Owner: Third Mom URL:http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2007 07:58:46 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: The adoptive mom of two Korean teens thinks out loud about her kids, Korean adoption, adoptive parenting and ethical adoption. Site statistics:Click here
Taking Washington 2007-03-30 22:11:00 There has been a lot of discussion out here in blogland recently about adoption change - ah, it does my heart good to hear everyone share their ideas for fixing what's broke about adoption. And there is so, so much to fix.I'm often surprised, though, that I seldom - practically never, really - see mention of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption as a vehicle for re-educating our legislators. CCA is a group of U.S. Senators and Representatives who support the CCA mission and the activities of its non-profit arm, the CCAI (Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute):The Congressional Coalition on Adoption (CCA) was created in 1985 as a bicameral, bipartisan caucus of members of Congress dedicated to improving adoption policy and practice, and to focusing public attention on the advantages of adoption. In 2001, the CCA’s active co-chairs created the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute (CCAI) to more effectively raise Congressional and public awareness about the issue of Read more:Taking
, Washington
Uneasy Logic 2007-03-27 18:00:00 Thank you all for sharing your points of view on the last Open Mike. When I put that post up, I struggled with how to pose the question, and the comments confirm the complexity of the issue. They also point to the fact that what may look like a reasonable question in adoption circles may look quite different to those considering it from different perspectives.One of the comments literally slapped me in the face: How could we even be discussing adoption in the context of early teen pregnancy without question why and how a young girl could be pregnant in the first place? Yes, this is an adoption blog and I framed the question in the context of adoption, specifically first mothers' rights. But the fact is that everything in life is connected, and for me to take this issue out of the larger context presents a danger, because it sidesteps the main concern - the fact that girls as young as eleven or twelve or thirteen do become pregnant. It's my responsibility as a citizen, never mind a mo Read more:Logic
Open Mike: Is a woman ever too young to parent? 2007-03-25 23:24:00 I mentioned in the post I put up after I returned from Key West that my friend (also an adoptive mother) and I had a good discussion about adoption. It's a three-hour-plus drive, so we had a long time to talk about a lot of thing in more depth that is usually possible.One of these has been turning in my mind ever since: If there's an age at which parenting simply isn't a viable option for a young
mother.Had you asked me this question twenty years ago, my answer would have spoken of the need for adults to do the parenting, and for children to be children. Adoption, aside, I think most everyone would agree that it simply makes sense for people to wait until adulthood before taking on the challenge of raising a child. But I would like to better understand if a mother's youth is or isn't a good reason to consider adoption before parenting.I have to say that I'm not sure if this is the right question to be asking. Maybe the right one is simply how we best preserve relationships betw Read more:woman
, Open Mike
Thinking Blogger Award 2007-03-23 12:50:00 Susan at ReadingWritingLiving has generously - and for no deserved reason, I might add - given me a Thinking BloggerAward
. Thank you, Susan!And now I get to pass on the award to five more blogs. ReadingWritingLiving is absolutely on this list, but I must follow the rules and shout out five different blogs. You know the length of my blogroll, which makes this quite a challenge. But I'm rising to it - here goes!Writing My Wrongs Suz has taken the experience of losing a child to adoption in directions I would never have even considered before I met her through her blog. The combination of brutal honesty and deep compassion has forever changed the way I think about adoption.Harlow's Monkey Not only is this one of the most thought-provoking blogs you'll ever find, but Jae-Ran's research and writing are impeccable. It is a must-read, pure and simple.A Wrung Sponge Thank you, Cloudscome, for creating this amazing internet haven! Excellent book reviews, poetry, photography, and posts abou
