Owner: tamiki.com - Witty Ramblings Of A Lower Class Immigrant URL:http://www.tamiki.com Join Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2007 08:17:44 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Tamiki.com is an original humor site with witty, clever, and hilarious writing. Many posts are inspired by or revolve around serious social, political or economic issues.They are all funny...sometimes. Written by a 22 year old math student. Site statistics:Click here
Oh…Einstein was from Germany! 2007-04-14 05:13:51 Right before I fell asleep in physics class yesterday, my professor showed us the apparatus and experiment used to determine the charge of a particle, like a negatively charged electron.
The particle goes in, it bends, and physicists get giddy. Our professor told us the apparatus is called Wilson’s Gas Chamber, and was developed in the early 20th century. Thinking Wilson was from Germany
, my Heisenberg uncertainty became aroused.
Later, because of Al Gore’s invention, The Internet, I found out that it is actually called a “cloud chamber,” and Wilson was, in fact, from Scotland. This was a positive development, indeed. Charles Thomson Rees Wilson also wore a kilt and occasionally tossed caber. Another plus.
Wilson never built a gas chamber in early 20th century Germany. And so, both Gore and Wilson are exonerated from any wrong doing related to the holocaust. All is well, particles still bend, and I feel good. Back in physics class:
Before I fell asleep, I asked Read more:Einstein
Come back tomorrow, when the soup kitchen cares! 2007-04-16 08:54:10 Like I mentioned a few posts ago, I haven’t had time to post because of school work and drug use. But I have to come clean: another reason is my greediness. I have a hard time sharing my laughter and amusement with others. I’ve got some good content brewing, but I’m just wallowing in my elation, all alone. Isn’t that what capitalism and America is all about? Not sharing and not caring (also known as “not giving a shit”)? Don’t go all FDR and New Deal on me now.
Seriously, I’ve just been busy with school and drugs. I’m beginning to think I should do my drugs while actually in school, so that I can focus on my homework at home. One of the many projects I have is the dreaded Google PageRank, dominant eigenvector algorithm project. Without the boring math details, it basically calculates what the public likes, and it’s how Google works. My professor thinks it’s neat that math made some guys very rich, but is a little bitter since he Read more:tomorrow
I do blow, and I want to hide my dilated pupils 2007-04-21 11:06:13 One night, I got into a nightclub, or on the subway. I can’t remember which one, but I’ve never been to a nightclub in my life. Anyway, I was either indoors or underground, minding my own business, when the subway/nightclub shook, and an attractive, tall brunette bumped into me.
She smiled and apologized, and I took this opportunity to strike out, er, strike up a conversation.
When I asked, “So, uhm… do you get on this stop often,” she smirked and ignored me.
I didn’t like her rudeness, so I decided to take a chance.
I looked the bitchy, high-heeled woman dead in her sunglasses and said, “So, I see you’re a big fan of Ray Charles.”
“What? No, I’m not, and I don’t talk to strangers,” she replied.
Sometimes you have to gamble, and I guess she was a Stevie Wonder fan. It was 50/50.
She got off at the 42nd street stop, where I figure the Intrepid was carrying her F-117 Stealth Bomber.
“Wait! You left your
What numba on the menu you want? 2007-04-20 23:01:54 Disclaimer: This is an offensive post. If you don’t know about this site, go to the “about tamiki.com” link to find out. I am not racist or anti-semetic. Also, if you don’t know much about New York City, you should probably either not form an opinion about this post or maybe even read it.
After many years of eating cheap Chinese take out, I began to wonder why the Chinese restaurant workers always rubbed me as impolite.
I thought about the Chinese having difficultly pronouncing the letters “r” and “l.” Can’t blame them, Sesame Street is banned in China. Something about Snuffleupagus reminding the Chinese about the Opium Wars.
Anyway, I realized that this is why the lady never says “please” when she takes my order at the Chinese restaurant. It is also why she never says “sorry,” when she screws my order up.
I don’t have an explanation for why she never says “thank you” when she takes my money
Red-light value menu 2007-04-23 07:01:37 A few hours after the sun set, I put on my aviator sunglasses, sprayed some binaca into my mouth, and hopped into my Ferrari. When I arrived at the Burger King drive thru I ordered the number 2 with cheese, and a Dr. Pepper, no ice. Total: $ 7.89.
I drove to the window, paid for my meal, and told the Burger King employee that I didn’t want the 11 cents in change.
“Why not? You don’t know what you can get with 11 cents,” she said in a flitarious tone.
“What? A Bazooka Joe and an hour with you,” I said, in a tone that reeked of “I don’t give a shit about you, and that’s why you love me.”
