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Future's so bright 2008-10-07 13:15:25 No, this is not an ornament, although hanging one on your holiday tree might not be the worst idea you ever had. It’s certainly festive, and has every right to be. Maybe you can’t party like there’s no tomorrow, but this little golden nugget can. It's the Wu Lou of Longevity, whose interior is believed to hold the elixir of health and vitality. But not so fast, Grasshopper. You’ll lose all Read more:Future
Forget chill pills 2008-10-06 08:42:07 Do Monday mornings keep sneaking up on you, usually finding you in your most vulnerable and least-prepared state? Even when you don’t do a lot over the weekend, you feel extremely drained and are an unwilling participant in your day. And this is before the week even kicks into medium gear.One of our current top ten scapegoats in the “lousy quality of life” department is lack of relaxation. I Read more:pills
Light bulb moments 2008-10-05 16:04:22 We decided to go shopping for a new lamp for the room in our house that I refer to as the den, but that my better half calls his man cave. We want the room to be lit as dimly and softly as possible, and all the lamps we own produce light that’s too harsh and glaring for the desired atmosphere in the den/man cave. We wanted more of a glowing effect than anything actually utilitarian; relatively i
The girl with the most cake 2008-10-05 15:42:46 You know you’ve been meaning to pick up a bag of doll parts, and we’ve made it easier for you by narrowing it down to the two most vital doll components: heads and arms. The heads come mounted on wires, and the arms are about half the size of the heads, so the resulting dolls might look sort of disproportionate, not to mention lacking other vital body parts, like legs, torsos and necks. But wh
Stupid Cupid/Pre-Halloween Special #4 2008-10-04 09:52:04 Spread some Halloween
love. This costume comes with a mini fat suit—we won’t even start to enumerate its other possible uses, but there are so many of them that we felt comfortable leaving out the wig and sandals. You do, however, get the bow and arrow, the heart-covered wings (again, products that you’ll undoubtedly use again and again all year long), the tunic and the sash (which imparts a Read more:Cupid
, Special
, Stupid
Elite feet treat 2008-10-04 09:26:05 As we’ve mentioned before, there’s nothing like having to deal with weak or sensitive toes; it’s truly an unfortunate experience. Something as insubstantial as a blanket can feel like a dropped cannonball, rendering a restful night of recuperative sleep nearly impossible. This condition is a direct reversal of the Princess and the Pea complex, commonly referred to as prissiness. Here's some Read more:Elite
, treat
Have a fatwoody weekend 2008-10-03 09:44:24 It’s that wonderful time of year when we’re all caught up in a heady mixture of cider-pressing, hay rides, leaf raking, and gathering wood for those cozy winter evenings by the fireplace. At least that’s how it used to be. These days the focus has shifted—fall is football season, the rest be damned. There’s cider at the grocery store, you own a leaf blower, hay makes you sneeze, and you
I'm OK, you're OK 2008-10-02 08:01:04 Assuage, or at least diminish, your fears of being caught off guard by an alien invasion with the UFO detector.Next time you encounter any being seemingly not of this world, subject him/her/it to its powers of detection. The device senses disturbances in both magnetic and electromagnetic fields, and if you know the difference between the two, you’re a geek.When the detector beeps, you’ve encou
Light a single candle 2008-10-01 11:09:18 Feeling a little blue? Or maybe you’re in kind of a life rut these days, or worse. Maybe you’re barely able to drag yourself from bed to work and back, finding nothing particularly sparky or compelling, miserably eking out a subsistence existence, your only companions loneliness, angst, and sadness. You’re asking yourself existential questions and sporadically bursting into tears. You can’ Read more:single
I never had to babysit again 2008-10-01 06:40:55 “Good night, Bobby, don’t let the bedbugs bite. I’m going to turn off the overhead light now.”“But, Auntie, I’m afraid of the dark.”“You won’t have to be any more, Bobby. I bought you a surprise yesterday. Want me to go get it?”“Yes!” (eager bed bouncing and sound of retreating footsteps)(sound of footsteps returning)“Okay, Bobby, I’ve got it right here. Hold on a secon