Kudos where they're due 2007-03-21 00:57:00 In response to my Key West photos, Kim asked if I was able to spend the entire weekend without thinking about adoption. Well, no. The friend with whom I traveled is an adoptive mom, and we had a really long talk about adoption on the way back from Key West to Miami. She's a terrific woman, someone who has given a tremendous amount of herself to the adoption community by leading a homeland tour to Korea for over ten years.What struck me most about the conversation was that I could no longer discuss adoption objectively or impassively. During just this one year that I've been blogging, I've met so many people who have lost so much to adoption, and who are fighting incredibly hard to change society's outdated and erroneous views of it. I found myself answering on your behalf - and it was never so clear to me what an insult to human rights adoption secrecy and lies are.Our conversation focused a lot on when a woman was too young to raise a child. My friend and I could have driven all t
Excused blog absence 2007-03-15 02:09:00 Just got back from here:Beautiful weather, lots to do, and six-toed cats - what more can you ask for!!!I hope you'll forgive the blogging laziness at the moment, my head's just not back on east-coast type-A time yet. It's still here:and here: And where I live, they're predicting a lovely wintry mix over the weekend.*sigh* Read more:absence
Love Thursday: Trying to remember 2007-03-09 02:26:00 I've noticed that there are a lot of stories up now about new families coming together. They've all brought me back to my children's arrivals - they seem so long ago now. And compared to the incredible travel stories I'm reading, our arrivals seem so mundane - both took place in the old round Northwest terminal at DC's National Airport. Our agency didn't allow us to travel to Korea to meet our children then, and so they were escorted by GIs returning to the States after tours in Korea.Yet these experiences, odd as they may be, record when we and our children became family. They're an incredibly important page in our children's history, one that is really more about their loss than our new connection. For a long, long time, they were etched in my mind as if they were chiseled in stone. But time erodes both stone and memories, and it makes me sad to know that they're fading . . .September 20, 1989I remember driving to the airport in rush hour traffic, which was so backed up when Read more:Thursday
, Love Thursday
Knowing My Limits 2007-03-04 18:24:00 There has been continued discussion about the issues I pondered in my post Unranked a couple of days ago. Would adoption exist in a perfect world? If it must exist, is one type of adoption better than another for a child? And what does that mean for the adoptive family? Sster, Abebech, Dawn and Shannon all have more to say, each with a different spin on this complicated and important topic.But Paula's post The Runner-up is Always Hardest on Herself took all the discussion and turned it on its head. Please read it. It is very important to hear and understand what she says. It adds a critical dynamic to this discussion - one that was essentially absent from all the previous posts, mine included. It adds the voice of the adoptee.What Paula says is that the feeling of being "second best" may be something no adoptive parent can relieve. The thought that my children could be feeling this way is heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking. But I recognize that it may simply come with their adopt Read more:Limits
Suz on the Adoption Show 2007-03-02 21:09:00 Suz is going to be on The Adoption
Show this weekend!The Adoption ShowSunday, March 4, 2007 8:30 PM (EST)TROLLING FOR eBABIESGuests:SUZ BEDNARZSuz Bednarz is the proud mother of three beautiful children. Her first born child, a daughter, was lost to adoption in 1986 and found in 2005. Suz was coerced and intimidated into surrendering her daughter. One of the many intimidating tactics used on Suz was a promissory note and the threat of a lawsuit. When she informed the agency she would like to keep her child, she was told that she and her parents would be sued. She is the owner of ehbabes.com. The site and its associated yahoogroup provides search, support and reunion assistance for those separated by adoption via Kurtz agencies. These agencies include Easter House, Birth Hope, American Friends of Children, Friends of Children, Casa Del Sur among others. Suz developed her site to increase the chances of finding her daughter. Since finding her daughter, Suz has facilitated more than twent
Unranked 2007-02-27 20:43:00 Would there be adoption in a perfect world? Can an adoptive family be the first choice for a child?This has been the topic of a good bit of blog discussion over the past few weeks, really for some time, especially in the transracial and transnational adoption world. Several people have talked about this recently (Kohana, Shannon, and Boomerific, here and here) and last year (Abebech and Dawn) and undoubtedly many more. Go read, if you haven't already. An article has also been referenced that I am sure is worth reading, but I have to admit I didn't.From my perspective, this question is a no brainer. There really is only one answer: there would be no adoption in a perfect world. Everyone would be born to the perfect family, and those families would be able to care well for the children born to them. Adoption simply wouldn't be needed if the world were a perfect place.But this is no perfect world. Children lose their families to accidents and natural disasters. Women are pushed by circ
