Owner: tamiki.com - Witty Ramblings Of A Lower Class Immigrant URL:http://www.tamiki.com Join Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2007 08:17:44 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Tamiki.com is an original humor site with witty, clever, and hilarious writing. Many posts are inspired by or revolve around serious social, political or economic issues.They are all funny...sometimes. Written by a 22 year old math student. Site statistics:Click here
Redman is Don King and Johnnie Cochran’s child 2007-05-07 22:37:29 What’s up with all the African American and Hispanic boxers? Clearly, dogs and roosters that lost in dog and cock fights, respectively, were reincarnated as boxing promoters to get revenge. That is why Don King has that wacky fro.
A new meaning to the term “cock fight.” If I could draw, I’d draw a picture of giant roosters putting humans in a ring… they’d call it Bloodsport (but without Jean Claude Van Damme). You would laugh at that, but I can’t draw. So just picture it in your head, and laugh..
Read more:Redman
, Johnnie
, Cochran
, child
Investment guru makes new move - Part 4 2007-05-07 00:00:34 Click here for Part 1. You can do a search for “buffet,” for the other posts, on your left.
Two years ago, billionaire investor Warren Buffet bought a huge stake in the Anheuser Busch beer brewing company. His reasoning was that “there is a high probability that people will be drinking alcohol until the end of humanity.”
Today, in a strikingly similar manner, billionaire investor Warren Buffet has just announced the purchase of the world’s largest steroid manufacturing company. He stated, “100 years from now, people will still be watching Major League Baseball.”
Read more:makes
The morning after a one night stand, you won’t have makeup on anyway… But you might need a prescription morning after pill 2007-05-06 01:34:29
At the drug store, you always get your prescription
s in orange plastic bottles. But drug makers still insist on having graphic designers make interesting box designs for the original bottle the pills came in. Why? Obviously, they are looking out for the bored pharmacist.
So you get your prescription anti-wrinkle pills, but WTF? It’s in an orange bottle. What about the airbrushed woman on the box cover who’s supposed to make you feel inadequate about your left pinkie toe? Non-prescription makeup has them, but you’ll always get presciption beauty products in the orange bottle.
Forget the actual makeup. In the makeup aisle, they should sell Jackie Kennedy masks, right next to the Richard Nixon ones.
Because come on… Makeup box covers are advertising. It’s like a McDonald’s commercial except the Hamburglar has a Nixon mask on. Think about your last Big Mac… Do you really think McDonald’s serves this:
So when you finally realize makeup doe
A Literary Critique of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest 2007-05-10 03:27:24
Now, George Bush was the Governor of Texas. Didn’t the Texans realize what the rest of the country did once he became President, and opened his mouth?
No, they didn’t. We obviously “misoverestimated” the whole of Texas. We are the dumb ones, because we like chicken fried steak more than leadership. Mmmmm… fried…
Read more:Literary
, Critique
, Cuckoo
, One Flew
Random and corny nonsense 2007-05-09 08:13:06 If Stevie Wonder was ever convicted of a crime, I’d want the judge to tell him that it’s time to face the music.
Do fortune tellers always play their cards right?
I quit my job at the zoo, because my mother told me not to be involved in any monkey business.
Isn’t it bad luck to name your restaurant “A flash in the pan?”
Doing the 6 AM news has to be one of the worst jobs, because who wants to get up at 4 AM just to report to the world that Al Sharpton just got highlights in his hair?
Use a gun… killing two birds with one bullet - now that’s a trick. Only Palestinians try to kill two birds with one stone.
Someone told a girl that my friend, Seth, has a great sense of humor. So she came into the room and said, “Seth, I hear you spit gold.”
“Only when he’s dating a blond,” I replied.
A spitting image
As a side note, this is what happens when people repeat something they heard from someone else, without thinking: A Read more:Random
This is why the Luftwaffe was created 2007-05-09 02:58:45
This car does not start in the rain… or extreme cold. The engine of this car purrs like a cat… with tuberculosis. It is my mother’s 1996 Volkswagen Jetta.
Three of four hub caps are missing, and the car’s odometer stopped working around 149,000 miles. The speedometer does not work at all. The gas can has a dent in it, which causes the gas gauge to display faulty data, like US intelligence.
Another feature is that it has a radio… that does not work - great if you hate listening to Justin Timberlake.
The lock heads were cut off in an attempted burglary, but the car could not be hotwired by the theives… because it was raining. It does have power locks and a working Heater/Air Conditioner.
