Owner: Chris Wood's Blog URL:www.chriswoodbooks.blogspot.com Join Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2008 02:46:29 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Because shit comes in small daily doses. Site statistics:Click here
10 ways of making mornings less shitty 2008-09-02 20:52:32 I realise many people check up on blogs while at work, and certainly I wouldn’t want you to waste all your time doing what you’re paid for. This is called giving in, and basically it’s for losers, the craven, the cowardly, kiss asses, the terminally dull and those too dim to have a mind festering away behind the office demeanour.God knows it’s important to spend a little while being human. Read more:making
, shitty
I hate being lied to! 2008-09-01 09:23:25 Looking at my computer today, ignoring the vast pleas for my time and money (I hate adverts) I came across this nugget of gibberish:“The UK's economic downturn will result in more crime and illegal immigration, along with a rise in extremism, according to a leaked Government document.”To read the full article, click this load of crap.This was a headline in Yahoo News, but let’s not blame the
Skinny women in demure bonnets dump on my world. Stop now please, ladies. 2008-08-31 02:49:17 When I was a teenager I started reading Jane Austen, and hugely enjoyed two of her books. Nothing unusual there. However – and this is the sad part – the whole thing was spoiled for me by bad adaptations.A good period drama is superb. Emma Thompson’s “Sense and Sensibility,” for example – marvellous stuff, really breathed life into the characters and kept the spirit of the book. Fair e Read more:ladies
Sex scandal thingy 2008-08-30 08:42:56 Recently there was a competition among humour bloggers to write a funny thing about politicians and sex scandals. I missed the deadline because I'm a moron. However, for what it's worth, here it is.Cue slick grubby weasel giving a press statement:The malice of modern life is a crippling indignity to many in public office. As you will be aware, certain rumours following weekend disclosures have bee
The world should be governed by arses 2008-08-28 01:25:46 And many claim it is. However, I recently had a post from ace blogger Brian, whose site I haven’t linked to in this post because my computer skills would shame a monkey.However, Brian was responding to an article of mine about monarchy. I said – very elegantly – that they were basically crap and could kiss my arse. I don’t know if I was quite as poetic as all that, but you get the drift.Br
The news gets weirder ... 2008-08-26 18:11:48 It seems Taliban forces have raised a US base after killing ten French soldiers in a commando raid. Incredible, doing all that without underpants.It also brings me to a new lifestyle choice I have made.Recently I decided to save on laundry by not wearing pants. It hasn’t hampered my social life – I have a very reliable digestive system, luckily – and was caused by my washing machine producin
Steven Seagal and Margaret Thatcher – it’s an unlikely combination but it just might work! 2008-08-25 13:47:34 I know I recently thrilled readers senseless with my tribulations in finding “The Alchemist,” but I couldn’t resist starting “Seagal
agy” instead.For the uninformed hoards who live in swamps and spend their leisure hours flicking turds at each other, this magnificent tome is a comprehensive guide to the filmic splendours that Mr Seagal has blessed the world with.If any of you are splutter Read more:Margaret
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Is all advertising low and shitty? 2008-08-23 14:49:34 Recently I took a dump on adverts of astounding shittiness. Feeling that, never having written an advert, this could be considered chicken, I decided to have a go at doing my own.For this to work, imagine some oily forty-something ‘product spokesperson’ type, like the gubers who advertise hair shit that cuts the grey out.Cut lots of teeth, a big cheesy smile, smug manner and straight to camera Read more:shitty
Life is about aiming somewhere and rolling with it when you miss 2008-08-21 15:45:36 Just like toilet training for men.Oh hey that sounds all profound. I have no idea if the above sounds accurate to you, but it just occurred to me today. I’m 33. Missed!First of all, the universe has been at work in my house today, suggesting a book for me to read, hiding it from where I KNOW it was, teasing my memory with little hints and leading me to various parts of my house I wouldn’t have