Don't Misses 2-25-07 2007-02-25 20:48:00 When you haven't read the 125 blogs on your blogroll for over a week, there's a lot to catch up on! For your reading pleasure, here are just a few of the posts that have touched me as I've caught up with my reading.Judy posted a link to a blog that's new to me, musings:mamahood&more, and in particular a poignant comparison of open and closed adoption, Adoption doors. On the fence on open adoption? You won't be after reading this post. Thank you, Gretchen.Where Do We Fit In The Picture? tells the adoption story from the perspective of an adoptee's spouse - in this case, an adoptee's wife. Sometimes I think we forget that adoption touches many more than adoptees, first parents, and adoptive parents. This blog is a reminder that it touches spouses, children, extended family, and friends, too.Thank you, Suz, for Sad, Mad, Scared. This post captures emotions of betrayal and loss so clearly, along with another emotion, fear of the second loss of a child who has been found. These are f
Pushing up the Sky 2007-02-24 22:10:00 Things are beginning to settle down at work, but I have a couple of obligations I need to complete before I can settle in to really catch up with everyone and do some posting here. Two things top the list - catching up on Korean Focus activities, and finishing an article I'm working on with two really good friends, Mark Hagland and Terra Trevor.This gives me a wonderful opportunity to tell you about Terra's book, Pushing
up the Sky, which was announced at the KAAN Conference in Seoul. Terra and her family have a unique and fascinating story, one that offers new insights into the complexity of relationships in adoption. Terra, who is of Cherokee, Delaware, and Seneca ancestry, also possesses a wisdom about racial issues that everyone can learn from. I know that I have. I encourage you all to read her book.Hope to be writing again soon.
Back - with a caveat 2007-02-17 14:29:00 I've missed writing too much to stay away much longer. I'm back.I can't say I've done much soul-searching over the past couple of weeks, because I've been too busy with work. But I think I've figured out why I was ready to throw in the towel, and the way I deal with this in the future is the one caveat I have to set for continuing to write.It just plain hurts to feel like the enemy all the time. I recognize that for those who are struggling with the pain of adoption, adoptive parents ARE one of the causes of that pain, perhaps the main cause. I accept that. But as one who personalizes everything (oh, if I had a buck for every time R has said "Don't take it personally" to me!), the hostility goes straight to my heart. And it hurts.So somehow I need to find a way to acknowledge, accept and act upon the injustices of adoption without internalizing to the degree I have. I don't know that I've quite figured out how to do this, but that's the caveat. The self-imposed target simply
Frozen, but thawing soon 2007-02-15 15:04:00 Just a quick Hi from frozen DC. We can't complain here compared to the rest of the northeast, but it's bad enough. I'm a little south of the city, and we had a dusting of snow followed by ice, then more snow and more ice. The side roads are still pretty bad, but it's sunny today and hopefully things will start to thaw a bit. I hope so - I'm off to the Philly area for work tomorrow, and hope the roads are OK for my trip. Thank goodness, this is the last of the work travel until early March.Happy Belated Valentine's Day to everyone! I hope it brought you goodies and lots of love. R. outdid himself - I receive a lovely new watch, which I desparately needed. I was thrilled, and I know he was thrilled that I was thrilled.Another total surprise - a good friend called out of the blue on Tuesday and invited me to join her and a mutual friend from Korea in Key West in March. Woo hoo, I am so in! Can't wait, I've never been to Key West, and I seriously need both the rest and the warmth - Read more:Frozen
