Owner: bilge - sook my stupid brain! URL:http://bilge.madra.net Join Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2007 05:39:49 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: the increasingly incontinent rantings of a drunken has-been irish punk, railing ineffectually against the world. Site statistics:Click here
sex therapists TV show sketch 0000-00-00 00:00:00 THE SEX THERAPISTS TV SHOW
interior. a TV studio. our viewpoint should be as if we are watching the show on television. a middle-aged couple stand behind a desk or podium. behind them on the wall [or emblazoned across the front of the desk/podium] is the show’s title; “THE LOVE DOCTORS”
the couple are stereotypically american; fake orange tans, huge fluorescent white teeth and too much jewllery. the man is fat and the woman has that anorexic look with a scrawny leathery neck like a tortoise [“mutton dressed as lamb”, in other words].
MAN
hi there! - i’m grover zee humstein [pause] and this little hottie [gestures at the woman, who simpers] is my lovely wife emmylou.
EMMYLOU
[waving and grinning] hi y’all!
[audience applause - which both bask in for a few seconds]
G Read more:sketch
bog trotting 0000-00-00 00:00:00
apropos of nothing - save the fact i’ll be stayin’ over at a mates house in a few days - a question which has long puzzled me:
“why do the english never have locks on their toilet doors?”
i’m just going though a mental list of friends, acquaintances, in-laws and other ‘persons known to me’ - as the police would have it - in whose houses, over the years, i’ve spent the night. and consequently, in whose houses i’ve availed of the bathroom facilities in the morning and i’d say that in almost every case i was confounded by the lack of a lock on the bog door.
i used to think this was what germaine-fucking-greer would call a ‘gender issue’. due to my incredible good looks and sex-appeal and the fact i’m hung l
the tao of tattoos 0000-00-00 00:00:00
back in the good old days, it was mostly life’s misfits; the rockers, the bikers, the punks and old teddy boys and ex-servicemen who sported a proliferation of tattoos. nowadays however, it seems you’d be making more of a statement and cocking more of a snook at the world if you chose not to ‘get ink done’.
so in that bitter and twisted mood that comes upon me when i see normal society encroaching on what used to be weirdo territory, i present my ‘tao of tattoos’. may it serve as a useful guide for all our childrens’ children!…
tribal tattoos - let’s get one thing straight right from the start, shall we; tribal tattoos are not in the least bit alternative or risqué or dangerous. i have seen people who look like fucking acco
blue peter? 0000-00-00 00:00:00
amongst the usual wheelbarrow loads of spam i’ve been getting in my intray over the past week or three, there’s been several dozen with a subject line consisting of some variation on the theme “my boyfriends’ <insert slang name for willy> is so big… yadda… yadda…”.
i don’t actually know what the rest of the line is, as it gets cut off by the edge of my email app window and - needless to say - i just delete spam without looking at it, but one thing i did find mildly amusing: where the <slang name for willy> appears in the subject line, i’ve seen all the usual suspects used; ‘penis’, ‘cock’, ‘wang’, ‘pecker’, and so on. however i’ve also noticed quite a few
your mother should know 0000-00-00 00:00:00
OK - here’s an interesting theory for you based - needless to say - on purely fictitious set of circumstances and [libel lawyers please note] not on anything currently in the news:
imagine a couple on a foreign holiday with their small children. the parents, being a pair of fuckwitts, decide to go out for a meal one night, leaving their three year old daughter and even younger son alone in their holiday apartment. when the parents return home that night they discover, to their horror, that the wee girl has had some kind of accident - perhaps fallen down the stairs or knocked some heavy object over on top of herself - and she is dead!
the parents now have two choices:
* they can either call the authorities, ‘fess up to their negligence and take whatever punishment is due to Read more:mother
we’ve got a domain name… 0000-00-00 00:00:00 … and we know how to use it!
after nearly four years of fearless journalistic outpourings and with my loyal readership only just still able to be counted on the fingers of jeremy beadle’s spaccy hand - i thought it high time that ‘bilge - sook my stupid brain!’ emerged from under the haddock-smelling, piss-stained underskirts of the madra.net site and stood on its own two bandy legs.
so here we have it. from this moment onwards this magnificent site is now accessible at the resolutely unpopular domain
bilgebrain.net
another one to avoid adding to your bookmarks!
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