Weightlifting With Old Me’s Ego 2008-08-20 20:53:31 My house has a double living room, two regular rooms knocked through. At the front is the TV and stereo, plus my regular maze of crap. Because it’s a big room, the crap content is truly astounding. I get offers from land fill sites all the time.Recently, among books, CDs and so forth, I found an old dumb bell.Having weights does invite fitness. While I don’t actually lift them, it’s true tha
Bullshit follows me about & farts up my nose 2008-08-19 13:05:26 Some days you just contemplate all the evil cack in the world. Today, I've been jaded & misanthropic, looking for things to be offended by.These moods descend upon us all, like headaches or sudden violent wind.Money is a worry. I mean, I have some, but now I worry about it more. This afternoon I took five pounds out of my wallet and asked after its mental health. The silence could be describ Read more:Bullshit
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Do I need to take hostages? 2008-08-17 14:30:21 I've just come back from a date.She was small, affectionate, blonde, talkative and totally mind buggering mad. I found this endearing for a lot of the evening. Eccentric, nubile dipsomaniacs make good company. We laughed and drank, agreeing all the while how great we were. It started out like the perfect evening.Stories were exchanged. Hers were in a whole higher league to mine, with such a great
Friday night bliss drooling in front of the box 2008-08-15 22:30:23 Yes, it's been an intellectually active evening for me. Beer, Steven Seagal, a mate popping round - I'll have to read Wittgenstein another time.One of my favourite quotes is Walt Whitman's "I loaf and invite my soul." It captures that wonderful essence of just sauntering about, not doing anything much and allowing whatever thoughts to cross the mind whenever they will. In all honestly I think that Read more:drooling
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Cannibals have all the luck ... 2008-08-14 23:05:00 I caught a flight today. As I went through Customs, I was treated with noticeable civility. It was far and away the most polite experience of this I'd ever seen.The officials welcomed with a genuine manner I'd rarely seen in their kind before. They had smiles, courtesy - I felt like a favoured customer at a Mayfair restaurant. It isn't usually like this. Instead of polite requests, it's generally Read more:Cannibals
Technology screws with my head and punches me in the kidneys 2008-08-13 19:23:48 Usually I love computers. They are wonderful things - bright, shiny little puppies that put a big silly smile on my hairy fat face as I scroll through the many wonderful things computers do. When I boot up in the morning it's with a smile that I observe the tinkling screen doodles that promise electronic wonders as soon as the RAM has stretched itself and had some coffee and once the hard drive ha Read more:Technology
Good advice is very hard to take. And that's excellent advice! 2008-08-12 19:43:31 Recently I thought I'd finally finished a project I've been working on for some months. I've been fine tuning it for a while and reckoned that most of the brain work was done.Feedback had been positive - a few minor quibbles, true enough, but otherwise positive. Then came an opinion that made me doubt this. This opinion raised questions I hadn't considered as well as ones I thought I'd answered.Ha Read more:excellent
What is it about the small hours? 2008-08-11 18:35:30 It's quiet. The wind outside seems unruly even though it's really very modest. Occasionally a car shoots past. The noise is so isolated that each engine seems guilty.I just got some water and my footsteps were gigantic. Even the tapping of each key is big enough to shake the neighbours awake. I feel like I'm getting so much done - damn, what is it about this spooky night feeling?I love the wee ho
A quick word about holidays ... 2008-08-11 03:49:03 I'm in the Channel Islands as I write this, Jersey to be exact. It's a beautiful island - not very big (nine miles by five) - but there's a lot crammed into that small space. Today is my sixth day of holiday, and my question is this:How is it that when I'm away from home and relaxing, all the things I find so hard at home are just so easy?It's astounding the number of difficulties, issues etc that
Getting things going! 2008-08-10 13:52:11 I've told myself my first book has to be up and available by October at the latest. It's called The Ingredients of a Good Thriller and I have high hopes for it.These are:1. An end to all destructive conflicts, both global and personal.2. The immediate cessation of manufacture of landmines, ballistic missiles, nuclear warheads, cattle prods and the like.3. Liberation for prisoners of conscience wor Read more:Getting things
