Owner: Luggage Tuesdays URL:http://luggagetuesdays.blogspot.com Join Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:18:56 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: From San Francisco comes a text-only video-free clean comedy site. Featuring an ongoing parody of a family restaurant menu and jokes about hot plates and broccoli. Always updated. Site statistics:Click here
Safe Safety Tips 2008-08-08 15:50:34 When it's time for safety, remember to play it safe. Too little safety can lead to serious, not-to-laugh-at health problems, like runny diarrhea. Be sure to be safe and you can enjoy safety safely.Never leave yourself in a hot parked car, especially if you're a baby or a puppy.Remember to breathe regularly. Check your pulse if you're not breathing to see if you're in fact dead.Teach kids to read. Read more:Safety
Salad Jokes 2008: Waldorf Salad Jokes 2008-08-02 17:45:54 File under: SaladJokes
Why did the Waldorf
salad insist on being served with exactly 27 napkins facing north? Because the salad is a little nutty. What did the apples say to the celery? "Stop stalking me!" What do you call a hotel best known for its salad? Not very good. What's the difference between a fruit salad and a Waldorf salad? The lettuce. A man walks into the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel and or
Continuation of Previous Bit: Follow-up Discussion for City Kids 2008-08-01 16:36:35 1. What is the tone of the safety tips? Is it objective or are there ulterior motives? Give three other examples of an unreliable narrator. 2. What is implied about urban living? Compare and contrast this to your parents' suburban upraising. 3. What is the theme of the safety tips? A. Holidays happen all the time. B. Always wear protection. C. If they talk funny, they just might be terrorists. D. Read more:Discussion
Holiday Safety Tips for City Kids 2008-08-01 16:34:30 Holiday Trees Many city denizens illegally discard holiday trees on street corners. If lit on fire, the trees will rapidly be engulfed in an intense white flame, which will quickly extinguish itself. It is for this reason that one should always ignite the tree during peak hours so more people can witness it. Fireworks Don't call attention to noisy fireworks. Only light them in the most run-down pa Read more:Holiday
, Safety
I'd Like to Give a Shout Out to My Entourage 2008-07-30 19:08:27 Not affliated with HBO's "Entourage," HBO's "Entourage Man-a-thon," or HBO2 East's "Win a Date with Jeremy Piven." ...to First-Class, childhood friend, because I love you, man; and business manager, because you're a Jew. ...to Bee, the zany one. ...to Panther, thanks for telling me that amazing story. ...to Zookie, my sponsor and compass. ...to Uzi, who always asks me if I'm finished with that bur
Grads and Dads Everyday Aphorisms Day-to-Day 2008/2009 Desk Calendar 2008-07-10 11:44:48 365 sayings for Grads and Dads apiece (730 sayings total) This calendar is written by Mike Spiegelman, copyright 2008. Happy Father's Day, Dad! And congratulations, Grad! This gift is a celebratory calendar that gives you each your own advice, humor, and wisdom for your next 12-month journey. It's the perfect June present from either a family member or well-wisher. Tuesday, July 1, 2008 Dad: Enjo Read more:Calendar
Sundae Bar Rules 2008-06-25 13:01:57 Ice cream is not included with sundae bar visit and is a separate purchase from our Dessert menu.Not available to those who order the meat Kosher meal.Due to the ephemeral nature of ice cream, please select quickly and keep conversations to a minimum.Do not pour cold milk into the Cheerios bin.Please, no junk dunking.Our all-you-should-eat sundae bar offers you:Sprinkles, jimmies, chocolate sprink Read more:Rules
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 7: Desserts 2008-06-25 13:01:05 Due to rising costs, the sundae bar now shares space with the salad bar. Please follow the Sundae Bar Rules.Malts and shakes can now be found in the Beverages section of the menu, thanks to the recent Supreme Court ruling, State Board v. Fat Kid.New! Spongy Blob Square Cake Are you ready, Dessert Eaters? Aye-aye, Dessert Captain. I can't hear you... Aye-aye, Dessert Captain! Oh! Who tastes like a Read more:Family
Partial Transcripts of the "Hunters for Love" Seminar 2008-06-19 01:29:36 Good evening, my name is Admiral Zeld. I am a vampire hunter. I know what you're thinking, what if Jeff Goldblum and Van Helsing had a baby? (waits for laugh) No? How many vampire hunters are here tonight? Canes up. None? Maybe it's because there's a one-night-only sale on garlic at Shaw's. (waits for laugh) Actually, it's a full moon tonight, everyone's out and about. Totally poor planning on my Read more:Hunters
, Partial
, Seminar
Correction of Previous Bit 2008-06-19 01:17:16 In the previous bit, Grads and Dads Upper Body Spray Gift Pak Deluxe, Now Half-Off!, we failed to acknowledge that Scrabble® Crossword Board Game is a registered trademark. We apologize to Hasbro Inc. and J.W. Spear & Sons Ltd. We do not acknowledge, however, "MM" as a real two-letter word.
