The 20 Theses 2008-08-15 04:42:22 One week has passed since The Driveby Writer hit the Web. Its timing was uncanny as the workplace drama of last week unfolded.It is still hard to believe it happened and I remain shocked that it did, but supportive of those who took a stand.Instead of my usual rambling, I decided to give you a list, which I do on occasion, on the things I have learned since first publishing The Driveby.Here is my
The man who sold Vick a Pit Bull 2008-08-14 02:48:18 The good news is I don’t have skin cancer. The bad news is I ran into the man who sold Michael Vick a pit bull and the man still has a shoe fetish.We thought it was a way to deflect the questions we were asking him earlier in the year when we went to see him and he started talking about how much he liked our photographer’s shoes, asking him if they were comfortable.The man likes comfortable sh Read more:Pit Bull
bra flyers, bra fitters, bras 2008-08-13 04:27:21 I’m outside at work the other day, getting ready to go to lunch, when I see a Belk ad lying in what is supposed to be, I guess, a flower bed at the back of the office.It’s not just any insert, it’s a four-page color deal advertising the store’s Special Bra Fit Event for Friday and Saturday.At first I’m curious why this ad is lying in this flower bed, a flower bed which has no flowers but
The really bad songs. part iii 2008-08-12 12:10:33 So, here we are at part III of the most inane songs
and this one will be fun. To appreciate Gin and Juice you have to listen to The Gourds version. That’s how I realized just how lame this song is. Snoop’s supposed to be representing and the song represents nothing. Coming to you from South Central there’s no mention of cops or riots. Ice Cube captured South Central perfectly with The Predat
Does life imitate Madden? 2008-08-11 04:13:51 I’m a Madden
fanatic. I know it’s childish for a grown man to play video games, but I love football and like to test my football knowledge against the computer.This column isn’t as much about Madden as it is about life, workplace life.The only way to play Madden is the franchise mode. You have a salary cap, you have a draft, you have a budget.Like in real football, you can trade humans for o
The Really Bad Songs. Part II 2008-08-10 05:41:42 As I try to get my mind off stupidity, I begin thinking I haven’t done part II of the most inane songs, speaking of stupidity. The first part can be found on my WordPress and MySpace pages, which you can link to through the Welcome or Driveby Web page.My opinion: Green was the beginning nail in the coffin for REM. I know, they’re back with another album but the REM I knew is not today’s REM.
Reflections on morning traditions 2008-08-09 08:39:05 Before 9 this morning I have got my last story for Sunday’s paper e-mailed. I should have done it at the office Friday but there were too many distractions and sometimes you have to bail when conflict abounds.I have added this Web site to several search engines and have got my exercise in for the day, boxing and playing tennis on the Wii, If you don’t think that’s good exercise, try it somet Read more:Reflections
, traditions
The sorry state of sorry things 2008-08-08 14:08:48 I walk on eggshells these days. I tiptoe through land mines. I tread the forest, watching carefully for venomous creatures that slither and slide through the woods.This is not the way it should be, but it is. The creatures are stubborn, relentless and to them a victim is a victim. It is easy to find new victims, they encourage them, strike them and seduce more to come.I keep my head low, trying no Read more:sorry
, things
The Purging. Part IV 2008-09-05 11:34:13 There is an emptiness going to work these days. I walk through an empty Creative Department and shake my head and the sadness nearly chokes me.If I walk down the hall to get to the newsroom it’s just as bad and I might run into the bitch who caused this department to empty in a half-day.Two of my closest friends worked there and now they’re gone.I could have been the first but I wasn’t. I di
Whopper Jr. Dreams 2008-09-05 11:21:04 Suggestion: Never eat a Whopper Jr. close to 9 p.m. You will dream about nuclear holocaust and lost loves.This happened to me Tuesday night. I wasn’t hungry but I was hungry and I decided I was just hungry enough to want something but not hungry enough to want something I didn’t want.Since Burger King is around the corner I headed there and decided on a Whopper Jr., no lettuce or pickles. I ca Read more:Dreams
NFL Predictions 2008-09-04 21:13:14 It begins tonight. I’ve waited for this since the Super Bowl and it’s finally here.Are you ready for some football? I am. The NFL season begins tonight. My fantasy team is set, I’ve got my three Redskins caps ready and my Cooley jersey hanging up ready for action so all that’s left is the coin toss and the season is under way.In honor of the NFL season beginning, I thought I would bring yo Read more:Predictions
The purging. Part III 2008-09-04 16:27:28 They say people can change the world. There are times, however, when you know you can’t change the world you live in while living in it. The people in charge are immune to change unless they demand it.The changes they demand are usually the most petty policies you can imagine. Here’s one, the dress code. No more jeans on Fridays, a rambling memo designed to satisfy the ego of the Big Man, said
Ashlee’s big rebuttal 2008-09-03 19:45:52 So I’m wondering how do I get a MySpace rebuttal
.Ashlee
Simpson-Wentz got one and I want one.Who cares anyway? This is all part of our sudden fascination with all things celebrity and I don’t get it.Gas prices are soaring, there’s an unpopular war and there’s a presidential election and people are absorbed with the latest gossip on Snoop’s latest pimp cup, what celebrity left who for ano
The Purging. Part II 2008-09-03 04:26:22 The little work world I live in, as fucked up as it is, is cozy in a twisted, macabre way. While there is no room for advancement, it’s a paycheck and a paycheck only. The only way for advancement there is if somebody leaves or dies, or here recently has been laid off, not really for economics, but because of personality clashes with the Big Man.That doesn’t help me because the one job I need
The abbreviated church 2008-09-02 21:11:18 I think I have found the perfect church.If there were more churches like this one I would probably go again.Driving back from golf Sunday me and my cousin noticed this van, the one pictured above. I couldn’t see the scripture at first but as we got closer my cousin noticed the verse was from Acts. Getting closer we read the text and were dumbfounded: “Then Peter said unto them, repent and be b
The Purging. Part I 2008-09-02 17:39:32 The long, reflective Saturday is over. It is now Sunday and I continue to write. I continue to write at 2:30 Monday morning because for the first time in a long time I can’t sleep. This will be a lengthy blog, or column as I like to say, chopped and cut into parts because it has already become a beast.It was a blah Saturday, a bad Saturday, an introspective Saturday. I thought and thought some m
On the perfect Honey Bun 2008-09-01 04:24:21 This column appeared July 16 on MySpaceI am learning a new world. I am enlightened. I now know something I didn’t before and am a better person for it: Not all honey buns are created equal.Flash back to a few months ago when our esteemed sports editor came running in the newsroom after spying the world’s most perfect honey bun in the vending machine.So excited was he that I had to rush to the
On being the bishop 2008-09-01 04:11:58 This column appeared Aug. 6 on MySpaceI am a bishop in the Mormon church. At least that’s what some folks in Utah think.Since I got my gmail account, I occasionally get these e-mails from my brethren and “sistren” from some church out there.If I kept count of the number of mistaken e-mails I have received from the congregation that adores me so, I would say there have been around 20 or more.
