Owner: Flibbertigibbet ~ Better Living Through Snarcasm ~ URL:kikiwalter@blogspot.com Join Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2008 15:17:26 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Dorothy Parker meets David Sedaris. A saucy, snarklicious view of the world and the people in it. Everything from political commentaries to the humorist's take on a closeted grocery store deli counter chicken binge. Hilarity ensues. Sometimes. Site statistics:Click here
Sarah Palin Can Kiss My Grits! 2008-10-09 15:48:27 As featured on www.funnynotslutty.com (October 1, 2008)Check this shit out.After hours – hell, days – of “political” research, heated diatribes revolving around my Palinthetic conspiracy theory beliefs (read: truths), and nurturing my admitted obsession with the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, I have found a fascinating new comparison to thrust upon the world: Sarah
Palin is Vera f
Coffee & Cigarettes 2008-09-30 17:02:48 They were simpler times.I’d sneak peaks at them from the corner of my living room as I sat there playing with Barbie dolls, usually making them have sex with Ken.The ladies from our neighborhood would strut in through the back door every morning. 1970s. Small town. Unlocked doors. Stay-at-home mothers. That was the fashion, baby. Every day the same, whether it was the neighborhood drunk, t Read more:Coffee
Jumpin' Jehosephat and the Mystery of the Aching Ass Bone. 2008-09-21 12:29:58 I need some serious pointers about how to cure Carpelbumm Syndrome. No, seriously. I can't find a way to sit and type without creating this big black hole in the arch of my lower back and pain emanating up my ass bone. I get too stiff at the table. My patio chairs are great until an ant starts crawling up my leg (which in turns makes me start scratching like a madwoman. They're attacking me, Read more:Mystery
"Incoming!" (How NOT to shave your boss's back) 2008-10-22 13:33:59 I had this job.Yeah, no, I really did.To protect my ass being hauled into court by the slimeball brigade, I will not use real names. Obviously.I had this job.I worked for a celebrity management company (“Lame Inc.”) as a marketing/public relations executive. I was initially hired as an assistant, and quickly discovered that the gig wasn’t quite so glamorous. For the most part, we whored ou Read more:shave
Bruce and the Flying Horseradish. (The Stepford Chronicles Continued...) 2008-10-20 23:58:43 I flaked.This is not an uncommon occurrence with me. For as long as I can remember, I have been notorious for my inability to keep a commitment. Birthday party? Surrrre, I’ll be there. Drinks? Oh, yeah I’m there. Party? Absolutely. And then…laziness and television beckon. Or hair washing. I’ve always tried to pass this off with batting my eyelashes and pretending to be cute. And I de Read more:Bruce
, Flying
Finding Bruce Vilanch (or "How to Dodge a Barbie"). 2008-10-15 19:39:49 Ever have one of those days where you feel like Alice in Wonderland, trapped in a surreal dream state of a world chasing rabbits, talking to invisible cats and ducking queens who want to decapitate you? One of those days where your mind is traveling faster than your body in a fashion one can only liken to an acid trip, and where one moment you are big, then small, then big, and everything seems c Read more:Barbie
, Bruce
, Dodge
Disco in the Red Room. 2008-11-22 17:27:37 The Red Room was in the attic of the big yellow haunted house on Frederick Street.I was 11 years old. My mother had left my dad a couple years prior and we eventually found ourselves living in this old apartment-converted home, complete with a couple spooky rooftop towers and the very creepy attic. Mom, my stepfather “Ron”, my brother “Jay”, my cat Dusty, and me. Jay and I shared a bedro
Better Living Through Jiffy Lube 2008-11-15 20:12:09 It was just another manic Saturday. The kind from which dreams are made of.No seriously, it was one of those days where you realize you have become a middle-aged bore with nothing better to do on a weekend than slip into errands of domestic despair such as: Target. Car repairs. Grocery shopping. And my forte, avoiding housework.The valleys and canyons were again fraught with Santa Ana begot wildf Read more:Living