Adoption Analogy 2007-02-08 15:52:00 Yes, I’m on blog break, but if I don’t get this on paper it’ll be gone forever.First, thank you all - and you know who you are – for your support and laughs last night. Boy that felt good, and you'll never ever know how much you brightened my very dark mood! Thank you.I told some of you via email yesterday that one of the issues contributing to my need for a breather is work. It’s not a pleasant time in my work world at the moment, and to be completely candid, I’m not dealing with it very well. I work in a very corporate environment, although I’m not a particularly corporate kind of person. Until now I've been able to reconcile myself with this, and have found places where I fit. But not now.It occurred to me yesterday that I may be getting a tiny taste of what an adoptee must experience living with the pain of adoption. Please, understand, I DON’T mean what I’m feeling is in ANY WAY the same in its intensity, or its importance in the scheme of life, or its permanen Read more:Adoption
, Analogy
Ripped 2007-01-24 06:30:00 I saw the following words in a post about the impending arrival of a child from Korea to a new family in the U.S. The tone was upbeat, excited, and I could find no context, no prior post indicating a deeper meaning. The word appeared in a sentence that simply described two children and a family, as if it were describing their hair or eye color - Two kids, one blue-eyed, one brown-eyed . . . But instead, this:. . . one ripped from his family's arms . . .There is truth here, no question, and perhaps the case could be made that this a-mother is simply being honest. Although my first reaction was horror, ultimately all adoptions start with a child being taken from his or her family. But "ripped from his family's arms?"These conjure up something different - the overt act of stealing a child. And while I certainly can't ascribe that motive to this adoptive parent, it disturbs me that this choice of words was used in such a casual way - especially when the blog's sidebar also includes a d
Read 'em and weep 2006-10-03 18:17:00 First - thank you all for your comments and emails following my last post. You all are some great people, and I appreciate your understanding of why that post was hard for me to think about and to write. What helped most was hearing that you are feeling the same feelings, from all different sides of adoption. It really helped.Many of you suggested a rest from the hard topics - wise advice, but advice only an adoptive parent can take. First parents and adoptees don't get a rest, and so I don't feel I can really back away. I may need to focus on different issues for awhile, but it's all still there. We're all in this together.And never so obvious as in the following, both of which I heard this week. Perhaps a good rant will still my soul a bit, it always seems to have that effect. You're just not going to believe these.First - a fellow Korean adoptive parent went to register her daughter in one of the largest high schools in suburban DC. She and her daughter went to the school toget
Open Mike 2006-09-02 21:25:00 Questions, topics and comments wanted - from YOU!I like comments. Selfishly, I like knowing that someone has taken the time to surf in, read what I've written, and add their thoughts. I like comments from people I know, from people I'm getting to know, and from people who prefer to add their thoughts anonymously. For me, comments are the best thing about blogging because they're a lot like conversation, and I certainly like that.But as much as I like comments about things I've written, I like comments about specific issues better. This, I think, is the real beauty of internet communication - it allows people from all over the world to come together and talk about whatever interests them. I've seen first hand, too, how this kind of communication leads to face-to-face communication and change.So I got this idea: to open up a post every so often titled "Open Mike
" focusing on an adoption or race/culture issue, and then hear back in the comments from as many people as possible. I'll
Just when you think you've seen it all ... 2006-08-19 02:18:00 George Allen, Virginia's pathetic ex-Governor, candidate for re-election to the U.S. Senate, (and - this is really frightening - presidential wannabe), said this to S. R. Sidarth, an American of Indian descent, at a political rally in southwest Virginia this week:"This fellow here, over here with the yellow shirt, macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great, . . . Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia."Fellow intercountry a-parents, think
race is no longer an issue in the U.S.? Think again.Fellow Virginians, vote George Allen's sorry ass out.Allen Quip Provokes Outrage, ApologyGeorge Allen's America
Third Mom's Blogroll 2006-08-17 01:49:00 So many blogs, so many points of view! Each one touches adoption in a different way, and adds to the diversity within the adoption experience. They're arranged alphabetically in the hope that you just point, click, and read an unexpected perspective. Have a suggestion you think will broaden the dialog? Add it to the comments, or send it in an email.Disclaimer: My blogroll is a list of blogs I read, not a list of blogs I necessarily endorse. It therefore contains blogs I love, blogs I hate, and everything in between. I include them all because I read them all to better understand the range of perspectives they present. The only way to be sure of my perspective is to read what I write, not what I read - with the exception of the articles and posts on my Don't Misses page. And the only way to make your voice heard when you disagree with one of these is to comment on the author's blog or on your own.If you're reading this on a feed and you see nothing below, not to worry. I use Bloglin Read more:Blogroll