Grads and Dads Upper Body Spray Gift Pak Deluxe, Now Half-Off! 2008-06-17 16:15:40 Your young stud is graduating and you like how he smells: confused. Stir up his hormonal swamp with this tawdry present of alluring aromas from Upper
Body Spray
s. It's ideal for shirtless basketball games, first dates, or discos populated by Europeans. Like your torrid affair, he'll wear it until he knows better. Or, you forgot Father's Day and have to send Dad a present. This could pass at this p Read more:Deluxe
Legal Assistant Jokes 2008-06-07 12:24:08 What do you say to a legal assistant who's just been attacked by a pack of wolves?"Where's my coffee?"Why won't sharks attack legal assistants?Not worth it. What's the difference between a legal assistant and a bucket of shit?I didn't notice the legal assistant has been in the conference room this whole time.What do you call 20 legal assistants trapped in a volcano?Guess you can call the temp agen Read more:Assistant
, Jokes
Endings to this Summer's Blockbuster Movies 2008-05-27 11:52:01 A sequel has been established (Exception, Iron Man: Four sequels have been established). Animated movie offers ersatz bloopers. The old guy survives all his adventures. The cast and crew sing a song and pretend to be happy. You remember the twist ending from an '80s episode of Twilight Zone. Mike Myers looks into the camera and shrugs. Look out! The shark isn't dead yet! There is an ending to Spee Read more:Blockbuster
, Summer
The Super Secret "But I'm Ironman"/"But I'm Batman" Game 2008-05-23 18:07:24 Playing Field: Inside automobile, preferably during car trip. Players: two siblings, backseat; parent or friend's parent driving. Best played: Immediately after The "But I'm Ironman
"/"But I'm Batman
" Game. Same as The "But I'm Ironman"/"But I'm Batman" Game, but whisper it. Play until driver snaps at your sibling, and not you. Game log: Shirley: (whispering) But I'm Ironman. Leo: (whispering) But Read more:Super
The "But I'm Ironman"/"But I'm Batman" Game 2008-05-23 18:02:28 Playing field: Inside automobile, preferably during car trip. Players: Two siblings, backseat; parent or friend's parent driving. Each sibling picks one side of titled argument. One begins by stating: "But I'm Ironman
!" The other retorts with, "But I'm Batman
!" Continue in this fashion until driver pulls over and threatens physical harm if the game is ever, ever, ever played again. Game log: Shirl
Family Restaurant Menu Part 6.8: Entrees: Specialty Diet Specials 2008-05-17 22:05:03 We no longer serve porkless bacon after our entire supply mysteriously imploded.New! Hot Garden Salad contains no raw vegetables We toss boiled tomato wedges, fried celery, baked radishes, stir-fried green onions, sautéed bell peppers, freshly baked croutons and peeled roasted chestnuts over a bed of steamed lettuce. Served with melted blue cheese dressing.New! Plate of "Raw" Brownies Here's a de Read more:Family
, Specials
, Specialty
Correction of Previous Bit 2008-05-16 08:49:08 In the previous bit, Superhero Obituaries, we mistakenly reported the demise of Super Captain Seven at the hands of his adversary, Ultimate Major Z. Eyewitnesses have confirmed it wasn't Cap after all, but instead his Eccentrico Galaxy alternative universe doppelgänger, Neves Niatpac Repus. We sincerely apologize to the Captain's cyberfamily and cyberfriends.
Superhero Obituaries 2008-05-16 08:47:01 Galaxy Ghoul, age unknown, died Tuesday, from complications of a comet. He is survived by his two foster children and a space chimp.The Brain Teaser, 89, died Monday of suffocation after locking himself in his car.Super Captain Seven, age unknown, died this morning, battling Ultimate Major Z on some planet.
