Bob soon came to attention of the locals due to his formidable drinking and pool skills. Indeed, his drinking skills were duly noted by Daz 'Jack Daniels'. An immediate partnership ensued.The pair shared an appreciation for all things whiskey, and soon came to be adored by local bar owners on account of how much money they were throwing away. It was at this time that Daz 'Jack Daniels' was heavily involved in the formulation and testing of his pioneering theory, viz. 'Total Drinking'.Aside from the city's more respectable bars, the pair were often found in some of Cambodia's more seedier drinking establishments. Often armed with nothing but a few hundred dollars and a couple of glazed buns, it was not unknown for the pair to go on 16 hour drinkin Read more:forced
Flame Wars, Crack Cocaine, A Trip Down South 2007-03-09 00:52:00 As most of the teachers who read this know, there comes a time when seeking the advice and opinions of the teaching community with respect to problems with your employer can be a life-saver. The first port of call is undeniably a website called Dave's ESL, which is in my opinion the most widely read and informative, and caters in particular to those having the misfortune of teaching in Korea.In summary, I arrived here without the official E2 working visa, and have yet to be sent to Japan to obtain one. When I first came to Korea, my old employer took four weeks to send me. With my new employer, it is now five, hence the original post.The first charges against me were along the lines of 'Why the hell are you here with no visa?', 'You should of processed your visa in your home country', etc.Having spent two months in my home country homeless and destitute after travelling, I was forced to sleep here, there and everywhere. I knew I'd hit rock bottom when I had to sleep on a bus. Read more:Cocaine
, South
When It All Goes Tits Up in The Classroom 2007-03-07 02:01:00 Sooner or later, you're gonna have a bad day. It comes with the territory. The problem working with young kids is that everything hinges on their mood on that day. You can be the most prepared, inspiring teacher in the world but if the kids aren't up for it, you're fucked.On rare occasions, you're going to have a day so testing that you just 'break'. Yesterday was one of those days. All you can do is reach for the hard-liquor you keep in your desk, take a huge gulp, and think 'oh shit'. (Don't worry, the kids think it's water.)We started a new term this week which means new students come, old students leave, students move up a level, etc etc. Some students even awake from the coma they were in for the duration of the last term prior. Anyway, my point is that all of these changes can seriously affect how they behave in the classroom.More often than not, the criteria for moving a student up to the next level is not based on academic ability. It's based on the length of Read more:Classroom
Korean TV: Made by Retards, for Retards 2007-03-05 14:02:00 During my travels, there have been times when I've been ill, hungover or whatever, and have just slummed it in my hotel room. The thought of engaging with the outside world has just been too daunting. It's at these times when one invariably reaches for the remote control and turns on the television. It is also at these times that one is subjected to channel upon channel of utter shit. More often than not, five minutes into the viewing 'experience' one realises that there is more entertainment to be had by gauging one's eyes out with a used, blunt toothpick.Having travelled to places like Brazil, Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand, I thought I'd seen the cream of the crop when it comes to shit television. And then I was introduced to Korean
television. It's bad. Very, very, bad ...Koreans are, in my mind, the masters of coma-inducing television. Indeed, watching Korean light entertainment has exactly the same effect as consuming way too much valium. Why do Koreans share the s Read more:Retards
10 Things You MUST Do In Korea Before you Die !! 2007-03-02 18:17:00 "Sandwiched between China and Japan, lesser-known Korea
is a country with its own unique and distinctive language, culture and food. Take the time to discover this compact and little-explored country and be surprised by dramatic national and provincial parks, World Heritage monuments, traditional music and dance, a diverse cuisine and helpful, lively people." Korea, Lonely Planet (6th Edition, 2004)As opposed to my usual rants about how life here is crap (which it is), I decided this time I'd write something that would illustrate all the wonderful things there are to see and do in 'Dynamic Korea'. I thought I'd write it in the style of a '10 Things Blah Blah ...' list that seem to be all the rage at the moment. However, before I outline what has made the shortlist, let's have a quick look, in no order of importance, at some of the things that immediately spring to mind.Jejudo Island, located off the southern peninsula and also known as the "Island of the Gods," h
