Owner: Attack of The Redneck Mommy URL:http://theredneckmommy.com Join Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2007 20:36:25 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Just now figuring out why my fondness for Kraft dinner and my penchant for potty talk doesn't make me a candidate for mother of the year. Site statistics:Click here
Magical Christmas Concerts 2007-12-14 10:18:13 ‘Tis the season to be merry. Or so someone once said. Obviously said person was never forced to sit in an overheated school gymnasium with three hundred or more hacking, sniffing and slightly suspect people while a high school band assaults your ear drums with it’s rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy.”
My ears are still ringing.
I used to love the kid’s school concerts, especially the one at Christmas
time. What is more merry than watching a horde of five year olds scan the crowd, pick their noses and sing off key? Inevitably, there was always one girl who tried to pull her dress over her head while she fidgeted and one boy who fell off the back of the bleachers while poking his buddy standing beside him.
Usually they were my kids.
Now that Fric and Frac are older the concerts are decidedly less entertaining. It’s less about scanning the crowd and waving wildly to their over-proud and camera-wielding parents and more about remembering the words so Read more:Magical
Grab a Transfer 2007-12-12 10:26:27
I’m over here today. Go on, click over. Pretty please. Don’t make me beg.
Swing on by and read a little raciness.
It’ll bring some holiday cheer into your lives.
Like standing under the mistletoe. With me.
Magic Moments 2007-12-25 00:27:47 There are many things I love about the season of Christmas. The food, the company and all the sparkly decorations strewn about. I can over look the massive consumerism and commercialization of a holy event and even the hordes of cranky shoppers, because I see the magic of this time of year.
What I hate about Christmas is the fact my children expect me to have a personality transplant and morph into Ms. Molly Homemaker. A woman who suddenly wears an apron and pulls freshly baked edible goodies out of the oven while wearing a smile.
Apparently it isn’t quite as festive if you are cursing about not watching the time while the smoke detector is screaming and a haze of acrid smoke wafts through the air.
But I love my kids, and I wanted them to have some sort of home-making type of memory with me. (This way when they are deciding to whether to place me in the fancy, licensed seniors home or the shady, back alley discount one, I can play the home making mother card.) So I bought a g Read more:Moments
, Magic
Snooping Has It’s Own Rewards 2008-03-10 11:49:33 I have written before how toilet training wreaks havoc on a parent’s soul and challenges a grown up like no other singular parental event except for maybe finding out your 14 year old child not only stole your car but fornicated with the neigbour’s 13 year old and then dealt weed to their [...] Read more:Rewards
Nightmare on Redneck Road 2008-03-07 12:48:05 I have a dream.
Oh wait. I’m not Dr. King.
I had a dream. And it wasn’t a pleasant dream. This isn’t particularly unusual for me. I tend to have nightmares regularly since my son flew the coop. But last night’s dream was worse. It was so vivid and clear. I woke up disoriented and sweaty [...] Read more:Nightmare
, Redneck
The Leaning Tower of Politics 2008-03-05 10:33:48 Growing up, my parents stressed the importance of voting and exercising your civic duty upon my impressionable mind. They made a big deal of elections and when I finally turned 18 and could cast my first ballot, they drove me to the voting station and proudly watched as I marked my very first X.
I don’t [...] Read more:Tower
I See Dead People 2008-03-03 11:52:05 After springing new bedroom furniture and a depleted bank balance on my unsuspecting husband, I had some making up to do. I mean it’s not every weekend a man travels great distances to come home in the middle of the night to find two strange men in his bedroom with his wife.
Even if they were [...]
Furniture Cluster#uck 2008-02-29 12:12:01 My husband and I married when we were very young. We married so young not only because we were madly in lust love with one another, but after already birthing one baby and being five months pregnant with the next, my father was polishing his shotgun and starting to use Boo’s picture for target practice.
Dad [...] Read more:Furniture
Big Love 2008-03-12 10:03:10 I like to keep a clean house. Keep in mind my version of a ‘clean house’ is a loose definition. Very loose. This means that on the weekends I put my slaves kids to work to clean the bathrooms, their rooms, dust the furniture and vacuum while I sit on my computer and blog.
Heh [...] Read more:Big Love
The Naked Truth 2008-03-14 11:14:16 Yesterday, I had a parent-teacher meeting with my darling Fric’s teacher. While she is excelling in her academics and frightening me with her emotional and intellectual wisdom, she has been having problems with bullying.
As in those mean little beyotches at school are making my first born miserable.
My first reaction is to storm into the school, [...] Read more:Truth
My Man KNOWS How to Treat a Lady 2008-03-17 11:52:19 Remember back in the days when you were younger and there was a book or album or pair of acid washed jeans that you just had to have and your parents refused to buy for you? You would argue with them and then flop down on the couch in a state of despair and [...]
Meatloaf…The Answer to A Parent’s Prayers 2008-03-19 10:42:01 As every day passes it is becoming more and more obvious that I am completely unprepared for the teenage trials and tribulations that lay before us.
My son recently sprouted two hollow legs, hoovering food and anything else not nailed down and all of his pants are starting to look like capris with inches of ankle [...] Read more:Meatloaf
, Parent
Phone Manners 2008-03-21 12:49:28 As an adult, I have never been terribly fond of the telephone. Sure, it’s a handy invention to have, especially when I find my ass trapped in a snowbank and I’m literally spinning my tires, but more often than not I find the telephone rings when ever the husband and I are getting our romance [...] Read more:Manners
Dear Self 2008-03-24 12:12:55 Note to self:
When your handsome and delightfully thoughtful husband surprises you with an unexpected over-the-top romantic gesture while you are sitting on the couch in a stained tee shirt, grubby sweats and your hair resembling something insects may call home, perhaps it is in your best interest to can the smart talk and look directly [...]