Third Mom's Activism Page 2006-06-10 18:42:00 Inspired by Claud's efforts to simplify adoption activism, I offer Third Mom's Activism
Page. I'll do my best to update this periodically with new links to resources working toward just adoption laws.If a link looks out of place on this list, please consider that activism can take many forms.Links are listed in alphabetical order presuming I can spell. Where I've found sites that aggregate links, I'll post those. If you would like to suggest a link, please email me.Adoptee Birthfamily ConnectionsAdoption agency selection checklist by Bill BetzenAdoption Forum, Inc. Adoption News Service American Adoption CongressAnti-Racist Parent Bastard Nation Act CCAI: Congressional Coalition on Adoption (Email me for a sortable list of CCAI members - available in Excel, Word, HTML, CSV formats)CCNM: Canadian Council of Natural MothersCoAbode: Single Mothers House SharingConcerned United Birthparents Cyndi's List of Genealogy Sites: AdoptionEasy Activism Ethica: An Independent Voice for Ethica
Loss Loss Loss 2006-05-27 05:48:00 Being new to blogging, I haven’t figured out how to take it all in in small doses. I’ve spent every free minute the last couple of days reading. And reading. And reading.What I’ve found out there is a world of sorrow, a world of people sick with loss, frustration, anger. I’ve read more pain in the last three days then I’ve read in the past 40 years.So many people seeking the connections they lost as infants, toddlers, children. So many mothers yearning to find children the were encouraged to relinquish years ago.And so much anger directed toward adoptive parents, who are no more than the symbols of a system of abuse, enablers of an inhuman response to human need. Adopters. Abductors.These issues aren't new to me, but I'm numb from the sheer volume of pain.
Guilt 2006-05-20 18:51:00 I spoke at an adoption-related program awhile ago, and the subject of guilt and shame came up. The specific question asked was "Have you experienced guilt or shame about adoption, and if so what caused it?"Over the years I have found my thoughts about adoption becoming ever darker. In the beginning of our adoption experience, I could see only positives - positive solution to a birth mother's dilemma, positive opportunities for our children, positive joy for us.But over time I have come to know that Korean birth mothers - married and unmarried - receive virtually no support from their families, friends, and government at the time they most need it. Families that fall into poverty may orchestrate an adoption, sometimes going to the extent of pretending their child died in childbirth, because they have no alternative when their financial means do not allow another mouth to feed. Unmarried single parents remain outside the norm of Korean society, so young women with children but no husban
What's in a Name? 2006-04-05 18:06:00 "What kind of a name is DaHee?" asked the priest who baptized our daughter."A Korean name," I answered, "that means 'much happiness.'""Oh."Although he didn't say it, I could tell he wasn't pleased that we hadn't selected another saint's name for our daughter. And there wasn't time to explain to him how important it was for us to preserve her name.Names are much more than symbols of adoptee's birth languages. They are direct links to the adoptee's birth countries and to the people - birth family, perhaps, or first caregivers - who cared for them and loved them. For children old enough to remember having been called by those names, their very sound may evoke the memory of those early years. It's not for adoptive parents to decide for our children that their names have no value. Indeed, they are priceless.Our daughter's name is beautiful, as is our son's. They both think so, too. And with many friends with names that represent the myriad of cultures in our community, having Ko
