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The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode VII: Blunderstone 2007-04-02 11:59:00 The alarm clock rings and you jump out of bed full of excitement, even though you have any managed to scramble three hours of sleep. It’s 6:35 and you only left the office at three, working on Frank’s stupid precedents (yes, like all things in banking, they took longer to complete than you expected).
You have a shower, get dressed and buy yourself a triple shot cappuccino in the Costa coffee on Read more:Episode
Mont Blanc and the BPM 2007-03-28 12:00:00 You are by now well aware of the fact that i-bankers don’t make much sense. They talk the talk, and rely on their BPM to dazzle their audience into believing that they have something very meaningful, something profound to say. Looking closer at the BPM, it consists of two parameters:
Parameter 1 = bullshit
Parameter 2 = time
Bullshit in its own right is insufficient to daze the audience and
Reading the morning paper 2007-03-27 10:20:00 You’re in the tube on your way to work, and you open your copy of the New York Times. Not because you want to know what is going on in the US market, not because you are interested in what the Fed is going to do next week, not because you are working on a US deal so you need to be up to speed. You want to appear more American. The firm has brought in a new executive director from New York and he Read more:Reading
, paper
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode V: Fireworks (Frank vs. Rupert) 2007-03-26 12:06:00 Bankers are very much used to talking to an uninterested audience and all of Frank
s questions are beginning to get Rupert
suspicious.
“Why is he actually interested in what I’m saying?”
He asks himself again and again. He cannot understand how this one little meaningless company can be so interesting. He was only trying to sound smart and fill the long meeting with some smart sounding comments Read more:Episode
, Fireworks
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga - Episode IV: The Mexican Standoff (Frank vs. Rupert) 2007-03-23 14:57:00 Within seconds of sitting down, frank opens up the presentation in front of him and pages through the table of contents. He hovers over the pages, as Rupert
talks to them, like a hawk, keenly on the lookout for any errors and omissions. His years of investment banking training have given him the ability to spot errors from miles away. You tremble as he flips the pages with his red pen, circling Read more:Episode
, Frank
, Mexican
How i-Banking is like the Wizard of Oz 2007-01-11 12:11:00 It’s Christmas and you’re sitting back home stateside, watching the Wizard
of Oz, and it strikes you that the wonderful world of i-banking is very much like the wonderful wizard of Oz.
DOROTHY:
Dorothy is none other than yours truly, dreaming of a place where there isn’t any trouble. Ok, a little more specifically, dreaming of place where there isn’t any trouble for yours truly. A place where
Meet Henrietta Pizza 2007-01-11 12:11:00 As with every hot shot i-banking department, Rupert’s group is bringing lots of cash for the firm, which translates into Rupert having a disproportional allocation of pretty much anything he wants. This continuum remains until Rupert’s clients realize that his banker’s advice is rubbish and that they’re better off banking with another firm. Worry not for Rupert though, because it takes clients a Read more:Pizza
Christmas Time in the City 2007-01-11 12:10:00 Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s Christmas
time in the city and the admin staff is busy trying to find a venue for the department’s Christmas dinner. The dinner is a big event where Rupert shelves out a load of cash (carves out a portion of the department’s entertainment budget provided by the firm) and invites everyone in the department to a boozy dinner followed by a bar and club night.
You relish the fact Read more:Christmas Time
Sanity check 2006-11-24 11:33:00 Its 9am and you see sitting in the boardroom of ScrewedCo, surrounded by Rupert, Rob and Dirk, a managing director from the Holland office. Dirk is a funny animal. The reason he is in this meeting is because he knows the CEO through social circles in Amsterdam. In fact, Dirk doesn't have a clue as to why we are seeing ScrewedCo.