Read more:Superhero
What Did You Think About Your Complementary Glass of Water? 2008-05-14 16:26:21 It was our pleasure to serve you a free glass of water, and now it's our pleasure to ask you to "freely" rate it.1. How was your glass of water?__ Good __ Disappointing1.5 How was the service?__ Disappointing __ OK2. Was the glass of water to your specifications?__ Yes __ No2.5 (If "No") What was wrong?__ I said, "No ice." __ Iced water not room-temperature2.8 (If "No") In the future, what do you Read more:Complementary
, Glass
Children's Letters to St. Jude 2008-05-08 20:48:27 Thank you, St. Jude. Roger, Age 6St. Jude, you suck. Psyche! You're cool, even if you're lame. Double Psyche! Lance, Age 11Thank you, St. Jude, for giving me the strength to sit through Transformers: The Movie. Why do robots fight over a cube? WTF? Maria, Age 9St. Jude, I've requested your assistance over the last five years of my life and you were always there. I am 5 and three-fourths years old. Read more:Children
, Letters
New Attitudes 2008-05-04 18:16:33 Can-DoStreet EducatedWinner Take AllBorn AgainDon't Give a ShitStreet SmartPeachy KeenFeeling Good From My Head to My ShoesEasy Does ItStreet SavvyTeam PlayerFahrvergroovinDevil May Care, or CryShort-Term Memory LossStreet Stupid
Now hear this 2008-05-01 13:43:14 Introducing...audio tracks from Luggage Tuesdays are available at MuxtapeAlso check out:Additional material at Luggage TumblrsLuggage Tuesdays video at YouTubeLuggage Tuesdays on TwitterLuggage Tuesdays on Friendfeed
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 6.7: Entrees: Seafood 2008-04-23 19:17:48 Management requests patrons not to tell the "Whenever I see food, I eat it" joke to the staff, as per the ruling of John Doe vs. Waitress Who Snapped.New! Lobster ShrimpMove over, jumbo shrimp! This shrimp is so big, it's shaped like lobsters. It's served over steaming hot rice-shaped couscous, with a wedge of cantaloupe-sized lemon.New! Paella Jambalaya Etouffee GumboDon't worry if you can't pron Read more:Family
Plug: See Luggage Tuesdays performed live this Wednesdays 2008-04-19 09:49:42 After a successful debut last month at the Stage Werx, Mike Spiegelman will be performing a short set of selections from LuggageTuesdays
this Wednesday as part of the Comedian Showcase at Our Little Theater in San Francisco. East Bay fans of the comedian can rejoice, knowing Spiegelman will also be performing his stand-up act at Spud's Pizza and Brew in Berkeley this Friday.Links at Upcoming.yaho Read more:Wednesdays
New Drinking Game. You Gotta Drink When... 2008-08-20 19:53:16 ...you laugh at SpongeBob SquarePants....NPR's Fresh Air with Terry Gross reviews another show on HBO....people complaining about a baby on an airplane are louder than the actual baby....you wake up late for work....a school bus has the right of way....Penny Marshall has more speaking lines than you do (Cindy Williams only)....your sneakers start making squeaking noises....Helen Thomas won't leave Read more:Drink
, Drinking
, Gotta
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 8: Breakfast 2008-09-16 18:46:35 Breakfast Served All Day, Except During BrunchMorning DewsCheck out Beverages in our menu for lunch and dinner related drinks.Liquid StartersMust look 21 years or older.Mimosa - Fresh orange juice mixed with champagne.Maxosa - Fresh orange juice mixed with Royal Gate Vodka.Bloody Mary - Tomato juice, vodka, Tabasco Sauce, celery stalk, radish, hugged by our bartenderBloodless Mary - Vodka, Tabasco Read more:Breakfast
, Family
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.5: Brunch: Letters to the Editors of the Sunday Brunch Menu 2008-10-08 21:53:43 Editors, Your recent parody of Personality Parade by Walter Scott plays down the unhealthy dangers of breakfast pancake sandwiches ("Family
Restaurant Menu, Part 9.3: Sunday
Celebrity Solicitation Section by Sir Walter Scott"). Why, one McGriddle alone has 21 grams of fat and 245 milligrams of cholesterol. Breakfast pancake sandwiches are no laughing matter. A. Renegade Editors, Bring back the vot Read more:Brunch
, Editors
, Letters
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.6: Brunch: Sunday Comics Brunch Menu 2008-10-08 21:39:03 Due to legal reasons, we are unable to include the visual images of Sunday
newspaper comics promoting our brunch specials. Here are vague transcriptions: Sardonic Cat Pet Owner: Got a date today with Marci! Sardonic Cat: Yeah, right. Pet Owner: Gonna go out for brunch! Sardonic Cat: Do even you know what brunch is? Pet Owner: Sure, it's the sound you make when you munch on something cold. Sardonic Read more:Brunch
, Comics
, Family
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.4: Brunch: Brunch Time Theater insert 2008-10-08 21:38:49 This restaurant proudly presents live entertainment every Sunday morning at 10:30 am. First Sunday of the month: Open Mic Stand-Up Comedy Comedians wait their turn and don't order drinks. Sign-up 5:30 am. Featuring Creepy the Comic, Emotional Life Waster, and Mike Spiegelman. Second Sunday of the month: Murder Mystery Actors stay in character and walk up to your table and emote something about a c Read more:Brunch
, Family
, insert
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