Hall of Fame Hair 2008-03-26 13:42:45 The other day as I was getting my jacket on and getting ready to leave, my daughter came around the corner and asked me where I was going.
“I’m leaving to get my hair done,” I answered as I bent over to slip on my shoes.
“Oh no!” She moaned.
“What do you mean, oh no?” I asked. [...]
Be Amazed 2008-03-28 11:09:42 My family and I know better than most that life can change in the blink of an eye. You know, burying small children and pulling chisels out of eyes and that sort of thing.
Yet I am constantly surprised and amazed by the fragility and beauty our lives hold, even during our most mundane moments.
The sheer [...]
Oh the DRAMA! 2008-03-31 11:47:20 Every morning I wake up shooting rainbows and moonbeams out of my arse and my offspring are the very definition of happy, well-adjusted children who could easily be mistaken for any of the kids on the Brady Bunch. (Minus the 70’s hair.)
Really. It’s like this every morning. If you believe this, I have a [...]
Saying Goodbye 2008-04-02 09:37:50 Today I’m burying my friend.
Well, okay. I’m not actually burying her. It’s not like I’m going to take a shovel and start digging. Let’s face it. I’m too lazy for that, no matter how much I loved Loreen.
But I will be there to say my final goodbyes to a well-respected and beloved friend. Who also [...] Read more:Goodbye
In the Gutter 2008-04-07 12:22:11 I want to say last week was an easy one. But that would be lying. And since I still have memories of standing in the corner with my nose pressed against the wall while trying to figure out just how my mom knew it was me who drank the peach schnapps and tried to replace [...]
Voices…They Follow Me Where Ever I go. 2008-04-09 11:16:19 I love kids.
Or at least that is what my heart tells my brain. My brain likes to remind my heart that I only love kids who are well behaved and don’t resemble future psychopath’s. Kids who play quietly in the corner while keeping their fingers out of their noses. Kids who are potty trained.
My [...] Read more:Voices
My Redneck Road Trip 2008-04-11 12:54:01 By now, the world knows (or should know) of Bossy and her fabulous road trip. How cool of an idea is that? Travel the lands and meet all your fellow bloggers, a few stalkers and a handful of perverts (because everyone on the internet is completely SANE) as you make your way down [...] Read more:Redneck
Tanis Tours Toronto 2008-04-15 10:53:21 I’m a shy gal. Oh, I know, I talk a good game, but when push comes to shove, I am nothing but that stringy haired, knobby kneed little girl who is afraid to be picked last for a game of kick ball at recess.
With that in mind, I was trying really hard to block out [...] Read more:Tours
, Toronto
The Truck Got Stuck 2008-04-17 10:25:28 I’m not a girly girl. Or at least I never used to be. I was once the very definition of a tom boy. Climbing trees and playing football in the mud was more my style.
Then suddenly I grew up, had babies and found more appropriate ways to spend my time than rolling around in [...] Read more:Truck
, Stuck
How I Narrowly Escaped the Clink 2008-04-18 12:19:08 ***Long post but true story. I have the cuff marks to prove it. Wink, wink.***
It’s never been a life long goal of mine to see the inside of a prison cell. Call me crazy but I enjoy my freedom. I like to know that if I bend over to pick up a bar of soap [...]
Mirror, Mirror On the Wall 2008-04-21 12:57:21 I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I’m trying to adopt a child.
Heh.
Besides having been dragged through the mud personally and been made to face my own personal demons as well as those of my husbands and children, this process has been decidedly delightful.
If you believe that, well, I also want you [...]
Here’s a Hint 2008-04-23 12:22:03 I look forward to Boo coming home. Really, I do. It’s nice to have a man around to hold me take out the garbage.
But now that he’s home, I wouldn’t mind seeing the tail lights of his car drive down my driveway as he hits the road.
My loving husband is driving me nuts.
Between fighting him [...]
I Keep My Dignity In a Bag 2008-04-25 12:34:19 I figure there are two types of women in this world. Those who carry a purse and those who don’t.
I’m not a purse type of gal. I think I was scarred at a young age by the sheer weight of my grandmother’s enormous purse. She always had enough loose change at the bottom of her [...]
Middle Child Madness 2008-04-28 12:08:38 Growing up, I had to share a room for most of my childhood with my delightful younger sister. Note, when I say delightful I am referring to her NOW, as a grown up.
Back then, she was a big pain in my ass.
Back then, her version of being delightful was going out of her way [...] Read more:Madness
The Word of the Day is FORGIVENESS 2008-04-30 11:31:47 In ten days I will have been married for eleven years. I have been looking at the same dirty socks strewn about for over a decade. I have been nagging at the same man to pick his wet towel off the bathroom floor for 4015 days.
Not that I’ve been counting or anything. I’m just really [...]
Mom Speak 2008-05-02 12:00:17 As a child, when I wasn’t being stuffed into lockers for being such a tool geek, or running around endlessly on a circular track trying to chase my teenaged demons, one could usually find me with my nose in a book.
The books I tended to like the most were the ones written in different languages [...]
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