A Little Background 2006-03-07 18:51:00 Let me tell you about all of my mommies!" said my five-year-old son one day as we sat in our kitchen. He began counting: "There's my first mother in Korea, then Mrs. Cho (his foster mother), and then you - you're my third mom!" So simple to his five-year-old mind - but of course adoption is anything but simple. By sharing my thoughts here I hope to better understand the experience that has shaped my life.About MeI'm Third Mom, known to everyone else as Margie Perscheid, adoptive mom of two Korean teens. I live in Alexandria, Virginia, with my husband R, our 17-year-old son and 15-year-old daughter. R and I have been married for almost 32 years. We met at Georgetown University, our alma mater, and have lived in the DC area ever since.I studied foreign languages and applied linguistics at Georgetown, and taught for eight years in the Fairfax County Public School system, followed by several years teaching at a private ESL school for adults. I now work as a program manager in telecommun
Time for a Break 2007-02-05 04:46:00 I think this blog may have reached the end of its shelf life.Everyone blogs for different reasons, and mine have been these:To explore the difficult issues in adoptionTo have the opportunity to talk to others about themThe experience of blogging has taught me that a blog post can cause enough misunderstanding to actually hamper dialog rather than help it. I'm sure the recent events in my blog world lead me to this conclusion, and maybe in a couple of weeks I'll feel differently. But at the moment, I feel that my perspective is one the world isn't interested in hearing, or that I'm doing a lousy job of expressing it. Either way, it doesn't make a lot of sense to continue.Thanks to everyone who has read and commented, I've appreciated your points of view. And to those with whom I've developed off-blog dialog, I sincerely hope that will continue.Update 2/6: Many thanks to those who have written (email is in the right sidebar), I sincerely appreciate your support.To those who have a Read more:Break
Infertility, Adoption and Me 2007-04-03 23:53:00 Infertile. Sterile. Unproductive. Barren. Unfruitful.Words that wound. Words that shame. Words that tell the world that we who cannot conceive and bear children have failed at that most basic human function - procreation.Welcome to the wonderful world of infertility.It's a world I know well, one that I lived with for years - eight to be exact, pretty much the entire span of my thirties. Eight years of believing I could beat my body into submission. Eight years of physical and emotional torture, drugs that threw my body onto a physical and emotional roller coaster, endless tests, painful treatments, and surgeries big and small. Eight years of utter helplessness and hopelessness on a scale that, at the time, I thought had no equal.I married at 25, immature for my age and unready to start a family. R had put himself through college, and consequently finished a year and a half after me, in December of 1973. We married the following summer, and just wanted those first few years for ourselv Read more:Infertility
, Adoption
Pray for James 2007-04-06 06:13:00 Everyone, whatever you are doing, whatever is challenging you in your life, put it aside for a moment and visit Baby James
. James has been fighting Wilms disease, and his family has just received the news that it has metastasized. They are devastated, and could use your support.Please go over and offer words of comfort, prayers, whatever you feel is appropriate. And keep little James and his family in your thoughts and prayers as he faces this next challenge.
Love Thursday: Beyond words 2007-04-05 14:25:00 Happy Birthday, P and M!Two birthdays today at our house today! P turns 18 today - 18, people, all grown up!! And M is Sweet 16, and I do mean sweet. Yes, their birthdays are on the same day - total coincidence and a story of its own. We'll be celebrating by going out to dinner at their choice of restaurant, and of course with cake and ice cream. No matter how big they get, they want their birthday cake and ice cream :)Yes, April 5th is a joyful day for me, always. But in spite of the cake and ice cream, celebration dinner and presents, my thoughts aren't just on them. Today, I know, on the other side of the world, two women are thinking about the children they couldn't raise. I know they wonder where they are, think about what they are doing, fear for their health and safety, and pray that they are living happy lives. And so today and always, I want them to know this:Your children are beautiful and strong. They are healthy and safe, and are living a peaceful childhood. They have f Read more:Thursday
, Love Thursday
Joy and Addie on The Adoption Show 2007-04-05 02:13:00 This is an absolute don't miss!! Joy and Addie will be on The Adoption
Show this Sunday!THE ADOPTION SHOW - VOICES ENDING THE MYTHSunday April 8, 2007 8:30 PM (EST)Not Just Bloggers, ADDIE & JOYJoin Michelle as she yaks it up with adoptees, Joy Madsen (Joy's Division) and Addie Pray (According to Addie) about the absurd effects and practices of adoption. Are adoptees like Godzilla? What's with the "Happy Adoptee" plus, Addie and..."The Adopters Who Went Away".Warning! those who celebrate adoption may be triggered by some or all of the content in this segment.
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