Harassment training wednesday 2008-09-24 14:59:16 Today should be fun. We’re having harassment training at work. I avoided the sign-up for a few days but the office manager finally snagged me.I told her she should let me teach the class. I know about harassment, not that I’ve ever been accused of it, but how hard is it not to know about harassment?You don’t mention rusty trombones or “reach arounds” and you don’t talk about members, s Read more:Harassment
The Dead Mule Chronicles 2008-09-23 15:51:45 I’m trying an experiment over at Blogger. It’s called The Dead Mule Chronicles and is my tribute to the Southern Gothic genre of storytelling.It is something I’ve been toying with for a while but haven’t been too serious about getting done.I think the Sermon on the Mountain Dew post sparked me to continue this and I’m looking forward to seeing where the project goes.It will tell the stor
Sermon on the mountain dew 2008-09-22 03:19:45 The young’un’s in the car swilling a two-liter Dew and mamma’s in the store buying rolling papers. Will somebody in the congregation gimme a WTF?I’ve seen some odd white trash, dysfunctional southern gothic crap before but that was the ultimate.Can I get an amen? This is Springer gone severely awry, folks. The kid is gulping a big Dew, most likely warm, down her chubby gullet and mamma’s Read more:Sermon
The locksmith heiress 2008-09-21 22:11:37 We have a bar friend who, for anonymity’s sake, we’ll call Chrissy.Chrissy is attractive, outgoing and outspoken. She is forsaking her birthright, however.She is the locksmith heiress of the city and won’t claim the title. She hates her job at the hospital and believes some job, when it is available, will fall from the sky and plop in her lap.Take the keys, Chrissy! Take the keys!I tell her
My dream vehicles 2008-09-20 21:57:50 Every Friday I update the Driveby info section with photos of things to help you know me better, mainly things I like, photos of me, photos of family, photos of friends.This week I published my dream vehicles. If you bothered to check them out you must be thinking I’ve lost my mind.Not really. Over the years my tastes have grown simpler. I drive a Corolla and I’m happy with it. It gets good ga
The Big Al Diaries: Fin 2008-09-19 19:39:46 Big Al has a new laptop, The other one crashed beyond repair. Since big Al is a friend, I won’t divulge all the details of why it crashed. He obviously wasn’t reading The Spoof in the middle of the afternoon with the screen turned away from customers.Apparently, he says, he went too deep into the site and that was enough for whatever things they put on these sites to attack his computer and re Read more:Diaries
The Big Al diaries: Part I 2008-09-18 20:47:08 The case of the missing Hot Pockets has been solved. Seems the vendor took them back because they were bad.This is why I like going to Big Al’s. There’s always a story and you always learn something at least every other visit.Like Tuesday, I didn’t know Big Al sold Hot Pockets. I rarely shop for them anyway, but knowing Big Al has them is comforting, like knowing a loved one arrived safely o
My angry e-mails 2008-09-17 15:24:44 I have this habit of firing off e-mails when something bothers me. Watching Monday Night Countdown before the Eagles-Cowboys game they yammered on and on about Terrell Owens.I hate TO. I hate Dallas. I fire off an e-mail to ESPN. It made me mad they focus on someone so self-absorbed that I searched hard for the contact link on their Web site, found it and here’s what I wrote:Why must you guys co Read more:angry
The bad car crash, Starbucks 2008-09-16 20:12:30 I’m not sure why I go to Starbucks
like I do.I think it satisfies some twisted perversion I have of seeing people who think they’re at their best be their worst.I’ve probably drank more coffee since Starbucks came to town a few years ago than I have my entire life.If anything, they have made me appreciate coffee, not as much as Dunkin' Donuts has, but I see some weird stuff when I go in ther Read more:crash
More Harvest mix, please 2008-09-15 09:42:56 I think I was challenged to a column the other day. I like to think there is nothing I can’t tackle and put into words.Conceited? Not really. Confident perhaps that any subject thrown to me is column fodder.The text messaging goes like this:Crystal: Tis the season for Harvest
Mix!Me: YummyCrystal: I am half xspectin a blog on itMe: I have 2 write on tube men firstCrystal: Wacky inflatable arm fl
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