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One Of The Finest 2008-09-20 11:44:24 I don’t think people enthuse enough over some of the really special things in the world, so I’m going to do so here with one of my favourite CDs. It’s Excitable Boy by Warren Zevon.Some songwriters carry a wisdom that goes over and beyond what’s expected in a song. We can appreciate the great melodies, good instruments and the lived in, lived out pallor some people just have in their voice
It's Award Season Again, Check Out Your Black Tie 2008-09-18 11:33:03 Sometimes a wonderful thing happens that lights up the sky like a dildo in a convent.One such thing occurred on Monday when the excellent Bill, of I Animate You, thrust this coveted beacon of grandeur on my blog.Naturally, the celebrations have been a rare and riotous affair, involving four deaths, several overturned police cars, a monkey overdosed on Viagra rampaging through the House of Commons Read more:Again
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Can Our Pessimistic Motherfuckers Decide What’s Going On PLEASE? 2008-09-16 02:22:22 The news assaults us every day with one buttload of heinous gibberish after another.Today it was some shit about ‘Meltdown Monday’ because the stock market has been pissed all over by … something or other that fucks up the economy (politicians?). Basically some big city firm told a lot of their staff to get lost because … I don’t know.For being assholes. For talking in shitty macho jargo Read more:Going
The Most Fun You Can Have With Your Pants On 2008-09-14 15:15:49 Thornton’s ice cream – if you don’t know Thornton’s, it’s basically God’s personal chocolate supplier. Three scoops of this (preferably two chocolate, one Viennese truffle) is like an orgasm in a cone. That sounds like pervert confectionary (although surely that would find its market?), and I daresay the cone would give way, but this is about as moreish as heroin. More so. I would give Read more:Pants
A 90 Year Old Nun Is Cooler Than These Two Lagoons Of Toss 2008-09-13 10:30:19 Today I was going out on an errand, and when I reached the door it started reverberating. I should point out that I don’t live near some tank test drive centre, nor had I spent the day cramming trippy mushrooms in my mouth.I wondered if some genius was joyriding a bulldozer down the street, then I found where the noise was coming from.Some wankbiscuit in a red VW (woo! get that for a party car!)
Cool! I’ve Found A Useless Shit Generator! 2008-09-10 10:36:54 I may never do anything ever again.Recently, I found out about the wonders of the Stumble facility, courtesy of those clearly sound minds over at humorbloggers. Naturally I thought I’d test it, being one of those thorough, completist, happy to waste hours at a time lazy fuckers who’d rather find out that Israeli soldiers won’t allow someone into their country until they’ve done a little da Read more:Generator
Announcing the advent of a great moment in humanity … 2008-09-09 08:56:43 Recently I was given my first blogging award by the delectable Meg, who clearly knows a good thing when she sees it. I decided, in one of those grand moments of vista encompassing inspiration, to start my own award for outstanding greatness in the field of total brilliance. I’ve decided to call it the Nobel Prize for Awesomeness.I rang the Nobel Commission and they’re fine with it. The bloke I
The Good Piss Test 2008-09-05 09:26:00 Today Guy Ritchie – that is, Mr Madonna and the director of two great fims and two astounding lumps of shit – has his new film out in the UK. I haven’t seen it yet but the advance word is that’s a return to form, ie non-shittiness on his part and finally getting back to making films worth watching.This could be superb. First of all, Madonna’s not in it (always a plus), also apparently he
Ten Reasons Why You Should Go To HumorBloggers.Com Immediately 2008-10-07 09:53:08 1. There’s a constantly running gif animation of Barack Obama pissing in Dick Cheney’s mouth.2. Rosie O’Donnell has never clicked on the site.3. They are achieving world domination one territory at a time. Yesterday, the Eastern Peninsula declared itself “The People’s Republic of Offending Blogging.”4. It’s made out of 100% environmentally friendly pixels, none of which bugger the ic Read more:Reasons
The News Is Misleading, Because These People REALLY Are Reasonable 2008-10-05 12:02:15 An Ohio woman has been jailed for a month for chasing terrified kids about while dressed as a cow.Now, of course it’s easy from that to start throwing stones about, um, how that isn’t perhaps the best way of conducting your business.It turns out she was promoting a local business (hence the cow outfit), got shitfaced drunk and then decided she really wanted to run at some local brats while yel Read more:Misleading
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