You sent him the presentation at 4am, just when you sent it to the Read more:Sanity
Living the (fucking) dream... 2006-11-16 20:57:00 It's a tick before 3AM, the i-banker standard switchoff time. A common misconception in the outside world is that i-bankers are like the Energizer bunny - they just keep going and going and goin. Well, unlike the energizer bunny who eventually gives up and gets a recharge, an i-banker (naturally this is solely the privilege of those sould working for a reputable first tier institution) does not Read more:Living
, fucking
How lucky are you? 2006-11-13 11:17:00 Ok rock star. So you've been around the block. You've pulled your own Rob Tucker. You've done more all nighters than you thought were possible. You've become Rupert's buy and yes, you're back from the dead to tell the tale. You have added so much value to clients - if your value added were to be piled up, the mountain of shit would be taller than the Canary Wharf Tower. You are one important test Read more:lucky
Why do you want to be an i-banker (3 months down the line)? 2006-11-07 17:15:00 As you sit in the 9th floor corner conference, gazing blankly at the people leaving their offices at 5PM in the streets below, with the speaker phone blasting out the sharp, jargon loaded bankerspeak, of an MD from the New York office, you think back at the days when you were still applying for a slice of the action you are so deeply plugged into now (or is it plugged into you - you can't ever
Pearls of wisdom 2006-11-06 18:23:00 You have been with the bank for almost three whole months when Rupert’s secretary comes over to your desk, asking you whether your diary is for lunch on Wednesday. Rather than replying “you should know – you’re my secretary too”, you check your diary, and notice that your diary is free all day.
Like a lightning bolt, the rules of posturing flash in front of your eyes, and you reply that you don’ Read more:Pearls
The ASSociate 2006-11-03 12:24:00 You know a big fat brownie has landed right in your lap when you get an email like this:
From: Moran, Seth (IBD)
Sent: 27 October 2006 16:07
To: Moncrieff, Michael (IBD)
Cc: McDermott, Mary (IBD)
Subject: Presentation for Monday
Michael,
I just spoke to Mary who said you have some capacity to help me with a short follow-on pesentation on Project Magnificent. I specifically asked for you as I
Time = money (or so they will have you think) 2006-11-02 16:54:00 Its 4AM and you are leaving the office. Your can is waiting for you outside the main entrance. You throw your firm standard gym bag into the can and hop in. You have been working 8AM and just want to sleep. After giving the driver instructions, you recline into the back seat and close your eyes. Your headache begins to ease and you begin to feel much better. You do the match in your head as you Read more:think
Posturing - the magic is in the makeup 2006-11-01 11:09:00 You know what posturing is all about. You see everyone around you do it. Rupert is an example in case, with his wide pinstripe suits, Hermes ties that scream “In your face!”, braces that he probably only wears because he saw Gordon Gecko wear them in Wall Street. The know-it-all tone and the over-chewed piping-hot-potato-in-your-mouth English accent are all part of the show. Male i-bankers can’t
Valuation: more art than science, more bullshit than art 2006-10-31 17:14:00 You’re manically tapping away at your keyboard, working on a valuation for Terence Chang, an MD in M&A from the New York office (alarm bells should be ringing when you hear MD, double hard when you hear M&A and off the scale when New York goes on top of that). You’re scared shitless coz everyone says that New York is the shit. They know everything and then some. They are ruthless, and they don’t
Review time (you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours) 2006-10-30 18:56:00 You’ve been around for long enough to participate in the firm’s 360 degree review process. This is where people you have worked with get to review you, saying what you’re good at and what you need to improve on. The beauty of the game is that you also get to review them. HR thought up this sophisticated review system that should make sure that reviews are objective and that juniors are able to
I used to be a nice guy – and now I’m a banker 2006-10-30 16:39:00 It’s the weekend, and by some stroke of luck, you have managed to get your Sunday afternoon free. Nobody’s called you and no emails popped up on your blackberry for a full three hours (you actually called IT and got them to make sure that everything was ok with the company server and that all that important email traffic from your associate wasn’t getting clogged up somewhere between his Read more:nice guy
Taking your i-banker hat off 2006-10-28 22:53:00 A bit of cocky confidence and your fantastic ability to make shit smell like Chanel No.5 (see Working for Rupert McMuppet) gets you invited to pitch with Rupert to Company A, all on the back of your groundbreaking mini combo analysis. Well, actually, you did really try to do the same bit of “what would it look like if Company A tried to buy” every single one of its competitors, but nothing else Read more:Taking
Working for Rupert McMuppet 2006-10-27 11:21:00 Ok. It's your first week on the job and it so totally rocks. You get to hang out with some of the best people in the industry, and the firm is so good, that they make these good times last well into the night! On your first day, you went home at 2AM, and there plenty of investment banking megabrains that enjoyed each other’s company so much, that they stayed even longer! Not only do you hang out Read more:Rupert
The world is your oyster* 2006-10-27 10:23:00 *WARNING: Please ensure you are not allergic to oyster
s.