Tensions Still Running High on the 38th Parallel 2007-03-01 04:19:00 Rather than churn out the same old shit, I thought it would make a refreshing change to write something a bit more 'high-brow'. Unsurprisingly, the issue of reunification between North and South Korea came to mind. The main points of interest, on my understanding, are as follows:National IdentityPower and PoliticsEconomicsGlobalisationHaving searched the internet for some information, I stumbled on the following. It tackles all of the above issues and highlights that there is still a long way to go before Korea will once again be restored to a single state, governed by a single administration.Anyway, I fookin' love this video !! Read more:Parallel
Korean Eating Etiquette: A Beginners Guide 2007-02-27 12:46:00 When you are holed-up in a foreign country, you will sooner rather than later want to try some of the local food, preferably eaten at a local restaurant. This means learning the 'dos' and 'donts' of the culture and host nation you find yourself in. One does not want to embarrass oneself in front of work colleagues and friends in particular, and other diners in general.The following article will tease out some of the 'rules' to be followed when eating out locally.Before outlining the Korean
approach to fine dining, let us first see whether there are some fundamental principles that should always be adhered to when eating, regardless of the country you are in. For example, it will always be considered rude to eat your meal and then proceed to throw it up all over the host, wherever you are. Some things will always be seen as inappropriate. Therefore, if we can find some overlap between Korean and western dining habits, the chance of making a dining faux pas will be reduced.Havin Read more:Etiquette
, Guide
, Beginners Guide
Why Korea? Why start blogging? 2007-02-25 09:25:00 "I was happy in the haze of a drunken hourBut heaven knows I'm miserable nowI was looking for a job and then I found a jobAnd heaven knows I'm miserable now."The Smiths, Heaven knows I'm miserable now.Well, after a debauched five months on the road in south east Asia, and Cambodia in particular, followed by two months in London, I now find myself back in Korea
. Why? Well, truth be known, no other bastard would employ me. Would you employ me? Hell, I wouldn't even employ myself. I digress.So, as is evident, I have decided to write a blog which, in light of the fact that I am in Korea, throws up a number of insurmountable problems:Nothing happens hereKorea is mind-numbingly dullI am trying to save moneyI am more negative than positive about KoreaDrinking in Seoul is tantamount to watching paint dryI am starting to hear voicesI am not getting laidOn my understanding, the sine qua non of a successful blog is that it should be witty, informative and insightful. As regards being ins
Easter Madness: Total Drinking, A Total Hangover and some Total Spending 2007-04-09 15:41:00 I hate Easter
. The experience in Korea is equally annoying. The kids were all given Easter eggs but with a Korean twist: rather than receiving chocolate eggs they were all given real, hard-boiled eggs.This was a real kick in the balls because my classroom has no windows and therefore no ventilation. Can you imagine the smell after each class of ten students had eaten their eggs? Multiply that smell by seven (I had seven classes) and you can imagine what I had to deal with.At the end of the day the entire school reeked of soiled nappies. I reeked of soiled nappies. I wont even mention the eggshells that were everywhere. Only in Korea....However, on a more positive note I was paid which, coupled with the fact that I was seeing someone I used to work with for his farewell leaving party, guaranteed some TotalDrinking
was in store.We arranged to meet at a Korean singing room. I hate Korean singing rooms. Basically, they're karaoke rooms where you sing and get rated at the end of y Read more:Madness
, Spending
Korea Reconsidered (pt I) 2007-04-10 17:25:00 Having just passed the two month stage since I arrived in Korea
, I think it's time for a considered and honest appraisal of my time here thus far.Surprisingly, it hasn't been as painful as I first envisaged (although I suspect that's due to the Prozac I'm injecting on an hourly basis). That said, I would board the next available flight if the funds would permit it. Alas, they don't.My first stint here culminated in what, in retrospect, was nothing short of a depressive breakdown. Having been living the dream in south east Asia, I arrived in Korea with an open mind. Needless to say it was a kick in the balls to discover that an open mind is the one thing that Korean folk don't have.Rather than immediately ridicule Korea and all that sail in her (too easy), I've decided in the interest of a more balanced view to list all the things that I love about Korea. They are as follows:The fact that I will be leaving here in under seven months.My new coworker (she's stunning).My stu