Better Living Through Gin and Tonic 2008-11-14 03:59:25 “We saw Neil Diamond in concert, and he was terrrrrific. He is very sexy in his leather slacks.”It haunts my dreams.I suffer from intolerable insomnia. You know, we all do at times. And your mind races, and you sweat, and drool, and watch things like ventriloquists on television in the middle of the night and you don’t know why. One night, during this exercise, mid-drool, for whatever reas Read more:Living
, Tonic
Big Red Walking: The Breakup. 2008-11-07 21:54:26 It was a day of great sorrow when I abandoned her.The hurt I caused as I cut her free was disconcerting, disturbing, and filled my heart with conflict.Some may say, “What the fork are you doing, yo?” I shrug, I make one of those apologetic ehhhhh faces, I shrug again.Some may also say, “Why would you do that to yourself? It’s who you are. It’s how I’ve always known you. You'll want t Read more:Walking
It's a Stay Puft World. 2008-12-20 18:05:03 It was a pitch that set the neighborhood dogs off into a fit of howling.From my cocoon of blankets I heard, “a package! A package! We got a package!”Hmm. We must have a package, I thought.I’d been hiding away from the world in a fetal position, continuing my life-long quest against the wrath of the itsy-bitsy, unrelenting migraine men living inside my head.“Aaaaaaaaaaaaa PACK.AGE!”Holy Read more:World
Stalker Barbie, Tummy Tucks, and Me. 2008-12-18 18:57:34 "What really bothers me about being pregnant is that my $11,000 tummy tuck is fucked."Pardon my French, but is she for real? No, seriously, is.she.for.real?All had been quiet on the Stepford front, but it was bound to be a matter of time before visions of her orange mystic tan danced in my head.With a couple months passing, I hoped that she had long forgotten me. But, no. I walked into the party Read more:Barbie
, Stalker
, Tucks
, Tummy
Better Living as Clark Griswold. 2008-12-13 14:51:36 On one day you wallow in your frailties, basking in the glow of self-pity.And on another day, you strut your cocky stuff. You know what want. Who you want. Where you want to go, and how it's going to be done. Be what it is, you took lead and you got the work done. Thumbs up, golf claps and a big fat hoorah for you!I have fond memories of going out with Dad to pick up the Christmas tree. Not to Read more:Clark
, Living
Manny the Mouse Creamed by Woman Claiming to be Don Knotts (Boy and cat nowhere to be seen). 2008-12-13 13:08:08 There are moments in life that contradict your core. There are moments of surprise, and there are moments of the bizarre. And moments that have personally left me as skittish as Don Knotts on speed.I have me what some people would call, well, big brass balls. At times I possess the character quirks one might generalize to men, and I kind of dig being a tough broad. However, I’m also very girlie Read more:Manny
, Mouse
So Flaky! 2008-12-06 18:42:13 I can be gregarious.I can be sullenly silent.Either way, observant. Watching, studying, taking internal notes. It's my job.There are recollections of things said that make me burst out laughing when I’m alone, watching television or in the shower, lying awake in bed, mid-conversation, trying to work, eating dinner.For this reason alone, holidays excite me. Anxiety tends to stunt a fondness for
Better Living Through Taco Bell 2008-12-04 10:20:07 There is no denying my fascination with food. This gift of culinary “je ne sais quois” has provided me endless hours of entertainment. I give you the retelling of a summertime fiesta gone wrong, as originally written to The Rockstar, who readily agreed—upon hearing that I experienced this same phenomenon yet again—that it's my duty to bring awareness to the world on this very delicate issu Read more:Living
Why I’m not as Dumb as I Pretend to be. 2008-11-25 17:11:39 We all had our “awkward” phases.Mine snuck in behind my back when I was in the 4th grade, and life seemed to be straight out of a Judy Blume book.My parents were freshly separated, and we lived in a decrepit little apartment on Prospect Street, which never seemed to have heat. Not only that, but we had moved across town. I would be attending a new school come fall.In a matter of months I had
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