Amazingly, this car has a working power sun roof and moon roof. But it does not have power windows. Go figure. Why doesn’t it have power windows, when the technology exists elsewhere in the car? Why is it so difficult to get the windows open?
There is only o
A mother's day ballad - tamiki.com's first ballad 2007-05-13 19:19:05 Disclaimer: I do not hate homsexuals. I am merely pointing out some of the complexities of our open culture and society in the west in a light hearted, fun way. I am an equal opportunity offender, as evidenced by other posts on this website.
This is the ballad of mother
’s day
written by two men who are gay
We adopted a boy, and named him Jill
and at night, she takes an estrogen pill
Jill doens’t know who his mommy is
so this year, we said that Tommy is
Today we rock paper scissored for it
’cause between us there’s nary a tit
We’d say, “Praise be to God for baby formula”
but we’re not Muslims who believe in Allah
Years ago we got married in Massachusetts
despite our families’ best threats
And Jill has long hair and a long penis
and a boyfriend who we call Venus
Last year, Jill tried to slit his wrists
he was harassed by Southern Baptists
On mother’s day, Jill has a very hard time
but his gift of KY jelly is sublime
But in our m
Have you ever said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity?" and other random filler 2007-05-13 07:45:20 I recently called tech support for Old Navy, the clothing store.
Tech support: Sir, have you tried unzipping the fly before you urinate?… Thank you so much for shopping with us.
Oh… okay, problem solved. Seriously, I’m writing this because of something else. I know I’ve made at least two references to outsourced tech support already on this site, but…
Gandhi spun his own fabric, and made his own clothes. And these people from India are working as Old Navy customer service?!?!??!
He must be rolling over his own spinning jenny in his grave.
People say that a date is like an interview. That is B.S. Send me on a date with 5 girls at the same time and then I’ll agree.
My dates are more like a Charles Manson parole board hearing…
Yesterday, I conducted my own psychology experiment. For the longest time, the mailman has been leaving the mailbox flap open when he delivers the mail. The flap is open, he puts the mail in, and then leaves.
So I decide Read more:filler
One of the many spam letters in my inbox: 2007-05-11 20:00:05 Suicide Risk Said Higher for Veterans
http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/05/10/ap3708804.html
Dear reader,
I am a US Green Beret that was trapped in solitary confinement in a Chinese prison for the last 12 years. I am back in the States, but the government has forgotten about me. I do not exist to them.
But now, the internet allows veterans like me to extend a virtual coffee cup for your change. You no longer have to see my dirty, unkept, wheelchaired ass on the street, begging for some nickels with my stinky breath.
The Chinese tortured me extensively by playing Celine Dion and Christina Aguirielelialaierlirilai records. I only managed to escape by smuggling a spork from my last meal to the torture room. The government taught me how to kill with 14 different utensils. Alas, they didn’t teach me how to use chopsticks, otherwise I’d have escaped on the first day.
Before I started using the internet, I’d panhandle on the New York City subways. Other bums extended base
On Decency by John Stuart Mill 2007-05-11 07:42:13
The 10th of May 14, 2007 (Year of the Pig in Chinese):
This post is also entitled “Come back when the soup kitchen cares - Part 2.” Click here for part 1.
I’ve been posting a lot of crap lately, and this post is about just that. Crap and my posting of it. This post is not coherent. This is a semi-rant and filler content. Writing original humor is not easy. There is no reposted content, stick figure comics, or caption contests on this website. Read this semi-rant at your own discretion. There is plenty of other material for you to read on the site if you don’t want to read this.
Often times, when I blow my nose, the last booger is stuck to one of my nose hairs… I’m sure you’ve had this problem before… Please tell me you’ve had this problem before, if only to make me feel better. No matter how hard I blow my nose, that booger won’t let go. It’s like India Jones holding on to the rope of a bridge, cut at one end, in the Read more:Stuart
Even more unfunny shit from when I was high 2007-05-11 03:32:20 When a charactoon character eatings something hot and spicy (like a pepper), they show it my making him breathe fire. That’s why kids don’t want to eat any damn vegetables. They equate peppers with breathing fire.
“Elmer Fudd, why are you breathing fire when you ate that pepper.”
“Aduhhh, uhhh, cause it’s hot.”
I’ve never seen a coffee commercial for dunkin donuts, where a customer drinks coffee and spews fire from his mouth.
And guess what, have you ever heard a kid say, “I don’t want any coffee?” No. They beg for that shit. They want to drink it, even though it is hot.
