Owner: The All Nighter URL:http://theallnighter.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2007 11:30:06 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: The tree hopping, tail swinging, pitchbook throwing, tequila drinking and dealbreaking life of an investment banking monkey. Site statistics:Click here
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – IX : Back to Basics… 2007-04-19 16:34:00 As you stare into your computer, a new mail message pops up in the corner of your screen. It’s from Jennifer from HR. Shit, you think to yourself. This reminds you of the call you got from her, thinking she knew about Blunderstone (see The Kurelberg Kretin Saga – Episode VIII: Competence).
Knowing that you’re not going to make the mistake of crediting HR with intelligence for the second time Read more:Basics
The devil is in the detail 2007-04-18 20:24:00 A fellow monkey is confused by a couple of technical questions, so you decide to enlighten them:
1 - Why shouldn’t two companies merge?
Because one is private and the other is public, so the i-bank will make more fees by IPO ing the private one and THEN advising on a takeover: double whammy.
Alternatively, because both companies use your i-bank as an M&A advisor, so if they merge, you'll only
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – XI: How Blunderstone Adds Value 2007-04-20 19:11:00 It’s 8AM. Sharp. You’re sitting in a conference room at Blunderstone’s offices, waiting for your interviewer to come in as you go over the scrap notes on the firm, their investments, and all the press clippings you have read on them over the weekend in your head. You know everything there is to know about Blunderstone.
Say they ask why you want to work for them. You don’t really know, that’s Read more:Value
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – X: Blunerstone Returns 2007-04-20 18:36:00 It’s 4:37 in the afternoon and you get a call on your mobile. Withheld number. You pick it up and hey presto.
“Hi, it’s Rebecca Nicholson from Assbury Moron.”
There’s a positive sounding ring to her voice. You can’t tell if it’s the fact that it’s Friday and she’s already packed her bags and ready to take the Eurostar for a shopping weekend in Paris or whether she has something genuinely Read more:Returns
Sartorial Tutorial 2007-04-22 15:47:00 Waiting for a batch of presentations to print at the print room so you can go home, you scroll BusinessWeek for something worth poking fun at, when you come across an article giving sartorial tips for would be investment banking job candidates.
The article reads that you need to spice up a dark pinstripe and white shirt with a power tie in maroon or red. Being rather taken aback by the fact Read more:Tutorial
What does a Junior Investment Banker do? 2007-04-24 11:31:00 In addition to being on the company brochure, you get asked to present in front of a group of prospective interns who are coming to visit the firm tomorrow. You get given the boilerplate firm standard slides, so you decide to make some notes to amke sure you get it right.
Click image to enlarge. Read more:Junior
, Banker
Why Senior Bankers Don’t Retire: The BA Black Card 2007-04-23 14:41:00 It’s the second week of the month and Wednesday, which means its time for the European firm wide meeting and conference call at 8:30. The meeting takes place across all the European offices of the firm by audio / video conference and in the main amphitheatre in London. This is the one occasion an analyst has to be seen by senior management, so rain or shine, one wears ones best suit, best shirt, Read more:Bankers
, Black
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga XIII – Frank Johnson, you suck! 2007-05-17 20:51:00 2:00 pm - Bid deadline (9:00 am NY time)
Bid letter:
Done, drafted and sent to Kruelberg Kretin to put in the final number (Frank
doesn’t trust his bankers with shit like this), which he has done, and it has been faxed to the seller.
Bank letters:
Done. All done, credit approved and ready to go.
Frank’s dummy proof database:
Done. Even Frank can’t be caught off guard with this one.
Sleep: Read more:Johnson
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga XII – It's All Worth It 2007-05-16 13:13:00 There are many things that bug you as an i-banker. The fact that HR leaves at five and you have to crunch useless numbers for Frank fucking Johnson in the wee. The fact that your client is a moronic self important moron who got a lucky break despite the fact that he can’t tell his arse from his elbow. The fact that he wants you to run countless iterations on countless financial models, using Read more:Worth
Investment Opportunity 2007-05-18 20:42:00 An an investment banker, one is constantly offered fantastic opportunities to make money. You are overjoyed to find the gem below in your inbox:
From :
us musa
Reply-To :
usmanmusa777@hotmail.com
Sent :
Friday, May 18, 2007 12:43 PM
Subject :
TREAT AS URGENT
TREAT AS URGENT PROFITABLE TRANSACTION MR.USMAN MUSA {MANAGER}
DEAR FRIEND,
FIRST I MUST SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENCE IN THIS Read more:Opportunity
The Kruelberg Kretin Saga XIV – Blunderstone calls back 2007-05-18 18:15:00 Your mobile phone rings. Withheld number. You cautiously pick it up.
“Hello”
There is a brief silence, before you hear the unmistakeable voice of Pete Anderson from Blunderstone.
“Hi, it’s Pete from Blunderstone. Can you talk?”