“Only if you were a king size,” the Burger King employee shouted angrily as she threw the Dr. Pepper in my face.
“Bitch!”
I sped off, blasting German techno music in my red Ferrari, which has a shiny, silver sticker on the rear windshield that reads, “OVERCOMPENSATING.” Good thing I ordered my drink without i Read more:light
Investment guru makes new move - Part 3 2007-04-22 07:01:56 Click here for Part 1
Two years ago, billionaire investor Warren Buffet bought a huge stake in the Anheuser Busch beer brewing company. His reasoning was that “there is a high probability that people will be drinking alcohol until the end of humanity.”
Today, in a strikingly similar manner, billionaire investor Warren Buffet has just announced the purchase of the world’s largest wire hanger maker. He stated, “100 years from now, people will still be voting Republican.”
Unfortunately, you really have to click the link to get it:
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=3062192&page=1
Read more:makes
The marginal utility of attendance has been depleted 2007-04-27 07:17:15
During my sophomore year of college, I had an economics professor who used to repeat everything twice, everything twice.
In the middle of the semester, I went up to him to get a copy of some recent assignments, because I had been cutting class. Cutting class… a lot.
“Why haven’t you been coming to class,” my professor angrily asked me.
“Well… since you repeat everything twice, I figured I only have to show up half the time.”
True story. I passed his class, but ultimately got an F in macro.
I need my fix, tamiki! 2007-04-26 20:45:21 Disclaimer (serious, but funny): In man’s pursuit of knowledge through scientific experimentation, it is not rare for two or more men to near-simultaneously make the same discovery independently. A very recent example of this is option-pricing with Black, Scholes and Merton. An older example is conservation of energy with some dead European guys. Thus will be the case with the 2nd to last line of this post. There are 6 billion people on this planet, and these things do happen. Although, I doubt that anyone utilized Tweety Bird as I have. That being said, two people on opposite ends of the earth never simultaneously ran out of the house, naked and dripping wet, shouting “EUREKA!” That’s a 10 sigma event. Silly Archimedes.
Anyway
you’re asking: tamiki, where is the content based on real, serious social, political and economic issues that you promised us in the about tamiki.com section? The stuff that forces me to think a bit.
tamiki: I know you’re star
Text sells. Adapted from Sex Sells. Obviously. 2007-04-26 20:43:02 There is an online directory/social network/blog community called MyBlogLog. I joined it to attract visitors to my site. Since I’m an applied math major, I conducted a rigorous statistical analysis of this action’s efficacy.
Results: Blind people and eunuchs show no preference towards other sites over mine.
Abstract: On MyBlogLog, you can upload your avatar, and also a screenshot of your website. Some people decide to upload a picture of an attractive woman not only for their avatar, but also their website screenshot. This gets them more traffic. Not a novel idea, but time tested and mother approved. Instead of fighting fire with fire, I got bitter. So I uploaded my own screenshot:
Then I drank myself to sleep, and dreamed up the drinking blogger award. Then I brushed my principles aside, and posted a grainy, low resolution image of Ginger and Mary Ann, from the original Gilligan’s island TV show, in the post right before this one.
Full text: If you would like to a Read more:Sex Sells
Tamiki.com gets its first award! 2007-04-25 12:18:17 Yes, Tamiki.com has received its first award since casting off in mid March of this year. We lost the Skipper and Gilligan, but Ginger and Mary Ann are safely stowed away.
See the award here, or click on the “tamiki.com awards” link in the “Nautical Charts” navigation bar to your left - that’s the port side for all you pirates. Arrr…
Fugu, more fugu… 2007-04-24 08:41:44 Sushi is a fish best served cold… … … … (read the comment if you haven’t gotten it yet).
Art Vandelay…I’m an architect 2007-04-24 06:01:51 Notice: This blurb is a sequel to the story “Back of the queue buddy!” That story is required reading for anyone who wants to understand this post, or is a fan of tamiki, tamiki.com, humor, comedy, Seinfeld, or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Or simply has sadistic tendencies. The other thing: This story and that story are true. I am not making this or that up. This is not a joke, but funny nonetheless.
In brief, I threw a fit in my college cafeteria, the likes of which has not been seen since the 8 year old Dalai Lama found out his dead goldfish was reincarnated as Mao Zedong.
A short while after the bay of bacon fiasco, I found myself on a few different lines - at the bank, at the grocery store, at central booking. While waiting, I asked some of the people on line with me if I was right or wrong. Most said, “iunno.” A few said, “You are right.” Others said, “You are obsessing.” To which I replied, “So does that mean you think I’m righ
Working girls doing tricks for treats 2007-04-30 07:57:05 Disclaimer: This post is not for the weak hearted. If, after reading this, you feel so inclined, please contact your state legislature to inquire about the protections, if any, afforded to US citizens and resident aliens who have been forced into child prostitution. This post was inspired by the New York Magazine article that can be found here:
The 13-Year-Old Prostitute: Working Girl or Sex Slave?
http://nymag.com/news/features/30018/
If the link does not work, the full text can be read here.