Okay, no more “I am high” posts. 3 unfunnies in enough.
I didn't know retards got hungry - more shit from when I was high 2007-05-11 03:27:20 International Federation of Competitive Eating - IFOCE - http://www.ifoce.com/
Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest - www.nathansfamous.com/nathans/contest/
Disclaimer: I am not a hater of mentally handicapped people. I had one as an imaginary friend growing up. This post may be offensive if you, or a loved one, is retarded, or if you’re a member of the IFOCE. Read only if you think you can stomach it. har har har, corny pun
Nathan’s hot dog eating competition is just one of those things, you know…
I thought, “What if they had a rice eating competition… with chopsticks?” I can’t use chopsticks for shit, it’s too damn hard. I don’t have the coordination.
Then I thought, “shit.” How does a retarded Chinese person do it? How can a mentally challenged person possess more coordination than me? Retards in America drink their food through a straw. They can’t even use a spoon. So what the hell is in that damn Chinese
I wrote this when I was high, so it was funny to me 2007-05-11 03:04:45 My friend bought me a road atlas, and I told him, “I don’t own a damn car.” How about a sidewalk atlas, for the times I take my dog for a walk. Or when I go with my girlfriend for a stroll, because I’m too cheap to take her anywhere else. Or simply when I’d like to spice it up a bit when going to the grocery store or bank. And while we’re on the subject, why don’t they call the sidewalk “the road,” and call the road “the sidedrive?” I’m sure that’s how the British do it.
Also, sidewalk is a discriminatory name, because I’m in a damn wheelchair. I call it the sideroll. Now imagine cleaning up after your dog, and having sex with your girlfriend when you’re in a wheelchair.
He got me a road Atlas, but I don’t need someone who is going to shrug when he holds up the road. I need something provides security when holding up elevated roads, like a beam. Note: I do not like Ayn Rand.
Okay, chances ar Read more:wrote
oh tamiki, you didn’t do that, did you… 2007-05-16 03:55:43
I went to the Staples customer service counter and asked the representative if the “easy” button applied to girls as well… She was not amused.
When I winked at her and said, “The ad says I can make things easy, like you,” she called security.
Good thing there is an office max nearby - I think they have a “slightly less annoying, difficult, and offensive” button… Maybe it’ll work on me.
I’m not a completely terrible person, I just needed something to write about…
Next to the Staples is a McDonalds. I’ve noticed that the Burger King employees are consistenly less attractive than the McDonalds employees in my neighborhood.
I realized that the Burger King is twice as close to my house, and that’s why the attractive girls work at the McDonalds.
I’ve sure they’ve heard about the “easy button” prank.
random filler 2007-05-16 01:28:07 I saw a special news feature about a male hawk in Austrailia who returned to his nest, only to find her partner laid eggs fertilized by another male.When his partner flew off to eat, he kicked the eggs out of the nest.
Clearly, the hawk was a democrat.
Read more:filler
Get, that, dirt off your shoulder… 2007-05-14 19:46:10 If you haven’t seen tamiki.com’s first award in its two month existence, here it is:
If you think there is still time to get AA’s message of hope, you’ve misread the award. Congratulations, you are probably still under the influence and should nominate a loved one.
This was awarded to tamiki.com by tamiki. Don’t forget to check out the “required reading” category, and peruse the “witty lines” at your leisure.
White people listen to rap music on white iPods 2007-05-14 14:34:27 Note: Like all other posts here, this article is not meant to be taken seriously. “And if you don’t know, now you know, nigga… ”
My non-iPod MP3 player was stolen by one of NYC’s many minority groups. This minority on minority crime has to end, but I guess who ever did it couldn’t have known I was a minority. I guess stealing is okay in order to feed your baby, because you’re a minority who is:
1) 17 years old
2a) and the baby’s father is in jail
2b) or decided he was too young to help support the kid
3a) and you have 3 other kids to support
3b) or your sweatshop job pays next to nothing
4) and you send money and non-iPod MP3 players back home to whatever awful third world country you same from
I bought my bizzaro iPod (aka Creative Muvo or something) 2 years ago. It was small, sleek and cheap ($70). A little thicker than the original iPod shuffle, but with a display and the ability to sort with folders. Alas poor Muvo! I knew him Hora Read more:people
Investment guru makes new move - Part 5 2007-05-19 14:54:45 Click here for Part 1. You can do a search for “buffet,” for the other posts, on your left. The joke in this one is a little different than the rest. The joke is reversed, and not as obvious.