________________________________________
It's your first day at the firm and you're feeling so damn good about yourself. Damn right man, you're an investment banker now. Master of the universe. Big swinging dick. King of the capital markets. You'll be able to have conversations where when asked about what line of work you're in, you reply
Lunch with Rupert McMuppet 2006-10-26 17:18:00 You sober up from the big milkround event the night before (obviously from the intoxicatingly pleasant conversation of the bankers you met, rather than the plentiful and free flowing alcohol at the Plaza bar, and the afterparty at Po Na Na where you went with your mates after the Plaza, only to bump into a sleazy group of the investment wankers from presentation, who appear to be on the pull). Read more:Rupert
, Lunch
Tailored suits and silk print ties 2006-10-25 19:25:00 You're 20 years old and studying for a business studies (aka bullshit studies) degree on a day like any other on campus, with overcast skies, pouring rain and the odd lecture during the day, except the circus is in town today. It's the start of the milkrounds, the recruiting season for the investment banks, where armies of London based bankers make their way out of town, dressed to impress and
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – Episode VIII: Competence 2007-04-03 18:23:00 You’re back at work in the majestic headquarters of the firm, with your feet firmly planted on your desk, as your phone rings.
“Hello”
“Hi Mike, this is Jennifer from HR.”
Shit! They know. How the fuck can they know you’ve seen Blunderstone. Was it a test? Was it a fake interview organised by HR to test your loyalty to the firm? Does the firm have such strong relationships with clients like Read more:Episode
, Competence
A Belated Introduction to Investment Banking 2007-04-06 12:25:00 What is it really that is done in i-banking and what is it really all about? You know that you are in no position to claim to be an authority of any kind on the matter, so you set out answer this very important question by asking seasoned professionals within the firm. You do the rounds, sneaking in the question over a coffee or a Friday 5pm beer, as the you feel is more appropriate. The list of Read more:Introduction
Glossary of Investment Banking 2007-04-10 17:54:00 Analyst
The analyst is the lowest form of life in the banking organization. In a desperate attempt to stop being the lowest for of investment banking existence (remember, interns do not officially exist), analysts are often classified into ranks. Analyst 1 is thus an analyst who has been in banking for one year, Analyst 2 for two and Analyst 3 for three. There are no Analysts 4 in a bull market. Read more:Glossary
The devil is in the detail 2007-04-17 19:33:00 A fellow monkey is confused by a couple of technical questions, so you decide to enlighten them:
1 - Why shouldn’t two companies merge?
Because one is private and the other is public, so the i-bank will make more fees by IPO ing the private one and THEN advising on a takeover: double whammy.
Alternatively, because both companies use your i-bank as an M&A advisor, so if they merge, you'll only
I-banking is like Barbie 2007-04-17 18:38:00 Blunderstone aside, your focus being on a meaningless meeting you have gotten roped into because, frankly, noone else in the firm could be bothered to go, so Gianluca, a smelly director from the media team has roped you into coming in.
The client, a major UK plc has its offices in the centre of town, so you take a black cab only to find that the heavy traffic will get you nowhere. You pay the Read more:banking
, Barbie
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