Korea: The Album !! 2007-04-12 04:50:00 I'm addicted to music. Always have been and always will be. My record collection, which is currently distributed here, there and everywhere, is much sort after. My addiction manifests itself in many ways: I awake to music; I listen to music on my way to work; I listen to music at school before the students arrive; I listen to music between classes, much to the amusement of the kids ("foreigner music!!"). Finally, I listen to music when drifting off to sleep (or when I pass out unconscious).This made me reflect on the songs that I think best encapsulate what it's like to live and work in Korea
. I've previously pondered this issue before on an EFL teaching forum and my original post generated much response (I have included some suggestions). I have therefore decided to share my thoughts with you.If there was ever an album released that summed up life as an expat teacher here in Korea, you can guarantee the following would make the shortlist:'I Cant Get No Satisfaction' - The Roll Read more:Album
The Definitive Guide To Getting Laid In Korea 2007-04-15 06:20:00 I'm not sure whether such a document exists, but if it does and you have a copy then please send it to me as a matter of urgency. I'm willing to pay hard currency.The situation concerning the ladies - or lack thereof - has now officially reached crisis point.More soon. Read more:Guide
, Korea
ANOTHER Fatal Attraction 2007-04-13 14:51:00 It would seem that once more, I'm a key-player in yet another fatal attraction.Moreover, I'm pleased to announce that this time it's a woman. No shit. About fucking time, too. And timely, I must say.In all honesty, I should of seen this one coming. Even though I have only seen the woman in question a few times, the more I think about it all the classic signs of a fatal attraction were present when we first met:Inability to get words out without stutteringShynessImmature gigglingBlushingInappropriate eye contactInappropriate eye contact with inappropriate parts of the bodyAs opposed to the school caretaker who, in retrospect, slowly fell in love with me (can you blame him?), this particular episode really does have all the classic ingredients of a fatal attraction. For instance, we have only spoken (in Korean) on a few occassions, and those conversations have been limited to the following:Me: "How are you?"Her: "Fine. You?"As sad as this sounds, I really would like to get laid Read more:Fatal
, Attraction
The Korean Money Trap 2007-04-16 17:51:00 It was my original intention to stay in Korea for six months only, thereby giving me time to raise enough funds so that I could choose life, choose Cambodia and choose Total Spending.Because I arrived here with no money, I've had to do a fair bit of Total Borrowing. I've paid a few people but there are others still waiting in line (no pushing to the front of the queue, you'll just have to wait patiently for your turn).I'm now two months into my tenure, and in keeping with the philosophy of this blog, I've yet to save a penny. I do, however, have some new clothes and a shiny new piece of electrical equipment with the word Vaio written on it. That said, and as everyone keeps reminding me, it will eventually get sold for peanuts when I'm piss poor and in the gutter. I digress.A six month contract in Korea is unusual, and I'm kissing goodbye a fair few financial perks by not working a full year. Said perks would be paid on top of my final pay cheque. This is something I'm wi Read more:Korean
, Money
Why It Sucks To Be Korean: A View from The Philippines 2007-04-15 18:06:00 Anyone who is employed as a teacher in Korea knows that Korean
kids don't have it particularly good. 'Life' is simply a series of lessons ranging from music to English.Indeed, a typical day will entail a lesson of some description at around 8am (usually music), followed by a stint at a public school and then finally, further study at a private institution.More often than not, their day will finish around 9pm. Saturday's are also spent studying at some institution or other. Sunday's are usually ring-fenced for homework.My friend, Magnus, is currently teaching Korean kids in the Philippines
. We had the good fortune of meeting last year in Vietnam. Indeed, the last time I saw him he advised me that he had consumed way too much whiskey, passed out, and awoke on the beach that morning to discover that his wallet and camera had been stolen. Total Drinking. Needless to say we are still in contact.He sent me the following email and with his permission, I have published it below. It
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