Two years ago, billionaire investor Warren Buffet bought a huge stake in the Anheuser Busch beer brewing company. His reasoning was that “there is a high probability that people will be drinking alcohol until the end of humanity.”
Today, in a strikingly similar manner, billionaire investor Warren Buffet has just announced the purchase of the world’s largest poster board manufacturer. He stated, “10,000 years from now, there will still be wildlife for PETA to pretend it’s protecting.”
Read more:makes
I’ll post something good after my finals are over… don’t be greedy… :) 2007-05-19 14:26:11
I’m a Pakistani kid who is 5 feet, 5 inches (my picture’s in the animated banner). When the movie Harold and Kumar go to White Castle opened up, I went to with a Korean friend to see it.
I went up to the ticket counter and said, “Two for Eddy and Mahmoud go to Burger King, please.”
Mahmoud isn’t my real name, but she said, “uhhh… we aren’t playing that.”
“It’s a joke,” I said.
She looked at my asian friend, finally got it, and started giggling. Then she said pointing to my friend, “He could pass, but you… you’re too short.”
Read more:something
, finals
, greedy
You’ve walked randomly on the web to this site… 2007-05-19 07:06:55 You see how corny it is, but as least now you can form an expectation.
Approved by tamiki as a very geeky probability theory joke.
Russell Peter says, “Somebody gonna get hurt real bad” 2007-05-18 21:44:47 Note: This website is not about reposting content from other parts of the web. You can go to “So Silly…” for that. That being said, I am not reposting this image just for the sake of it. Read below, please:
Now, how exactly do you coerce a 12 year old girl, who is aggressive enough to engage in bullying behavior, to do something like this? Ironically humorous… interesting to think about…
Mom makes daughter who bullied hold a poster in front of schools
http://www.pe.com/localnews/southwestarea/stories/PE_News_Local_D_bully17.3f7a9b4.html
Read more:Russell
, Peter
, Somebody
, gonna
okay tamiki, they should have your arrested… or at least sent to Orange County 2007-05-18 20:41:19 One day, after a big terror threat in the news, I passed a busy crowded street while walking to school.
I was carrying a large text book - accounting, I think. I got a twisted idea, and I dropped the textbook from over my head, making sure it slammed flat on the ground.
BOOOOOOM!!!!!!!! It made a large clapping noise. Immediately, 5 people ducked and covered their heads…
I know, I know, it was the wrong thing to do… My psychiatrist is helping me now. Love me because I am trying to get better.
Read more:arrested
, least
, Orange
, County
, Orange County
Traffic Report on the ones - random silly puns and stuff 2007-05-18 00:21:14 A stalled bar on the corner of West 86th and Lexington is creating less congestion around the surrounding urinals. We advise seizing this opportunity for unloading (no dumping) at the urinals - A standing only zone, no parking allowed. Becareful not to cut anyone or anything off while zipping up. No blow drying in the bathroom - washing hands not permitted, you homo. The yellow light means everything is functioning. Green means drink more water. Red means get your ass to the emergency room (stole this last part from a Mitch Hedberg joke about bananas).
Thank you for reading this installment of toilet humor (another pun intended). Silly and corny, tamiki always asscracks himself up…
Read more:stuff
On death, taxes and finals 2007-05-17 20:23:19 Now that the college semester is wrapping up, people (who don’t have finals
) are going around saying, “I’m done, I’m finished!”
I still have finals, so I say, with a smile, “Really, when are they burying you?”
Always get a giggle from the ladies. Taxes don’t seem so bad now, do they…
Read more:death
Absent note from my therapist 2007-05-20 23:12:09 To whom it may concern:
Tamiki is napping right now. He is currently taking one anti-depressant (celexa), one anti-psychotic (abilify), and a non-benzodiazepine sedative (ambien). He used to be on a benzodiazepine twenty times stronger than valium (klonopin), but had a terrible reaction to it. (edit from tamiki: the reaction felt really good )
He also has finals, and thus will not be able to write anything funny. Please be understanding of his situation, and allow him to make up his work.
Tamiki is also wondering if interior design decorators who specialize in ergonomic design ever misplace their keys like the rest of the industrialized world.
Sincerely,
Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting (even though Tamiki is not a genius)
P.S. Feel free to peruse the rest of this site at your leisure.
Man’s best friend: What the Bible left out 2007-05-20 05:31:10
The first caveman went to have sex with his cavedog. But the cavedog said, “Let’s just be friend
s.”
Thus it came to pass that female cavedogs would be known as “bitches.”
Read more:best friend
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