Wow! Blunderstone. Not calling through a headhunter. Calling you direct. This is it. They want to give you an offer. They’re gonna do it on the spot. You Read more:calls
The lighter side of Rupert 2007-05-23 07:31:00 Rob gets a piece of "work" from the new intern and gives him this markup. That night, Rob finds the second markup sitting on his chair - "from Rupert
!" Damn. Interns. They don't make them like they used to! Read more:lighter
When in Rome… 2007-05-23 07:19:00 You’re sitting in Rupert’s office, chewing the fat with this BSD that you almost feel like you can call a colleague! Nothing has been said yet, but you know it and everyone else knows it – you’ve got a job with the firm. You feel like a million fucking dollars (worth of bling handing off your neck) as you sit across the desk from Rupert, who after spending the first half hour of your meeting in
Responding to an Investment Opportunity 2007-05-21 06:29:00 This is how an i-banker negotiates...
Sent :
Monday, May 21, 2007 11:29 AM
To :
usmanmusa777@hotmail.com
Subject :
RE: TREAT AS URGENT
Dear Mr. Musa,
Thank you most kindly for the email you have relayed, which is attached hereunder. It is with much joy that I read your email. It is truly amazing that you have found my contact details and I am most grateful that you have decided to Read more:Opportunity
The lighter side of Rupert 2007-01-19 08:12:00 Rob gets a piece of "work" from the new intern and gives him this markup. That night, Rob finds the second markup sitting on his chair - "from Rupert
!" Damn. Interns. They don't make them like they used to! Read more:lighter
Computer games reinvented for i-bankers 2007-05-25 10:58:00 No comment needed. Just walk to the closest HMV or Virgin Megastore and buy your copy. What? Surely you mean, just drop that excel spreadsheet, log onto amazon dot com and order your copy. What a silly thought, going out of the office in broad daylight! Read more:Computer
Taking a walk on the technical side 2007-05-25 10:15:00 Now that you’ve recovered from the shock of Kruelberg Kretin losing the deal of the year, the indignation of losing that job at Blunderstone for that very same reason, you decide to get on with your life, move on, and start crunching a new set of financials for a new dipshit client.
A long term client of the firm, who has grown to be a technology leader in the IT field wants to acquire the Read more:Taking
Another Investment Opportunity! 2007-05-24 05:08:00 From :
ibrahim munsa
Reply-To :
Sent :
Wednesday, May 23, 2007 11:12 PM
Subject :
Reply me immediately.
From: Dr. IBRAHIM MUSA,
Attention please,
I am Dr. IBRAHIM MUSA,The bank manager of BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA BRANCH. MY CONTACT CALL 0022676283191. I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that you will keep this as top secret.don't be scared or Read more:Opportunity
Damn, this kid has got issues 2007-05-30 05:42:00 So, today is the day HR assigns mentors to analysts in the starting class of 2007. All the bright, starry eyed graduates are in their best suits, in the lobby of the firm’s headquarters, with bright shiny nametags stating the firm name and a big smiling photo of the fresh from university analyst. Little do they know that these smiling photos will serve them as reminders of the life and
Frank Johnson posts again 2007-06-01 05:57:00 You can hardly believe that FrankJohnsonposts
again. Evidently disillusioned by the departure of his junior to Blunderstone. You never thought you would empathize with Frank Johnson, but on this one, you have no choice. You never thought you'd say this, but... "Frank Johnson, I hear you".
Reich Bank Equity Research 2007-06-01 05:28:00 You are overjoyed to come across an equity research report on one of the companies you ahve been asked to research. Excited by the fact that someone in the research community has done your work for you, and to add to it, in an unbiased and objective way, you start reading... Read more:Equity
, Research
Investment Banking is like Pac Man 2007-05-31 12:14:00 This goes to prove that the best i-banking training is received not on the job or in organized training prtogrammes, but on the internet.
What does £27k mean? 2007-06-01 10:07:00 With the month of July slowly approaching, comes the anticipation of the first bonus. Man o man will you not be the envy of all your friends when you wake up on that glorious day in July, get ready for work and check your bank balance at the first ATM and wow. The numbers will go on and on and on and so will the smile on your face, thinking “it’s all worth it!” – that is, until your blackberry
Investment Banking Summer Intern Success Guide 2007-06-06 13:12:00 By popular demand you have been asked to provide a summer intern success guide. As many of you know, recruitment season has long past and it’s time for the fresh monkeys to crawl down from their penultimate year university trees, put on their best suits, shirts and ties and walk through the doors of the investment banking powerhouses.
A voice in your head wants to say “shut up”. Interns are Read more:Summer
, Success
, Guide
Investment Banking Internship Donts 2007-06-09 02:40:00 You sit thinking, what don’t you want to see in a would be analyst, running about the office during the summer, and you realize that you cant stop at a single thing. You’ve seen your fellow interns last year so things that made their analysts cringe, and you’ve head a fair share of analyst war stories to be able to draw up a comprehensive list of intern donts. Not from the goodness of your heart, Read more:Internship
…and Some More Investment Banking Summer Internship Donts 2007-06-13 10:54:00 Don’t diss the competition:
Many a smartass summer intern (see “Don’t be a Smartass”) try to impress their loyalty to their chosen firm by putting down the competition. Don’t. You never know whether your analyst who thinks quite highly of you is waiting for his bonus before moving to shitty, Goldmen or Moron Stanley. Don’t ruin your chances of getting a call to move once they jump ship just Read more:Summer
, Internship
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