Smells like nirvana 2008-09-30 14:37:37 We all know what Jesus looked like from the many portraits he sat for during his lifetime, but have you ever wondered what Jesus smelled like? Now you can not only look good for Jesus, but also wear a scent that he’s fond of, Jerusalem Perfume. It comes with a certificate of authenticity (Jesus’ seal of approval, which he doesn’t give to many products), and contains the e Read more:Smells
An alternative 2008-09-27 10:27:49 When diet and exercise aren’t working, when you’ve tried every pill, gimmick, gadget and trendy exercise regime out there and you’re still packing on the pounds, here’s an honest-to-goodness sure-fire way to take care of the problem without spending all kinds of crazy cash. It’s about time! What is it, you ask? It’s a laparoscopic gastric bypass kit—contrary to popular opinion, you d
Pull up a chair 2008-09-26 17:22:09 Nothing says Saturday like spending a few hours of absolute relaxation in your favorite easy chair, which would be Dr. Riter’s Ergo Chair if you had one. The chair encourages, nay, insists upon, proper posture, and strengthens both abdominal and back muscles while in use—more of the multi-tasking required of all good twenty-first century products. And don’t we all like to buy things that can
Have a three-day weekend 2008-09-26 08:58:09 The best thing about Dr. Brody’s Weekend Whitening System is that it takes three days to work, so you’ll be getting an automatic three-day weekend pass along with your proof of purchase. The next best thing about it is that both step one (the accelerator mouth rinse) and step two (the actual weekend whitener) are comprised primarily of alcohol. Also, the instructions insist that you repeat eac
Have an adventurous weekend 2008-09-26 08:57:48 This is the perfect time of year to spend some time re-acquainting oneself with Mother Nature, bonding with all the trees and fresh air and rude people. Get out there and do some hiking, or rock climbing, or round up some friends and play football. As my mother always used to say, “It’s a beautiful day. Now, get off the couch and go outside.”You get the concept, even its wisdom, but you rare
Face the face 2008-09-25 12:29:07 Here’s a product that takes facial care to an expansive cerulean plateau. It firms your “lazy skin.” That’s right, you’ve got lazy skin; it’s not that you’re getting older and losing collagen, despite what they said on “Body In Numbers.” It’s that your skin has decided it’s break time and is slacking, slouching and slinking its way downhill. Fast. Plug t
Pull yourself together 2008-09-24 13:20:33 The Serenity Kit comes with a set of small wind chimes and a book of calming, zen-like quotations. If you already bought the indoor wind chimes, the serenity is potentially limitless, like a Mobius strip of ongoing tranquility. If this brings you serenity, you’re head and shoulders above the crowd in the inner peace department. I know some people (when I say some, I’m referring to the vast maj Read more:together
Manly, yes, but I like it, too 2008-09-24 08:59:45 You can practically smell the rich, Corinthian leather and feel the sultry weight of the Small Leather Man Purse Hip Bag Waist Pouch or UMPC Case Spooran They'll Fight Over When You're Dead as it dangles from your shoulder. Give in to the temptation. You’ve tried holding out. You’ve worn baggy pants with huge pockets and oversized safari-like jackets to transport all your man-gear around. You Read more:Manly
If you got 'em 2008-09-24 08:58:53 So, you haven’t managed to quit the habit, or possibly you’ve just taken it up. In either case, you’re probably noticing that your smoking is heavily restricted and increasingly compromised at every turn, and it’s only getting worse. With colder months approaching, you’re dreading—or possibly already experiencing—those chilling and humiliating cigarette breaks, as you hunker down mis
Samurai Armor/Pre-Halloween Costume #7 2008-09-24 08:57:29 We realize that many of you don’t want to expose yourselves in any kind of way on Halloween
. Maybe you’re out of shape enough that showing any skin is out of the question. Or you're too secure in your masculinity to resort to shamelessly flaunting your physique. Or possibly you live in a colder climate, where by late October a mankini or cupid costume would be unthinkable without a cashmere pa Read more:Armor