The New York Magazine article is much more interesting than what I write below. It is a little longer than other posts, so menopause may occur before you reach the end. If it does, then congatulations; becoming a prostitute will be much easier for you!
My name is Mya, and I turned my first trick when I was 13.
And no, I am not a ghetto magician. The only hood I wear is on my clitoris. But I did once make David Copperfield’s penis disappear…
My pimp, Rumsfeld, drove me to the w Read more:doing
, tricks
, treats
Charisma… 2007-04-29 13:35:54 Bill Clinton survived impeachment proceedings as the country learned about his infidelity, and Osama bin Laden called him an infidel. And people love him for that (infidelity), because he had charisma.
Here is the hopeful President’s charisma swab, with Bill Clinton as our example:
When Bill Clinton says, “I indeed had penis to vagina contact with your mother,”
You still love him. You can’t help but feel a rush of emotion and forgive him.
That’s charisma…
When Barack Obama says, “I indeed had penis to vagina contact with your mother,”
You were hoping it was Colin Powell instead, and think less of your mother.
America just isn’t ready…
When Rudy Giuliani says, “I indeed had penis to vagina contact with your mother,”
You are understanding of his plight, and know that a bald man can’t do any better.
You’ve probably been there before yourself…
When Hilary Clinton says, “I indeed had penis to
We don’t turn away yer kind 2007-04-28 15:11:34 Disclaimer: This is the “I am not racist” disclaimer. I am not racist. For more information about this site, please check out the about tamiki.com page.
Dear Johnny Rockets Board of Directors:
I am writing to inform you of an extremely disturbing situation. A few days ago, I followed 2 Jewish American Princesses and 1 spicy Latina, wearing velour pants and Louis Vuitton bags, into the Johnny Rockets in quint little Forest Hills, Queens in New York. Okay… the Latina did not have a Louis Vuitton bag.
On your website, www.johnnyrockets.com, you write that your restaurant “is an international retro diner chain that provides the food and friendliness reminiscent of feel-good Americana.” When I was lured into the restaurant by the sirens, who had “Juicy,” “Hot Stuff,” and “Sir Mix-a-lot” on the butts of their pants, I was shocked by what I saw. The manager of this diner is black!
How can you claim that patrons will “en
Cow dung is good fertilizer, and cures baldness too 2007-05-03 06:21:41 Dear PETA,
I first heard about your organization through the TV show South Park. My favorite character is Butters. I am writing to invite you to our organization’s drive against global warming. Global warming will severely damage our ecosystem, and cause the extinction of many endangered species.
We hope that you share with us a common interest in protecting the wild life of this planet, especially in the Arctic. Ever since the movie March of the Penguins came out, penguin eggs have been selling for $1,500 each.
Our goal is to protect wildlife from the global warming threat. We want to be the ones killing the animals.
Sincerely,
Hoggish Greedly,
The pig from Captain Planet
President, United Poacher’s Society aka UPS
P.S. Polar bear blubber makes great adhesive for protest signs, if you’re interested.
Dear Ms. Piggy,
You disgust us to no end. We have no interest in cooperating with your organization. We feel that global warming will greatly increase the standard of Read more:baldness
The Greeks are not just the people from Greece 2007-05-03 06:21:26 Today, I saw a carpet measurer do his job. He was drawing room layouts, and kneeling down to measure lengths and widths, with the grace I expected from a beer-bellied man who has plumber’s butt. It looked like a high school geomtery problem, and reminded me of why I choose to study applied mathematics in college. If the length of the room is 11x-42 times the width of the room, how much carpeting is needed?
I saw my future in this carpet measurer, drawing the layouts and taking room measurements for carpeting, and I thought about all those architecture students I tutored in baby physics. Soon, I’ll be measuring carpet for buildings that they design.
The real value of an applied math degree is that you have to have one to know it’s worthless.
Read more:Greeks
, people
, Greece
You need to get your shit together 2007-05-03 06:19:41 The word mood-state strikes me as quirky, but my judgment strikes my psychiatrist as terrible.
Read more:together
Al Qaeda’s “The Aristocrats” joke… 2007-05-02 08:49:41 Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are easily offended, have not seen the movie The Aristocrats, do not know about The Aristocrats joke, or do not know about this website (read the about tamiki.com page). This is a sick, disgusting joke, just like the original, which is also Johnny Carson’s favorite joke… go figure. Read at your own discretion.
Disclaimer #2: The original joke, and the one below aren’t exactly funny… Read at your own discretion.
A terrorist walks into a talent agent’s office and says, “I have the most amazing act, you won’t believe how great it is.”
The talent agent says, “Okay, let’s see your act.”
The terrorist comes on stage with a video camera, a black banner that reads “Allahu Akbar” in Arabic, and a blindfolded American journalist.
The terrorist starts filming, says some anti-American rhetoric, and then makes the journalist kneel. The terrorist then pulls out his machete and behea Read more:Qaeda
Ghengis Khan says, “No more random nonsense, tamiki!” 2007-05-01 19:38:57 My friend is confused about the difference between an allusion and a reference. But it’s simple.
An allusion is what your boss performs to make you disappear, when he finds out your references were forged.
Are you really a mathlete, tamiki? 2007-05-01 10:55:10 I used to be a Kaplan SAT Math tutor. Once, I was tutoring a student who finally understood a particular problem and said, “See, I like math when I can understand it.”
I said, “Well… that makes one of us.”
A man can put rose petals in his bath too 2007-05-01 08:18:09
I’ve never seen a bathtub whose default setting has the shower turn on first. All bathtubs have a little switch you have to flip, or a plug to pull, that sends the water from the faucet to the showerhead.
I’m convinced that all bathtubs are designed either by little kids with rubber ducks, or women with gallons of Epsom salt.
Earning “Brownie” Points 2007-05-01 07:06:22 The elevators in the science building of my college are always packed, like the subway during rush hour. Once, the dean of science got on the same elevator as me, so I decided to make an impression.
Someone commented, as they always do, about how crowded the elevator was.
“Crowded elevators are good. We can study the effects of Brownian motion,” I joked.
The dean started giggling like a school girl until I reminded her we were at an institution of higher education.
So she recalibrated her response and started blushing instead.
Read more:Earning
, Brownie
, Points
The water just broke… and Jesus fell through 2007-05-01 06:23:00 There is a liberal women’s rights organization that wants to sail to international water
s, from Amsterdam, in order to hand out abortion pills to women from countries that ban abortion.
Steel of The Steel Deal said, “but imagine if they acquired a vessel larger than the small mid-ocean tug… Like say … a used troop carrier. Then they could perform actual abortions.”
“As long as they sterilize the wire hanger first,” I replied
Read more:broke
, Jesus
Just ugly yourself up, like you’re going to jail 2007-05-01 05:05:35 People always complain about flying, and how annoying it is when the person next to them tries to initiate a conversation.
I solve this little inconvenience by simply sitting next to an attractive woman. It’s genius.
It’s silly… It’s ebonics… It’s chillin 2007-05-05 16:53:14 Note: This post was inspired by Profound Musing. Check her out… literally.
Hi,
As an immigrant, learning English was a top priority for me. And I’ve made a few observations along the way. Hip Hop/ebonics/slang is used by almost everyone in the United States.
Examples:
“Take care.”
They really mean “Take good care of yourself, because I don’t like you, and hope, or expect, something bad to happen to you soon.” But they can’t say all that. Why else would they say ‘take care’.
These people don’t like you…
“Get well soon.”
What they really mean is “get a well soon, so you can drop coins in it, and wish yourself to health.” But people can’t say all that, so they say “get well soon” when there is something wrong with you.
Odd, considering they just said “Take care” a few days ago…
I still don’t know what “Be well” means, but I have a the
What does Nathan’s know about Grey Poupon? 2007-05-04 10:27:45 My therapist: Unfortunately, we’ll have to have our session in the children’s room today.
tamiki: That’s okay, I like to be immature sometimes.
therapist: That’s why you’re here…
My therapist: It’s good that you’re starting to see your family members in a deeper, richer, more human way, instead of seeing them as very one-dimensional.
tamiki: Yea, it’ll make my autobiography more interesting.
People don’t mature as they age, they only get subtler at attracting attention to themselves.
I think the origin of martial arts was made up… I’ve never seen an Asian person live in a round house.
I got high before I went to math class once. Our professor was showing us some “neat” tricks with the square root of negative 1, using the example i + 4… For some reason I shouted out, “KISS… Keep it simple stupid.” i + 4 is also terrible grammar. Tell the maître d’ “Four plus myse Read more:Nathan
Don’t worry, you’ve done it too 2007-05-03 15:33:48 The best interactive websites revolve around a theme that is commonplace - something everyone can relate to.
I just found one cool website called “people do the most stupid shit.com.” It has entries from over 6 billion different people.
Read more:worry
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