, Halloween Costume
, Samurai
Borat Mankini/Pre-Halloween Special #6 2008-09-24 08:54:40 For the more daring—and there are so many of you!—the Borat
mankini is selling like hotcakes. We suspect it’s going to be doing some heavy duty on more than just Halloween
night. This could be a good time to pull out your chest wig for that truly hirsute, masculine touch. Make sure you’re really working the room in this costume. Drop things like your pen, and slowly bend way over to retrie Read more:Special
Hillbilly Costume/Pre-Halloween Special #5 2008-09-24 08:54:13 If you’re the rugged outdoorsman type, try the Men’s Funny Adult Hillbilly Costume Redneck Overalls and Hat Beer Belly White Trash Party Outfit (hat included, beer sold separately). You might also want to consider your mullet wig cap for this ensemble. Spend most of the evening sitting down, your beer bottle balancing precariously on your gut while you do you some whittlin’, some spittin’ Read more:Halloween
, Special
Just Hangin' Around Shorts/Pre-Halloween Special #3 2008-09-24 08:53:13 Oh, yeah. If your idea of a good Halloween
party involves having everyone’s eyes on your crotch (or thereabouts), this is the costume that best suits your temperament, or at least one of the top contenders. We recommend doing a lot of jumping around like a runner warming up, or a lot of early-morning-like stretches. At all times you must appear to be completely unaware of the massive plastic scr Read more:Hangin
, Just Hangin
, Shorts
, Special
Cymbal Monkey Costume/Pre-Halloween Special #2 2008-09-24 08:52:34 The hard part’s going to be holding your face in this position most of the evening, but if you can pull that off and maintain at least the semblance of a monkeylike stance, you’ll be a dead ringer for the real thing:Make it even more realistic by putting some élan and enthusiasm into your time as a cymbal-playing monkey; become the monkey as thoroughly as possible, with all your simian heart. Read more:Halloween
, Special
Have a weekend of great sex 2008-10-31 07:09:58 This kit sounds great, promising a most fabulous weekend, until you realize it’s really just a book and some melted candy. Then maybe your enthusiasm level dwindles. Mine did. I mean, reading is a wonderful activity, heartily endorsed for all the right reasons, but it kind of gets in the way of that potential weekend of great sex that was just dangled in front of me. How about if I
We're all wasted 2008-10-30 07:08:40 Expand your carbon footprint by purchasing a cup holder for your juice box, bag or can, which was already doing a relatively okay job of containing that corn syrup and dye. It even comes with an extra straw, which you can insert inside the straw that came with the juice container for even more landfill points. When you’re finished, throw everything away. You probably also use paper plates, wastr
Salt of the earth and then some 2008-10-29 10:53:25 Remember when everyone’s kitchen had the blue Morton salt container with the umbrella girl, and salt was just salt? Me, too, but salt hired a really good P.R. team and within the past few years it’s done a condimendible transformation. Every cook recommends a different salt and turns up his or her nose at all the other sub-standard salts, whereas some of us in the tastebud-deprived category fe
Something to believe in 2008-10-28 09:56:47 When your life gets derailed, and it will, revivify and get back on track with a dropper-full of soul purpose. Maybe you’ve been going through the motions, doing what appear to be most of the right things (and only a few of the deliciously wrong ones), minding your own business, yet there’s something missing. You sense an irascible void that sometimes cries out for fulfillment at the most inop Read more:believe
Make the most of it 2008-10-27 13:11:05 You probably find going to work a hellish endurance test; studies show that as many as most of us dislike our jobs intensely and resent their intrusion upon our real lives. And even if you are enjoying yourself, you should be multi-tasking, just like your favorite products, and doing double-duty while you’re grinding away in that hamster wheel. Life’s too short not to be maximi
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